Happily married and about to try many things for the first time

midnightnails

New member
My husband and I have been married for a decade. We have several children together and our relationship is a good 9/10
If we had less children it would probably be 10/10 haha
Our sex life is anything but boring and has remained highly active. We are very open. This is not an area in which we are lacking or trying to spice up. The only things we consider big no nos are: Bodily stuff (ew), underage, animals.. You know the big ones and adding a third person has always been a no.
I am demisexual though and my preference is not male nor female, not anything physical but more so intelligence and artistic ability. I however grew up in a super religious environment and so any interest in the same sex was quickly shut down by my peers.i was bullied by my own brothers and classmates for being a lesbian before I'd ever admitted to also liking girls.
I'm happily married and like men just fine and so I've accepted never having been down the road with a female. My husband is plenty sufficient. I will count myself lucky to have him by my side until we die. I have no regrets
But he's been pointing out how I still suppress my interest in females and he's been encouraging me to travel down this road. Originally he said he just liked the idea of watching (typical. ugh. At least he was honest haha) but after we discussed the fact that random sex is gross to me and it would have to be a relationship, he was still into the idea.
It was discussed in detail as much as we could think to talk about. He would have no other relationship and no part with this third person, but I would. They would of course preferably be friends but I don't like the idea of sharing and he says he doesn't want (or need) to be shared. Maybe after going down this road I'll open up to the idea but to me it's wild that he trusts me like this. I mean I trust myself, I have ample self control and honesty but I don't know if I could do this if the roles were reversed.
He says he sees what I missed and has no doubt of his place with me so he's not insecure.
Being demisexual I've literally had only one person I've allowed to even come close to becoming an interest since I met him and I shut it down (finding someone will take time haha) so he's never had an issue with trusting me.
We have discussed that he may never be able to watch what was taking place because it's not just me but a third person and he was notably saddened by the thought but still encouraging of the entire ordeal.
So I'm in my mid 30's with several crazy kids and a amazing husband and am about to, for the first time in my life, swing for the other team as well.
We are taking it ridiculously slow and have given each other the chance to say time out or stop at any time so... Wish us luck and any advice is always welcome.
 
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Evie

Active member
Super pleased for you that you are opening up your marriage for the chance to explore your attraction to women.

Out of curiosity, what does time out or stop look like once there's a woman in your life who has developed deep feelings for you, and quite possibly you for them? Would you put them on hold if hubby said so? How would she and you cope with that? What if hubby said stop? Would you dump your new relationship person, break her heart even, or could there be a better way for hubby to manage his potential reactions if he sees you getting close to someone and his thoughts and feelings about that startle him?

Or would you just look for people who would agree to this possible veto up front? Another married mother with the same agreement that you and your husband have and so she'd understand if hubby said stop. You'd understand if her hubby said it, right? Especially right after the first time you two had been naked in bed together, sharing sex to whatever level you wanted that very first time. But then, perhaps to never see or even speak with her again because her hubby said stop? Or yours? Would that be what you and her would agree to? Seems a little risky to me on the emotional front. Almost like here's a world of hurt that could happen because of one particular agreement. I'd resent my hubby quite a bit had he said stop right after I'd started my first new relationship.

P.s. obviously this writing style is a bit confrontational with its stacked questions, but the issues are ones we see time and again here with newbies, and some of us have lived through something similar ourselves. Spouses who were good in theory, but balked when reality barged in.
 
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midnightnails

New member
I appreciate your reply and get no negative undertones, I'm a straight forward person and appreciate when others are as well!
We have discussed these things. I was the one who offered the time out because I felt like I would want it if the roles were reversed.
And if I find someone who may be interested to join (how I'm going to do that I have no idea, I haven't dated in 15 years and never a woman...)I will be upfront from the beginning. My husbands feelings toward this mean everything to me. I don't expect he would have any trouble but if he does I want him to know I take his feelings very seriously.

But sex wouldn't be on the table until well after the emotional relationship began. Ideally beginning as friends but open to more if the interest arises. As I said, this may take some time haha. I move slow.

Knowing it would be a relationship though, we should discuss further the possible third person and their emotional take on this situation and I appreciate you drawing that to my attention. It's easy not to consider as much when they don't have a face but it's important to consider early on. I appreciate this!
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Greetings midnightnails,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like you have a really good marriage, and a wonderful husband who is totally supportive of your bisexual side. I wish you the best as you venture into this unexplored territory. You will learn and experience a lot. I encourage you to keep posting about your situation on this forum. So that we can give you updated advice. For now I would just say that the main thing is to keep the channels of communication very open with your husband ... and with the as-yet-unknown person with whom you get involved. There are many directions things can go, so that's why I encourage you to keep posting on the forum. Good luck!

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
My husband and I have been married for a decade. We have several children together... relationship good, 9/10. If we had less children it would probably be 10/10.

Our sex life is anything but boring... highly active. This is not an area in which we are lacking or trying to spice up... (but?) adding a third person has always been a no.

I am demisexual, and my preference is not male nor female, not anything physical, but more so intelligence and artistic ability. However, I grew up in a super religious environment... any interest in the same sex was quickly shut down by my peers. i was bullied by my own brothers and classmates for being a lesbian before I'd ever admitted to liking girls.

I'm happily married, and like men just fine, and so I've accepted never having been down the road with a female. My husband is plenty sufficient. I will count myself lucky to have him by my side until we die. I have no regrets
But he's been pointing out how I still suppress my interest in females, and he's been encouraging me to travel down this road.

Originally, he said he just liked the idea of watching (typical. ugh. At least he was honest haha) but after we discussed the fact that random sex is gross to me, and it would have to be a relationship, he was still into the idea.

Welcome. You asked for advice, so here goes.

It sounds like your husband (he needs a nickname, I'll say Tom, but you can pick something more interesting), Tom, is looking to "spice things up." You had no strong desire to form a romantic relationship and possibly have sex with another person (a woman). Along comes Tom, who knows you're bi, and encourages you to have sex with a woman, so he can watch. (!)

Typical, indeed. And even though you shut that idea down, he still has a prurient interest in this. 2 women together is very "hot" to the average hetero guy. The most common male fantasy is to have FMF sex. So even if Tom can't be in the sandwich, or watch 2 women get it on, I think he's still in it for the sexual fantasy. Will he want you to tell him details about what goes on, on your imagined dates? The romance, the first kisses, first base, second base, oral sex?
It was discussed in detail, as much as we could think to talk about. He would have no other relationship and no part with this third person, but I would.

These kinds of ideas can change. We see it all the time. Of course, I don't know Tom, but is he really content sexually? Was he religious too? Are you his first and only sex partner? He might get the idea to also get a gf once you start looking. You MUST be aware of this possibility and start to think about how that would feel.

Once you open a long term marriage/relationship, it will never be the same again. Even if you get your feet wet and then decide it's not for you, you will never go back to the old mono relationship.

This is a lot to take on in the midst of young parenthood. Are you in the US, with all the worries about schools and infections? Do you need more stress? Do you need the ups and downs of dating, the excitement, the worries, the arrangements? You can't bring a person home, there are kids everywhere. In this environment, we are all trying to be physically distant. Will you wait to meet new people until we have decent testing and a vaccine?

They would preferably be friends, but I don't like the idea of sharing, and he says he doesn't want (or need) to be shared. Maybe, after going down this road, I'll open up to the idea, but to me it's wild that he trusts me like this. I mean, I trust myself; I have ample self control and honesty, but I don't know if I could do this if the roles were reversed.

He says he sees what I missed and has no doubt of his place with me, so he's not insecure.

He might not feel so secure once you fall in love. There's this thing called new relationship energy, NRE. It's almost inevitable to feel it when you meet a new person you're highly attracted to. You get obsessed, you're on cloud 9, you idealize them, they idealize you. You want to be together all the time. You get super horny for them. Sometimes you lose desire for your spouse, but sometimes your desire for the other person spills over onto your anchor partner. You want to text or phone them all the time. You can't focus as well on your job, your kids, your home maintenance and other duties. All your former joys pale in comparison to the new person.

It's super compelling, and it feels wonderful for you and new person, but you can tend to neglect other family and friends, for months. It can suck for them, honestly. NRE lasts from 6 months to 18 months, on average, a year. Longer, if it's a long distance relationship, unfulfilling and full of fantasies and longing.

We have discussed that he may never be able to watch what was taking place, because it's not just me, but a third person. He was notably saddened by the thought, but still encouraging of the entire ordeal.

Yeah, this is very telling. He wants some live porn. You consider it all an ordeal!

I [have] several crazy kids... and am about to swing for the other team.

Many poly people do not attempt to date anyone new when they are knee deep, or neck deep, in needy kids with needs. It's too much. There are resources available about trying to do poly with kids in the mix. It's complicated.

If you are close still with your religious family, and the kids know Mommy has a gf... they can spill the beans. Is there a chance your family would cause trouble, if they find out? Sometimes highly "moral" families will try to get your kids taken away and get custody of them, themselves.


We are taking it ridiculously slow and have given each other the chance to say time out or stop at any time... Wish us luck.

I was the one who offered the time out, because I felt like I would want it if the roles were reversed. If I find someone who may be interested to join, I will be upfront from the beginning.

Waiting a year or more, doing your research, maybe having counseling, is highly recommended for formerly mono couples. It seems especially important because of your religious background (and maybe Tom's). You might feel like you're cheating on him, even if you do have his consent.

Watch out for "couple privilege." Your gf wouldn't be "joining" your relationship with Tom. She'd be dating you. She's not dating a couple. Even if she was dating both of you (as Tom may secretly wish), it would be 3 dyads, you and her, her and Tom, you and Tom. Triads are really complicated.

Her needs and desires are just as important as your needs and horny Tom's needs. She's not a sex toy/plaything, a girl of his fantasies, the hot bi babe (HBB). She's a human being.

My husband's feelings toward this mean everything to me. I don't expect he would have any trouble, but if he does, I want him to know I take his feelings very seriously.

This is couple's privilege. Newly poly couples often say these kinds of things. They try to establish all kinds of rules to "protect" their relationship. Tom's needs and desires seem paramount here. You think it's an ordeal. You're involved in motherhood. Tom is acting altruistic, kinda, but he is sad he can't watch. So keep that in mind. He's hot for the idea. It's his turn on.

Sex wouldn't be on the table until well after the emotional relationship began, ideally beginning as friends, but open to more. This may take some time; I move slow.

Knowing it would be a relationship though, we should discuss the third person, and their emotional take on this situation.

"We should discuss" the potential woman. Yes, you should. If she's gay, she's not going to like the idea that Tom wants to watch her have sex with his wife. If she's bi, Tom might push for threeway sex, sooner or later.

This woman doesn't need to meet Tom. But if she's open to meeting him (and your kids), what if she falls for him? What if he falls for her? What if she falls for him and loses interest in YOU?

It's an ordeal, all right. I'm glad you came here and laid this out. I don't want to be a Debby Downer, but I have experience with this. I tried to open my marriage back in 1999, and it was kind of a disaster. (We're divorced now.) I was the bi partner, and we found a woman, but my ex h fell for her and vice versa, and she turned out to not be bi at all. She misled us because she liked him. They had crazy NRE. We had 3 kids. My world was destroyed (for a while; I got better).
 

midnightnails

New member
Thank you to both of you who replied. I want to take a minute to write individually but my phone is acting funks. I’ve absolutely taken everything into consideration and brought many of these things up with my husband last night. We will continue to discuss this as much as it comes up.

These are valid points and I don’t mind “constructive criticism” one bit. I’m here because I know there are risks and I’d like to keep my marriage in tact haha

Tom can work for a name, sure.
In my original post I may have gone overboard in expressing my commitment and “happy” marriage. I did this in an attempt to get the point across that this really isn’t a “spice things up” situation.
Like many middle aged men, I know he has certain fantasies and would be thrilled to act on them. But there is a lot more to it than I’ve gone into here. I’m going to start one of these blog things to follow along. But we did talk about it and I told him we are looking at a few years down the road. We just moved and I’ll need time to make friends and just get comfortable here
And we need time to really decide and discuss if this is something we are willing to do.
I’m going to start a post in the next few days and just keep a journal almost of it! I’ll see y’all over there soon and I’ll try to be more detailed 😊

Welcome. You asked for advice, so here goes.

It sounds like your husband (he needs a nickname, I'll say Tom, but you can pick something more interesting), Tom, is looking to "spice things up." You had no strong desire to form a romantic relationship and possibly have sex with another person (a woman). Along comes Tom, who knows you're bi, and encourages you to have sex with a woman, so he can watch. (!)

Typical, indeed. And even though you shut that idea down, he still has a prurient interest in this. 2 women together is very "hot" to the average hetero guy. The most common male fantasy is to have FMF sex. So even if Tom can't be in the sandwich, or watch 2 women get it on, I think he's still in it for the sexual fantasy. Will he want you to tell him details about what goes on, on your imagined dates? The romance, the first kisses, first base, second base, oral sex?


These kinds of ideas can change. We see it all the time. Of course, I don't know Tom, but is he really content sexually? Was he religious too? Are you his first and only sex partner? He might get the idea to also get a gf once you start looking. You MUST be aware of this possibility and start to think about how that would feel.

Once you open a long term marriage/relationship, it will never be the same again. Even if you get your feet wet and then decide it's not for you, you will never go back to the old mono relationship.

This is a lot to take on in the midst of young parenthood. Are you in the US, with all the worries about schools and infections? Do you need more stress? Do you need the ups and downs of dating, the excitement, the worries, the arrangements? You can't bring a person home, there are kids everywhere. In this environment, we are all trying to be physically distant. Will you wait to meet new people until we have decent testing and a vaccine?



He might not feel so secure once you fall in love. There's this thing called new relationship energy, NRE. It's almost inevitable to feel it when you meet a new person you're highly attracted to. You get obsessed, you're on cloud 9, you idealize them, they idealize you. You want to be together all the time. You get super horny for them. Sometimes you lose desire for your spouse, but sometimes your desire for the other person spills over onto your anchor partner. You want to text or phone them all the time. You can't focus as well on your job, your kids, your home maintenance and other duties. All your former joys pale in comparison to the new person.

It's super compelling, and it feels wonderful for you and new person, but you can tend to neglect other family and friends, for months. It can suck for them, honestly. NRE lasts from 6 months to 18 months, on average, a year. Longer, if it's a long distance relationship, unfulfilling and full of fantasies and longing.



Yeah, this is very telling. He wants some live porn. You consider it all an ordeal!



Many poly people do not attempt to date anyone new when they are knee deep, or neck deep, in needy kids with needs. It's too much. There are resources available about trying to do poly with kids in the mix. It's complicated.

If you are close still with your religious family, and the kids know Mommy has a gf... they can spill the beans. Is there a chance your family would cause trouble, if they find out? Sometimes highly "moral" families will try to get your kids taken away and get custody of them, themselves.




Waiting a year or more, doing your research, maybe having counseling, is highly recommended for formerly mono couples. It seems especially important because of your religious background (and maybe Tom's). You might feel like you're cheating on him, even if you do have his consent.

Watch out for "couple privilege." Your gf wouldn't be "joining" your relationship with Tom. She'd be dating you. She's not dating a couple. Even if she was dating both of you (as Tom may secretly wish), it would be 3 dyads, you and her, her and Tom, you and Tom. Triads are really complicated.

Her needs and desires are just as important as your needs and horny Tom's needs. She's not a sex toy/plaything, a girl of his fantasies, the hot bi babe (HBB). She's a human being.



This is couple's privilege. Newly poly couples often say these kinds of things. They try to establish all kinds of rules to "protect" their relationship. Tom's needs and desires seem paramount here. You think it's an ordeal. You're involved in motherhood. Tom is acting altruistic, kinda, but he is sad he can't watch. So keep that in mind. He's hot for the idea. It's his turn on.



"We should discuss" the potential woman. Yes, you should. If she's gay, she's not going to like the idea that Tom wants to watch her have sex with his wife. If she's bi, Tom might push for threeway sex, sooner or later.

This woman doesn't need to meet Tom. But if she's open to meeting him (and your kids), what if she falls for him? What if he falls for her? What if she falls for him and loses interest in YOU?

It's an ordeal, all right. I'm glad you came here and laid this out. I don't want to be a Debby Downer, but I have experience with this. I tried to open my marriage back in 1999, and it was kind of a disaster. (We're divorced now.) I was the bi partner, and we found a woman, but my ex h fell for her and vice versa, and she turned out to not be bi at all. She misled us because she liked him. They had crazy NRE. We had 3 kids. My world was destroyed (for a while; I got better).
 

fuchka

Member
The word "ordeal" stuck out for me, too.

If you're happy in your marriage and sex life with your husband, it could be wiser to turn down his suggestion. It sounds like you're feeling pretty "take it or leave it", even though it's good to feel like he would support you in this.

I don't hear much direct drive from you on this.

My first sexual experience with a woman was after 3 years of dating a guy. We were getting serious and I felt I had never explored my attraction to women (which I had more than attraction to men). He and I took a break (he wasn't into an open relationship) and I started looking for hookups. I didn't want an emotional relationship, just sex.

Well, the experience was life changing for me. I am much happier for it, but my otherwise great relationship with now ex boyfriend did not last. Our sex life was good, too.

I would never have been able to predict how I would feel. I don't think you would be able to either.

Transitioning your mono marriage to poly will definitely be a lot of work, and you could get some curve balls. Is it worth the risk, to you personally?

If so, as the saying goes, "take it easy but take it"!

I wish you well :)
 
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