Guilty about trips

SierraValley356

New member
Hi everyone! I am looking for some advice on a situation I am running into with one of my partners. I will be using fake names for anonymity.
I (28F) have two partners, Kevin (32M), and Tyler (31M). Kevin is my NP and we are publicly engaged. We do not advertise we are poly to those around us as we live in a part of the country that is not accepting of poly relationships.

Tyler lives a few hours away, but I go and spend the weekend with him every other weekend, and he comes and visits for a day on our off weeks, so we still get consistent time together, despite the distance.

Kevin is pretty laid back and we spend most of our evenings together, since we live together. But we don't usually go on trips together, for both financial reasons and lazy reasons. He's pretty Type B and generally prefers staying home and relaxing on weekends instead of traveling.

Tyler is different and is definitely a Type A individual. He has the financial means to travel and really enjoys traveling, so we travel quite a bit together. In a given year I will generally go on more than double the trips with Tyler than with Kevin.

Tyler and I have run into an emotional disagreement on traveling and poly. Next month I have a trip for work and will be flying to another city. Tyler was upset because he and I are both big aviation nerds, and I hadn't flown in a long while, and he wanted to be with me on my first flight in years. I was a bit upset because it made me feel crappy that flying with me was important to him, even if it was out of my control with work.

Kevin and I want to plan a trip on a train to go see some friends a state over. I mentioned this to Tyler and he was frustrated that he also wouldn't get a chance to ride on the train with me for the first time (in 20 years - I've been on a train before).

I am at a bit of a loss. Every trip I go on with Kevin, Tyler feels upset that he cannot go with me, or that my first time doing those things in a while won't be with him. All this really does is upset me, since some of these things are out of my control, but I also want to allocate trips to Kevin. Kevin and I have 3 planned trips this year-- two small weekend ones and one larger one. Tyler and I also have 3 planned trips this year-- 2 large trips and one smaller trip. He also wants to plan some more trips, as well.

Kevin is taking me traveling with Tyler pretty well, but I can tell it upsets him when I plan big trips with Tyler, even if he doesn't say anything. But he always puts on a smile and tells me to have a good time at the end of the day, when he's worked through his feelings. I try to plan exclusive trips with him so that he and I get to make those traveling memories together as well.

I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I don't like diminishing Tyler's feelings of being upset he can't do these things with me, but I also find it painful and unreasonable that he feels the need to tell me how upset it makes him that I am doing these things. All it does is make me feel bad and not want to go on these trips with Kevin or for work because he is just going to be upset about it. I don't want to invalidate his feelings, but I don't think it's fair to me, either. I've been really hurting and it makes me want to cancel all trips with both of them just so I don't have to fight about it anymore.

Any advice? I really don't know what to do.
 
Tyler sounds controlling. Are you sure this is actually a relationship you are thriving in? Relationships should lift us up, not drag us down.
 
Tyler sounds controlling. Are you sure this is actually a relationship you are thriving in? Relationships should lift us up, not drag us down.
A good majority of the time he and I get along great. We are very similar and have a lot of great time together. It's really just these trips that he gets stuck on.
 
So have you had a deep and meaningful conversation with him about his attitude?
 
So have you had a deep and meaningful conversation with him about his attitude?
We've talked about it and we are at an impasse. I think he shouldn't tell me that he's upset about these trips because it takes the joy out of these trips, and he feels it's important for him to be able to vocalize how he is feeling with me. If I ask him to not tell me about his upset with the trips, he tells me that he doesn't like feeling like he cannot tell me things. I don't want him feeling like he has to avoid telling me things, but I feel like telling me about this only serves to upset me.

We don't have any issues communicating about anything else. Like I say, the rest of our relationship is quite solid, and we don't have communication issues. It's just these trips, which is why this has been so hard on me. We normally agree on everything, but this has been something we haven't been able to resolve.
 
Work trips are out of your control. He needs to deal with it even in monogamy, so this is not poly related.

This is something beyond your help, and most likely needs to discuss this with a professional. Have you brought up the subject?

Don't want to be presumptuous, but is it possible he has some abandonment issues?
 
I'm sorry, but that's all sounding kind of ridiculous to me, like Tyler wanting to go on the plane with you, when it's a work trip, or on the train, when you've planned that with Kevin. He is perfectly free to plan a flight or train trip any time he wants. Why not tell him to go ahead and plan those and you'll be excited to go? It's a bit bratty of him, imo, to be sulky about getting to be "the first" to take those forms of transportation with you (in X number of years). Have all your trips been by car? Or camel? Or what? lol
 
Work trips are out of your control. He needs to deal with it even in monogamy, so this is not poly related.

This is something beyond your help, and most likely needs to discuss this with a professional. Have you brought up the subject?

Don't want to be presumptuous, but is it possible he has some abandonment issues?
He does have a therapist but I'm unsure if he has brought it up with them because I think he believes i am the one being unreasonable here.
He definitely has abandonment issues. He was adopted and his ex wife kinda treated him like an annoying roommate who just got in her way. I can understand his feelings and I don't want to dismiss them since he has trauma behind all of this but it's really killing me.
 
I'm sorry, but that's all sounding kind of ridiculous to me, like Tyler wanting to go on the plane with you, when it's a work trip, or on the train, when you've planned that with Kevin. He is perfectly free to plan a flight or train trip any time he wants. Why not tell him to go ahead and plan those and you'll be excited to go? It's a bit bratty of him, imo, to be sulky about getting to be "the first" to take those forms of transportation with you (in X number of years). Have all your trips been by car? Or camel? Or what? lol
I primarily drive.
I also found it very frustrating he wanted to be "the first" to take me on those forms of transportation. (Even if it isn't my first time just haven't rode in a while)
It's very important to him that he be the first to do things with me and it just ends up making me feel crappy because I don't want to make Kevin do everything second to Tyler. That's just crappy and unfair to him and me.
 
I don't know if this helps you any.

Tyler and I have run into an emotional disagreement on traveling and poly. Next month I have a trip for work and will be flying to another city. Tyler was upset because he and I are both big aviation nerds, and I hadn't flown in a long while, and he wanted to be with me on my first flight in years.

First, did you WANT to share your first flight in ages with Tyler, or not so much? If yes, is there not time to do a flying date, like, go up in a plane and take a little tour of the city and come down? (Where I live one can easily organize a helicopter or plane sightseeing tour or a flying lesson for the afternoon.) Then the work trip wouldn't be your first flight in ages. You and Tyler can share your aviation interest with this other date. And then you can enjoy your work trip.


I was a bit upset because it made me feel crappy that flying with me was important to him, even if it was out of my control with work.

Do you have good emotional boundaries? Why would you feel crappy because he's upset you have a work thing? Are you gonna quit your job so he doesn't have to deal with the fact that you work?

Kevin and I want to plan a trip on a train to go see some friends a state over. I mentioned this to Tyler and he was frustrated that he also wouldn't get a chance to ride on the train with me for the first time (in 20 years - I've been on a train before).

Why is Tyler THIS hung up on doing things with you as the "first in a long time"?

And again, the Kevin trip sounds like it's in the planning stages, not in "doing" mode yet. If you even feel like sharing this first train thing in a long time, can't you and Tyler arrange for a train day trip, go have lunch in the next town over, something like that?

I am at a bit of a loss. Every trip I go on with Kevin, Tyler feels upset that he cannot go with me, or that my first time doing those things in a while won't be with him.

Have you talked to Tyler about his emotional management? He's just NOT going to get all these "firsts" or "first in a long time" with you. YOU get to decide what to do with your time and energy. YOU get to decide the company you keep on your trips and if you'd rather take them solo. HE has to find a way to regulate himself and manage his disappointment.

All this really does is upset me, since some of these things are out of my control, but I also want to allocate trips to Kevin.

Again, why do you have to take Tyler's upset on board for yourself? Some of these things are out of your control. You want to allocate some trips to Kevin. So, just live your life.

I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I don't think you are. To me, it sounds like Tyler is trying to make you responsible for his feelings, rather than doing his emotional management himself. You don't have to lift a finger to help him when he gets himself all cranked up. If he likes being cranked up, he can go be cranked up at his house. If he doesn't like being cranked up, he can work with his therapist to learn how to not to crank his own self up.

I don't like diminishing Tyler's feelings of being upset he can't do these things with me,

HOW are you diminishing them? You don't sound like you are being rude to him. You plan trips with both partners. You don't sound like you behave like a jerk to Tyler about it.

I also find it painful and unreasonable that he feels the need to tell me how upset it makes him that I am doing these things.

That's where you get to...

  • STOP telling Tyler about your trips with Kevin or for work. No details. You're just not available on x days.
  • Tell him about your trips naturally. And if he cranks himself up over it, you say "I see you are upset" and do nothing else if he fusses at you. It's not your job to solve his feelings for him. He has a therapist. He knows how to call for an appointment.
  • Set a boundary. "Tyler, I don't like it when whoosh your upsets at me like that. You need to find a way to manage your disappointment in a healthier way. If you whoosh at me like that again, I'm going home." And you just go home and don't deal in that. For the rest of the day, the week, or permanently. That right. If he keeps on this way and it's a drag, you can dump him.

I've been really hurting and it makes me want to cancel all trips with both of them just so I don't have to fight about it anymore.

Why would you shrink/cancel your life because someone else can't cope with the fact you have one?

Any advice? I really don't know what to do.

If Tyler can't get it together, won't see a counselor about whatever his issues are, or has a counselor but doesn't make use of his therapy time, cancel Tyler, rather than cancel your trips. There are other people in the world to poly date.

Galagirl
 
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He does have a therapist but I'm unsure if he has brought it up with them because I think he believes i am the one being unreasonable here.
Perhaps tell him to discuss that with his therapist.
He definitely has abandonment issues.
That's stuff he needs to work out on his OWN. Not your responsibility.
He was adopted and his ex wife kinda treated him like an annoying roommate who just got in her way. I can understand his feelings and I don't want to dismiss them since he has trauma behind all of this but it's really killing me.
I'm very sorry for him. But that is his stuff, not your stuff. You are not his ex-wife. I'd say recalibrate and put a pause if you like or bow out of this relationship. Doesn't seem healthy dating. Not for monogamy, not for polyamory.
 
Did you WANT to share your first flight in ages with Tyler? Is there not time to do a flying date? Like go up in a plane and take a little tour of the city and come down? You and Tyler can share your aviation interest with this other date thing. And you can enjoy your work trip.
Do you have good emotional boundaries?
Why is Tyler THIS hung up on doing things with you "first in a long time"? If you even feel like sharing this first train thing in a long time, can't y'all arrange a train day trip?
Have you talked to Tyler about his emotional management? He's just NOT going to get all these "firsts" or "first in a long time" with you. He has to find a way to regulate himself and manage his disappointment.
Why do you have to take Tyler's upset on board for yourself?
It sounds like Tyler is trying to make you responsible for his feelings rather than doing his emotional management himself.
How are you diminishing? You don't sound like you are being RUDE to him. You plan trips with both partners. You don't sound like you behave like a jerk to Tyler about it.

  • STOP telling Tyler about your trips with Kevin or for work. No details. Just not available on x days.
  • Tell him about your trips naturally. And if he cranks himself up over it? You say "I see you are upset" and do nothing else if he fusses at you. It's not your job to solve his feelings for him.
  • Set a boundary. "Tyler, I don't like when whoosh your upsets at me like that. You need to find a way to manage your disappoint in a healthier way. If you whoosh about me like that again? I'm going home." And you just go home and don't deal in that. For the day, the week, or permanently. That right. If he keeps on this way and it's a drag, you can dump him.
Why would you shrink/cancel your life because someone else can't cope with the fact you have one? If Tyler can't get it together, won't see a counselor about whatever his issues area, cancel Tyler rather than your trips. There's other people in the world to poly date.
Thank you for the overview. I think you are right about me taking on his emotional baggage. I think that's kinda who I am as a person (probably trauma related) that I will work with my therapist on. I shouldn't take so much of his emotional baggage. I have enough of my own.

I'm rather indifferent to my "firsts" on a plane and train, because they aren't really firsts, and it's annoying when he references them like they are. I have a busy work schedule right now because of audit season, so open days to make room for a flight just to appease Tyler probably isn't happening.

Probably I will end up doing a joint therapy session with him to try and get an idea of why this is such a specific and hard hang-up for him. And you're right, if things don't work out here I can move on to the next adventure.
 
I think you are right about me taking on his emotional baggage. I think that's kinda who I am as a person (probably trauma related) that I will work with my therapist on. I shouldn't take so much of his emotional baggage, I have enough of my own.

Do talk to your therapist. You are allowed to set whatever personal boundaries you want around your time, your energy, your emotions, your body, your belongings, etc. It's ok to be kind to people. It's ok express sympathy or empathy. But you don't just jump in to solve Tyler's feelings FOR him. He has to figure out what is causing the feelings to bubble up and what to do about them, not you. You have your own feelings to manage.

Probably will end up doing a joint therapy session with him to try and get an idea of why this is such a specific and hard hang up for him.

I will point out that you actually don't HAVE to do any couples counseling if you don't feel like it. Why do YOU have to know why this is a hang-up for him? HE has to figure that out with his counselor. Like, "C'mon Tyler! Take some personal responsibility for your own self!" Is Tyler allergic to taking personal responsibility for his own self and his own feelings?

He does have a therapist, but I'm unsure if he has brought it up with them because I think he believes i am the one being unreasonable here

I could be wrong. But I wonder if he doesn't tell the therapist about it because he does not want to hear the therapist tell him that he is overstepping and it is over the line wanting to do all these "firsts" with you like this. Like it is all about Tyler and he steamrolls right over your consent to do things or not.

He definitely has abandonment issues.

So why is he offering himself as healthy dating partner to you when he actually isn't healthy yet, and cannot offer people a healthy relationship yet? He could be doing his personal work FIRST before trying to date people.

He was adopted and his ex wife kinda treated him like an annoying roommate who just got in her way.

I could see why she started treating him like that, if he was trying to make his ex-wife responsible for him and all his feelings, like he wanted her to "carry" him, and she got tired of it. And now he wants YOU to "carry" him.

I can understand his feelings and I don't want to dismiss them since he has trauma behind all of this but it's really killing me.

I can understand his feelings too. People can't help experiencing whatever trauma that happened, but it is NOT an excuse to behave poorly towards others. It might be a reason for needing reasonable accommodations. Maybe you and he work something out, like if you are away on a work trip or Kevin trip, you at least call or text Tyler to say you got there safe, IF you feel like doing that. You do not have to.

I have a friend who lived through all the Ireland "troubles" and bombs. I'd never ask her to come watch fireworks. She jumps even now if someone accidentally drops a book on the floor. But she doesn't ask ME to never go see them. We just do other things together. I go see fireworks on my own or with other people who like them. She deals with her trauma stuff herself by avoiding triggering situations. I respect her things and don't ask her to do more than she cares to do.

Does Tyler ask you to do more than you care to do? You can DECLINE. If he wants you to "carry" him and solve all his things FOR him, please don't do that. Don't shrink/cancel your life just to so Tyler doesn't have to feel things or learn to deal with his feelings appropriately. Cancel Tyler instead.

Galagirl
 
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Hello SierraValley356,

It sounds like Tyler is the main problem here. Kevin has issues, but he owns them, he handles them himself, he doesn't dump them on you like Tyler does. You need to sit Tyler down, and explain to him why his reactions are unfair to you, just like you have explained it in this thread. He already gets the majority of traveling with you, he should learn to appreciate that.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
 
I see a lot of posts here where both/all people in the situation have legitimate points of view. This isn't one of them. Tyler's hang-up around "firsts" for plane rides and train rides is ridiculous.

Unless you're flying the plane, riding in a commercial airline has nothing to do with aviation and isn't even a "fun" experience to share with someone. The airport hassle and the airplane ride are the most annoying parts of any trip.

You're an adult. You've been on a plane before. If you and Tyler were monogamous, I think you'd have a clearer idea of how ridiculous it sounds that Tyler is upset you're traveling on a work trip "first" without him.

For the poly issue, Tyler is going to have to accept that in polyamory, a partner might be sharing a meaningful "first" with another partner first.

Adults in general have to accept that other people, both poly and mono, may do other things "first" with friends, family, on their own, etc.

Your relationships with Kevin and Tyler sound pretty fair and well balanced.

If Tyler brings up that he is upset, just tell him, "That's a bummer, but you and I have that trip to X coming up, so let's just focus on that."
 
I could be wrong, but does Tyler have a mono-normative view on dating? He comes off as the "couples privilege" type, with all his "first" things, but without the actual Holy Dyad dynamic.

Or is he trying to compensate, because you're "out" and engaged with Kevin, so he's trying to "outdo" him by wanting to be first with all the trips, as he's in the closet with you (if this was supposed to be poly-related)?
 
It sounds like Tyler is struggling with feelings of exclusivity and control over "firsts" in your relationship. While it's understandable that he wants to share significant experiences with you, his reaction seems to place emotional weight on something that isn't always within your control.

Possible Issues:

Scarcity Mindset – He may feel like he's "losing" experiences with you rather than appreciating the ones you do have together.

Comparison & Insecurity – He might be measuring his relationship against yours with Kevin, which can create unnecessary tension.

Control Over Memories – His focus on "firsts" suggests he might see them as bonding milestones, making it hard for him to accept that some will happen with others.


Advice:

1. Set Clear Boundaries – It's okay for him to express feelings, but if it leads to guilt-tripping, it needs to stop.


2. Reframe His Perspective – Help him see that memorable experiences aren't just about "firsts" but about quality time together.


3. Encourage Gratitude for What You Share – Acknowledge that he wants meaningful moments, but also remind him you both already have plenty.


4. Prioritize Self-Care – If this dynamic is draining you, it's worth having a direct conversation about how his reactions impact you.

At the end of the day, you're not responsible for managing his emotions—he needs to work through his feelings without making you feel bad for living your life.
 
To fill in a perspective: If you're letting HIS emotions ruin YOUR trip with guilt, that sounds like a little bit too much emotional enmeshment. Are you guilt-prone in general? That's your part in this dynamic. Consider detaching a bit, to realize clearly how HIS feelings are in no way a reflection on your behavior.

Further, consider that maybe he's not asking you to reschedule, feel guilty about letting him down, or any other bad feeling. He's asking you to listen. Sure, you may turn him down, but if you can, how about giving him some loving attention without changing anything much, except for finding a different first time (or second time) that could be joyful?

The trips with your other partner are still YOUR trips. He doesn't get to decide. As a last resort, if he's taking it badly, maybe he doesn't need to know any details, just your availability.
 
I could be wrong, but does Tyler have a mono-normative view on dating? He comes off as the "couples privilege" type, with all his "first" things, but without the actual Holy Dyad dynamic. Or is he trying to compensate, because you're "out" and engaged with Kevin, so he's trying to "outdo" him by wanting to be first with all the trips, as he's in the closet with you (if this was supposed to be poly-related)?
I’ll second this. He's trying to manufacture “special“ to counterbalance being in second place, not engaged to you.
 
A few questions, Sierra.

How long have you and Kevin been open or poly? How long have you been dating Tyler? Do Kevin and Tyler have other partners?

Were you engaged prior to dating Tyler, or did the engagement come after you met?

Have you had other ENM/open relationships prior to this one?

I think, from a communication standpoint, words of sadness and disappointment are being exchanged. But what Tyler is really communicating is inequality in the situation. The distance, the nesting aspect, travel, being the dirty little secret in the shadows. I would imagine that a guy with romantic tendencies might want to show off, shout to the world that this is his gf. And that’s not possible here. Maybe he needs to look elsewhere to fulfill those things, accepting that what you can deliver is limited.
 
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