Has My Primary Partner Gaslit Me?

[Sasha]

Hello, everyone! This is my first post on this messaging board. I have a question about my relationship that I can't ask my friends because they're all monogamous I hope someone has the time to help me sort out something that happened between me and my significant other

I've been seeing someone (who I'll call Rachel) for almost three years now and we just recently began practicing polyamory. I've lived with her for two of those years. I have many years of experience with polyamory (~5 years) but Rachel is new to it. Although our relationship began under the terms of monogamy, we began practicing polyamory several months ago at her request and I was more than open to it. In the past, Rachel has been forthcoming about information related to people she's dating and I've welcomed that. I want her to be happy with other people, too. I care very deeply for her and would consider this my healthiest relationship to date. She and I want to raise a family one day.

In February, she began working several states away as a part of her nursing contract, a decision I was more than okay with. She informed me during this time that she was going on "dates" with someone named Michael. I appreciated that she was informing me of this but didn't inquire further because I trusted that she would abide by the boundaries of our relationship.

During that time, I was dealing with serious mental health issues (which are still ongoing). I was experiencing major stress in my professional life which spilled over into my personal life. Also during this time, Rachel fell in romantic love with Michael but didn't inform me of this until I confronted her about it. I'll explain more in a minute.

I spent money on a plane ticket to see Rachel in April because I really missed her. The distance had begun wearing on our relationship, making it strained, especially because she works the graveyard shift. She spent most of my three-day mini-vacation sleeping because her job is very demanding. I understand this and didn't feel bad as a result. The first thing I saw when I came to her AirBnB in Maryland was a bouquet of flowers in the kitchen. I asked who Rachel got those from and she said that Michael got her the flowers. She said (something to the effect that) he's a nice guy and that he brings her a lot of joy. I expressed happiness (i.e. compersion) but didn't inquire further because I trusted that she would be upfront about anything I should know. At the time, I was operating under the assumption that the two of them were "friends with benefits" which I was okay with. Rachel and I previously agreed that we would inform each other if either of us began feeling romantic feelings for a new partner.

Rachel knows that my previous romantic partners (from years ago) cheated on me. She also knows that I'm still dealing with that emotional pain.

Rachel and I had (pretty much) just one full day (Saturday) to spend with each other during the course of my three-day mini-vacation. She spent half of Saturday (~7 hours) with Michael and the evening with me. Initially, Saturday was supposed to be the day that I met Michael but (at the last minute) he informed Rachel that wanted that time to be with her alone. Rachel, in turn, expressed this to me. I was surprised, to say the least, but I expressed that I was okay with this. She came back to the AirBnB an hour late and, as a result, we almost missed the comedy show portion of our date.

During my date with Rachel that evening, she repeatedly texted Michael. This was the first date I had taken Rachel out to in months because she had been working in a different state. She seemed very disconnected from me that evening.

When we got home, she began a discreet phone conversation with Michael in an adjacent room. It was clear to me that the two of them were speaking to each other as if they held romantic feelings for each other. Given the circumstances, I feared that Rachel was cheating on me and withholding information regarding Michael.

In a moment of weakness, I went thru her phone while she was sleeping. I saw (weeks-old) text messages between Rachel and Michael where they repeatedly told each other "I love you".

As a result, I sat down with Rachel the next day and asked if there was any information she was withholding about Michael. She admitted that she hadn't informed me about the fact that she fell in love with Michael, but she insisted that it was "my fault" for not asking her more questions about the nature of her relationship with Michael. She has repeatedly insisted that her withholding that information was "not a big deal" and that I was "making a mountain out of a molehill". She told me I should have "figured it out" myself. She insists that she texted Michael "only twice" during our date, but I feel like she's (overall) trying to minimize the impact her actions have had on me.

Rachel insists that I am the person who "needs help" meaning that I need psychological counseling to get over the fact that I have emotional baggage related to cheating. She insists that my going through her phone was the only boundary violation. Although I apologized for this, she still brings it up whenever I broach the topic. At the present moment, she has clarified that she is presently "focusing on the relationship" with Michael because she believes that I need psychological counseling to "get over" what happened. She believes that her actions didn't rise to the level of cheating or (otherwise) violated any of the boundaries of our relationship.

In the past few weeks, I've informed Rachel that I have (at times) felt worthless and gaslit, but she insists that this is something I need to sort out myself. I wrote her a letter three days ago expressing that "I feel" (I used plenty of "I feel statements) that her actions have risen to the level of gaslighting. I emphasized that it was my belief that she wasn't doing it consciously or intentionally, but I let her know how I really felt and that I wanted our relationship to heal with the aid of a couple's therapist. She read the letter three days ago and just now told me that she's still uncomfortable about talking about my letter which I put lots of consideration into.

I love Rachel SO much and know that I (personally) can move forward from this, but I feel stuck and (at times) crazy for feeling the ways I do. Does anyone here resonate with my story or agree that I was gaslit? Any input is welcome

Edit history: Changed some typos as this was done with voice-to-text software. Emojis were added to clarify that I'm not despondent or otherwise feeling hopeless.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

FWIW? These things pop out to me.

Also during this time, Rachel fell in romantic love with Michael but didn't inform me of this until I confronted her about it. I'll explain more in a minute.

Polyamory mean "many loves." Why is it a problem if she falls in love with another dating partner?

Rachel and I previously agreed that we would inform each other if either of us began feeling romantic feelings for a new partner.

For what purpose? Is this where the agreement was making the problems? Cuz could just assume it's on the table.

She spent most of my three-day mini-vacation sleeping because her job is very demanding.

If you only had 3 days, and her job is demanding, I think you could have asked Rachel to clear her schedule and see Michael another time. Or skip visiting while is she's in NRE lalas. You are not there a week. It's just a long weekend and some of that is spent on a plane.

During my date with Rachel that evening, she repeatedly texted Michael.

That is annoying. She could be PRESENT on the date. When it's free time or down time, she could talk to him then.

In a moment of weakness, I went thru her phone while she was sleeping.

That is not ok to do. You seem to know it. You seem to have apologized for this trespass. Has she also changed her passcode so you can't do it again?

As a result, I sat down with Rachel the next day and asked if there was any information she was withholding about Michael. She admitted that she hadn't informed me about the fact that she fell in love with Michael, but she insisted that it was "my fault" for not asking her more questions about the nature of her relationship with Michael.

That sounds like "fishing" or "testing" to me since you already know the answer. Why not talk to her direct?

On her side? She could ALSO just be more up front.

You are supposed to be the one with more polyamory experience and she's a newbie. So... did you two talk about some grace and space for her to learn?

She has repeatedly insisted that her withholding that information was "not a big deal" and that I was "making a mountain out of a molehill". She told me I should have "figured it out" myself. She insists that she texted Michael "only twice" during our date, but I feel like she's (overall) trying to minimize the impact her actions have had on me.

That's the vibe I get. Minimizing and not owning her behavior.

But neither is she a mind reader. If you don't speak up or ask -- how's she supposed to know what's going on with you?

Rachel insists that I am the person who "needs help" meaning that I need psychological counseling to get over the fact that I have emotional baggage related to cheating.

Well, what work HAVE you done to get over past emotional baggage from cheating ex partners? ARE you carrying stuff over into this relationship with Rachel unfairly?

She insists that my going through her phone was the only boundary violation. Although I apologized for this, she still brings it up whenever I broach the topic.

It was a violation. It may take her time to get past it. She might be also using it as a means to avoid owning the parts she did wrong. It takes two to tango. Both of you have a share in this situation. Rather than blaming and pointing fingers... how about just agreeing both had a hand in it.

And talk about what happens next?

At the present moment, she has clarified that she is presently "focusing on the relationship" with Michael because she believes that I need psychological counseling to "get over" what happened. She believes that her actions didn't rise to the level of cheating or (otherwise) violated any of the boundaries of our relationship.

I think the agreement was foolish, because polyamory allows for loving more than one partner. But there WAS an agreement to give a heads up. She failed to uphold it or ask to renegotiate or inform you that she no longer plans to keep it up. So she could apologize for that part of it.

I think she could have a point in that you need to work on your past stuff from previous cheating. Peeking in her phone is not ok. And this passive sounding "waiting to be told" rather than just ASKING DIRECT about stuff that concerns you doesn't serve you well. "Fishing" and "testing her" to catch her out-- none of that is great behavior either.

Compared to past cheating partners? This may be your healthiest relationship to date.

But it doesn't seem actually healthy. There's places where BOTH of you could do some work.

In the past few weeks, I've informed Rachel that I have (at times) felt worthless and gaslit, but she insists that this is something I need to sort out myself. I wrote her a letter three days ago expressing that "I feel" (I used plenty of "I feel statements) that her actions have risen to the level of gaslighting. I emphasized that it was my belief that she wasn't doing it consciously or intentionally, but I let her know how I really felt and that I wanted our relationship to heal with the aid of a couple's therapist. She read the letter three days ago and just now told me that she's still uncomfortable about talking about my letter which I put lots of consideration into.

I cannot tell from reading if Rachel was gaslighting you. Or if she doesn't want to be your "life raft" person that you use to prop you up from issues of your own.

To me she sounds upset at the phone peeking, and maybe discovering she can't balance two partners as a poly newbie, and maybe kinda letting the LDR thing with you "fade out."

So... is Rachel doing the "soft break up" thing? With her working in another state, wanting to focus on her relationship with Michael and not wanting to discuss this?

Might be faster to just ask her if she still wants to date and what work you both could do to improve.

Or if she prefers to let it all go. Or you do. Break up, take a time out to work on yourselves and when her nursing contract brings her back to your town, discuss if you want to get back together or just be done or what.

Rather than another round of her being all vague and you being all vague? Could address things head on from the start.

Since you seem willing to do counseling? You could consider the counseling on your own for your own self regardless of what happens with Rachel.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Sasha,

It sounds like Rachel agreed to let you know if/when she fell in love with anyone, and then she broke the agreement. I am not sure why she did that. I also note that she was pretty dismissive toward you during your three-day mini-vacation. She was not really present with you, she was usually occupied by her relationship with Michael. You, on the other hand, were accepting and tolerant of many things, it's just her breaking her agreement with you where you had to draw the line.

I think the thing to do here is to get a couple's therapist. I don't know whether to call Rachel's behavior gaslighting, but she does seem to be shifting the blame onto you. She should be willing to own her own part in the situation.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

It's really hard to tell what is going on here because we only have your side of the issue to go on. Of course, that's almost always the case on this board, but it seems even more so in your case.

Were you two getting along great before she left? When is she expected back?

Did Rachel avoid you on your 3 day visit? Yes, she did. She spent a ton of time sleeping. When Michael cancelled the date to meet you, she could've just not seen him. She could have spent the time with you. But she spend a long date with him. She was even an hour late getting back! Then as soon as you guys got back from the comedy club, she called Michael.

When you saw his flowers, you could've assumed she was romantically involved with him. Most FWBs would never give each other flowers. He may have even given her flowers just so you would see them... claiming his territory, so to speak. Who knows? Maybe he gives her flowers all the time.

Going through her phone was incredibly rude and unacceptable. If this is the kind of untrustworthy sneaky behavior she's seen from you in the past, I don't think it would be surprising for her to be becoming uninterested in pursuing this LDR.

How has her communication been since she's been gone? Do you two have cyber dates? Watch movies together? Have cyber sex? Support each other very well with what you're going through? (Your depression, her stress.) Or has she seemed more and more distant? You said things seem strained lately. Maybe she is over you. It kinda sounds like it. I'm sorry.

I don't really see any gaslighting going on, ie.: "a specific type of manipulation where the manipulator is trying to get someone else (or a group of people) to question their own reality, memory or perceptions." What reality is she denying? You suspected she was in love. Instead of asking her if she's in love, you snooped in her phone to see the "I love yous." Why not just ask? It's OK if she's in love. Maybe she's afraid that you'll be upset if she's in love. That you'd call that cheating. I don't see her cheating here. I see her afraid to tell you she's in love, for some reason. Why would she be afraid to tell you this?