He met someone else fast

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NewToPoly

New member
I’m band new to poly so I have no experience with this. So I met this guy and we have spent a lot of time together over the last three weeks. We have hit it off, I really like him a lot and love the time that we got to spend together. He told me multiple times that he wants me to be his and sees the potential for this to be a long term poly relationship.
Just found out this weekend that he has met another guy since and he has been spending a lot of time with him. I’m feeling like I have been displaced from this potential relationship and his attention is now focused on this new guy. It’s like a kid just got a new toy. That new toy is all he wants to spend time with and I have been discarded. I feel rejected by him.
I have reached out to him a few times telling him that I want to talk and to work through things. The only response that I have received is that he will contact me later. That was more than 24 hours ago.
Is this a red flag and a sign of how things will go if we decide that we want to continue to pursue? Has anyone else run into this? How did you handle it? How did you work through it? I know that a lot of communication and bing open with how I feel is extremely important, but also feel like it might be a waste of time and I should let him go even though my gut, heart and instinct say I should continue to try.
 
Poly or not? I don't think it is a good idea to rush into making commitments or jump into "going steady" or something. You have only known him 3 weeks, and it sounds like he wants to date others. You could be doing same.

If you reached out and he said he'd get back to you? And it's only been a day? Give it some time and space.

If you don't do well with "nebulous" or "up in the air" things, next time negotiate a time. Like....

"Ok, you will get back to me. How about if I don't hear from you in a week, I call you back then? I'll look forward to your call. "

Then the other person has a whole week to get back to you, and you aren't out on limb. It's a defined waiting space.

Open communication is important, but so's a little life balance. It's ok for each of you to spend time alone, with friends, family, and yes, other dating potentials.

Galagirl
 
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Thank you Galagirl. The space and time is good advice. I do plan on doing the things I love with friends over the next several days.
Dating others is not easy. I’m in my 40’s and the gay community seems to go for young men that my dating options feel so limited.
Maybe I just need to work on improving my game and how I flirt.
 
NewToPoly said:
So I met this guy and we have spent a lot of time together over the last three weeks. We have hit it off, I really like him a lot and love the time that we got to spend together. He told me multiple times that he wants me to be his and sees the potential for this to be a long term poly relationship.
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You've been spending time with this person for a few weeks? In my experience, getting to know how someone actually works and whether or not we are a good match takes a great deal of time.

I suggest spending your energy on getting to know how someone ticks, introspecting about how you tick and expressing it, and discovering where the mutual overlap is between the two of you. We can make predictions about how "long term" a relationship is going to be, but that is putting the cart way out in front of the horse. I hope that you will pump the breaks on how quickly you want to move into this association and consider why it is that you are in such a hurry.

NewToPoly said:
I have reached out to him a few times telling him that I want to talk and to work through things. The only response that I have received is that he will contact me later. That was more than 24 hours ago.
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It will serve you well to figure out exactly what your expectations are, and how critical they are to your basic function in a relationship. You seem to be having difficulty because this person you just met is putting off the "let's talk about our relationship" conversation you are keen to have. I think it's important to take a look at that and make sure you understand why it is important to you, where that requirement comes from, and whether or not it is a hard stop for you.

The other part is to make sure that you are expressing these expectations, along with the criticality, to new people you are hoping to be entangled with. It is our instinct to presume that the people around us have the same list of behavioral priorities that we do, but this is rarely the case. If we expect for people to meet our minimum requirements, we need to let them know what those requirements are.

The other other part is that we need to learn to accept that some people just aren't going to be down to meet our minimum expectations. Just because I want someone to do something, doesn't mean they need to do it; it also doesn't mean they've done anything wrong. Being an excellent receiver of unfavorable news is one of the key skills for building trust in a relationship, so I recommend becoming an expert.

NewToPoly said:
Is this a red flag and a sign of how things will go if we decide that we want to continue to pursue? Has anyone else run into this? How did you handle it? How did you work through it?
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You have to decide what is a red flag and what isn't. For me, your post just reads as someone in a new relationship and is getting a little stressed out about it. I would consider their lack of interest in getting into it with you as the reality that they have something else they'd rather be doing, and I am only entitled to the time and energy they are inclined to give me.
 
I'm sorry this guy is seeming to have discarded you for the next new and shiny thing. I'm not a gay man, but I was out in the dating world a lot until fairly recently, and as a rule, I have found a lot of men who will say anything, make plans, compliment you, act like you're the bee's knees, only to throw you a few fucks and disappear, or ghost.

Men are notorious for saying anything (lying) just to get in someone's pants. It sucks. Many of them just want an unpaid whore for a time or two in the sack. In fact, one of my last dates was with a guy who actually bought me an expensive sushi dinner and he seemed so nice and sincere, intelligent, romantic, nice looking, etc., I decided to ask him to come home. He was already telling me what he wanted to do on our next couple of dates. We had sex, and then he ghosted. I even saw him on Fetlife the very next day, commenting on another woman's pic and asking her to meet up with him.

So, that's my 2 cents.
 
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Hello NewToPoly,
It sounds like you might be in Poly Hell.

It sounds like your guy is experiencing a lot of NRE with his new dating partner, I'm not sure what you can do to change that other than to wait it out. Should you wait it out? For that, perhaps we can take a simple vote:
  • Your feeling says that it might be a waste of time, and that you should let him go. That's one vote.
  • Your gut, heart, and instinct all say that you should continue to try. That's three votes!
Just going by that, it sounds like you should continue to try. In which case, communication and being open with how you feel is extremely important. You feel that he is neglecting you. Tell him this. Tell him that you feel hurt. See if you can reach him with a simple appeal.

I hope you can work things out with him.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Dating others is not easy. I’m in my 40’s and the gay community seems to go for young men that my dating options feel so limited.
Maybe I just need to work on improving my game and how I flirt.
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Sure. And maybe some patience and some self reflection.

Like... why are you dating right now? What are you looking for in a partner?
  • Just wanting to get to know different people?
  • Seeking a long term partner?
  • Wanting to share sex?
  • Other things?
  • A combo?

And why poly dating? Just to open up more options because dating partners are scared? Or because you love poly/the idea of poly?

Maybe read "Opening Up" and while waiting for the book to arrive, check out the free download pages so you can clarify to yourself what you are and are not up for.


Not every person you date will end up a long haul runner, or even make it to a 2nd or 3rd date. So pace yourself. Just because someone is interesting enough for one date doesn't automatically mean they are interesting enough for more or even initially compatible. And those who are initially compatible might not be DEEPLY compatible. That's kind of what dating is FOR. To get to know people and figure out compatibilities.

Because you perceive your dating options as limited, be careful not to latch on to people too fast just because they arrived on the scene. YKWIM? Still take the time to vet them and take measure of their character and whether or not you get along well or not.

If this guy discarded you like he's some kind of NRE junkie flitting from flower to flower? If that's not your thing too, don't chase him.

If it's that you FEEL discarded, but he hasn't actually? You just a newbie having to learn to share attention from a hinge in poly dating? Accept it going to be part of the process since you are new to poly. If up til now you have dated one person at a time and are used to having "dibs" on all their free time it's going to feel different and take some getting used to.

Whichever way it is/was? Call it lesson learned and slow it down some. Don't latch on so fast or so hard in early stages of dating. Try to quell your anxieties (if you are having some) so you can actually ENJOY the dating process.

Galagirl
 
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