Green-eyed Monster

[Sunshine79]

How do you do it? No, but like, really?

I confess I've never felt this kind of envy or FOMO or literally the entire list of emotions that come with it from every single article Kevin has shared (I read them all) to this degree ever in my life. I'm not normally an insecure person. But fuck me, it's eating me alive and it seems to attack in unpredictable waves.

My husband and I have been ENM for 3 years and married 19. Our solo journeys have generally been fairly well balanced up until this year, where we've both experienced a bit of a dry spell, him less than me. He's much happier with super casual, and as the man who mostly gets to initiate dates, he sets the tone for himself. I've gone on a dozen semi-lame first dates for the last year and a half.

He has a girlfriend now. Like, he legitimately likes her and calls her his girlfriend (to her). Regular check-ins, regular dates, NRE out the wazoo. And he's super good with balancing his time with her vs. his family time. Nothing he's doing is impeding anything over here.

EXCEPT my raging jealousy that I don't have something similar and can't seem to find it. The majority of those articles said to identify the source of the envy. And it is NOT fear that our relationship is in danger; it isn't FEAR at all of him or his actions or his feelings or anything. It is INSECURITY and FOMO to be his roommate and primary partner and everything I am (which is very close to him in every way) and for him to have this wonderful thing, and me to not have something similar and desperately want it.

It is tainting so much of my life. We are at the point in 19 years of scheduling sex, and like, I confess it is working and it is hot and blah. MY MARRIAGE is great. But like, today for example, I caught sight of his most recent texts with his gf, which are innocent and normal and FINE - but like, he's signing off with her every night and checking in with her every morning and the green-eyed monster is whispering to me: he's only scheduling sex and acting into you so he can continue to have this thing on the side, which he really really wants.

(I know it is a lie. Of course there are more. How do I make these feelings go away??)

 

[Sunshine79]

It feels like it would help to give you his side of things because we really are super open with all this shit. (I texting him just now. Confessed I've been hit by that unexpected train of negative emotions and nothing feels good or right and I'm just like, nauseated and sad and feel like we are kind of pretending. I also confessed that I know the feelings are also coming with irrational fight-or-flight lies.

Here's his response. It isn't really helping. I hate myself when I feel like this.

 

[Magdlyn]

Well, damn. I am sorry you're so envious and feeling less than, even though you know it's entirely irrational.

I guess it was different for me. When my partner Pixi finally found a great long-term bf/relationship, because I'd already had years of fun dates, and even felt loved and love for some of those people (despite nothing lasting longer than 2 1/2 years), Pixi had struggled to find any interest for ages, mostly because she's a transwoman, so was either insulted or bullied online for that, or fetishized.

I'd experienced a degree of fetishization as an older poly woman too, but nothing to the extent she'd suffered. So, by the time she found Malachi, I was so full of compersion for her, I felt like I myself had hit the jackpot!

But as for you, I can also relate, because for the 3ish years before I finally met Aries, I had become totally jaded by quite some time of bad first dates, or dating partners who had turned out to be lame, or even creeps, when first presenting as pretty great. It was really disappointing, and I just completely gave up, and devoted myself to Pixi and other interests.

I guess, I always knew I had a lot to give, and I wondered why no one (except Pixi) appreciated my gifts! I'm not bad looking, intelligent, good sense of humor, sexual, artistic, great cook, smell good (lol), open-minded to kinks, have free time (semi-retired), good boobs (lol), etc.

Sometimes it takes the universe a while to deliver just the right match. I know that person will come for you!

 

[Sunshine79]

It was really disappointing, and I just completely gave up, and devoted myself to Pixi and other interests.

There's pretty strong energy leading me in this direction. Can I do it and be okay with my husband PLUS his girlfriend? That is the question I have for myself, haha. It changes every day.

Like, how long does it take for the system to reset when we are purging old habits and dopamine addictions? Is that what I need? A good dose of withdrawal and renew??

 

[Belladonna]

How do you do it? No, but like, really?

I confess I've never felt this kind of envy or FOMO or literally the entire list of emotions that come with it from every single article Kevin has shared (I read them all) to this degree ever in my life. I'm not normally an insecure person. But fuck me, it's eating me alive and it seems to attack in unpredictable waves.

My husband and I have been ENM for 3 years and married 19. Our solo journeys have generally been fairly well balanced up until this year, where we've both experienced a bit of a dry spell, him less than me. He's much happier with super casual, and as the man who mostly gets to initiate dates, he sets the tone for himself. I've gone on a dozen semi-lame first dates for the last year and a half.

He has a girlfriend now. Like, he legitimately likes her and calls her his girlfriend (to her). Regular check-ins, regular dates, NRE out the wazoo. And he's super good with balancing his time with her vs. his family time. Nothing he's doing is impeding anything over here.

EXCEPT my raging jealousy that I don't have something similar and can't seem to find it. The majority of those articles said to identify the source of the envy. And it is NOT fear that our relationship is in danger; it isn't FEAR at all of him or his actions or his feelings or anything. It is INSECURITY and FOMO to be his roommate and primary partner and everything I am (which is very close to him in every way) and for him to have this wonderful thing, and me to not have something similar and desperately want it.

It is tainting so much of my life. We are at the point in 19 years of scheduling sex, and like, I confess it is working and it is hot and blah. MY MARRIAGE is great. But like, today for example, I caught sight of his most recent texts with his gf, which are innocent and normal and FINE - but like, he's signing off with her every night and checking in with her every morning and the green-eyed monster is whispering to me: he's only scheduling sex and acting into you so he can continue to have this thing on the side, which he really really wants.

(I know it is a lie. Of course there are more. How do I make these feelings go away??)

The mind is so funny, isn’t it? We never know when it’s being true or just mean. I have this problem (as I am sure most do). I am also an over-thinker and that does not help with negative self-talk.

Things that help for me is writing down lists of things I know are true.
1. He loves me
2. He is choosing to be with me.
3. We picked this life.
4. I want this life.
5. I am educated, smart, and worthy of others.

It helps. I will do this for anything I feel "less than" about. It helps. But it doesn’t go away entirely. Time helps. The lists help. But the feelings do cycle. It’s just human nature. I accept it, know it’s just my mind playing weird tricks, and feel my feelings. Staying busy also helps. I will find a new hobby or something to take up my time until I feel better.

 

[Magdlyn]

There's pretty strong energy leading me in this direction. Can I do it and be okay with my husband PLUS his girlfriend? That is the question I have for myself, haha. It changes every day.

Like, how long does it take for the system to reset when we are purging old habits and dopamine addictions? Is that what I need? A good dose of withdrawal and renew??

I guess, after the first year or so of fully practicing polyamory, I learned to be wary of my NRE. I didn't allow myself to be addicted to it. I read a lot about the hazards of NRE, mostly on here, but also in the book Opening Up. I learned that it's just like a drug addiction, happening in the same area of the brain. I have never been addicted to drugs, hard drugs, coke or heroin or anything. I don't need that rush to make life worth living.

So I was determined to focus on the long game. I wanted long-term, steady, loyal loving partners. I did not want new partner after new partner, just to get that exciting hit of hormones. I love great sex, and I wanted it with a real partner, or partners, to get those good feelings. I don't enjoy sex with new people as much as I enjoy it when I really trust someone.

NRE fades after six months to two years... and then what? You allow yourself to take your dear partner for granted, stop dating them, stop having new and exciting adventures together, let it be all chores and looking at separate screens? No! Keep dating your current partner.

From that text you shared, it sounds like you didn't have NRE with your husband, at least at first? No "butterflies"?

 

[Sunshine79]

From that text you shared, it sounds like you didn't have NRE with your husband, at least at first? No "butterflies"?

We had it. We did. But our story is a weird one. We met in an intense job setting, a wilderness camp for juvenile delinquents, where we lived with the kids we were counseling and teaching. Outside. In the woods. He was my trainer and then he left the company.

We dated 2 days and 3 nights a week for 5 months, then got married less than a year after meeting.

We were poor as dirt when we officially moved in together as a married couple and that, combined with using birth control for the first time in my life, spiraled me into my first bout of what I now know is depression, that I’ve managed in various ways for the last 19 years.

We also got pregnant with child one (of four) in the first six months.

It was a mega-dose of hard life changes we weathered together. I think it’s safe to say the NRE was short-lived, and we never honeymooned.

Now, 19 years, four kids, a couple significant career changes and vast financial improvement later, it’s like we have a commitment to tap back into the lost decade. But we are realistic about the fact that a lot has changed physically, what with getting older, and our sex drives, and perimenopause and all of that.

I’m 42. Why am I still so giddy for those teenager feelings?!

 

[Magdlyn]

Well, it sounds like we come from very different backgrounds, since you're coming from a fundamentalist Christian upbringing. So you're going to have different kinds of FOMO then I might have, right? And different ideas and feelings about dating and sex. My parents were atheists and I grew up in the suburbs of NYC, so I was always around progressive ideas, was a free-love hippie chick in my teens, etc.

I admit, I had about a dozen sex partners in my teens (shorter-term relationships, and some one-off experiments), from age 16-19, before I met my husband-to-be in college, and we became monogamous. We married when I was 22 and he was 24, right after I graduated from college. So, when we split when I was 53, I did feel like I'd missed out on sowing my wild oats in my 20s, as many people do, especially now that people are delaying marriage until age 28, or not getting married at all!

So, even though I wanted two long-term partners in a poly V configuration (preferably one female and one male), I did date a lot of people, had a lot of sex, had a lot of NRE along the way, and did feel like I relived my 20s in my 50s haha.

I didn't get jaded about dating completely until I was in my early-to-mid 60s. I had a theory that most men who would date me were either too old/creaky/infirm, not very energetic, and not keeping up with the times enough for me, or, if they were younger, in their 40s, say, and poly, they had wives and kids and demanding jobs and not much time to actually date.

It was just sheer luck that Aries is younger than me, new to poly, but very excited to do it, energetic, was not married, never had kids, has enough free time to date me, is local, and all that. Likewise, when we met, Pixi was wasn't married, had no kids, had time to date, was local, etc.

Oh, and they weren't just creepy social rejects, or narcissists, deeply and untreated mentally ill/depressed, etc., like some of the other people I'd tried to date.

 

[Bobbi]

This is super hard. You've read all of the advice about distracting yourself, finding other hobbies, blah blah blah. You need something new. I'm going to try to give it to you.

First, let's recognize that your body feels a threat (real or imagined) and hops into fight-or-flight mode. You cannot control your autonomic nervous system, no matter how much you try, so you need to learn to go WITH it. Over time, it will learn that this particular threat is not a threat and the trigger will become less and less. So remember, this will get better over time.

The problem is, it's triggered every time something new happens, with each new experience with your husband's relationship that you haven't experienced before, like seeing their text messages, going to a place that you two went that was special to you, new relationship milestones, etc. So yes, this will continue. The good thing is that once you work through new experiences, they will start coming less frequently, as the newness will also come less frequently. (You'll have triggers long into poly that you'll think you had mastered but hadn't quite yet. It happens.)

Now that you know what's happening, how to deal with it? Of course, mindfulness and meditation are tops, but some people just don't want to take the time to master that. It also takes time to master and is horrible in the moment when you haven't mastered it. So that's out.

Amazingly enough, it only takes 90 seconds of allowing yourself to fully feel an emotion to process and move past it. Sounds too good to be true? We have been taught that strong emotions are a bad thing and need to be controlled. In poly, you hear that these emotions are not desirable, and are even bad, and to work on not having them any more. A good poly person has mastered them and never feels them.... That's bullshit.

These are real emotions that are exaggerated by the fight-or-flight body response, the horrible feeling in your body that you'll do anything to make go away. Sometimes your autonomic system resets quickly, sometimes not, but you can accept the feelings in your body as just that, and focus in the emotions that feeling is exaggerating.

You want to feel the emotions fully. Don't try to hold back. Go somewhere alone where you can let it all out in a way that feels natural. I love my bedroom, as I feel safe there, can bury my head in pillows so the neighbors won't call the police from my wailing cries or screams. And a mattress is a great punching bag. Cry as if you lost him, scream at the top of your lungs, punch pillows if you feel you need a physical outlet (fight). Just let yourself go fully and you'll find it takes about 90 seconds of that to resolve those feelings.

The fight or flight might take a bit longer, but it will resolve faster if you physically respond with crying, screaming, running, hitting something in a non-destructive way. Some go for a run, or other physical exertion that's giving it everything you've got (flight). Your body will respond quicker if you actually fight or flee. The longer you hold back, the worse it gets.

Let your partner know what you are doing and to ignore you if he's home. You don't need rescuing from him. You need to fully let it out, and might hold back if he interferes.

Edit to add: when going for a run I don't mean a light jog of 30 minutes or more, I mean a full out run. As fast as you can as far as you can go. A sprint, giving it your all. It might last 30, 50 or 100 yards. It could last more if you are in great shape but the point is not how far you go. The point is going as fast as you can as long as you can. It takes less than a minute and will stop that fight or flight feeling right away.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Sunshine79,

Time may be your friend. The jealous/envious feelings may not go away for quite a while. You know they're irrational, so don't overanalyze them. It's pretty straightforward: Your husband is enjoying a poly romance, and you aren't. There isn't much you can do about that, other than to keep looking for people to date and just being patient while the meh dates roll by. In the meantime, be patient with yourself. The jealous/envious feelings will go away eventually if you can just sit with them for the time being. I know it's not easy. I know those feelings are extremely uncomfortable.

It sounds like you have talked to your husband about this, and his response has been irate and maybe a little bit bitter. It is not your fault that you feel like this; you don't choose your feelings. Your husband could express sympathy, without trying to solve the problem for you. I'm sorry he's not doing that. He is not giving you the support that you need.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.

 

[Sunshine79]

This is super hard. You've read all of the advice about distracting yourself, finding other hobbies, blah blah blah. You need something new. I'm going to try to give it to you.

First, let's recognize that your body feels a threat (real or imagined) and hops into fight-or-flight mode. You cannot control your autonomic nervous system, no matter how much you try, so you need to learn to go WITH it. Over time, it will learn that this particular threat is not a threat and the trigger will become less and less. So remember, this will get better over time.

The problem is, it's triggered every time something new happens, with each new experience with your husband's relationship that you haven't experienced before, like seeing their text messages, going to a place that you two went that was special to you, new relationship milestones, etc. So yes, this will continue. The good thing is that once you work through new experiences, they will start coming less frequently, as the newness will also come less frequently. (You'll have triggers long into poly that you'll think you had mastered but hadn't quite yet. It happens.)

Now that you know what's happening, how to deal with it? Of course, mindfulness and meditation are tops, but some people just don't want to take the time to master that. It also takes time to master and is horrible in the moment when you haven't mastered it. So that's out.

Amazingly enough, it only takes 90 seconds of allowing yourself to fully feel an emotion to process and move past it. Sounds too good to be true? We have been taught that strong emotions are a bad thing and need to be controlled. In poly, you hear that these emotions are not desirable, and are even bad, and to work on not having them any more. A good poly person has mastered them and never feels them.... That's bullshit.

These are real emotions that are exaggerated by the fight-or-flight body response, the horrible feeling in your body that you'll do anything to make go away. Sometimes your autonomic system resets quickly, sometimes not, but you can accept the feelings in your body as just that, and focus in the emotions that feeling is exaggerating.

You want to feel the emotions fully. Don't try to hold back. Go somewhere alone where you can let it all out in a way that feels natural. I love my bedroom, as I feel safe there, can bury my head in pillows so the neighbors won't call the police from my wailing cries or screams. And a mattress is a great punching bag. Cry as if you lost him, scream at the top of your lungs, punch pillows if you feel you need a physical outlet (fight). Just let yourself go fully and you'll find it takes about 90 seconds of that to resolve those feelings.

The fight or flight might take a bit longer, but it will resolve faster if you physically respond with crying, screaming, running, hitting something in a non-destructive way. Some go for a run, or other physical exertion that's giving it everything you've got (flight). Your body will respond quicker if you actually fight or flee. The longer you hold back, the worse it gets.

Let your partner know what you are doing and to ignore you if he's home. You don't need rescuing from him. You need to fully let it out, and might hold back if he interferes.

Edit to add: when going for a run I don't mean a light jog of 30 minutes or more, I mean a full out run. As fast as you can as far as you can go. A sprint, giving it your all. It might last 30, 50 or 100 yards. It could last more if you are in great shape but the point is not how far you go. The point is going as fast as you can as long as you can. It takes less than a minute and will stop that fight or flight feeling right away.

This is so freakishly helpful and is making me cry and feel deeply loved. By the way.

 

[Sunshine79]

It sounds like you have talked to your husband about this, and his response has been irate and maybe a little bit bitter. It is not your fault that you feel like this; you don't choose your feelings. Your husband could express sympathy, without trying to solve the problem for you. I'm sorry he's not doing that. He is not giving you the support that you need.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.

It comes and goes in waves for both of us. It does. I just tend to be the more high maintenance partner all the time. And I don’t blame that on my femininity. It’s something else. I rarely apologize for this self that has long been taking up way too much space. Haha. Sometimes it manifests in great healing, creating, and inspiring. Sometimes it is all consuming and devours. And I’m the fantastic vessel that just carries it and leaks onto whoever is closest to me.

Alas. All of this is helping in the moment even tho the feelings (and deeper feelings) have not passed.

I’m thankful for this community. It’s such a weird time we live in that these dumb devices can be the source of so much stress and also provide solutions.

I wish instead of laying in this bath typing with my thumbs, we had all met on a trail today and talked and walked and breathed some of the same actual air together.

 

[kdt26417]

Everyone needs simple, uncomplicated support from time to time. If you can get that support from internet strangers, well that's all to the good. If you can get it on the trail, that's even better. But I'd have too many struggles catching my breath to be of much help.

 

[dingedheart]

It feels like it would help to give you his side of things because we really are super open with all this shit. (I texting him just now. Confessed I've been hit by that unexpected train of negative emotions and nothing feels good or right and I'm just like, nauseated and sad and feel like we are kind of pretending. I also confessed that I know the feelings are also coming with irrational fight-or-flight lies.

Here's his response. It isn't really helping. I hate myself when I feel like this.

View attachment 4623

To me, this sounds like a guy who was pushed into poly, or struggled a good bit on the front end, and in his own words, had to readjust what he was to you (hinting that was second place during your NRE phase). To deal with it, it sounds like he cut expectations and other relationship strings and ideas to cope.

What prompted you two to open up your relationship? What were each of your expectations going in? What type of education process did you do, as a couple or individually?