Happy pride month...?

[abnormal]

I am new to knowing I'm poly (though I've been practicing it for almost 20 years) and have been getting a lot of conflicting information about whether or not I'm included in the LGBTQ community.

The general consensus on reddit seems to be that we aren't part of the LGBTQ community (and they get downright mean if you say or believe otherwise). However my therapist, friends (those that I have told), and daughter say that poly people are. I also get told that I get to decide whether or not I am (which is very unhelpful).

Do you consider being being poly to be part of the LGBTQ+? Should we celebrate Pride Month as if we are? How would one go about that?

Please be kind with your answer; asking this took a lot of courage, because I was hurt so badly by my reddit encounters.

 

[SquishyHusk]

Since my wife and her girlfriend would be considered LGBTQ and also poly, the two are connected in my mind - but if we were only having hetero poly relationships, would it still be part of 'pride"? If Pride Month is to celebrate alternative lifestyles, than I would think that includes poly. Isn't it about how you identify and who you are attracted to - well, doesn't being attracted to multiple people count? I don't know if I'm making sense, but shouldn't Pride be about inclusivity? So I'd say it shouldn't exclude anyone.

 

[abnormal]

If Pride Month is to celebrate alternative lifestyles, than I would think that includes poly. Isn't it about how you identify and who you are attracted to - well, doesn't being attracted to multiple people count? I don't know if I'm making sense, but shouldn't Pride be about inclusivity? So I'd say it shouldn't exclude anyone.

First of all, thank you for your kind answer. You have no idea how nervous I was to post this after my reddit experiences.


Secondly, you make sense. I haven't heard it put that way, but you make a good argument. It seems like a strong pro-pride argument.

How do you celebrate?

 

[Albert Ross]

but shouldn't Pride be about inclusivity? So I'd say it shouldn't exclude anyone.

An admirable notion. But I would argue Pride isn't "about exclusivity" in a general, context-free way; Pride exists to acknowledge, support, and celebrate the experience and ongoing struggle of marginalized groups.

Are people who choose polyamorous relationships marginalized? ...I don't know. Maybe.

Your mileage may vary, but I'm a straight, white, cisgendered male. Aside from my participation in kink and polyamory—both of which are unconventional and not necessarily well-treated by the larger society—I have the essentially maximum social privilege possible. My experience of having unconventional relationship structures simply doesn't expose me to the same degree of marginalization as someone who is, for example, gay, or trans—or female, or Black, for that matter.

I wouldn't feel comfortable trying to be anything other than an outside ally in LGBTQ+ spaces, like Pride.

 

[Brazen]

Mixed heritage bi woman here in a ENM relationship. I guess poly technically isn't in LGBTQ but does it matter? Pride and Black history month (UK) are a point of marking and celebrating. In my view acknowledging people's struggles and marvellousness every day is far more important. Pride month is amazing, it doesn't matter to me if you are cis, poly, lgbtq etc. Being aligned is important xx

 

[kdt26417]

Hi abnorm,

Technically, I guess it's possible to be polyamorous and both heterosexual and cisgender. Polyamory is not included in the LGBTQIA+ initialism, unless you count the "+" part. LGBTQIA+ has to do with gender and sexuality, while polyamory has more to do with romantic love, so I am inclined to think that polyamory is not included in LGBTQIA+. But it's kind of a fuzzy gray area, I could easily be wrong. But for me the important thing is that one is supportive of LGBTQIA+, one does not have to *be* LGBTQIA+ in order to support it. In any case the people on Reddit shouldn't be acting rude toward you about it, you just want to be included and that is understandable.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.

 

[Evie]

I'd say polyamory falls under the "plus" part, because we do still have a long way to go for equal rights regarding marriage and the associated benefits (looking very much at you, America). There's also the social stigma that mean many people don't want to admit to polyamory, especially when a couple have transitioned from monogamy to polyamory but aren't out to all family. Partners beyond the "original couple" are not given the same social status because it's still far more acceptable to be serially monogamous than it is to be polyamorous.

As such, I believe we do have a place in Pride, working towards public education and legal changes that will make it more and more possible for group property ownership, social security, group tax and medical benefits (again, you America, because here in NZ my and my husband's taxes aren't dependent upon one another, and our health insurance is completely separate), and number of parents on child birth certificates, including adoption rights. I know some countries are doing this better than others (mine included) but there is still a very long way to go before polycules can have equal rights to nuclear families.

 

[Magdlyn]

I've been to multiple pride parades and celebrations in Massachusetts and I've seen groups of poly people represented as they marched, carrying Poly Pride signs. So it's common to think of poly folks as part of pride. I would guess it's because there are lots of actual queers in the poly movement.

My best advice is to stop going to reddit. It's a mean place, full of trolls. We are nice here.

 

[abnormal]

My best advice is to stop going to reddit. It's a mean place, full of trolls. We are nice here.

I learned the lesson about reddit really quick. I still bear a scar from it.

 

[Ariakas]

I am one that fundamentally doesn't believe Poly is part of pride. Its a relationship construct. Poly people can be LGBTQ, and LGBTQ can be poly. But not everyone is both.

I might come to this from a different angle but there are parts of the LGBTQ community who dislike folks like me. Straight white males are not overly fond or safe in all LGBTQ places (dare I say excluded).

Same with kink, Kink isn't inherently LGBTQ, but there is overlap. and again there was a time in the vancouver scene where the largest kink community was trying to oust all straight white males who wouldn't call themselves queer.

I would imagine there is push back internally as well. Folks who are queer and need the community, suddenly having an influx of non queer people being inside the tape.

Its a no for me. Ally, yes.. supporter, yes. Queer, no.

And I am another one who would say, avoid reddit. Its a cesspool.

 

[dorcia]

I am one that fundamentally doesn't believe Poly is part of pride. Its a relationship construct. Poly people can be LGBTQ, and LGBTQ can be poly. But not everyone is both.

I might come to this from a different angle but there are parts of the LGBTQ community who dislike folks like me. Straight white males are not overly fond or safe in all LGBTQ places (dare I say excluded).

Same with kink, Kink isn't inherently LGBTQ, but there is overlap. and again there was a time in the vancouver scene where the largest kink community was trying to oust all straight white males who wouldn't call themselves queer.

I would imagine there is push back internally as well. Folks who are queer and need the community, suddenly having an influx of non queer people being inside the tape.

Its a no for me. Ally, yes.. supporter, yes. Queer, no.

And I am another one who would say, avoid reddit. Its a cesspool.

echoing this sentiment.

I mean this in the kindest way possible, but I've been out as a gay since 2007 in the bible belt; I think it is, at best, wilfully ignorant to assume that being poly is the same as my experience and that our struggles are at all similar. For context, I'm 31 years old. I've been out to close to 20 years--a majority of my life. Being out back then was a really, really hard, difficult, and alienating experience--and still, I would say I didn't have it as bad as some people did. But I think a lot of people underestimate what it is like being a gay youth, and I am proud of myself for still being here, and for all of my friends that are. We had it rough--especially those of us who did not come from accepting backgrounds such as myself. My parents were not very accepting, and I think because of that, I had 0 support or context for any romantic relationships, and it led me to being in a lot of abusive situations with very fucked up men.

The other thing to contextualize around being LGBT (and how it pertains to navigating love) is how homophobia and the denial of being our true selves have led to what most people characterize as a "second adolescence." There are a lot of articles on this, including this one. This often means when it comes to dating and romance that as queer people, especially gay/bi/queer men, we are dating people with a lot of unresolved trauma that can be somewhat of a ripple effect. Due to the oppression we face, it fucks people up. I cannot tell you how many times guys have "hid" me over the years because of shame. I am 31 and only now have I feel like I've experienced an actually healthy, mature, adult relationship.

I am not the gatekeeper of queerness, but I would say a majority of the poly people I encounter are IRL or even on these boards are mostly hetro polycules with a lot of WLW that benefit from straight privilege. The only way in which I could concede that the struggle is similar is that poly people can't experience legal marriage in the same way that monos can. Contrary to the tone of my post here, I do have empathy for people who are not LGBTQ+ but are sexually marginalized. It feels in some way like there isn't necessarily the same "place" for you. But I have a visceral knee-jerk reaction when I hear poly/kink/ace people feel that they should be actively celebrated at pride. It feels insulting to those of us who have gone through the bowels of hell.

So, in short: Do I think poly people are welcome and have a place at pride events? Yes. Do I think pride is made for them in mind? No--but they can totally come and not center themselves. Do I think poly--like being aceromantic/sexual/kink--is a sexual minority, and do I think that is a specific kind of exclusion in its own right that has its rough points? Yes. The only way in which my mind is changed on that is if these people ARE also gay/bi. Hope this makes sense.

 

[Ariakas]

echoing this sentiment.

I mean this in the kindest way possible, but I've been out as a gay since 2007 in the bible belt; I think it is, at best, wilfully ignorant to assume that being poly is the same as my experience and that our struggles are at all similar. For context, I'm 31 years old. I've been out to close to 20 years--a majority of my life. Being out back then was a really, really hard, difficult, and alienating experience--and still, I would say I didn't have it as bad as some people did. But I think a lot of people underestimate what it is like being a gay youth, and I am proud of myself for still being here, and for all of my friends that are. We had it rough--especially those of us who did not come from accepting backgrounds such as myself. My parents were not very accepting, and I think because of that, I had 0 support or context for any romantic relationships, and it led me to being in a lot of abusive situations with very fucked up men.

The other thing to contextualize around being LGBT (and how it pertains to navigating love) is how homophobia and the denial of being our true selves have led to what most people characterize as a "second adolescence." There are a lot of articles on this, including this one. This often means when it comes to dating and romance that as queer people, especially gay/bi/queer men, we are dating people with a lot of unresolved trauma that can be somewhat of a ripple effect. Due to the oppression we face, it fucks people up. I cannot tell you how many times guys have "hid" me over the years because of shame. I am 31 and only now have I feel like I've experienced an actually healthy, mature, adult relationship.

I am not the gatekeeper of queerness, but I would say a majority of the poly people I encounter are IRL or even on these boards are mostly hetro polycules with a lot of WLW that benefit from straight privilege. The only way in which I could concede that the struggle is similar is that poly people can't experience legal marriage in the same way that monos can. Contrary to the tone of my post here, I do have empathy for people who are not LGBTQ+ but are sexually marginalized. It feels in some way like there isn't necessarily the same "place" for you. But I have a visceral knee-jerk reaction when I hear poly/kink/ace people feel that they should be actively celebrated at pride. It feels insulting to those of us who have gone through the bowels of hell.

So, in short: Do I think poly people are welcome and have a place at pride events? Yes. Do I think pride is made for them in mind? No--but they can totally come and not center themselves. Do I think poly--like being aceromantic/sexual/kink--is a sexual minority, and do I think that is a specific kind of exclusion in its own right that has its rough points? Yes. The only way in which my mind is changed on that is if these people ARE also gay/bi. Hope this makes sense.

Makes perfect sense ...