giving up

[Veda]

This is my story. I am no longer new to poly after 10 year relationship to a poly person and married to him 7. We started out as mono (me) and him saying he was non-monogamous. There were 5 attempts on his part to connect to other women-non of whom were poly or interested, but he nevertheless tried. I, in the meantime read about poly-all the books I could find, and found it interesting and tried to support his activity. Each partner he selected actually tried to convince him to leave me and become their exclusive partner... not very poly.
This was pretty difficult for me, although my love for X made me want to keep trying ..A year ago, X met M, and the fell in love.. I didn't learn about this until 6 months ago..when X asked me to meet " a friend".. I didn't have any knowledge of their relationship. I actually believed they were friends..however the awkwardness gave me the impression something else was involved. M is much younger than X and has a boyfriend, who doesn't know about X. and wants to keep it that way... Now that I know the true nature of the relationship. I converse with M to let her know that poly is interesting and maybe she would like to read more about it? Very little response back, other than she is very in love with X and would be heart broken if they ever parted.
Now I am talking to my husband (X) about safe sex and contraception and he says they get tested.. ok, but what about birth control? No, not needed. Why?
Because if she gets pregnant, it would be a blessing, babies are wonderful..
I am now freaking out.. we never discussed this, and they are already engaging in unprotected sex with the possibility of pregnancy.. Did I mention both me and my husband have grown children?
I am very upset with this very new development and am ready to end my relationship with my husband...I am giving up.. but would like your comments about this.. Anyone else experience something like this?

 

[Marcus]

Now I am talking to my husband (X) about safe sex and contraception and he says they get tested.. ok, but what about birth control? No, not needed. Why?
Because if she gets pregnant, it would be a blessing, babies are wonderful..
I am now freaking out.. we never discussed this, and they are already engaging in unprotected sex with the possibility of pregnancy.. Did I mention both me and my husband have grown children?

I am a little flabbergasted that you've been in a poly relationship for 7 years and never discussed sexual health. This is something that, if it's important to you, needs to be discussed explicitly and probably more than once over the life of this long of a relationship.

I am very upset with this very new development and am ready to end my relationship with my husband...I am giving up..

I'm not sure I get why this relationship was a secret to begin with. My guess is that he didn't feel safe telling you what was going on. That's not a dig on you, just the most likely reason.

It doesn't sound like your lines of communication are open, has it been this way for a long time?

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm so sorry.

Because if she gets pregnant, it would be a blessing, babies are wonderful.
I am now freaking out.. we never discussed this, and they are already engaging in unprotected sex with the possibility of pregnancy.

And he also engages in unprotected sex with you without letting you know he has taken on other partners? If so? He's playing fast and loose with your health if he's not informing you so you can make informed decisions. Sounds like he's making unilateral decisions for the couple. Things that can and do affect you in your life without obtaining your consent or giving you a heads up or anything. That's not loving behavior.

You are just supposed to go along with whatever and lump it?

I am very upset with this very new development and am ready to end my relationship with my husband...I am giving up.. but would like your comments about this.. Anyone else experience something like this?

Never experienced something like this. I could see where you would be very upset though. I could also see where you are just done with this relationship and don't want to be here any more. Your consent belongs to you. You choose what you want to participate in or not. If you are done participating here, you are done then.

I'm sorry you deal in this though.

It must be a huge disappointment to care for someone and come to learn that they don't seem to care how they ding you when they behave so... cavalier.

It's just astonishingly callous.

Galagirl

 

[powerpuffgrl1969]

Has he not thought about how him having another child will directly impact you? Or does he just not care?

And, if she gets pregnant by your husband, what about the boyfriend?

Your kids are grown and now you have an opportunity for a new life for yourself. Your next relationship, if you have one (people CAN survive without a romantic relationship) may be mono; may be poly. You get to decide

It sounds like you have enough self esteem to let go of what no longer works for you.

 

[Magdlyn]

Yikes what a mess!

Your husband is really bad at poly. Every single woman he's been with wants to take him away from you and get him to be mono with them. But he's poly! So those women were stupid. They were stupid and rude to want to rope him away from you. Although who knows what bad things he said about you to them to get them to imagine they had a chance at cowgirling him away from the "ball and chain."

Ugh

And now, he's fucking around with a woman who is cheating on her boyfriend with him, yet doesn't mind getting knocked up by your husband! Is she gonna let her bf think the child is his bio kid, when in fact there's a good chance it's the bio kid of a secret lover?

I'd run from your husband. You and he are older? It sounds like he's going thru a weird mid life crisis. You're mono and yet you know more about ETHICAL non-monogamy than he does.

Yuck

Until you're ready to leave, stop having sex with him, or if you must get laid, use a condom with Mr No Ethics.

 

[breathemusic]

If this were me, this would be a deal breaker. The fact that husband even thinks any of his behavior is remotely acceptable speaks to character that to me, would be unacceptable in a partner. I'm sorry that you're having to go through this experience.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Veda,

I'm very sorry things have gotten to this point. Your husband has been reckless and foolhardy, and inconsiderate towards you. I'd probably give up too if I were in your shoes. Don't think of it as giving up, think of it as opening a new chapter in your life.

Don't hesitate to post here anytime you need help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Ravenscroft]

Each partner he selected actually tried to convince him to leave me and become their exclusive partner... not very poly.

Definitely NOT polyamory.

I didn't learn about this until 6 months ago ... I didn't have any knowledge of their relationship.

NOT polyamory.

a boyfriend, who doesn't know about X. and wants to keep it that way...

Definitely NOT polyamory

birth control? No, not needed. Why? Because if she gets pregnant, it would be a blessing, babies are wonderful..

Blithely willing to force this into YOUR life? Really NOT polyamory.

we never discussed this

NOT polyamory, right there.

I am giving up.

Actually, it sounds to me like HE has already given up, & you're just waving as his ship pulls away from the dock. Sure, he might paint YOU as a Big Meanie for letting him get on that boat, but the fact is that he bought the ticket all by himself.

 

[Shaya]

Hi Veda,

Doesn't sound like polyamory to me. My impression of polyamory is that it is non monogamy with the consent of all parties involved. Many things here happening without consent or agreement.

Your story sounds so sad that I thought I'd try to give you something to smile at. Hope my humor's not in bad taste, but here's a Venn diagram of the different types of non monogamy.

But don't (as the title of your thread says) give up. Your partner needs to realise that many women are unlikely to want polyamory if they are young and still looking for "the one." He won't be able to do polyamory with any of these women since these women often want something in life that he can't give to them whilst he is already married. If he wants polyamory, my suggestion to him would be to try polyamorous circles, otherwise he will just be tempted to have an affair and those don't tend to go well. Instead of giving up, try something like affair recovery perhaps. I'm more worried for the other woman's husband. This is an affair and i feel sorry for him.