Getting over someone... Timeframe

I read somewhere that the end of a shorter relationship can actually be more painful than a long one because you're still in the NRE stage so the feelings are more intense. I wonder, also, if an online relationship can generate more fantasies about what it could be like in person than with someone you already know in person.

I don't think anyone can truly understand what makes anyone else fall in love with a certain someone - all the feelings, etc. So your husband doesn't have to understand, he just needs to love you and be supportive while you're hurting.

BrianneGoddess said:
The angle is to try explain to my husband, and myself, how I can be so affected by a relationship that was short, online about to become real.... I've been a miserable mess since Wonde Woman called it off and he cannot understand how I'm so broken over this. I don't get it either, but I know that because I've never allowed myself to fall in love so completely before.

I also wanted to ascertain if it will always be like this, regardless of years of poly experience so to speak.
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anomaly said:
I read somewhere that the end of a shorter relationship can actually be more painful than a long one because you're still in the NRE stage so the feelings are more intense. I wonder, also, if an online relationship can generate more fantasies about what it could be like in person than with someone you already know in person.

I don't think anyone can truly understand what makes anyone else fall in love with a certain someone - all the feelings, etc. So your husband doesn't have to understand, he just needs to love you and be supportive while you're hurting.
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This makes a lot of sense. Thank you :) I'm so grateful I found this forum! I've only had amazing advice and good suggestions as I've started navigating this new phase of my life. I'm still excited about living a poly life one day when both Rock and I are ready.
 
I personally don't think it makes a difference. Whether you think someone will ever love you again has less to do with poly and more to do with self-esteem. During all my previous break-ups, I've never had that thought, whether or not I was with someone else at the time. I always knew that the breakup wasn't because I'm unlovable, but just because things didn't work out.

I've seen poly people go through break-ups that are just as painful as for mono people. If anything, I've seen the poly aspect create additional challenges... e.g. other partners feel like "Yeah, I get it, you're sad... but what am I, chopped liver?" because the break-up person is stuck in their sorrow and forgetting that their other relationships still need tending lest they go down the same road.

I also agree with the others who said they protect their hearts. My only "serious" breakup was when I was 17, and the pain of that had more to do with being young and inexperienced than anything innate in me. I guess that was the breakup that taught me to guard my heart.

I feel like where I am now, I would only end a serious relationship if we drifted apart emotionally, and then it's not especially painful because you've already checked out ages ago. Pretty much any other issue can be worked out, or else is a deal-breaker that would prevent me from getting involved in the first place.
 
Often in long term relationships, you have a very clear idea of why it is you are breaking up. There's a cycle where you become aware there's a problem, you talk a bit about solving it, try a few things, find you are no happier than you started, then get yourself mentally ready to leave.

I have lost a brand new relationship (literally knew each other for 4 weeks, but practically living together on an out of town trip for a week of that) and it hurt a lot. For me it was the potentiality: that there was so much that we could have had together. And the frustration that she was throwing that away. There's this feeling of being tantalisingly close to something beautiful and having it all evaporate.

my 2c anyway. I've never been one of the people on here that say they have been able to keep themselves safe, though.

Ummm ... but on a different level, OP. You don't have to explain your feelings. You feel what you feel. Your feelings say something about you that is precious. Don't apologise for them.
 
Lots of other answers have really hit all the important notes. And certainly, I think that those passionate affairs that never really blossom into their full potential as relationships, but are killed off way too soon (for one of the people involved at least)...those really hurt. And the potential is only a part of it. The part that really butchered me emotionally was that I didn't really understand WHY I wasn't good enough for him, or wasn't what he wanted, and he wasn't invested enough to explain it honestly to me. I didn't matter to him. But he mattered an awful lot to me. So instead of seeing a problem unfold in a relationship over time, and actually understanding what was effed up, no, I got to imagine all sorts of awful, self-esteem-crushing speculations about why he wasn't into me.

It took me a matter of at least a few months to finally realize how much time and emotional energy I was WASTING on the guy, and to say ya know...it's alright. The reasons don't matter. Time to move along. Yet (obviously) he still haunts me a little bit. Enough that he stands as a prime data set in my mind of "this is what can happen when..."

My loves (we were in the early stages of our relationships as I was in the middle stage of getting past bonfire guy)...I'm sure I was insufferable as I talked about him all the time. And they were remarkably tolerant and tried to be supportive of me. And eventually my interest in him faded, the hurt faded, and I could be properly appreciative of the wealth of love I do have.

I would advise anyone who is trying to get over one love lost, but still has another (or others) remaining by their side...maybe take the time to try and reaffirm what you have with that person(s). Go do some fun stuff together. Lavish love on him or her or them. Get the reaffirmation of how great and how loved you are. And if you must run on at the mouth about the one who got away, apologize to your loved one(s) and thank them for being there for you through your process.
 
During the time that I was involved with my ex-boyfriend S2, Hubby's and my marriage was deteriorating. Not because of S2, or anything else to do with poly; there were issues that had been present at varying levels throughout the marriage, and all of them kind of came to a head, combined with Hubby facing a potential legal issue that he was so stressed about he wasn't capable of saying something nice or even spending time with me or the kids if his life depended on it. By last June, things had gotten so bad that after S2 "downgraded" our relationship and I finally told him where things were with Hubby (I hadn't said anything when we were in a full-fledged relationship because he probably would have seen that as me asking him to rescue me or some shit), he started helping me work on an exit plan.

I told Hubby I was planning to leave. He committed to trying to change so I would want to stay. I didn't believe him; I'd heard it before.

But when things went way downhill between S2 and me, Hubby stepped up. Not only did he not mind my leaning on him as the downgraded relationship with S2 became a just-friendship and then a nothing at all, Hubby took the opportunity to show me that I could trust and rely on him. In some ways, by breaking my heart, S2 helped save my marriage.

So yeah, if you break up with one partner, there isn't anything wrong with asking for support from your other partner(s). If they don't want to support you, they'll say so, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't ask.
 
Having been going through a recent break up, I've learned many lessons. The relationship was nearly 5 years. We were a vee, MFM. We were moving on toward a future together, or so that was the plan. It fell apart in about 6 months. Our former said very terrible things and we ended in a very bad way.

Its been 21 months. Still not over it. You can tell by me still counting the months.

What Spork wrote about potential hits the nail right on the head. This relationship was our first poly. It was important. Our partner was our best friend. We were equals. I loved both my guys. Completely and totally. I don't hold back. If I am in, I am in. I was in with this.

In the end, he didn't want, need or love us, so he said. Literally. His admission was devastating. My current partner and I have taken our time. We've leaned on each other and have come to try to glean lessons from our experience.

We call ourselves poly potential because we're not sure if or when we will proceed in the relationship area. We would like a partner. We're not casual by any means. It would be a full, equal relationship.

From what I can say is, your emotions are valid. They're your truth. They're not wrong. They have a place. If you have a supportive partner, lean on them. If they were involved in any way, they may be experiencing loss as well. It is a loss. Grief is natural. It'll take as long as it takes.

What I've found is loving heals. I am not talking about the adage, get someone under you to get over someone. Love family. Love friends. Love your life. That's what heals, not time. I've made some wonderful friends in these last few months. I've even developed a crush but that will come as it comes. Will see.

Life is too short and too precious to live in the loss. Yet, its a loss and has its moment too. Only you can decide when, what and how that is.
 
Im overwhelmedby all the kind words. I feel understood, and heard. And dare I say it... Cared for.

Im allowing myselftime to grieve and cry and rant and to consider that there could be a time in the future to let her go and try move on.

Im letting my Rock support me and allowing myself to feel the pain. Ive realised that her decisionto bury this does not have to dictate my actions, because that was not my choice.

I think its progress. One step at a time.
 
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kdt26417 said:
Hang in there.
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Thank you :) one day at a time, one step at a time. I still have so much love to give and if she doesn't want It, I don't want to waste it on her.

I can be grateful for the lessons least, for the new parts of myself opened. And then I can choose to let go and move the fuck on.

It's my new mantra and I know one day it will sink in and be my reality.
 
kdt26417 said:
That's the spirit ... :)
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Thanks Kevin :) more baby steps taken today to pull away more, cutting back on the amount I interact and the level at which I choose to interact with her.

I proud of myself each time I manage to not jump to respond to messages and emails, I'm proud of myself each time I find the strength to not tell her everything about my life. And I'm proud of myself each time I'm able to not instantly think of what her possible reaction to something would be.

I think I'm turning a corner. I think I'm gonna be okay.
 
BrianneGoddess said:
I proud of myself each time I manage to not jump to respond to messages and emails, I'm proud of myself each time I find the strength to not tell her everything about my life. And I'm proud of myself each time I'm able to not instantly think of what her possible reaction to something would be.
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Congratulations. That's huge. (And someday you'll eventually have those thoughts with pleasant nostalgia, not hurt.)
 
icesong said:
Congratulations. That's huge. (And someday you'll eventually have those thoughts with pleasant nostalgia, not hurt.)
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I really really hope so!! Thanks :)

Huge slide backwards these last two days.. I sent her a huge parcel just after we ended things. Things I'd collected and outntogether for her and her family, and it was too painful to keep them here. She got the parcel yesterday and we are excitedly chatting all over again. I still so badly want her in my life. I'm being kind to me, I know it's a process. But her excitement just makes me sad more than anything.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day again.
 
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