The bigger problem is the lack of trust. If I'm texting so she doesn't have to worry then great. If I am texting so she can keep tabs on me at all times and then get interrogated when I get home then that's not healthy for our relationship.
I agree the issue is trust-but I think maybe you aren't seeing how trust is rebuilt.
Trust isn't rebuilt by someone saying anything. It's rebuilt by experiencing that they aren't lying and THAT is hard to achieve.
One thing I find made a HUGE HUGE HUGE difference in our relationship; is when I decided to create my own boundaries for MY own behavior.
To use your texting example;
I make it MY duty to text if I am going to be late. Period.
Doesn't matter if he wants it or not.
It's not about HIM-it's about me being the kind of person I want to be-which is considerate, responsible and concientious.
So-I text.
He can take it or leave it.
The other side of that coin, was that I could more easily state what it was I was doing, and he could easily see that in fact, that is what I had been doing.
So when he threw a temper tantrum about me being late, I could say "I told you I would text if I was late. I did not agree to never being late. I won't fight about it. When you are calm, rational and have your emotions under control, we can talk about what you are feeling."
Then-I could walk away and not be caught up in the "WHEN is ENOUGH ENOUGH?" issues.
But none of that could happen until I got VERY VERY clear with what my expectations were for me, stated them clearly, AND upheld them to the letter.
Furthermore; with rebuilding trust; it's about SHOWING, not saying.
If you maintain complete privacy, there is no showing going on and that means there is no trust growing going on either.
Right wrong or otherwise, seeing is believing and if you aren't showing what you are doing/saying then they aren't seeing it.
I am generally a very outgoing, social flirt. My husband is NOT NOT NOT. He had a HARD time with that. he still does. But-before he could realize that my flirting was "just flirting" he had to SEE. By being able to go through and read the long versions of my conversations, by being able to overhear phone calls and scroll through series of emails, he started to see the theme.
That didn't change who he is and sometimes he still freaks out. But-it did help him to see who I am.
Too often, we try to keep the sides of ourselves that we know upset or hurt our partners, hidden from them. Whether for their benefit, or just so we can avoid the drama;
But this is actually counter-productive. Because the result is that they feel the break in the field so to speak. They can sense that there is something missing but they don't know what it is-which increases their fear, doubt and paranoia.
It also means that they aren't actually loving us for who we are.
It was a scary step at first. But when I became pointblank about who I am and I stopped trying to keep certain parts "hidden" from view-meaning that I flirt IN FRONT of him with other people. I say what I mean, I do what I want. IN FRONT OF HIM. Then-he knows me. He is free to choose to love ME, the REAL me, or leave. But there is no risk of him THINKING he loves me only to find out that who he loved was a figment of his imagination and my creation.
I tell him about flirting with people at school. I jump into my best friends arms and kiss him on the cheek or sit in his lap or whatever-in front of him. It makes him uncomfortable sometimes. Sometimes it scares the shit out of him. But he KNOWS ME. He knows I'm not hiding me from him. So he trusts me. Because he knows even if it's something he doesn't want to hear or see-I won't keep him in the dark.