SierraValley356
New member
Hi everyone! I am looking for some advice on a situation I am running into with one of my partners. I will be using fake names for anonymity.
I (28F) have two partners, Kevin (32M), and Tyler (31M). Kevin is my NP and we are publicly engaged. We do not advertise we are poly to those around us as we live in a part of the country that is not accepting of poly relationships.
Tyler lives a few hours away, but I go and spend the weekend with him every other weekend, and he comes and visits for a day on our off weeks, so we still get consistent time together, despite the distance.
Kevin is pretty laid back and we spend most of our evenings together, since we live together. But we don't usually go on trips together, for both financial reasons and lazy reasons. He's pretty Type B and generally prefers staying home and relaxing on weekends instead of traveling.
Tyler is different and is definitely a Type A individual. He has the financial means to travel and really enjoys traveling, so we travel quite a bit together. In a given year I will generally go on more than double the trips with Tyler than with Kevin.
Tyler and I have run into an emotional disagreement on traveling and poly. Next month I have a trip for work and will be flying to another city. Tyler was upset because he and I are both big aviation nerds, and I hadn't flown in a long while, and he wanted to be with me on my first flight in years. I was a bit upset because it made me feel crappy that flying with me was important to him, even if it was out of my control with work.
Kevin and I want to plan a trip on a train to go see some friends a state over. I mentioned this to Tyler and he was frustrated that he also wouldn't get a chance to ride on the train with me for the first time (in 20 years - I've been on a train before).
I am at a bit of a loss. Every trip I go on with Kevin, Tyler feels upset that he cannot go with me, or that my first time doing those things in a while won't be with him. All this really does is upset me, since some of these things are out of my control, but I also want to allocate trips to Kevin. Kevin and I have 3 planned trips this year-- two small weekend ones and one larger one. Tyler and I also have 3 planned trips this year-- 2 large trips and one smaller trip. He also wants to plan some more trips, as well.
Kevin is taking me traveling with Tyler pretty well, but I can tell it upsets him when I plan big trips with Tyler, even if he doesn't say anything. But he always puts on a smile and tells me to have a good time at the end of the day, when he's worked through his feelings. I try to plan exclusive trips with him so that he and I get to make those traveling memories together as well.
I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I don't like diminishing Tyler's feelings of being upset he can't do these things with me, but I also find it painful and unreasonable that he feels the need to tell me how upset it makes him that I am doing these things. All it does is make me feel bad and not want to go on these trips with Kevin or for work because he is just going to be upset about it. I don't want to invalidate his feelings, but I don't think it's fair to me, either. I've been really hurting and it makes me want to cancel all trips with both of them just so I don't have to fight about it anymore.
Any advice? I really don't know what to do.
I (28F) have two partners, Kevin (32M), and Tyler (31M). Kevin is my NP and we are publicly engaged. We do not advertise we are poly to those around us as we live in a part of the country that is not accepting of poly relationships.
Tyler lives a few hours away, but I go and spend the weekend with him every other weekend, and he comes and visits for a day on our off weeks, so we still get consistent time together, despite the distance.
Kevin is pretty laid back and we spend most of our evenings together, since we live together. But we don't usually go on trips together, for both financial reasons and lazy reasons. He's pretty Type B and generally prefers staying home and relaxing on weekends instead of traveling.
Tyler is different and is definitely a Type A individual. He has the financial means to travel and really enjoys traveling, so we travel quite a bit together. In a given year I will generally go on more than double the trips with Tyler than with Kevin.
Tyler and I have run into an emotional disagreement on traveling and poly. Next month I have a trip for work and will be flying to another city. Tyler was upset because he and I are both big aviation nerds, and I hadn't flown in a long while, and he wanted to be with me on my first flight in years. I was a bit upset because it made me feel crappy that flying with me was important to him, even if it was out of my control with work.
Kevin and I want to plan a trip on a train to go see some friends a state over. I mentioned this to Tyler and he was frustrated that he also wouldn't get a chance to ride on the train with me for the first time (in 20 years - I've been on a train before).
I am at a bit of a loss. Every trip I go on with Kevin, Tyler feels upset that he cannot go with me, or that my first time doing those things in a while won't be with him. All this really does is upset me, since some of these things are out of my control, but I also want to allocate trips to Kevin. Kevin and I have 3 planned trips this year-- two small weekend ones and one larger one. Tyler and I also have 3 planned trips this year-- 2 large trips and one smaller trip. He also wants to plan some more trips, as well.
Kevin is taking me traveling with Tyler pretty well, but I can tell it upsets him when I plan big trips with Tyler, even if he doesn't say anything. But he always puts on a smile and tells me to have a good time at the end of the day, when he's worked through his feelings. I try to plan exclusive trips with him so that he and I get to make those traveling memories together as well.
I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I don't like diminishing Tyler's feelings of being upset he can't do these things with me, but I also find it painful and unreasonable that he feels the need to tell me how upset it makes him that I am doing these things. All it does is make me feel bad and not want to go on these trips with Kevin or for work because he is just going to be upset about it. I don't want to invalidate his feelings, but I don't think it's fair to me, either. I've been really hurting and it makes me want to cancel all trips with both of them just so I don't have to fight about it anymore.
Any advice? I really don't know what to do.