Guilty about trips

Update: I ended things with Tyler. I think there were a lot of needs that I wasn't going to be able to meet for him. He was asking for more calls, voice messages, selfies and other bonding time, which would have cut into my time with Kevin, and what little personal time I have. It's been a stressful time at work too, with it being audit season. I just have nothing more to give. Even after telling him my cup was empty and I just could not squeeze any more energy out, he said he was not asking that much more of me and his needs weren't important to me.

I am just exhausted. Thank you all for your replies. It did mean a lot to me and gave me a lot to think about.
 
I feel a bit crazy. I am heartbroken. He is insisting this breakup is a rash decision and we could have made things work. At this point, I just feel he has relationship needs I can't satisfy and he would be much happier in a relationship with someone with a lot more available time. I feel like I did the right thing, but he's making me doubt myself.
 
I feel a bit crazy. I am heartbroken. He is insisting this breakup is a rash decision and we could have made things work.
I know, it's very hard. But there is a deep incompatibility issue here.

At this point, I just feel he has relationship needs I can't satisfy, and he would be much happier in a relationship with someone with a lot more available time.
Agreed. Relationships should be enriching you, not this. Tyler will find someone else who has the same wants and needs as him.
I feel like I did the right thing, but he's making me doubt myself.
If that is what feels right, so be it. You have to do what's best for YOU.
 
I'm sorry to hear about the break up. I think it was best in this situation though.

The whole thing sounded like it was sucking you dry when you are already exhausted from work and other things. :(

I just have nothing more to give. Even after telling him my cup was empty and I just could not squeeze any more energy out, he said he was not asking that much more of me and his needs weren't important to me.

This guy doesn't listen and doesn't care what it costs you? He wants to get the most? So guilt-trippy.

I feel a bit crazy. I am heartbroken. He is insisting this breakup is a rash decision and we could have made things work. At this point, I just feel he has relationship needs I can't satisfy and he would be much happier in a relationship with someone with a lot more available time. I feel like I did the right thing, but he's making me doubt myself.

If you two are still communicating and it's leading to you feeling crazy, stop communication and block him on all things. He's not at full acceptance. He has a therapist to help him. Presumably he also has friends and family to talk to. You are now the ex. It's just not the ex's job to comfort him in his break up grief. You have your own grief to process. It's like this guy wants to keep ON sucking you dry. Tyler sounds like he has very poor boundaries.

You totally did the right thing. You have to think about your own health and well-being.

Galagirl
 
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Hi SierraValley356,

I'm sorry you had to break up with Tyler, but it does seem like he was demanding things of you that were unreasonable and just too much. He now says the breakup is unnecessary, and that you and he could have made things work, but then he also says that his needs aren't important to you. I feel that he is kind of contradicting himself with these two positions. Why would he want to keep dating you if you don't care about his needs? Sounds fishy to me, I think you are pulling out before things get worse for you. He needs to be more forthcoming with his therapist, and work on his cognitive dissonance. And there's no one who can tell him that except himself. This breakup might be the wake-up call he needs, but in any case it is his problem to handle. Take care of yourself, you haven't done anything wrong.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Even after telling him my cup was empty and I just could not squeeze any more energy out, he said he was not asking that much more of me and his needs weren't important to me
He is insisting this breakup is a rash decision and we could have made things work.
But HE wasn't WILLING to make it work. You had nothing left to give and instead of accepting that, he demanded more.

You were incompatible and it couldn't be worked out. You made the right decision. Even when it hurts, it's still right.
 
You did the right thing. Good for you for being swift. You are engaged. The last thing you need is drama from a non-nesting partner.

Some hardcore Poly folks can be about treating all partners the same. I favor the distinction between primary and secondary be widespread. Accordingly, it sounds like Tyler was not getting he was the secondary, or that you and even Kevin were putting in more into the relationship with Tyler than you were getting out of it.
 
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