Ghost of a Chance

Had my first physical in years (ending the marriage sent me into insurance spirals and it took a while to get settled - seriously, fuck US healthcare and bring on single-payer universal) and aside from the usual "you should exercise more and lose a few pounds," my bloodwork numbers came back great and I'm clean and healthy. So I got that going for me, which is nice.

OKC1 is still sparse at communicating, but she is receptive enough when she does reply that I do trust the silence is illness-related. I'm still cautious, but I am doing my best to not let that anxiety bleed over as I may have at other points. I should mention that OKC1 already has a primary and is looking for a secondary/co-primary (we haven't gone into much detail yet), so that might also be a time and energy factor, plus she's likely fielding others as well.

OKC2 ghosted me. That stung but that wasn't more than a burgeoning friendship anyway. OKC3 has gotten a little more interesting but that still might not go far either. But I am enjoying the little bits of comradery anyway so not too fussed.
 
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OKC1 and I exchanged numbers for ease of communication, and things seem to be going in a good direction. Still too soon for a proper nickname, but wheels are turning.

Unfortunately, my job suspended me for too many cash drawrs being over, no matter how dilligent I am. I'm scared about my finances if they decide to terminate me. I was planning on transitioning out this year anyway, but I have nothing else lined up yet.
 
Still texting with OKC1 and now an OKC4 asked to text as well. I don't get really long-lasting vibes from OCK4 but the conversations have been good so I'll keep that up and see where it goes.

LabRat had a checkup MRI yesterday which took all day and exhausted everyone. She seems to be recovering okay, though we won't see results for a few days.

Been seeing some names used in some threads that are triggering memories of Gremlin and how nuch I still miss her, so I haven't been posting there as much as I normally would. Working through it.
 
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So interesting development! OKC1 out of the blue decided to meet up with me after my theatre meeting yesterday, and we just hung out at a mall for a couple hours talking. It was just a really nice time being mutially open about Poly and Leftism and Mental Health and Geekery and it felt wonderful. There were a few good hugs and a cheek kiss, and the promise of many "next times" as our schedules allow. Going to settle on a true nickname for her in my next post, though it will probably be several more "dates" and advancements before I feel comfortable adding her to my signature (I put "date" in quotation marks because I don't want to put that kind of societal pressure and anxiety on hanging out with a friend...even though by most definitions and contexts it was totally a date, you guys!)

Gonna try to call work back this morning to see if I still even have a job. Wish me luck.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Luck wished! and congrats on your first "date" with OKC1.
 
So having said I'd give a nickname this time, I was hesitant because in the days since there has been almost no contact...but it was because life was getting in the way and the continued illness. So while I still don't know where things will end up with..."Cleric"...I'm still choosing to be optimistic for now.

In the meantime, OKC3 and I seem to have met an impasse, which is fine. OKC4 remains a bit of an enigma to me, but happy to talk when she wants to.

There is now an OKC5 and an OKC6. OKC5 is another mixed bag, but OKC6 and I are making real good connections, so I don't doubt we'll at least end up good friends if nothing else.

Frustratingly, I had to decline a potential meetup with OKC6 due to a pre-scheduled event for LabRat which didn't even end up being worth going to for anyone.

One other funny thing - I explained the "nominally" part of the "nominally Cis" I've been writing to both Cleric and OKC6, and they both say I am probably some flavor of genderqueer. I still don't feel quite comfortable claiming it for myself, but it is another piece to add to my musings.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
You're a good writer, and that's a huge advantage on OKC. Good luck with the potentials.

Most men that contact me can hardly spell their own names. It's always exciting when someone actually understands grammar and can spell, and can say something more interesting than, Hows ur day going
 

vinsanity0

Active member
Wow, there is a lot of people in your area that are poly/poly friendly. I live in a county that has a higher population than your whole state and still can't find a decent match, much less 5. I'm envious. Yes, I do realize your area extends to other states, but still...
 
Mags: Thank you so much for the compliments. ^\\\^ I actually have some background in writing. I find I'm better with collaboration and/or adaptation, but I did several volunteer columns for various sources over the years.

Vinsanity: The vast majority of people "open to non-monogamy" at the very least are in the Boston area, which is a 45 minute drive with no traffic (and there is -always - traffic), and since I don't have a car that's an hour-and-a-half train ride each way for $25 total. I realize for people who live in bigger states that doesn't sound bad, but it does make things difficult. Cleric does live just outside RI borders so it's not bad, but the others I've been talking to so far are farther. Then again, I've sent out several dozen Intros and found even more Poly/Poly-Friendly that I didn't contact because of other red flags, so maybe your point stands?
 
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Been a busy couple of weeks. Trying to gear up for my theatre start-of-season, taking LabRat to a whole bunch of CHD events. Tsunami is having mood issues we can't quite explain.

Things with Marsh are very weird. We have neen having a lot of frank discussions about needs and expectations, and she agrees we're not what's best for the other. But the more I pull away benefit-wise, the more she tries to pull me back in true to her nickname. I am putting my foot down harder before we have another Tsunami situation on our hands.

Cleric has been MIA for a bit. I keep sending helpful pick-me-ups as she requested but haven't gotten anything back in a while. Even assuming as I have that she still wants to talk to me and has just been too ill, I'm starting to worry about if this is a regular thing.

OKC6, the one other conversation that seems to be going somewhere, is also odd. We don't talk nearly as much as I'd like but when we do talk the talks are fun and amazing.I dunno. I need to start meeting up with more people but with my employment still in limbo and the kids needing more time than usual it's harder to harder.

I got a few messages from self-described monogomous people. I'll chat friendly-like, but if they try to convert me back they're in for a disappointment.

I called Gremlin for the first time since September, just to check if it even is still her number and I haven't bern texting into the void. It was still her number. No reply yet. Normally I would take the hint at this point, but 1) I know how her anxiety works that silence does not necessarily mean go away forever and 2) she still has my stuffed gryphon that was a graduation present. I have told her as much that if she wanted me to leave her alone I would as soon as I got him back. But since I'd rather have HER back in at least some small capacity I am careful not to frame it as some kind of ultimatum of prisoner exchange.

Been in kind of a low place because of all that but trying to keep my head up.
 
When it rains, it pours.

Yesterday I got a call from work. HR decided to terminate my employment. I have no goddamn clue what I'm going to do. I'll send out a few quick apps but I'm terrible at that and know I'm just going to end up in the same situation I was in before, but I need SOMETHING while I look for something better. The Santaland money will get me through this month, but come March I am proper fucked.

And today I got a text from Cleric. I'm a really great guy and a good friend, but she's not the person for me and she found another person on OKC she likes better and 2 people is her polysaturation right now and...ugh, yeah, not surprised given how things have been going but it still hurts (and using the "I like someone else" line when you're both openly poly seems a bit disingenuous to me, even though there are contexts where it's valid, and that tastes a bit more bitter than the rejection itself). But I am still offering my friendship and remaining open if she changes her mind. Won't hold my breath.

I need intimacy badly, and I need it from someone seperate from my whole life situation, but I am just feeling like I have so little to offer anyone. I'm trying to not go there, I know it's not a good look, but damn it's tough.
 
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So I was trying to play some video games to relax when the mail came. I got two things.

The first was a letter from the State, saying I did not make enough money at my job to qualify for unemployment.

The second was a box from Gremlin. Inside was my stuffed griffin and a handwritten note. The note basically stating as nicely as possible and with absolutely no semblance of an explanation that I am not to contact her again.

And I can't decide whether the universe was kind or cruel that my game was playing this music while I read these missives: https://youtu.be/VAbNuJA8cXE

If I was a mess before, this increases the spill.
 
It's 2 a.m. and I can't sleep.

Everyone I know is a big advocate for therapy, and I am too for other people, but I've never had it be successful for me so even if I could afford it (which I can't), I would still be reluctant. Most of what I need is someone to vent to, who won't invalidate me or stay with a hardline "you need to do X" where X is something I can't do and/or is not me and/or would put me in a worse position. It's a catch-22 where if I was more stable financially and had healthier outlets for intimacy, my issues wouldn't affect much, but because neither is the case my stress is exacerbating my issues to a point that makes getting those things harder.

Gremlin was perfect for me in all but two ways; and the main problem and the thing that frustrates me about the whole situation even now: lack of communication. That's what hurts the most. I was always very adamant that things be open and honest. I need honest feedback. Is this okay? Are we okay? What do you need from me? This is why I feel this way, why do you feel this way? And I knew she had issues with intimacy, and I was very understanding and was infinitely patient. Even when it got to points where we NEEDED to talk and she had been putting it off, I always took her anxiety into account and tried to make it gentle and fair. I admit, when she hurt me by pulling away and first ending our closeness, the pain leaked out more than a few times, and that is on me. But I was always quick to reassure her that I respected her, and she did nothing wrong, I just needed to know WHY. Things didn't add up, and I wanted desperately to continue the friendship and be a part of each others' lives, but I needed to know. I needed the closure. I couldn't just turn it off and pretend none of it ever happened. But all I got was "I don't know" and "I just do/don't" and "You wouldn't accept any explanation". Like, fucking try me at least. Give me that chance. I just wanted the truth, that's all I needed. Bare minimum. No sugar-coating to make me feel better, no hurting me to "save" me, just the true story of what was really going on. And now I'll never get it. And I still love her, and I always will, and I can't even muster much of a value judgement because she didn't really mistreat me, not like Marsh did. And that too is super goddamn frustrating. And anxiety-inducing - like, what kind of rotten person am I to go from where we were to being afraid to even speak to me? I've spent my whole life trying to never ever be the kind of person you could be that afraid to talk to; have I failed that miserably?

And Marsh is trying to help, trying to be sympathetic, and I believe her when she says she hates seeing me hurt. But that old temper is still there, that capacity for callousness, and it still feels like a trap. And I have to be extra careful with my boundaries. I still care for Marsh, I am still attracted to her, and she is not as bad as she was when I left. But it's still there, still too much of it, and I'm not going to hide and submit and change myself for her and frankly I don't think it's right or fair of me to ask her to change or hide or submit (ew) for me. But god at some point even seawater starts to seem preferable to dying of thirst.

I need someone to hold me, kiss me, do me, and tell me everything is going to be all right. And I need it from someone I can trust to not hurt me or cage me.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
Can you tell us more about Gremlin? I scanned your blog and don't really understand the timeline and dynamics with her.
 
Can you tell us more about Gremlin? I scanned your blog and don't really understand the timeline and dynamics with her.

My first post in this thread has the link to my first thread detailing that story. Reader's digist version: She was my best friend before my marriage ended, my kink partner afterward, I loved her deeply the whole time and never had such a strong connection with anyone else even after NRE, and after a year seemingly out of nowhere she became mono with someone else after teaching me about poly and establishing non-monogamy. And every attempt I made to understand what changed instead of just ignoring my feelings and our past only pushed her farther away.

Anything else you want to know? I guess I'm generally better at answering direct questions unless I really have something I need to say.
 
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Magdlyn

Well-known member
Thanks for the reminder about the link, that helps.
 
Still really numb from everything. I've been talking with someone platonic from OKC but most of the others seem to have given up on me, and until I get income in I don't feel comfortable putting out more feelers and giving a true search.

I was cast in The Exonerated in an ensemble role. We're only doing a staged reading at a doner event so I can't invite you all, but we are hoping to stage it next season. But there has been some management shake-ups at the theatre company recently and I'm not entirely sure I trust it. As a Leftist I am wary of businesspeople anyway, but this one is raising some particular red flags for me. Time will tell whether or not I'm just being paranoid.

I've been feeling small and useless and unlovable, but I've been trying hard to downplay it as to not incite a pity party (or be accused of trying to and taking advantage of sympathies). I just have to keep on going and find my groove again. Good things will happen when I'm not expecting.
 
So when my laptop got stolen two years ago, with it went all my info on how to get into my student loan database. Apparently, unbeknownst to me, my deferrment ended and my account went to collections. I found this out because they took my entire tax return that I did together with Marsh in order to get more money back for the kids until we can afford the full legal divorce. I tried calling the place and kept getting hung up on.

And now this lockdown is affecting my job search. Nobody is open to call to check on my applications. I already had to swallow my pride and accept money from my dad but it was barely enough to last the month. My theatre company has also suspended everything for right now so I don't even have the later guarentee.

I am able to be there for my kids and my few remaining friends by just pretending this isn't happening for the hours I'm interacting with them, but I am not in a good place. I am scared, I am disgusted and angry with the world and the system, I feel like a piece of shit for letting my kids down by not being more on top of things.
 
So I'm going to give a couple names here for future reference to friends that may or may not become relevant in future discussions.

Before the end of my marriage and the breakup of our regular gaming group, I had three close friends. Gremlin was one. The second, who introduced Gremlin to us, is a guy I'm calling Protoss who was one of my former clients turned like a brother (I used to do soft skills training for other folks with ASD). We've barely spoken in months as well, last I heard from him was randimly chewing me out for "mistreating" the person detailed in the next section (who was not mistreated - I double-checked and it was a disagreement that got resolved quickly between us and no ill will was felt) and then nothing since.

So the person in question being the third, and the oldest both in age and in how long we've been friends. Known from here on out as Data, he was the first person I met at an Asperger's support group I very briefly checked out as I was being diagnosed. He has also proven to be the most loyal friend I've had and I am just as loyal to him. But he's been in a bad way since last fall, where a combination of a sinus infection and being too overworked stage managing for Santaland has left him in a worse mental state than he's been in since before we met. And no doctor will help him, and he can't rest properly, and his mother is unhinged, and now everything going on in the world is getting him properly panicked. I can talk him down most days, but I'm running out of calming things to say, and I can't be there 24/7 because of my OWN mental health and needing my OWN self-care, and in fact I have been replying less and less overall, though I still encourage him to text whenever he wants because I'd rather have 5 random messages I have nothing to say to than more radio silence.

Finally, I am going to give a name to OKC7, the last remaining OKC person still talking to me. Gonna call her PinkD. We are actually getting on really fast and I am getting a little bit of the butterflies. However, for the moment it is and will likely remain platonic because, in her profile at least, she identifies as monogamous and honestly I'm not going back to that. But she might be a way to help me start creating some of those new positive memories with things I used to love that became so tied with Gremlin. There is a similarity between them - not enough that I think this will be my Replacement Goldfish or set myself up for the same traps, but enough that I am more confident that people with the sensibilities I'm looking for are out there.

So if I drop any of those names in future entries, here's the intro.
 
I have not been visiting message boards lately. I have been staying with Marsh since RI got the Stay At Home order. LabRat is immunocompromised due to her heart condition, so my choices were stay here and not try to find work, or not see my children for gods know how long. In spite of everything that could go wring with this arrangement, my kids need me. I do have Data and PinkD via text to help me through.

I plan to catch up on everyone's stories in the near-ish future. I've grown fond of this community even though I haven't been able to share poly experiences of my own yet. But right now my focus is elsewhere.
 
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