Meaningful
New member
I suppose I'm fairly new to polyamorous relationships. This is the first really BIG challenge I've bumped into, and I'm finding myself unable to figure it out. As a rule, I try to be as self-critical as I can possibly be. The habit usually steers me in the right direction, but this time around, I'm having trouble trusting my own conclusions. I'm hoping this community can help.
My wife and I have been polyamorous for approximately two years. She has a partner besides myself and I have a partner besides her. My wife's partner has no other partners. My partner has a husband who occasionally takes other partners. It's probably worth mentioning that my wife and my partner (and her husband) have a complicated history that places a degree of separation between them, but everyone gets along and there's no indication of any lingering ill will.
A few weeks ago, I bumped into someone that I was interested in taking on as another partner. The moment I realized that I felt an interest, I let my wife and partner know. From the get go, I wanted everyone to be aware that this was something that was only a possibility (the new person isn't actively polyamorous, and only expressed an openness to entering into a relationship with someone who was poly). I thought that a first, safe step would be to introduce this new person in a more friendly social context so everyone could get to know each other and decide what they were or weren't comfortable with.
My wife was enthusiastic from the beginning, and encouraged me to pursue this new interest. The two of them have a lot in common and it seems likely that they could become very good friends. My partner, on the other hand, was deeply intimidated by the idea, and that is where we ran into our problem.
My partner revealed some feelings that she had been keeping hidden. I don't blame her, as they were difficult topics that would have been scary to bring up. The first was that she didn't feel like she was getting enough attention and fulfillment from our existing relationship. I was completely understanding of that the moment that she brought it up, and we have since been taking steps to improve our relationship. I love my partner, and want to satisfy her needs. I only wish she'd brought the issue up sooner, as she now worries that we're only fixing our relationship to make it okay for me to bring in this other possible partner. This is not the case, but I'm sure it will take a lot of time to rebuild that trust.
The problem I'm having arises from the second feeling that she revealed: she wants our partnership to be exclusive in the long term. She cares about me too much to be able to stomach the idea of me ever seeing or being interested in someone else. She has further expressed that she is unwilling to continue with me under any other circumstances. It is simply too painful for her. She isn't even comfortable with this new person being around as a friend, something which could become very difficult if the new person makes friends with my wife.
I'm finding myself struggling to adjust to this expectation. After all, my partner has a husband who has multiple partners, and I already have a wife with whom I was already married when we decided to explore a polyamorous lifestyle and I met my partner. We are already not exclusive, so the development of this expectation/need doesn't feel reasonable. That said, my partner and I have been together for two years, with no mention of me taking on other partners, so I can see how it might have felt that exclusivity had developed on its own, even though it had never been expressly stated.
So, what do I do? I don't share this feeling of exclusivity, but I feel a need to respect it. The problem is, I have always viewed the possibility of exploring meaningful relationships with multiple partners as being one of the blessings of polyamorous life, provided that one has the wherewithal to overcome its challenges. Is this a hard choice? Is it the more mature path to accept that the two relationships that I have should be enough, or would that mean being disrespectful of my own feelings and views? Or am I simply being a cad, carried away and driven to discard a long and loving relationship in exchange for the possibility of something new and exciting? I'm finding it difficult to separate my desire to stick to my own conception of polyamory from the thrill of a possible new partner, but I know that both of those feelings are real. If I decide to accept what my partner wants, for the reasons she wants it, am I setting us up for problems down the line?
I've been mulling this over for days, and I could go on and on (as I already have in this post). Any insights that individuals or groups with more experience could provide would be very much appreciated.
My wife and I have been polyamorous for approximately two years. She has a partner besides myself and I have a partner besides her. My wife's partner has no other partners. My partner has a husband who occasionally takes other partners. It's probably worth mentioning that my wife and my partner (and her husband) have a complicated history that places a degree of separation between them, but everyone gets along and there's no indication of any lingering ill will.
A few weeks ago, I bumped into someone that I was interested in taking on as another partner. The moment I realized that I felt an interest, I let my wife and partner know. From the get go, I wanted everyone to be aware that this was something that was only a possibility (the new person isn't actively polyamorous, and only expressed an openness to entering into a relationship with someone who was poly). I thought that a first, safe step would be to introduce this new person in a more friendly social context so everyone could get to know each other and decide what they were or weren't comfortable with.
My wife was enthusiastic from the beginning, and encouraged me to pursue this new interest. The two of them have a lot in common and it seems likely that they could become very good friends. My partner, on the other hand, was deeply intimidated by the idea, and that is where we ran into our problem.
My partner revealed some feelings that she had been keeping hidden. I don't blame her, as they were difficult topics that would have been scary to bring up. The first was that she didn't feel like she was getting enough attention and fulfillment from our existing relationship. I was completely understanding of that the moment that she brought it up, and we have since been taking steps to improve our relationship. I love my partner, and want to satisfy her needs. I only wish she'd brought the issue up sooner, as she now worries that we're only fixing our relationship to make it okay for me to bring in this other possible partner. This is not the case, but I'm sure it will take a lot of time to rebuild that trust.
The problem I'm having arises from the second feeling that she revealed: she wants our partnership to be exclusive in the long term. She cares about me too much to be able to stomach the idea of me ever seeing or being interested in someone else. She has further expressed that she is unwilling to continue with me under any other circumstances. It is simply too painful for her. She isn't even comfortable with this new person being around as a friend, something which could become very difficult if the new person makes friends with my wife.
I'm finding myself struggling to adjust to this expectation. After all, my partner has a husband who has multiple partners, and I already have a wife with whom I was already married when we decided to explore a polyamorous lifestyle and I met my partner. We are already not exclusive, so the development of this expectation/need doesn't feel reasonable. That said, my partner and I have been together for two years, with no mention of me taking on other partners, so I can see how it might have felt that exclusivity had developed on its own, even though it had never been expressly stated.
So, what do I do? I don't share this feeling of exclusivity, but I feel a need to respect it. The problem is, I have always viewed the possibility of exploring meaningful relationships with multiple partners as being one of the blessings of polyamorous life, provided that one has the wherewithal to overcome its challenges. Is this a hard choice? Is it the more mature path to accept that the two relationships that I have should be enough, or would that mean being disrespectful of my own feelings and views? Or am I simply being a cad, carried away and driven to discard a long and loving relationship in exchange for the possibility of something new and exciting? I'm finding it difficult to separate my desire to stick to my own conception of polyamory from the thrill of a possible new partner, but I know that both of those feelings are real. If I decide to accept what my partner wants, for the reasons she wants it, am I setting us up for problems down the line?
I've been mulling this over for days, and I could go on and on (as I already have in this post). Any insights that individuals or groups with more experience could provide would be very much appreciated.