Hello, everyone!
This is my first post on this messaging board. I have a question about my relationship that I can't ask my friends because they're all monogamous
I hope someone has the time to help me sort out something that happened between me and my significant other 
I've been seeing someone (who I'll call Rachel) for almost three years now and we just recently began practicing polyamory. I've lived with her for two of those years. I have many years of experience with polyamory (~5 years) but Rachel is new to it. Although our relationship began under the terms of monogamy, we began practicing polyamory several months ago at her request and I was more than open to it. In the past, Rachel has been forthcoming about information related to people she's dating and I've welcomed that. I want her to be happy with other people, too. I care very deeply for her and would consider this my healthiest relationship to date. She and I want to raise a family one day.
In February, she began working several states away as a part of her nursing contract, a decision I was more than okay with. She informed me during this time that she was going on "dates" with someone named Michael. I appreciated that she was informing me of this but didn't inquire further because I trusted that she would abide by the boundaries of our relationship.
During that time, I was dealing with serious mental health issues (which are still ongoing). I was experiencing major stress in my professional life which spilled over into my personal life. Also during this time, Rachel fell in romantic love with Michael but didn't inform me of this until I confronted her about it. I'll explain more in a minute.
I spent money on a plane ticket to see Rachel in April because I really missed her. The distance had begun wearing on our relationship, making it strained, especially because she works the graveyard shift. She spent most of my three-day mini-vacation sleeping because her job is very demanding. I understand this and didn't feel bad as a result. The first thing I saw when I came to her AirBnB in Maryland was a bouquet of flowers in the kitchen. I asked who Rachel got those from and she said that Michael got her the flowers. She said (something to the effect that) he's a nice guy and that he brings her a lot of joy. I expressed happiness (i.e. compersion) but didn't inquire further because I trusted that she would be upfront about anything I should know. At the time, I was operating under the assumption that the two of them were "friends with benefits" which I was okay with. Rachel and I previously agreed that we would inform each other if either of us began feeling romantic feelings for a new partner.
Rachel knows that my previous romantic partners (from years ago) cheated on me. She also knows that I'm still dealing with that emotional pain.
Rachel and I had (pretty much) just one full day (Saturday) to spend with each other during the course of my three-day mini-vacation. She spent half of Saturday (~7 hours) with Michael and the evening with me. Initially, Saturday was supposed to be the day that I met Michael but (at the last minute) he informed Rachel that wanted that time to be with her alone. Rachel, in turn, expressed this to me. I was surprised, to say the least, but I expressed that I was okay with this. She came back to the AirBnB an hour late and, as a result, we almost missed the comedy show portion of our date.
During my date with Rachel that evening, she repeatedly texted Michael. This was the first date I had taken Rachel out to in months because she had been working in a different state. She seemed very disconnected from me that evening.
When we got home, she began a discreet phone conversation with Michael in an adjacent room. It was clear to me that the two of them were speaking to each other as if they held romantic feelings for each other. Given the circumstances, I feared that Rachel was cheating on me and withholding information regarding Michael.
In a moment of weakness, I went thru her phone while she was sleeping. I saw (weeks-old) text messages between Rachel and Michael where they repeatedly told each other "I love you".
As a result, I sat down with Rachel the next day and asked if there was any information she was withholding about Michael. She admitted that she hadn't informed me about the fact that she fell in love with Michael, but she insisted that it was "my fault" for not asking her more questions about the nature of her relationship with Michael. She has repeatedly insisted that her withholding that information was "not a big deal" and that I was "making a mountain out of a molehill". She told me I should have "figured it out" myself. She insists that she texted Michael "only twice" during our date, but I feel like she's (overall) trying to minimize the impact her actions have had on me.
Rachel insists that I am the person who "needs help" meaning that I need psychological counseling to get over the fact that I have emotional baggage related to cheating. She insists that my going through her phone was the only boundary violation. Although I apologized for this, she still brings it up whenever I broach the topic. At the present moment, she has clarified that she is presently "focusing on the relationship" with Michael because she believes that I need psychological counseling to "get over" what happened. She believes that her actions didn't rise to the level of cheating or (otherwise) violated any of the boundaries of our relationship.
In the past few weeks, I've informed Rachel that I have (at times) felt worthless and gaslit, but she insists that this is something I need to sort out myself. I wrote her a letter three days ago expressing that "I feel" (I used plenty of "I feel statements) that her actions have risen to the level of gaslighting. I emphasized that it was my belief that she wasn't doing it consciously or intentionally, but I let her know how I really felt and that I wanted our relationship to heal with the aid of a couple's therapist. She read the letter three days ago and just now told me that she's still uncomfortable about talking about my letter which I put lots of consideration into.
I love Rachel SO much and know that I (personally) can move forward from this, but I feel stuck and (at times) crazy for feeling the ways I do. Does anyone here resonate with my story or agree that I was gaslit? Any input is welcome
Edit history: Changed some typos as this was done with voice-to-text software. Emojis were added to clarify that I'm not despondent or otherwise feeling hopeless.


I've been seeing someone (who I'll call Rachel) for almost three years now and we just recently began practicing polyamory. I've lived with her for two of those years. I have many years of experience with polyamory (~5 years) but Rachel is new to it. Although our relationship began under the terms of monogamy, we began practicing polyamory several months ago at her request and I was more than open to it. In the past, Rachel has been forthcoming about information related to people she's dating and I've welcomed that. I want her to be happy with other people, too. I care very deeply for her and would consider this my healthiest relationship to date. She and I want to raise a family one day.
In February, she began working several states away as a part of her nursing contract, a decision I was more than okay with. She informed me during this time that she was going on "dates" with someone named Michael. I appreciated that she was informing me of this but didn't inquire further because I trusted that she would abide by the boundaries of our relationship.
During that time, I was dealing with serious mental health issues (which are still ongoing). I was experiencing major stress in my professional life which spilled over into my personal life. Also during this time, Rachel fell in romantic love with Michael but didn't inform me of this until I confronted her about it. I'll explain more in a minute.
I spent money on a plane ticket to see Rachel in April because I really missed her. The distance had begun wearing on our relationship, making it strained, especially because she works the graveyard shift. She spent most of my three-day mini-vacation sleeping because her job is very demanding. I understand this and didn't feel bad as a result. The first thing I saw when I came to her AirBnB in Maryland was a bouquet of flowers in the kitchen. I asked who Rachel got those from and she said that Michael got her the flowers. She said (something to the effect that) he's a nice guy and that he brings her a lot of joy. I expressed happiness (i.e. compersion) but didn't inquire further because I trusted that she would be upfront about anything I should know. At the time, I was operating under the assumption that the two of them were "friends with benefits" which I was okay with. Rachel and I previously agreed that we would inform each other if either of us began feeling romantic feelings for a new partner.
Rachel knows that my previous romantic partners (from years ago) cheated on me. She also knows that I'm still dealing with that emotional pain.
Rachel and I had (pretty much) just one full day (Saturday) to spend with each other during the course of my three-day mini-vacation. She spent half of Saturday (~7 hours) with Michael and the evening with me. Initially, Saturday was supposed to be the day that I met Michael but (at the last minute) he informed Rachel that wanted that time to be with her alone. Rachel, in turn, expressed this to me. I was surprised, to say the least, but I expressed that I was okay with this. She came back to the AirBnB an hour late and, as a result, we almost missed the comedy show portion of our date.
During my date with Rachel that evening, she repeatedly texted Michael. This was the first date I had taken Rachel out to in months because she had been working in a different state. She seemed very disconnected from me that evening.
When we got home, she began a discreet phone conversation with Michael in an adjacent room. It was clear to me that the two of them were speaking to each other as if they held romantic feelings for each other. Given the circumstances, I feared that Rachel was cheating on me and withholding information regarding Michael.
In a moment of weakness, I went thru her phone while she was sleeping. I saw (weeks-old) text messages between Rachel and Michael where they repeatedly told each other "I love you".
As a result, I sat down with Rachel the next day and asked if there was any information she was withholding about Michael. She admitted that she hadn't informed me about the fact that she fell in love with Michael, but she insisted that it was "my fault" for not asking her more questions about the nature of her relationship with Michael. She has repeatedly insisted that her withholding that information was "not a big deal" and that I was "making a mountain out of a molehill". She told me I should have "figured it out" myself. She insists that she texted Michael "only twice" during our date, but I feel like she's (overall) trying to minimize the impact her actions have had on me.
Rachel insists that I am the person who "needs help" meaning that I need psychological counseling to get over the fact that I have emotional baggage related to cheating. She insists that my going through her phone was the only boundary violation. Although I apologized for this, she still brings it up whenever I broach the topic. At the present moment, she has clarified that she is presently "focusing on the relationship" with Michael because she believes that I need psychological counseling to "get over" what happened. She believes that her actions didn't rise to the level of cheating or (otherwise) violated any of the boundaries of our relationship.
In the past few weeks, I've informed Rachel that I have (at times) felt worthless and gaslit, but she insists that this is something I need to sort out myself. I wrote her a letter three days ago expressing that "I feel" (I used plenty of "I feel statements) that her actions have risen to the level of gaslighting. I emphasized that it was my belief that she wasn't doing it consciously or intentionally, but I let her know how I really felt and that I wanted our relationship to heal with the aid of a couple's therapist. She read the letter three days ago and just now told me that she's still uncomfortable about talking about my letter which I put lots of consideration into.
I love Rachel SO much and know that I (personally) can move forward from this, but I feel stuck and (at times) crazy for feeling the ways I do. Does anyone here resonate with my story or agree that I was gaslit? Any input is welcome

Edit history: Changed some typos as this was done with voice-to-text software. Emojis were added to clarify that I'm not despondent or otherwise feeling hopeless.
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