Getting Owned by a Kinky New Metamour

A

Arius

New member
My partner was friends with a guy she wanted for about a year. A few weeks ago they finally started dating. It quickly became apparent that this guy was the best lover she's ever had, including me. Up until now, I'd always held that title. I'm good, but he's amazing.

He's also taller than me, way more handsome, and infinitely more confident.

As soon as they started having sex her whole attitude towards me changed. Her voice took on a tone of pity. I started to feel like she'd switched loyalties from me to him, if that makes sense. An energetic shift. Maybe it's just NRE, but she just isn't the same towards me anymore and everything is about him now.

I went away on a trip for 2 weeks. He slept at our place basically every other night while I was away. I got back a few days ago, and my partner told me her and her new partner of all of six weeks are suddenly in love and that they are exploring a d/s relationship, with her as the submissive.

He's been giving her sexy homework, and she's excited to do it. Which she should be, of course. I think I had finally grown comfortable with most of that. But there's been a new development, something I can't even begin to handle.

Tonight she dropped the biggest bomb of my life and told me that she calls him "Daddy." I felt like I'd been stabbed in the chest.

I've been interested in exploring that kind of relationship before, but she'd said she wasn't into it last time I checked, and I'd let it go. Plus she has a lot of trauma around various father figures in her life, and I didn't want to bring up the word "Daddy" to her. When she told me that this was happening between them, I asked if she would ever call ME Daddy, and she said No, because I'm a Switch (we trade off dom and sub roles) and not exclusively a Top.

So now he gets to do this most intimate thing imaginable with her that I've wanted to do with her for years, and I don't. He gets to play this super special role in her life and I'm denied the same opportunity.

I know their relationship has nothing to do with me, but I feel like he's dominating ME by dominating her in this way. That he's firmly established himself as more of a "man" than I am. She surrenders herself to him in a way that she'll never do with me.

It is so painful for me to type these words that I almost couldn't do it. Like when someone you love dies and you can't say it or write it down yet. I don't think I can live with this in my brain. Being alive feels like an awful, miserable chore now.

I had just started to recover from the fact that she was his sub. I felt happy today. My mental health is generally good. But I just can't accept this new reality.

I feel outclassed in nearly every possible way. I feel cuckolded. I feel, oddly, considering that she's totally her own person, like she's HIS now.

I don't completely understand my feelings. When she said the word "Daddy," that THAT was what she called him, I went numb for a moment and immediately wished she'd never said that to me. I wanted her just to take it all back. To press the rewind button and erase that moment. But there is no rewind button. This is just in my brain now until I die.

He's her Daddy, and I'm just the guy she lives with for now until she decides she'd rather live with her Daddy.

I used to be the love of her life, as she is mine. Now she has six partners and I am losing the only one I've got.

I have an urge to end things with her even though she's the best partner I've ever had. She tried to comfort me physically and I pushed her away. I want to get drunk and stay that way for the rest of my life and just be alone.

The pain is unbearable.

I don't even know if I can bear to come back here to read any responses. I just wanted to type out my feelings to some humans who might understand.
 
I am sorry you struggle. I hope you feel a bit better for airing out some.

You sound like you have a bad case of envy -- wishing you had what the other BF currently has (being called her "Daddy.") And jealousy -- worried the new BF will take away what you have (cohabitating with the GF).

To me feelings ensue after behavior -- whether thinking behavior or actions behavior. Here's your thinking behavior:

He's her Daddy, and I'm just the guy she lives with for now until she decides she'd rather live with her Daddy.
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Why are you devaluing yourself like that? It's ok to feel envy and wish you had what the other guy has. She's her own person, she can give what she feels like giving. Neither you or the other BF is ENTITLED to anything. But devaluing yourself? That's not mandatory here. So why do it?

It's like already feeling low which is one load to process. And then adding extra bonus load on top from being your own self bully. Why do double load when you don't have to? :confused:

If you are feeling anxious about her living plans, you could ask her.

I used to be the love of her life, as she is mine. Now she has six partners and I am losing the only one I've got.
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When did she stop loving you? Where is she going? :confused:

If these are your fears, why not have talk with her and ask for the reassurance you need instead?

Rather than take it like an "already done deal" and make yourself upset? :confused:

I have an urge to end things with her even though she's the best partner I've ever had. She tried to comfort me physically and I pushed her away.
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So... the goal is what?

  • To get a time out to process? Could do it better than pushing her away.
  • To behave badly to get her to dump you so it "confirms" your thinking like some "self fulfilling prophecy?"
  • Or to weather this new change out and remain close and connected to her?
  • Something else?

Which are you shooting for?

I want to get drunk and stay that way for the rest of my life and just be alone.
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Understandable. You are in deep pain and want to numb it / get away from it.

I think you could find appropriate ways to EXPRESS it though, rather than gunnysack and hurt yourself with it.

The pain is unbearable.
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I'm sorry for that. :(

If it turns out that you want to part ways so you don't have to deal with being in a network where there's this many people because it means you don't get the time/care you want in a relationship? Then end it with grace.

But end it after some time to cool off and think. Not from a hot headed place or like some knee jerk response. I encourage you to do your self care first, then take the time to think it all out.

How can forum people help you?

Galagirl
 
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Arius said:
I'm good, but he's amazing.
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Insecurity is a very real thing, and is almost never dictated by what is going on around us.

This self-image you are carrying around has likely been with you since before you hit puberty. Fortunately, it is extremely common and a good therapist will be happy to help you work through it. I suggest starting there and not worry so much about what your girlfriend is doing.
 
I am very sorry you deal with this :(

It is indeed possible for women to shift focus and kind of lose interest in the previous partner very fast. Judging from only one sample point - me - I can't tell if the situation will normalize again, although I think that's definitelly a possibility. I'm sure you have other qualities your new metamour doesn't, so just don't make it a competition about being more "manly", ok? In fact, don't make it a competition at all. It's neither healthy nor appealing. Just express what you want and need.

I am really sorry they are exploring a dynamics you wanted to explore. I see clearly how that would lead to an immense feeling of rejection. Just a little piece of understanding I would like to pass on - it's often so much easier to explore Ds with non-live in partners. You don't get as close to their mundane shortcommings, so immagination can run wild more easily. I don't know if that helps you any :eek:

Wish you good luck.
 
I don't have time for a long answer, but i wanted to say that in my experience D/s is very very very much a chemistry thing. I have submitted to only two men in my life and only one fully and completely. Even if my husband wanted to have an D/s relationship with me that isn't something I FEEL with him. It doesn't make him less or a man or that he couldn't have that with someone else, but that I don't feel that connection with him in that way.

that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you or him just because that connection happens between someone you love and someone else.

more to come!



edit

I've been interested in exploring that kind of relationship before, but she'd said she wasn't into it last time I checked, and I'd let it go. Plus she has a lot of trauma around various father figures in her life, and I didn't want to bring up the word "Daddy" to her. When she told me that this was happening between them, I asked if she would ever call ME Daddy, and she said No, because I'm a Switch (we trade off dom and sub roles) and not exclusively a Top.
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Also very very very much this. I cannot submit to switches. I, personally, need someone who is Dom ALL the time, always on, always in that space. Which again, goes back to that Feel and that chemistry. I believe my husband is submissive with occasional switch. One of the other reasons I just do not feel that with him.


(sorry! still crazy busy but saw that comment!)
 
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This is the worst feeling. I know firsthand how VALID feelings can become distorted as your mind swirls. A great way to combat that is to sit down, get a pen and paper, and start to journal. How do you feel about this? Talk to the journal, these will be your honest feelings about what is happening. Then, decide if there are some excerpts, or the whole passage, that you want to share with her. Maybe you could read it to her? Do it on a day where you guys are flowing, and there isn't other tension that could sabotage any real open conversation. You need to express to her what is ok with you, and what is not ok. What types of guidelines/rules (if any) do you have?
It's a major blow to the ego, and that is NOT easy to deal with. In the meantime, consider entertaining the idea of finding a sub of your own you can enjoy!!
I am a newbie to the lifestyle, but I know that nothing helps more than being honest with your feelings. Why do you think that this means she does not love you? Why are you angry? What would REALLY make you feel at ease? Have you tried to relate to your metamour? How open is he to speaking with you about this?
Again, let me sympathize by saying, I know EXACTLY how you feel. It sucks, it's sad, but it's not the end.........you may just well find a great, new place of understanding between you and your woman. Wouldn't that be wonderful, no matter the outcome?
 
Hi Arius,

I'm very sorry you are going through this right now. Maybe ending things with your partner is the thing to do. But don't be too quick to make any big decisions while you're this upset. I second what Marcus said, you need a good therapist right now.

I just hope that as time goes on, you'll get some relief.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Arius said:
She surrenders herself to him in a way that she'll never do with me... I feel, oddly, considering that she's totally her own person, like she's HIS now.
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It's the very nature and purpose of a Daddy in a D/S relationship to be this for a woman, so there's no reframing that can change the fact that your beloved partner prefers him for this purpose. All the same, Marcus brings up something important and that is that this situation illustrates something old and deep for you. The emotional place that this hits for you is in you, not something that can be fixed by fixing the situation. Your GF and this man only bring up what is buried in you, so here's your opportunity to shine a light on some of your deep seated insecurities and truly move forward as a person. Not so that you can tolerate this situation, but so that you can learn and grow from this situation.
 
FallenAngelina said:
The emotional place that this hits for you is in you, not something that can be fixed by fixing the situation. Your GF and this man only bring up what is buried in you, so here's your opportunity to shine a light on some of your deep seated insecurities and truly move forward as a person. Not so that you can tolerate this situation, but so that you can learn and grow from this situation.
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Ditto to this. Relationships change. People change. That's true whether the relationship is poly or mono....it's just that with a poly relationship, it can feel like the change is because of a new partner or metamour or a change in the dynamics in another relationship. It's easy to focus on that change or that new partner, circumstance, etc, as the cause. I know. I did it in my relationship with Blue. It was easier to make Azure the scapegoat for the breakdown in my relationship with Blue, than to look at the changes that were already occurring within each of us and within our relationship and to look at the differences in how we conduct relationships. Blue's relationship with Azure simply cast a bright spotlight on those changes and differences ...but they already existed. I don't know if we'll be able to salvage a friendship (I hope so), but I do know that I'll be ok regardless, and that the relationship was not a failure, just because it ended. I've learned so many things about myself. And, I'm uncovering others...like the roots of my attachment issues...why I have difficulty letting people go...and how to let them go with love.

Sometimes we are able to go with the flow, in the direction the change is taking us...and sometimes we can't and the relationship ends. That's ok, it's the nature of life. People come and go in our lives....it's just how life works. Very few people will be in our lives continuously, until the end. It just is what it is. Regardless of whether your relationship with your gf is able to survive this shift in dynamics, you have the opportunity to learn new things about yourself. Those insights may improve your relationship with your gf, or not, but they will improve your life, if you let them.
 
Thank you all for your helpful replies.

I've had a rough few days, and a couple really difficult and painful conversations, but I'm starting to feel better about the whole situation.

It IS chemistry, and also personality dynamics, and there's not much I can do about either of those things. Her dynamic with me is different than it is with him. That's just the way it is, and I can't force a dynamic that isn't there. I'm trying to accept that and just be happy for her. The truth is that I don't actually WANT to be a dom; I just don't want to be outperformed romantically and sexually by one either. But maybe I just have to be okay with that. I am aware that I offer her things that he does not. And that does help.

On the other hand, I don't know if my life will ever be like it was before this happened, and I still feel quite upset and threatened. I think I have to accept that I can't be the best at everything, and just learn to love myself and to appreciate the strengths I do have. It's not easy when society constantly pushes one idea of the best, sexiest way to be.

I don't want to end things with her. I think this situation will prove to be a catalyst for significant growth.

Of course, it would be nice to find someone for myself. Actually, by some miracle, I've struck up a new online relationship in the past week that seems to have a lot of potential, and she may end up playing more of a submissive role in our relationship. I'm quite excited by this possibility, and it also helps me to feel more okay about what is happening with my live-in partner.

Anyway, thanks again.

Arius
 
Arius said:
I've struck up a new online relationship ... and she may end up playing more of a submissive role in our relationship.
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This concerns me. It sounds like you intend to bring someone into your current situation, rather than have your own relationship.

You ARE being dommed by him, apparently with your (former?) partner's active aid. And (IMO) they'll happily "cowgirl" any relationship you strike up, in part to feed "Daddy"'s need to hide his feelings of inadequacy.

Look: if he's really such hot stuff, how is it he had time to weasel into your life? The Dom/mes I respect are pretty much booked solid, & don't go chasing around just to enlarge the stable.

(I speak as a Dom who's never had respect for insecure control freaks acting out under the guise of Leather. ;))

You've been set up coming-&-going, bullied for "failures" that you'll never be allowed to even dispute.

If you find someone you'd enjoy dating, then do yourself (& her!) a big favor & keep her out of that cesspool.
 
As a transman who has seen his partner be with other men in a way that I can not be with him, due to a lack of anatomy that I cannot change,

I have a whole ton of empathy for your feelings of envy.

It helps me to acknowledge that these feelings are my baggage, not my partner's. Knowing it's on me gives me the space so I can feel happy for him and the experiences he gets to enjoy.

It also helps to do what I can about seeking the experiences I want. If you want to be someone's daddy and engage and a little/big D/s relationship? Seek that out with a partner whom you do have chemistry with.

Also, as a Kinky individual I can and do submit to switches (who switch with me OR not with me but with others) fully and whole heartedly. It doesn't have to be all one way all the time for it to be all one way occasionally/some/most of the time.
 
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Arius said:
... I've had a rough few days, and a couple really difficult and painful conversations, but I'm starting to feel better about the whole situation.
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I am glad the initial shock is wearing off a little bit. Though you'll probably go back and forth some... Are you new to polyamory? Does your wife really have 6 partners?

It IS chemistry, and also personality dynamics, and there's not much I can do about either of those things. Her dynamic with me is different than it is with him. That's just the way it is, and I can't force a dynamic that isn't there. I'm trying to accept that and just be happy for her. The truth is that I don't actually WANT to be a dom; I just don't want to be outperformed romantically and sexually by one either. But maybe I just have to be okay with that. I am aware that I offer her things that he does not. And that does help.
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I went through this when my gf and I first started seeing each other. She has been in several M/s relationships, and I had potential to be her Miss or Mama, but after a few months we both realised it was going to be more of an egalitarian relationship. I found I didn't really want to be Mama to her little. I do Top her in the sex/kink realm usually, but we both are able to switch. So in the 8 years since, she's had a couple "Masters." She has a stable 3 year relationship with one now, and he is good for her. But I am good for her in other ways. Hell, I get to live with her 24/7 and she only sees him twice a month for an overnight. They do text... and I am glad she enjoys his companionship that way.

And I do not feel lesser in the sexual realm. My sex and kink skills are top notch! That I do have confidence in. I do not do the same things to her that her Master does, but I know I fulfill many of her sexual/kink desires extremely adequately. Plus, we cuddle a lot and share so many things in our day to day lives.

On the other hand, I don't know if my life will ever be like it was before this happened, and I still feel quite upset and threatened. I think I have to accept that I can't be the best at everything, and just learn to love myself and to appreciate the strengths I do have. It's not easy when society constantly pushes one idea of the best, sexiest way to be.
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Life is about change. Again, I am not sure how long you and your wife have been poly. I'm sure you life changed as soon as you started considering opening (unless you were always open?).

As for "being out-performed romantically and sexually:" I'm sure it feels AWFUL to be feeling like you are nothing but a cuckold to your wife and her new lover! You didn't sign on for that. Tell your wife to stop giving you TMI about the sexual/kink dynamic between her new lover and herself. You might prefer to only know basic things like, what time will you be home, and sexual health info like using condoms and having sex labs done.

On the other hand, we all can't be the best at EVERYTHING in the world. I can just be the best "me" I can be. Appreciate my own skills and talents, and also give credit to others' skills and talents. After all, variety is where it's at in poly. We don't all want the same things from all our lovers.

That said, this relationship is only a few weeks old. They are definitely in NRE. It might not even work out between them! A good Dom is hard to find. Believe me, I know. Most "Doms" I've met/tried to date have been dom-asses. Insecure men who need to be in control of a partner because their own lives are out of control. Try to step back and have a skeptical eye to the apparent "perfection" of this brand new relationship.

I don't want to end things with her. I think this situation will prove to be a catalyst for significant growth.

Of course, it would be nice to find someone for myself. Actually, by some miracle, I've struck up a new online relationship in the past week that seems to have a lot of potential, and she may end up playing more of a submissive role in our relationship. I'm quite excited by this possibility, and it also helps me to feel more okay about what is happening with my live-in partner.
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Is this your first potential relationship since Opening up to poly?

Editing to say, sorry to call her your wife. My mistake.
 
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I don't understand BDSM at all from personal experience, but it sounds like if your GF is a switch, you have something to offer her that the "awesome dom" can't. Expressing all this feeling of being dominated by her choices when you are with her.

You seem to be caught up in the idea of competition and that too competition in the exact manner and nature of her relationship with someone else. What else is there?

I think NRE is a bad time to evaluate "which is better". Even if such a comparison were at all necessary (I know it isn't. I also know human behavior means that it will be done if the heart insists).

In your place, I'd be giving her the time to enjoy the NRE while using that time to plan something to grab her attention right back to another loving relationship that longs for her when a suitable moment arises.

I think it is too early for doom and gloom scenarios. This is a time of a lot of change. Instant reactions may seem very urgently necessary, heightened emotions make everything feel much more than it normally would, but in my view, most high intensity things pass and are often better passing without us sabotaging our own interest because we don't know what to do. I don't mean her relationship will pass, but the period of flux, extreme emotions will pass and you will settle into a new normal, and perhaps have a better idea of the impact of her new relationship on your existing relationship with her. Is the "pity" you see in her eyes or in your fears? For example.
 
I'm not hinting at some judgment of faulty morals, btw.

At one time, I had two live-in lovers, a steady girlfriend, a fairly regular FWB, & two recurring playmates, so it's not like I'm questioning the number.

However, I could wonder about the contextual definition of "partner" here. Of my six, only the first two were my partners, the rest cherished friends.

There's only so many hours in the day to maintain a partnership, & some of us need to have jobs.

Businesswise, an actual partner has "skin in the game." Anyone with nothing to lose isn't a partner.

In any case, if I find that my dyad has shifted such that my formerly 50/50 partner has decided to take on six (five?) other partners without giving me a "wtf?" moment -- or even the right to HAVE one -- then I'd be concerned.

It's probably NOT 50/50 anymore. Will anyone here attempt to convince me they believe that the rights AND the responsibilities have BOTH shifted proportionally? I doubt I'm off to predict that Arius's rights have been drastically cut to "make room" for the deadheads, AND that he's undertaken more responsibility at every step.

Let's say that "Daddy" gets bored in a few months with the new toy & moves along. I doubt Arius will get credit for hanging devotedly around -- in fact, he'll probably get blamed for chasing poor fragile li'l "Daddy" off & spoling the story.

She gets to join in relationship therapy. If she declines, then
  • buy a cheap cellphone, & keep it password locked
  • retain a lawyer to advise on how to sequester assets
  • shop for an apartment
  • start packing
Sorry, I cannot join in the "just get used to it, you big wuss" chorus.
________________

Maybe Minneapolis was weird, but I never encountered an explicit "Daddy" thing in any of our clubs' events.

Besides, isn't that what teen streetwalkers are expected to call their pimp...?
 
Ravenscroft,

I didn't get your implication when you pointed out six partners. I just assumed that she was involved with six people overall - OP, hotshot, and four occasional others who were irrelevant to the larger picture bothering OP. He doesn't mention them again or elaborate their role/relationship/impact either. Six PARTNERS sounds unrealistic given the short duration and intensity of relationship with the new guy being described. I understood it to mean that OP had one partner who he was losing (competitively) to the new guy and the six partners just seemed to juxtapose his feeling of "defeat" to her guy with her full sex life.

I also didn't get the sense of a "cesspool" so much as him coping with a new metamor and having difficulties. He was doing well till things went DADDY.

I don't understand d/s relationships, but a lot of the things you seem to be seeing in this situation are not visible to me. OP seems happy for her, but wishing he could cope better. He seems to think that the new relationship might create a space for him that helps him feel okay about hers. It did trouble me a bit that noteworthy about the new relationship was that he could dominate - seems to be the recurring theme here - a power struggle and I wondered briefly whether he was thinking of his wife's dom rather than a potential relationship when he wrote that. Which, given his fixation with the competition, and perception of defeat seems a likely state of mind - to reassure himself of his power, but I am not able to see the things you describe.

**I am really trying to understand. Feeling like we are seeing two completely different things here. Could you explain?
 
My take is that Arius is on a slippery slope & picking up speed.

Certainly, he's putting on a brave face, seeking his own centredness, & attempting to make himself believe in the healing power of compersion.

But he also feels that the game "Daddy" is playing involves topping not just their mutual "partner" but Arius as well. With this, I concur.

His self-image has taken a beating. Playing the script in my head, I can only see that at best it's going to remain just so for an extended period, & likely to get increasingly burdensome if that is indeed part of the "game."

I cannot tell Arius "chin up, old chap!" He's in an emotionally abusive relationship, & in such the choices are to end the abuse or end the relationship. Anything else would be enabling -- at absolute best, codependency.

Given the script thus far, anything Arius does to find peace or strength or independence will be a rich target, to prevent Arius from withdrawing (thus becoming less amusing) AND to ramp up the intensity.

I'll gladly be proven wrong by events.
 
I must admit I got remotely the same feeling as Ravenscroft (with the six partner thing and probable lack of respect and responsibility from his primary partner). It is a likely scenario, although I think it needs much more evidence from Arius, to be able to speak about something as serious as abuse. I hope we are wrong and the situation settles in one or another satisfactory way.
 
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