Had a date with someone I think is amazing and poly

[Aztech]

Hiya I thought I was ok about this.

So a little information. I had a date with someone who I think is amazing and it's very early days. I'm monogamous and she told be about her being polyamorous, she was going to wait until the day of our date but thought it was best to tell me before. She told me to read up on it and so I did and I found this forum which I joined in the hopes of getting advice which I did and it helped.

So I went on this date with so much in my head, the date was yesterday. I messed it up due to just not wanting to talk about the elephant in the room and I just kept rambling on about me (that's not what I had planned). I was nervous too, anyway she opened up and reassured me and also told me they she liked me and would like to see me again which made me feel over the moon due to knowing how bad the date had gone.

She also told me that I would be the primary, I'm still new to this so I'm guessing the main guy which she did explain. Again I had so much going on in my head and so many questions but I didn't want the focus of this date to be about polyamory.

So I'm worried and I thought I was over this but again this is very early days but if the relationship moves further after the 2nd, 3rd or 4th date etc... I'm worried about being inadequate about not being enough for her, I'm worried that I could become jelous and most of all I'm worrying about something I shouldn't but it's there and I don't know why. It's stupid really but what if I don't satisfy her, I'm a passionate and romantic guy and I enjoy how do I put it full filling my partners needs. However, after talking about how things may be I know there is a need of hers I can't fill (I won't get into too much personal stuff).

I think she's great and I want to see where this goes, will these feelings leave me.

Thank you
Aztech

 

[anamikanon]

Whoa. Becoming someone's primary on first date where you don't even talk much of polyamory sounds like being engaged for an arranged marriage after meeting the groom once (as often happens here in India). The NRE sounds through the roof amazing and not at all like she's thinking you'd be inadequate. Do remember that it is okay to be yourself and have your own comfort zone. Reading up on polyamory is to find out what she means about herself, not a template you must don. A ramble through these forums will tell you there are as many shades of poly as members here, and she will hopefully clarify what she expects and you will likely have your own views and preferences. Talk things through. Be honest about how you feel. Have fun

 

[Aztech]

That's the plan or at least I hope so, I want to have fun and just get to know her for who she is. I'm not going to lie I had never heard of polyamory until I got talking to her well she didn't tell me until a couple of days before our date and boom I had a brain explosion. I wasn't sure how to express things on here lol I tried my best and as I've said I don't want the focus of our dates to be on the polyamory side of things.

I'm a little awkward when it comes to dating anyway, I have only really started to get to know myself. I won't go into all the boring things that prevented me from dating or held me back from it but I've only really started dating in the last two years.

It's hard to explain without getting too deep and personal. All I want at the end of the day is to go on dates with her and get to know her and I am glad that's she being open and honest with me about it. I do wish I had asked her more questions but I didn't want to pry, and solely concentrate on one thing during the date or our messages there after.

I will talk to her on our next date about my worries, and I should have asked the question that I had in my head when they came up. I keep telling myself to just go with the flow and that's what I want to do but late at night when my mind isn't focused on things I need to do at work or college, that's when my brain overthinks. She knows I suffer with anxiety, I don't hide that fact. I didn't mean for my message to sound as it might have, like an arranged marriage lol I tried writing it so many times and didn't post it.

I'm just overthinking everything at the moment and I wish I didn't but that's another story. I can only be me as she can only be her and through open and honest communication I believe this could work as does any relationship. Again this could be read so many ways but I mean well and I'm just generally asking for advice as I'm new to this and yes I can talk to her, which I plan to do.

Thank you
Aztech

 

[GalaGirl]

Do YOU want to be in an open model relationship? If so, which kind?

Just because she's the one who identifies as poly right now, doesn't mean she's calls all the shots and you just "go along" with whatever she says.

It's ok to be new and overwhelmed. To reduce that, you could educate yourself. Here are some "hub" pages that lead to lots of links.

• http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles
• http://practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html
• http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/
• https://www.morethantwo.com

I suggest you start out with pitfalls:

http://practicalpolyamory.com/images/A._Wagner_-_Avoid_the_Pitfalls_of_Polyamory.pdf

Lack of education is pitfall #1.

I also suggest you stop taking things personally.

I'm worried about being inadequate about not being enough for her

Why would having some dates and finding out that you are not compatible after all be horrible? You seem to take it personally like you are less valuable or flawed as a person or something. Rather than situationally. Like two people who liked each other enough for a few dates, but don't have anything in common for more.

I know I would have NOTHING in common with a big sports fan person. I don't dig sports. Does that make me not "sporty" enough for them? Probably. Because if they are seeking a sports fan companion and lots of dates revolving around sports -- I am not it. I'd be bored to tears at sporting events. Do I take it like I'm not valuable as a person or flawed or something? Nope. I'm just not keen on sports. No hard feelings. We are just not compatible in this dating situation.

If you prefer your romances to be 1:1 so the network is just those 2 people? And she prefers her romances to be primary-secondary model with 2+ people in her network? Not a match. Doesn't mean etiher is a bad person or "not enough" or not valuable people. Just that you prefer different ways of relating. Why get angsty about that?

Some people like sports. Some don't. Some like ice cream, some want cake, some hate sweets. People come in all ways on the sports front and the dessert front.

They are going to come in all ways on the "how I like to relate in my romances" front too. Be ok with this.

I'm worried that I could become jelous

What is it about feeling jealousy that makes it different than feeling any other feeling?

To me? Some feelings are fun to feel. Some feelings are not fun to feel. Whether sunny days or stormy skies -- a person still does their emotional management. Eventually the feelings pass. New feelings come along later.

If a situation brings you CHRONIC distress, you could remove yourself from the situation so it stops dinging you so you can feel better.

Are you not able to do this?

most of all I'm worrying about something I shouldn't but it's there and I don't know why.

I think it's ok to worry about compatibility. In fact, I think it SHOULD be a concern. Why would anyone want to keep on dating someone they are incomapatible with?

I have only really started to get to know myself

Take the time to get to know yourself and what you like and what you want to offer/can offer a dating partner. Hard to explain to your date what you are all about and can offer them if you don't even know yourself.

Do some learning and some thinking. Figure out what dating models appeal to you or not.

If you prefer your romances to be 1:1 so the dating network is just those 2 people? And you aren't all that into models 1:1:1 or more? Nothing wrong with wanting that. Stick to dating people who want the same thing. "Shop at the right store." Not shopping at the right place? That's pitfall #4.

If you are interested in trying open models but you do NOT like the model she offers (primary-secondary)? Not a match. Don't date her. Just because 2 people are non-homogamous or interested in non-monogamy doesn't mean they automatically want to practice compatible open models. Again shop at the right store.

If you are interested in trying open models and you like the model she offers (primary-secondary), inform her you are new but willing to try it on. But be ok walking away if after trying it on for a while you don't like it.

If you already know it's just not something you want, don't try it. I don't need to try getting a tattoo to find out I'm not interested in it. I already know I'm not into that. Great for other people, but not my thing.

If you are thinking about going against your own grain just to gain access to dating her... that's not ok to do. You are the one who looks out for your well being. Why would you go against your own grain and harm yourself?

I think what you are feeling is normal, but don't rush into anything. Spend some time thinking about what you DO want from your dating life and what you DO NOT want. Get to know yourself well first, then date people who hopefully want things similar to what you want.

If that means you decide to give it a whirl with her -- great! But talk along the way and figure out an anxiety management plan as you explore. Growth happens at the edges of the comfort zone. You deliberately go BEYOND what was previously the comfort zone line.

But feeling "comfortable uncomfortable" stepping out bit more than before is one thing and taking on way more than you can do at this time in a giant flying killer leap is another.

Make it easier on you, not harder. YKWIM?

Galagirl

 

[Aztech]

Thank you, I have been giving it a lot of thought. We have things in common, and we seem compatable as two people. I am just feeling overwhelmed, at the moment.

When I think about her most of the time I only think about dating her and the things we can do together i.e watch movies together, play games together, laugh together, watch musicals together and whatever else we get up to. I want to see where it takes me and as she said on the date, she wants me to know about it but it's something that also might not happen for some time.

I'm the first person she's been on a date with for awhile because she's avoided dating because of being polyamorous, when we talked about it on the date I was reassured and I understood her needs, I also told her mine. It doesn't stop me worrying about things, and I am taking time to think and evaluate if it's something I can do. In part I believe so, but a part of me doubts myself (that's something I need to work on).

I guess I'm just thinking about it too much, and mostly at night when my brain hasn't got anything occuping it. I will read those links thank you, and I know I have some soul searching to do. If this is going to work, and I hope it does because enjoy her company and the witty banter we have together, the I need to overcome this feeling of being overwhelmed and in time I believe I will. I should have talked about it more with her on the date but I can on the second date.

I am open to trying, if things progress more than a second date. I am going to seek counselling for other issues, issues I've ignored. I want to be the best me that I can, and I have to face my demons.

Thank you for replying, I do want to see where things my lead and I'll share my fears and worries with her next time. She understands that I can as overwhelmed she did say to me that it's a lot to take in. She wanted to be open from the start and I appreciate that and I'm glad she has been, at least this way if things move forward I know what I'm getting into.

I know I need to get out of my head and stop overthinking everything, it's been one date with a second date to come. I need to relax and go with the flow and just let things happen naturally.

Thank you again, I'm glad there are people who want to help and support each other.

 

[Ravenscroft]

Correct me perhaps, but my impression of dating (per se) is, well, going out on a date with someone -- hanging out, taking each other to interesting places/events, meanwhile getting to better know an interesting (hopefully!) person.

You sorta lay out an undertow of weirdness, where the first eek date turns into Step One of A Relationship.

And it'd be offputting enough, but the hierarchy thing pops up AND you'd be Number One.

It's like going out to casually browse used cars for your kid & being pressured to buy a new 30-foot motorhome: thanks for the offer, but really not what I had in mind.

Seriously: put on the brakes. If she snits off because you're upsetting the timetable, then you're better off, believe me. If she takes it in stride, great.

Have fun. Get to know each other. Observe the lifestyle, & how she handles it, & maybe get a feeling for how you will feel when she's gone off for sex with others. Find out whether you believe you can "bulk up" to being primary material -- someday.

I recall a first date where the woman (quite strikingly beatiful) made clear she wanted to take me home for the night. She was nonplussed when I declined, & asked for a reason. "Because I have to doubt the sanity of any woman who'd sleep with me on the first date -- you could be dangerous." We were lovers for almost two years after that.

 

[Aztech]

Hiya I am weird lol I'm not very experienced when it comes to dating. This is true I need to slow down. I just get very excited when meeting new people, I don't know why I've just always gotten attached to people quickly it's just who I am. I am trying to slow down and just go with flow, and date by which I mean go on dates.

 

[anamikanon]

You have mentioned several times that you are awkward about dating. That sounds rather odd for someone who seems to be thinking that it is leading to a relationship. Nothing specific you say, but the overall tone sounds like you are interested, but not quite comfortable. Perhaps you could try meeting her doing something you enjoy and in an environment you are comfortable in? On your "turf" so to say, not awkward and fumbling around thinking you messed things, then being amazed she wants to meet again, then being "primary" of a poly relationship with someone you met once...

I am not really getting a sense of what you want or like so much as you are awed by the girl and anxious to please her and make things work. Not even so much as how you feel about being poly or dating someone who is poly and so on. She told you and here you are. But do you want to be here? Do you find it interesting? Or are you here simply because you like her and are willing to do whatever it takes to fit to her expectations? What questions do you have about the whole thing? Are you even sure that your understanding of poly formed from reading is what she means when she calls herself poly?

I'd be beyond awkward and more like freaked out if a lot of expectations hinged on an initial meeting.

 

[Aztech]

Hiya it was her who said I'd be primary, she is really only just exploring it all herself. She explained it to me and I'm somewhat comfortable with what she needs/wants, she wants a relationship and to settle down as I do. However, she wants/needs to date others or at least feel free to do so. She told me about her ex and how she wasn't happy because she couldn't be herself.

I'm finding it difficult to explain, I want to settle down and be with someone who'll not only be my lover but my best friend too (I'm hoping). I myself wouldn't be poly, I can't see more than one person. She had said I could but it's not me, however, it's who she is. My thoughts mainly are about my ability to handle it (I guess).

I don't mean to offend anyone with my lack of knowledge or understanding. I'm sorry if I have done. I have been reading more than two, and other threads on here.

 

[anamikanon]

Hiya it was her who said I'd be primary, she is really only just exploring it all herself. She explained it to me and I'm somewhat comfortable with what she needs/wants, she wants a relationship and to settle down as I do. However, she wants/needs to date others or at least feel free to do so. She told me about her ex and how she wasn't happy because she couldn't be herself.

Ok. I understand this to mean that she is being upfront that she will not be monogamous. Fair enough. And in the event that she did see anyone, you'd be primary.

In my view a first date is too early to say whether you will even have a relationship, let alone to say whether it will matter more to you than other relationships. However it does seem like you have had conversation about mutual expectations and initial interaction went well enough that she is indicating that she is considering you very seriously.

I'm finding it difficult to explain, I want to settle down and be with someone who'll not only be my lover but my best friend too (I'm hoping). I myself wouldn't be poly, I can't see more than one person. She had said I could but it's not me, however, it's who she is. My thoughts mainly are about my ability to handle it (I guess).

You are saying that you accept that she is poly and are interested in understanding it better though it doesn't appeal as an option for you. You are somewhat concerned about your ability to cope if she is with someone else. That makes sense now.

I guess it is something you will find out with time, conversations and experience. From what I see, ability to "handle it" varies all the time and much depends on state of relationship between the two of you, how you manage your concerns, how she manages the increased responsibilities to communicate and so on. I have seen that even when people are upset, it isn't an on/off switch so much as specific issues and behaviors that can be addressed to improve matters.

All relationships take work and poly definitely challenges as well as improves your ability to manage your relationships. I think here you will find a lot of wise support if you are able to articulate what is on your mind.

I don't mean to offend anyone with my lack of knowledge or understanding. I'm sorry if I have done. I have been reading more than two, and other threads on here.

I don't think you offended anyone. It is just that your narration of your situation sounded a little... surreal and hyperspeed. At least I was concerned that you were trying to achieve what you were "supposed to" at a super efficient speed as opposed to an actual narration of a relationship developing (which takes time to evolve).

 

[GalaGirl]

Thank you for more information.

You are not offending anyone. You could just lay it out there. Be more assertive rather than so timid. It's ok for you to take up the space you do in the world.

If this is going to work, and I hope it does because enjoy her company and the witty banter we have together, the I need to overcome this feeling of being overwhelmed and in time I believe I will

Another way to overcome feeling overwhelmed is to slow things down. It's only a second date coming up. You don't have to have everything figured out. Be ok spending time together as friends for a while. Sort out your health stuff first. Get more poly-educated.

I am going to seek counselling for other issues, issues I've ignored. I want to be the best me that I can, and I have to face my demons.

I'm glad to hear that. Maybe you want to work on being healthy as a first priority before getting into dating? Or dating in a way that's totally new to you? (poly-dating) So you are better able to handle the stresses that come with all that with less anxiety?

Poly-dating means more people, more schedules, more things to juggle. It is an intense way of relating. If you need something lower stress to not aggravate your high anxiety? You might want to go slow for now so you can see your counselor, educate yourself more on poly dating, and see if that's something you really want to get into.

Right now what's happened? You found a person you like, who has offered you a primary-secondary dating model. That's what they are seeking. Well... taking your time considering the offer. Don't just leap into it.

This part is the first sense of what YOU want that I got in your thread:

I want to settle down and be with someone who'll not only be my lover but my best friend too (I'm hoping). I myself wouldn't be poly, I can't see more than one person. She had said I could but it's not me, however, it's who she is. My thoughts mainly are about my ability to handle it (I guess).

Let's take it one chunk at a time.

• I want to settle down and be with someone who'll not only be my lover but my best friend too (I'm hoping).

That's fine to want. The tricky bit is to make sure you are with that friend and lover first before you choose to settle down with them.

Not just "settling" for anyone who comes along you are attracted to and latching on just to not be alone anymore.

Are you able to tell the difference?

I myself wouldn't be poly, I can't see more than one person. She had said I could but it's not me, however, it's who she is.

Mono-poly can work... if the non-poly person is monoamorous (wants to love 1 sweetie) AND is ok being in a poly network of 2+ people.

If the person is monoamorous and monogamous (wants to be in a 2 people only network), and they get themselves into a 2+ people network? They aren't going to be happy for long. They have gone against their own grain.

Are you monoamorous? Or monoamorous and monogamous?

My thoughts mainly are about my ability to handle it (I guess).

What is the "it" that you have to handle? Are you able to articulate what your specific concerns are?


Could assess your "willing and able."

Willingness -- are you willing to participate in a polyamorous network? Why? Is is because you enjoy being in them or think you would enjoy being in them? Or it is because you want to be with this woman so much that you are willing to get into models that don't really appeal to you?

Ability -- are you able to participate in a polyamorous network? Right now to me it sounds like "not easily."

You suffer from high anxiety that's been going unmanaged (?) and are currently seeking counseling. (Which is GOOD. You identified this area of self care has been neglected and you need to address it. )

I am concerned that right now it almost sounds like you are so smitten by your crush on this woman, that you want to do anything to date her... including mold yourself around her expectations so you become whatever she wants.

Rather than assess her against YOUR personal standard to see if she's really what you seek in a dating partner and if what she offers is something you want to be in dating-wise.

I'm glad you are seeking counseling. Maybe this is something you can talk to them about? The high anxiety, not knowing who you really are, not being certain what you want in dating, etc?

Galagirl

 

[WhatHappened]

I'd be uncomfortable with being declared primary on a first date...but much more with the idea that she is calling the shots from the start, informing me where she has decided I get put. Isn't a relationship supposed to be about two people making decisions?

 

[anamikanon]

Another thing:

I've said I don't want the focus of our dates to be on the polyamory side of things.

I can tell you upfront that if you expect to be happy with a polyamorous partner, expect a lot of conversations that negotiate the comfort zone for both of you. It isn't something that will go away if you don't talk about it. The less you talk, the more open things remain to assumptions that will invariably be incorrect and cause hurt.

 

[Aztech]

Thank you, I have had trouble just saying what I want. I've never been in this type of relationship before or attempted dating someone who is poly. In fact I'd never heard off it until she told me, I'm not really sure what the difference is in monogamous and monoamorous. I guess I've never really thought about it, well, until now.

I do just want to go on dates with her and just see where things go, she even asked if I had considered counselling. Just as she's been honest with me about things I have with her about me.

I'm not just picking her to settle with, settling down and everything is what I'd like to do eventually. I know I don't word things as if it's further down the road and rather like it's now.

I don't want to come across as me, me, me. She's knows a lot more about me than I've written on here and I do about her too. Let's just say we have both only just started exploring the real us. Although I think I'm a bit behind her for reasons she knows, I just don't want to get into a big essay.

It has taken me a while to write this I just don't know how to put things. I should start from the beginning I guess, we have been messaging for over a week now, and the date took place after it had been a week. She didn't tell me anything about being poly until two days before the date so I had a lot of things to process and think about. She understood that, she had after telling me about being poly that she'll understand if I didn't want to go on the date and she did tell me not to expect to much. I don't know why I'm struggling to write, I just can't get things down. I'm covering what I can and in trying, I just can't find the words or structure things right.

I'll stop trying I'm just digging myself further into holes.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Aztech,

I like the direction your thread here is going so far, let me just add my view that I think you're fine to continue dating this lady for the time being. Just keep it light for now, keep it in the "getting to know you" territory. You don't know yet whether you'll be with this lady for the long haul, you're just getting to know her and having fun, and that's okay. Continue to do that for awhile.

And don't be too shy about asking her questions about polyamory, especially about what polyamory means to her. No matter how much reading/research you do on your own -- and you should read and research, good choice on reading "More than Two" by the way -- you still don't know what notions she may have that may differ from what you've read. So ask her some questions sometimes, you don't have to flood her with questions, but ask her some now and then, it's part of getting to know her. Find out how poly works in her mind, and what her personal preferences are.

You seem to be handling things pretty well so far. Carry on.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[dingedheart]

So I went on this date with so much in my head, the date was yesterday. I messed it up due to just not wanting to talk about the elephant in the room and I just kept rambling on about me (that's not what I had planned). I was nervous too, anyway she opened up and reassured me and also told me they she liked me and would like to see me again which made me feel over the moon due to knowing how bad the date had gone.

She also told me that I would be the primary, I'm still new to this so I'm guessing the main guy which she did explain. Again I had so much going on in my head and so many questions but I didn't want the focus of this date to be about polyamory.

Hi and welcome to the forum.

Are you sure she's not dating anyone else or interviewing for other positions?

She assured you that you would be primary. TODAY . It's been my experience that emotion, intimacy, compatibility dictate the choice on primary not an interview/ date at a coffee shop. I'm not trying to add to your insecurity but this could be a very temporary spot preference always wins out.

Also you might want to find out what she thinks the " main " guys benefits and responsibilities. It might be better and more fun being the secondary....more creme less work...seriously I suggested this to my then wife.

So I'm worried and I thought I was over this but again this is very early days but if the relationship moves further after the 2nd, 3rd or 4th date etc... I'm worried about being inadequate about not being enough for her, I'm worried that I could become jelous and most of all I'm worrying about something I shouldn't but it's there and I don't know why. It's stupid really but what if I don't satisfy her, I'm a passionate and romantic guy and I enjoy how do I put it full filling my partners needs. However, after talking about how things may be I know there is a need of hers I can't fill (I won't get into too much personal stuff).

I think she's great and I want to see where this goes, will these feelings leave me.

Aztech

YOU ARENT going to be enough for her. She's telling you that up front. You won't be the most important person in her life ( if things get to that stage ((L word exchanged )) you'll be one of ( ). Best you can hope for the most important person in the room...or for the day ...or evening.

You worry you could become jealous. I God damn guarantee you're going to get jealous at one point or another. How often and how crushing is anyone's guess at this point.

Instead of worrying about how you might not satisfy her needs what about her being a cold repressed dead fish and her not satisfying you sexually. Sexual chemistry is fluid and hard to predict and you're going to be rated and you're going to rate her as well that even if no one wants to talk about that's just the way it is. The mantra is not better or worse just different. IMO that's only true if it's unremarkable. C sex.

 

[Aztech]

Thank you everyone

Thank you everyone for replying, I have to give this a lot of thought. No matter how much I like her, or how much I'll start to like her while I get to know her, I do need to think about myself and my needs.

Going on dates and getting to know her at this point is great and fine but I do know if things move forward and a relationship develops that's where I may struggle. I'm a romantic and passionate, loving, kind and caring person by nature and I can't change that, I give all my heart and love to the person I am with.

Loving someone is fine and I also understand that you can love more than one person. I myself love many people but in different ways, I'm not with them kind of love but I can't lose them kind of love. It's hard to explain but I do love my friends and family and I tell them that. So I do understand the ability to love more than one person but I personally can only give myself to one person, I don't like talking about certain subjects but I will. Sex is important to me and not because I like sex (I do to a certain degree) but I like pleasing my partner. I hope that makes sense.

The not feeling good enough, I'm hoping to talk out and get rid off and that stems from how I've been treated in previous relationships. I might add not in a certain area (bedroom) I not trying to be cocky but I do know that some areas I'm good in. But it does stem from being compared to an ex (a violet ex) I once had my ex say to me I thought you were going to hit me like him blah, blah. But never, I can't even harm a fly. The last two people I dated kept running away and then coming back but I mean leaving and not communicating too me for months and then coming back and then leaving again. I know none of that sounds good, especially if I'm thinking of getting in a mono/poly relationship but clear communication is what I need. I have been cheated on and that's a long story so I'll just say she had an abortion and I'm not sure whether the baby was mine or not. I also never agreed to the abortion as I wasn't even asked/told about it, I found out a few days after.

I hope you understand me a bit better, and most of that has been dealt with. The last thing is, I was sexually abused when I was a 11. I think that has a deep root somewhere. Please don't judge me, she already knows this things and has accepted me for who I am.

I like her as a person for who she is and for how brave she is (personal stuff she's told me) I feel like she's my kindred spirit and I do get attached too quickly. I'm trying to slow down and just let what happens happen. If my emotional needs are met I'm hoping I'll be fine in this mono/poly relationship, if communication is clear and good again I'm hoping I'll be fine. I do care about her wants and needs as I do mine.

I'll leave you with this, I have only the past year excepted that I might have a different sexuality than I thought. Due to research and reflection upon myself. The one that I have found that seems to fit is Demi-sexual, it makes the most sense.

I can only find out by doing if I can handle and as someone has already said or along these lines there's no harm in backing out if I can't handle it.

Thank you all for your time, please don't judge me or feel sorry for me. I just wanted to explain a few things about me.

P.s she has told be what she expects and wants, sorry if I haven't made that clear. I don't want to get into her personal stuff but I'll explain a little. She said she's looking for a relationship and to settle down, that's also when she said if while dating we go that way I'll be her primary. This is because she is into bdsm (I've never done it but I myself am open) and that's the only reason she may seek someone outside of a relationship and she wants to keep those things separate. I don't like talking about other people personal stuff when they are not around. I hope that explains a few things.

 

[anamikanon]

I have good news.

I'm a romantic and passionate, loving, kind and caring person by nature and I can't change that, I give all my heart and love to the person I am with.

This is not at all incompatible with polyamory in any way. It is a plus for any kind of relationship, mono, poly or solo

So I do understand the ability to love more than one person but I personally can only give myself to one person,

Shouldn't be an issue either. And the freedom to discover otherwise if it happens in the future can't hurt either.

I have been cheated on and that's a long story so I'll just say she had an abortion and I'm not sure whether the baby was mine or not. I also never agreed to the abortion as I wasn't even asked/told about it, I found out a few days after.

That sucks, but it is more an issue of the person in question being a sucky kind of person. It would suck for mono, poly or even a "one night got drunk slept with friend". The good news is that polyamory done right is the opposite of cheating. There is honesty and communication. Other side of the coin of course is that you don't have to worry whether she is with another guy, you KNOW she is You could also know who he is and perhaps like him and appreciate that he treasures someone you love and makes her happy and vice versa; and know that problems could be solved mutually with caring and a goal of harmony - as opposed to feeling betrayed, excluded and disrespected. This could be a plus or minus depending on whether you want sole rights on her or honesty and inclusion in her life at all times.

I hope you understand me a bit better, and most of that has been dealt with.

Glad you are sharing more openly. I understand you better.

The last thing is, I was sexually abused when I was a 11. I think that has a deep root somewhere. Please don't judge me

Anyone who'd judge someone for being abused as a kid is in the wrong. You need not care for their opinion. What you went through sucks. Hope you get back in the best possible way - by having a fantastic life exercising your freedoms and choices.

I'll leave you with this, I have only the past year excepted that I might have a different sexuality than I thought. Due to research and reflection upon myself. The one that I have found that seems to fit is Demi-sexual, it makes the most sense.

Thank you all for your time, please don't judge me or feel sorry for me. I just wanted to explain a few things about me.

Nice knowing more about you.

On completely stray note, I was helping a friend work through some issues she had once. She got really defensive at a point when I couldn't figure out why. I hadn't said anything in the least that wasn't neutral. I tried to calm her saying "I'm not judging you here, friend..." She burst out "but I WANT you to judge me!!! I want you to judge me and find me GOOD!!!"

It was over a decade ago, but among the most profound things I've heard. So true.

 

[Aztech]

I do find it hard to express myself, when people don't know everything. I'm an open person most of the time but they are a few things I keep to myself until I feel comfortable talking about it. I thought it would make things easier to open up more about myself.

Many of my worries have disappeared (mostly) thanks to talking it out on here and getting to know her still. I do need to ask more questions about it, and what she sees it as and I shouldn't fear asking (I'm too polite, and as mentioned timid).

I should just concentrate on getting to know her and going on dates.

Thank you everyone you have helped me so much.

 

[Aztech]

A quick update

Hi all, I just thought I'd post a quick update. I have a second date tomorrow, I'm excited (of course). I'm also going to start seeing a wellbeing counsellor to help with other issues in my life. I'd like to thank you all again and I'll stay on here so I can ask for advice if I ever need to. I'm feeling good, thank you.