Do you think your depression and diagnosis of a personality disorder is in any way a factor here? Not in terms of your emotional or mental fitness to be a parent, but in terms of your biological fitness? I'm just throwing it out there as a thought. I know some people whose own mental health issues have been such a struggle that they have actively not wanted to have children in case they pass on the condition.
Girlfriend of 6 years wants to have 1st child from “new”, other partner. What now?
- Thread starter WinstonSmith
- Start date
PaperGrace
New member
@JaneQ, you expressed my views here very well. You weren't looking for validation, but let me give it to you anyway. So much this. I didn't feel the "mommy imperative" the way that some of my friends did. They wanted babies no matter what. Fertility treatments, re-igniting bad relationships, adoption applications. I am a godparent to 2 of those children.
Still, I would have loved to see what my own child would have grown up to be and share my life experiences with him or her (or them!). I could have been a great parent. Apparently, it wasn't meant to be. My age makes it unlikely now and I'm in a secondary relationship in which it doesn't make sense to get pregnant, even assuming I could. This been a tough adjustment for me lately, but, as you say, as I don't have the right reasons, maybe that's as it "should" be.
Last edited:
FallenAngelina
Well-known member
Back to the OP's concerns:
This thread isn't about the desirability of passing on DNA, raising other people's kids or owning anyone's uterus. It's about his long term GF's desire to conceive with a much newer partner and what the OP perceives this to mean about how she sees her relationship with him. If this were mono-ville, it would be an obvious time for him to move on, but since they're all poly, he has the option to stick around while she and another guy start the family. I completly understand why this would feel all kinds of icky and it has nothing to do with genetics. Because of what seems to be going on among the three adults, the OP is hearing alarm bells. The pregnancy and child rearing just beg the question of whether the OP and his GF are still mutually happy together.
This thread isn't about the desirability of passing on DNA, raising other people's kids or owning anyone's uterus. It's about his long term GF's desire to conceive with a much newer partner and what the OP perceives this to mean about how she sees her relationship with him. If this were mono-ville, it would be an obvious time for him to move on, but since they're all poly, he has the option to stick around while she and another guy start the family. I completly understand why this would feel all kinds of icky and it has nothing to do with genetics. Because of what seems to be going on among the three adults, the OP is hearing alarm bells. The pregnancy and child rearing just beg the question of whether the OP and his GF are still mutually happy together.
It's hard to know what's going on in AB's mind. I certainly hope she's not favoring EF as a way of sending a message to the OP. I'm not close enough to the situation to know one way or another.
Frankly my first guess would be that it is plain old NRE driving AB's decision.
Frankly my first guess would be that it is plain old NRE driving AB's decision.
WinstonSmith
New member
I'm sorry.
[…]
Which leaves you with these choices in return:
[…]
- let go of the vision of a future you hoped for badly. Stay here and have your first close fatherhood experiences with her and the OSO's baby instead.
- Keep the vision, let go of the relationship. Seek someone else to share family life with so your first fatherhood experiences ARE with your biological child. You just won't have them with her.
- You move out. Go do something else for the next 2 years and then come back after she's done being pregnant and the baby has hit 1st bday. So you get to keep some of the vision and not deal in "first year memories" with the OSO's baby. But know it comes at a risk of growing apart, so this choice might be worse than just ending it outright so you can know where things stand.
Galagirl
Thank you for writing so empathically and clearly, it does help to have a bit of an overview. It is clear that one choice smells definitely the least, and that would be number 1. I do care about DNA, but I wanted to be a teacher/mentor/guardian since I was fourteen, and have studied both pedagogics and applied psychology, because I find it interesting to deal with people, their problems and finding a way to help them reflect and grow. This feeling was always even more powerful when I thought about being a parent, regardless to whom. If I think about picking up a drifting child, a baby left at my doorstep, a wandering teen, my sibling’s children, my own or whatever, I feel happy, I feel like I want to love that person, regardless of their age, and want to help them to be the best person they can be.
Option 2 would be an option, but to find someone who feels the same about everything else in life, who shares my vision of parenting, life and poly-families is rather small. Add to that the problems of where to move, where to work, and how to pay for it all (living on your own can be rather expensive) with no savings left…that seems a huge setback that would cost me a few years to establish myself well enough to even venture forward in my life I guess.
Option 3 is very much possible, and I guess I would then just walk out into the world and maybe go meditate somewhere in the east for a while, but that would still be no guarantee for me to have a place when I come back. So, should I walk out, I would need to make clear to myself that if I close the door behind me, it might be the last time ever in that house, with that family.
As for my feeling, I know my vision of life finds most comfort in option 1. I would like to live my life in an open environment, a commune even, with people who share beliefs and love each other for whatever they are. Where we don’t assign roles like “father” and “mother”, but see us as parents with different identities. Still, in the eyes of the law, I would have –no- leg to stand on should something go awry (like one of the parents growing a dislike of me, or people seeing a practical use in me moving out).
It is with these obstacles that I’m trying to deal; both with the emotional side of accepting that the first child might not be mine, and the purely practical ramifications that might follow.
I would definitely respect myself most for it, should I be able to handle that. I think it would make me a great person, if I can get over these pre-conceived notions (maybe even spoon-fed by my cultural background or my past) and love each person for how they are.
Thank you so much, your post was very comforting to read.
I’ve addressed the practical problem to them both. EF thinks mostly from an emotional perspective and says I should in no way feel obligated, and should distance myself whenever I feel like it (so, someone’s crying in the middle of the night and I can just ignore it? I’m still skeptical about that remark…). AB and I have already started making this house very EF friendly, and we both would like it if he feels rather free to come and leave. We have a guest room that he can make his own, to a certain extent, but we had too always planned that to be the children’s room, so I have no clue how AB has planned that in her head. AB has also often said that when she visits EF’s home, the child could join her there (we all work flexibly). I don’t see a problem with this for the first few years (although I don’t know how healthy it is to be a few weeks a month in a 1 room apartment and the other weeks in the building it should feel is “home”), but when the child goes to school, has dentist appointments, etc. etc. I see it to become rather problematic. EF would definitely need to move to our vicinity in the near future.
Raising the child is in essence no problem, I wouldn’t mind being a surrogate parent, but I would definitely someday hope for a biological child of my own. I have more of a problem with the practical side towards my family (meeting the pregnant AB, and I don’t want to feel uncomfortable when I explain things, going to our meetings with my larger family, taking the child there, being vetoed when making decisions, possibly having to distance myself from certain occasions because of laws. Can I be in the birthing room for example? I think they have regulations against non-family here.) Sometimes, it can seem that I indeed get the joys of people raising children, and I get a lot of the responsibility and arduous tasks too, but I don’t have any ‘rights’ apart from what I can trust them to give me. But yeah, trust, can be a fickle thing.
Having practice was something EF and AB also mentioned. Should I indeed feel more special, or still feel a different “first” feeling with the second child, that would of course be completely beneficial. Right now, I’m really leaning towards seeing the benefits in this light too.
Your logics do make a lot of sense, but AB says she would have him move in any day, it feels right to her. I do like him a lot, we get along great, but I also sometimes feel like I’m being replaced a bit. But then, that’s an understandable feeling since we know each other –well- and EF is still rather new to her. That will wear off in time, and AB sometimes already realizes that I’ve changed in time too, and that she should get to know me again. I’ve planned a first date already, because I refuse giving up on us : P
When I talk to them about it, it seems like the decision has long been made, but AB can be quite changeable (in good ways). She has recently stopped taking contraception, but it can take a year or more before her hormone levels allow for her to be pregnant, so I do have time to maul it over I think. She also stated that whoever wants to have sex with her should wear a condom from now on. I do wish to speak more clearly to both of them on this matter, but I also find it difficult to bring it up every time we meet or see each other.
Well, as far as I know my “conditions” are not hereditary, and so I do not fear any of this passing on. I am very aware now of my pitfalls and the ways to deal with them. Luckily, these ways suit my lifestyle and so I can adjust myself rather well. I know that AB has no problems with it whatsoever, and EF has suffered from depression a long time himself and is completely understanding of the matter. The medication works (I think) rather well against it though, and through exercise and focusing on self-development (both intra-, interpersonal and knowledge) I’ve been able to find a huge outlet to channel my fears, angsts, energy and re-establish myself. In the last three months I’ve discovered I have some major issues with certain things (mostly inhibition, not sexually but interpersonally, like eye contact) and have been making strides with therapy and intrapersonal reflection.
Well, anyone saying that would be a horrible person. A lot of how a child is, is based on DNA. How that is molded is parenting, peer-pressure and whatever, but people thinking it’s purely Nurture and no Nature, are bullshitting themselves. They should read into studies on identical twins growing up apart from their twin.
WinstonSmith
New member
I’m sorry for the cutting in your text; you have a lot of valid points. The legal connection is something I would want to establish with her, or at least so how they would feel about the matter; if such a thing is even an option. The time to be clear about it, must come still, because I first need to be clear about my own desires and wishes before I can even talk about it to them.
Both AB and EF know my life philosophy, and know I’m in general completely on board with us three, or even other partners at a later date, raising our children as a commune. In their eyes, I would indeed be a parent like them, and the biology makes little distinction.
You are absolutely right, and thank you for summing it up. AB and I have definitely got some work cut-out ahead of us, and she says she wouldn’t want to miss me for the world. Sometimes, I feel I want to be with her more than she with me, but she says I give her a lot in life and I just need to start seeing it more. I feel there is a bit of truth in this, because the last year (where I started meds, moved to a new country/language, left family/friends, opened our relationship to polyamory, started therapy, had to make a house into a home) was a very arduous one for AB and I, where I had not much time to focus on my own self due to all the circumstances.
Still, I might still have some time, and we will definitely have some long talks about this subjects, ending in tears, laughs and hugs. I know EF will also face some hardships. The chances of me seeing the first steps, hearing the first words, will be bigger than him seeing/hearing them, since I will be around the child more, probably.
I think the same. She can be extremely focussed, to such an extent that she loses all perspective, sets her mind to a goal and heads for it at Mach 4.
To all, thank you SO much for thinking along and commenting. You have no idea how much it means to me (okay, maybe you do ; ) because apart from EF and AB I haven’t made any solid poly connections yet, and felt rather isolated in all of this. Thank you.
Last edited:
GreenAcres
New member
Legal rights could be a huge issue in this situation, and I know of no US state that allows parental rights to more than 2 individuals, regardless of situation (I talked about this a bit on another thread--it's a pain for surrogates, too). If there is any concern about the future, this could be difficult to accept. For example, if three people spend the first several years co-parenting, and the two bio parents decide they want to move off on their own, etc., it could easily end in the non-bioparent having zero rights, which could be heartbreaking. As far as I know, there is no state that allows for a third-party to have any rights to visitation, etc. unless there's a legal adoption, in which case one or both bio parents would lose their rights to the adoptive parent.
In other words, it can get pretty messy and heartbreaking pretty quickly, and I think it's only reasonable that everyone involved acknowledge and research the ramifications. One hopes that nothing bad happens, of course, but, our legal system is set up for monogomous couples (previously mono hetero couples, but at least that part is changing). At the very least, it's worth all of you going to see a lawyer, so everyone knows their options, responsibilities, and obligations in a legal sense.
On another note, yes, many mental illnesses have a genetic component. I am not saying that's a reason to not procreate, just that, depending on the mental illness, there can be fairly strong genetic components involved. Depression, bi-polar disorder, and schizophrenia are all known to have a definite genetic component.
In other words, it can get pretty messy and heartbreaking pretty quickly, and I think it's only reasonable that everyone involved acknowledge and research the ramifications. One hopes that nothing bad happens, of course, but, our legal system is set up for monogomous couples (previously mono hetero couples, but at least that part is changing). At the very least, it's worth all of you going to see a lawyer, so everyone knows their options, responsibilities, and obligations in a legal sense.
On another note, yes, many mental illnesses have a genetic component. I am not saying that's a reason to not procreate, just that, depending on the mental illness, there can be fairly strong genetic components involved. Depression, bi-polar disorder, and schizophrenia are all known to have a definite genetic component.
Re (from WinstonSmith):
She can't get pregant by anyone if that happens.
In any case, the big question here seems to be, how much do you trust EF and AB, since you won't have any legal ties to their child.
She can't get pregant by anyone if that happens.In any case, the big question here seems to be, how much do you trust EF and AB, since you won't have any legal ties to their child.
graviton
New member
Part of the reward of raising a child is seeing your likeness in them. Obviously its not all of the reward...but its one of our most basic drives, to pass on our DNA. Marriage and couples were created for the express purpose of guaranteeing lineage. Few men are willing to raise someone elses child. Obviously this isn't always the case but all things being equal most men would choose the childless date over the divorced with two kids date. There are powerful biological and social influences that cannot be poo pooed and chalked up to ego. Walking into a relationship where the children are already present is hard, staying in a relationship where the children aren't yours and the mother didn't want to have them with you AND the biological dad dropped his seed but didn't want to hang around for the hard work...that sucks. I would dump her so fast it would make her head spin. Of course alot of women say it doesn't matter because they are tied to the children. I wonder how they would feel if the roles were reversed.
FallenAngelina
Well-known member
Well, that and the little matter of economics, but the point of your post is well taken. I agree - poly or not, I would be hearing sirens blaring if my long time love, however much she was hemming and hawing about condoms for now, was even considering a different partner with which to start a family. Babies will blast even the most rock solid of relationships wide open, so anything built on iffy ground will crumble right quick when the adults start living with the day-in-day-out realities of an infant's constant needs. Not to mention: little to no sex for a good long while after the little one arrives. Babies are not to be trifled with.
Last edited:
Perhaps a thought experiment will help put things in perspective.
Suppose you were dating another woman, and had a child with her despite your gf wanting one with your first. (We can assume you agreed because soon this other woman will be too old to have children. And maybe you have NRE with her and things are more exciting than with your gf.) She then moves on for some reason but you have primary custody (she may or may not be involved and pay child support). Would your current gf accept that child as her own, care for it, provide for it, and do so willingly and happily? Even if she'd wanted to have a child with you first, but now you can't for a while due to finances, say?
Consider that and some variations, and ask her what she'd feel and do.
Suppose you were dating another woman, and had a child with her despite your gf wanting one with your first. (We can assume you agreed because soon this other woman will be too old to have children. And maybe you have NRE with her and things are more exciting than with your gf.) She then moves on for some reason but you have primary custody (she may or may not be involved and pay child support). Would your current gf accept that child as her own, care for it, provide for it, and do so willingly and happily? Even if she'd wanted to have a child with you first, but now you can't for a while due to finances, say?
Consider that and some variations, and ask her what she'd feel and do.
Last edited:
Say the GF says she totally would go there -- that has nothing to do with the OP's willingness to do stuff or not.
GF owns her willingness to do stuff.
OP owns his.
So what does that mean? She loves you? Or she loves what you DO for her? And doesn't want you to leave because then she would miss getting stuff done for her by you?
I wonder if you are not right about you wanting to be with her more than she wants to be with you.
If that is the case maybe you just decline? Not willing to participate in any of this?
Galagirl
GF owns her willingness to do stuff.
OP owns his.
So what does that mean?
She loves you? Or she loves what you DO for her? And doesn't want you to leave because then she would miss getting stuff done for her by you? I wonder if you are not right about you wanting to be with her more than she wants to be with you.
If that is the case maybe you just decline? Not willing to participate in any of this?
Galagirl
Last edited:
Seems to me this isn't really about the hypothetical child at all. AB's snap decision to have a baby with her newer bf of only one year reflects her feelings about you.
In my opinion, which I base on your well written OP, she got tired of mothering you. You were extremely depressed. She chose to care for you during your depression. You were unable to make a therapy appointment, you had agoraphobia and weren't able to leave house for months at a time. You were resistant to taking meds at all, once your therapist recommended them. Once you finally agreed to taking meds, it sounds like it took months for a proper "cocktail" to be discovered and take effect.
Now, I am not blaming you for your medical condition. No one chooses to have a mental illness. But living with a person with mental illness is exhausting, frustrating, full of ups and downs. (I know, my adult daughter has Borderline Personality Disorder, and my gf of 6 years suffers from anxiety and depression.)
Your gf AB chose to be your caretaker for 5 years. Maybe she got burnt out. Now it seems as if she has met a (possibly more mentally stable?) man and her biological clock is ticking, and her hormones are screaming out, "Breed! Breed with this man (who I have never 'care-takered' for)!"
He just seems stronger than you? That might just be her NRE talking though. I am sure he isn't perfect. No one is.
You have glossed over the decision for you and her to be poly. Was that always an agreement between you two? All of a sudden, in your OP, new guy just arrives on the scene. How did her suddenly having 2 lovers affect your mental health? Your day to day life? Going back more deeply into the roots of the polyamorous situation you find yourself in might help you figure out why AB wishes to breed with New Guy instead of with you, her established partner of 6 years, and co-investor in the renovations to her family home.
Could it all just boil down to the fact that she doesn't like sex with you anymore? She may feel more like your mom than your lover. She is burnt out by all the caring she has done for you and doesn't find you attractive as a sex partner anymore. She wants to have sex with New Guy. His sperm is right there, in her vagina, just a condom away. She doesn't want to give you the opportunity to fertilize her, because she doesn't want to have sex with you! Sometimes getting pregnant can take several months to a year. If she isn't drawn to you sexually anymore, she doesn't want to go through all that intercourse with you just to get pregnant. But having sex with New Guy is fun! Doing that conception work will be like play for them.
In my opinion, which I base on your well written OP, she got tired of mothering you. You were extremely depressed. She chose to care for you during your depression. You were unable to make a therapy appointment, you had agoraphobia and weren't able to leave house for months at a time. You were resistant to taking meds at all, once your therapist recommended them. Once you finally agreed to taking meds, it sounds like it took months for a proper "cocktail" to be discovered and take effect.
Now, I am not blaming you for your medical condition. No one chooses to have a mental illness. But living with a person with mental illness is exhausting, frustrating, full of ups and downs. (I know, my adult daughter has Borderline Personality Disorder, and my gf of 6 years suffers from anxiety and depression.)
Your gf AB chose to be your caretaker for 5 years. Maybe she got burnt out. Now it seems as if she has met a (possibly more mentally stable?) man and her biological clock is ticking, and her hormones are screaming out, "Breed! Breed with this man (who I have never 'care-takered' for)!"
He just seems stronger than you? That might just be her NRE talking though. I am sure he isn't perfect. No one is.
You have glossed over the decision for you and her to be poly. Was that always an agreement between you two? All of a sudden, in your OP, new guy just arrives on the scene. How did her suddenly having 2 lovers affect your mental health? Your day to day life? Going back more deeply into the roots of the polyamorous situation you find yourself in might help you figure out why AB wishes to breed with New Guy instead of with you, her established partner of 6 years, and co-investor in the renovations to her family home.
Could it all just boil down to the fact that she doesn't like sex with you anymore? She may feel more like your mom than your lover. She is burnt out by all the caring she has done for you and doesn't find you attractive as a sex partner anymore. She wants to have sex with New Guy. His sperm is right there, in her vagina, just a condom away. She doesn't want to give you the opportunity to fertilize her, because she doesn't want to have sex with you! Sometimes getting pregnant can take several months to a year. If she isn't drawn to you sexually anymore, she doesn't want to go through all that intercourse with you just to get pregnant. But having sex with New Guy is fun! Doing that conception work will be like play for them.
FallenAngelina
Well-known member
I think your points are spot on, Magdlyn.
WinstonSmith
New member
Her feelings and actions, were the roles reversed, have nothing to do with the situation I am in now, and will not help me further. Thanks for thinking along though : )
So what does that mean?
I wonder if you are not right about you wanting to be with her more than she wants to be with you.
If that is the case maybe you just decline? Not willing to participate in any of this?
Galagirl
Good question. I think she finds it rather difficult that I am without a second partner, and have just myself and her as my focus. I’m very good at being on my own, but she has seen me too long in a certain light, has assigned herself as my caretaker for, perhaps, too long.
Well, that’s definitely the case. She did get tired of mothering me, and now she has a hard time letting go of the view of me as a very dependent person. I know it will take time for people to start seeing me differently, but that’s exactly my problem, I might not have the time. I know I can’t force things, but was considering how to make changes inside myself, get different perspectives; hence me being here.
Your description of my psychological situation at the point in time is rather off (plus, don’t forget the moving to a different country, trying to find therapists that speak a language you speak). It was a combination of her being tired of caring, being burnt –out, moving to a different country with all its consequences, -waiting- for the medicine to work (it wasn’t a matter of finding the right ones, I’m on the first I’ve ever had, they just took nearly 3 months to start working, I can’t help that ; ). So yes, all in all it was a huge collaboration of energy-consuming things.
Our opening our relationship was present a few years before we moved here. Becoming polyamorous came gradually for her in the last year. I never used the term, but always wanted my partners to be more than just sex on a semi-regular basis, and she agreed to that whole-heartedly. Still, I’ve only ever once been with a girl other than AB during this relationship.
It is most definitely to do with the fact that her vision of me is still primed on that of years ago. I’m trying to change that, by giving all the room I can, by getting back my own life (I’m taking huge strides, both in therapy and out) and have asked her to start dating me, to start ask each other questions again; to find out who we are as people. Next Friday will be our first date.
She doesn’t like sex with me right now, because of boundaries we have set up for ourselves, but it’s not because we don’t click or don’t feel right physically. It’s more that we have primed each other in the past to certain behaviours, and now still trigger these things inside of ourselves. She has had an easier time recognising these primes but has a harder time ignoring them. She gets triggered quicker, and forgets easier. I get triggered way more difficultly, but walk around with it longer. And so, sometimes by carrying it around for too long, I put it on her inadvertently, and she, by triggering very quickly, slowly tears away at my patience. It’s complex, it’s annoying, and it’s something that has been going –way- better already than months ago. We have recently had sex, and although nothing extremely out of the ordinary, she said she felt good connecting to me that way and really enjoyed herself.
So yeah, I am trying to instil that back in us again, that piece of the fire, because I know it exists. I see it, but time will tell if it will be enough for her, and if it will be enough for me. Another year of this would be too hard for me too, and sometimes I’ve been thinking of just packing my back and walking out into the world.
Still, for now, I want to ignore these escapist phantasies, and discover again who I am. In September I want to start doing courses again, developing myself in new ways.
Again, thank you all for replying. Should I speak to AB or EF again about this topic, and new subjects come to light, I will definitely post here again, and of course react to anything people post : )
Norwegianpoly
New member
She sounds maybe she says what is on top of her head... Obviously she alone, or she and new guy alone, can't do the family planning of the household. You should have a say.
We are in sort of a similar situation because we also have a new guy on board, and getting pregnant with him first is one of our (and at the moment, to me very tempting) options. Our original plan was, however, to get pregnant with my husband. My husband can't get me pregnant, so getting a child with him would mean taking out the IUD, go to hospital to get sperm AND ask new guy to go back to wearing condoms. Getting pregnant with new guy would be much simpler, plus there would be a biological bond. Nothing decided, and can't afford /is not practical with a child now anyway, but for sure, sometime next year I would like to start trying as to simply not be too old.
We are in sort of a similar situation because we also have a new guy on board, and getting pregnant with him first is one of our (and at the moment, to me very tempting) options. Our original plan was, however, to get pregnant with my husband. My husband can't get me pregnant, so getting a child with him would mean taking out the IUD, go to hospital to get sperm AND ask new guy to go back to wearing condoms. Getting pregnant with new guy would be much simpler, plus there would be a biological bond. Nothing decided, and can't afford /is not practical with a child now anyway, but for sure, sometime next year I would like to start trying as to simply not be too old.
WinstonSmith
New member
Well, I opened the box finally and the vial appears to have broken and killed the cat.
In the last months AB and I have grown farther apart. I had begun distancing myself when my medication had started to work and I felt there was not avail to trying to get close to her. It seemed the best I could was take care of myself, enjoy my life and see where it would bring me. The negativity from AB's side grew more and more, and even though there still were small signs of affections (hugs and kisses) when EF was on the scene these appeared completely, and any and all other forms of physical intimacy have been memories for a long time now.
In the last weeks her erratic behaviour grew worse, when she blamed me for things no one would ever fuss about, and she wouldn't have fussed about before either. She started to tell me profusely to shut up at times, and when annoyed spewed extremely hateful and hurtful remarks. As these moments grew more frequent (I survived by her staying with EF at least every other week, and working a lot while in our shared home), I began doubting the possibility to still live there. The new home we built truly was my home to me, and at a certain moment I felt my emotions slipping from "not wanting to leave AB" to "not wanting to leave my home and all I invested in it". As I communicated with friends and some came by and experienced (by coincidence) AB's negative and erratic behaviour, I got the reflection and support I needed to leave with my most important things a few weeks ago when things completely escalated over nothing once more.
Since then, I've been in my home country, taking some much needed time for myself (I've also had my medication stop working since more than a month and am now on a triple dosage which has been giving me severe side effects; mostly being extremely exhausted and constantly anxious; they started after I left, coincidentally), and thinking things over. Considering AB seems to not be able to grow out of a stress level that easily, and a child will surely raise more stress in her and her relationship with EF, I have decided to remove myself from the equation, to protect myself from further harm and grand myself the possibility to grow again.
AB and I had two appointments planned in the near future, and I already started doubting my desire to be a part of them. Yesterday night we wrote via IM very openly to each other, about our feelings, about our past mistakes and merits, and concluded it is better for both of us to end our relationship at this point.
I will move out and back to my home country where all my friends (save one I made while over there) and family are. Luckily I work from home, so that's no problem. I will of course not be able to get anything back I invested in the house (it was all done in trust) so I've lost my life savings and will have to start over. It won't be easy, but the most important thing is my personal development and well-being.
I'm really happy we managed to end things with both of us having a warm and appreciative feeling for our shared time together. I'm quite afraid of finding a woman at a time I will like, but will not be able to live a poly life with, but that bridge I will cross if I get there.
Apart from that there's only one thing left to do and that is to thank you all for reading this and giving me your much appreciated advice, insights and reflections.
Thank you : )
In the last months AB and I have grown farther apart. I had begun distancing myself when my medication had started to work and I felt there was not avail to trying to get close to her. It seemed the best I could was take care of myself, enjoy my life and see where it would bring me. The negativity from AB's side grew more and more, and even though there still were small signs of affections (hugs and kisses) when EF was on the scene these appeared completely, and any and all other forms of physical intimacy have been memories for a long time now.
In the last weeks her erratic behaviour grew worse, when she blamed me for things no one would ever fuss about, and she wouldn't have fussed about before either. She started to tell me profusely to shut up at times, and when annoyed spewed extremely hateful and hurtful remarks. As these moments grew more frequent (I survived by her staying with EF at least every other week, and working a lot while in our shared home), I began doubting the possibility to still live there. The new home we built truly was my home to me, and at a certain moment I felt my emotions slipping from "not wanting to leave AB" to "not wanting to leave my home and all I invested in it". As I communicated with friends and some came by and experienced (by coincidence) AB's negative and erratic behaviour, I got the reflection and support I needed to leave with my most important things a few weeks ago when things completely escalated over nothing once more.
Since then, I've been in my home country, taking some much needed time for myself (I've also had my medication stop working since more than a month and am now on a triple dosage which has been giving me severe side effects; mostly being extremely exhausted and constantly anxious; they started after I left, coincidentally), and thinking things over. Considering AB seems to not be able to grow out of a stress level that easily, and a child will surely raise more stress in her and her relationship with EF, I have decided to remove myself from the equation, to protect myself from further harm and grand myself the possibility to grow again.
AB and I had two appointments planned in the near future, and I already started doubting my desire to be a part of them. Yesterday night we wrote via IM very openly to each other, about our feelings, about our past mistakes and merits, and concluded it is better for both of us to end our relationship at this point.
I will move out and back to my home country where all my friends (save one I made while over there) and family are. Luckily I work from home, so that's no problem. I will of course not be able to get anything back I invested in the house (it was all done in trust) so I've lost my life savings and will have to start over. It won't be easy, but the most important thing is my personal development and well-being.
I'm really happy we managed to end things with both of us having a warm and appreciative feeling for our shared time together. I'm quite afraid of finding a woman at a time I will like, but will not be able to live a poly life with, but that bridge I will cross if I get there.
Apart from that there's only one thing left to do and that is to thank you all for reading this and giving me your much appreciated advice, insights and reflections.
Thank you : )
Sorry to hear that things got so bad before they ended, but hopefully you will get closure from this and find some healing in it. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect some of your financial investment back, and I suggest you bring it up if you can. Whether that is done by her transferring part-ownership to you so that when the property does eventually change hands, you get your share back (or pass that share onto your next of kin if it's never sold), or a gradual repayment scheme of some kind, I don't know. Depending on the laws where you were, you might actually have some protection in that arena even if there was nothing in writing. As long as you can show that the money you had went to the house project, you may have more legal rights than you know. In the UK at least, as a live-in partner you can have some common-law rights to property after as little as six months of cohabitation. It's worth checking out as soon as you can.