He wants me to help him find someone

D

dollface

New member
My husband is at a point where he feels he needs another relationship stat. He tends to go for non pollyam people we know, and things don't really go too well and they make him feel horrible for being pollyam. He's asked me to help him find someone. Currently, I am not interested in a triad, so I'm really not sure what I'm supposed to do and how I can help find some one for him. I've told him to get on a dating site or something, but he doesn't want to for whatever reason.
We don't have a pollyam social group we are apart of, all our friends are dating and not pollyam--plus I'm kind of done involving current friends, we have roomates and we havent told them we are pollyam-I dont think itd be a big deal, bUT it might be awkward bring home someone for my hubs. And I feel it would be strange to go out to a random bar and be like "hi, you are beautiful. Would you like to go home with my husband?"
What in the world do I do?
 
Tell him you're not comfortable doing that. You've outlined perfectly good reasons.

I think your discomfort is rational. He's in a tough place and grabbed onto what seems to be an easy solution. But I wouldn't be comfortable cruising for any of my partners either. And I definitely wouldn't be cool talking to some woman only to have her turn around and try to set my up with her husband. If it happened naturally, that would be one thing, but if it was by design I'd find it creepy and NOPE my way right out of talking to either of you.

He needs to do his own work if he wants to find a relationship. If he doesn't want to, it's not your responsibility to do it for him.
 
Tell him to do his own work. I can't even imagine asking a partner to do that. You gave him a good suggestion about dating sites. He should act on that.
 
You could tell him what you are NOT willing to do:

  • "I am not willing to go out to find you dates. I prefer you seek your other dating partners yourself."

You could tell him what you ARE willing to do to:

  • "If you choose to try online dating, I am willing to proof read your online profile for spelling and grammar.
  • "I am willing to respect (you + GF) time and privacy and make myself scarce on your dates nights.


Be specific, and be clear. Only list what you are actually willing to do.

Do not do stuff you are not up for.

He might be disappointed you do not want to do this work for him...but he's kinda being fresh. It is not your wifely duty to find him dates. If he were single, he would have to do this work himself.

Galagirl
 
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As I told Butch my husband. I love you but I am not your pimp/matchmaker.

Plus I am sorry it is downright creepy to have someone come up to you and say.... hey my husband thinks your beautiful. Wanna date /fuck/make out with/etc my husband.
 
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dollface said:
I've told him to get on a dating site or something, but he doesn't want to for whatever reason.
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So he doesn't want to put any effort into finding his new chew toy?

Neat. It's good to want things.

dollface said:
I feel it would be strange to go out to a random bar and be like "hi, you are beautiful. Would you like to go home with my husband?"
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Well, are you a pimp? If not, it might be a valuable use of your time to explain this fact to your partner.
 
Dagferi said:
As I told Butch my husband. I love you but I am not your pimp/matchmaker.

Plus I am sorry it is downright creepy to have someone come up to you and say.... hey my husband thinks your beautiful. Wanna date /fuck/make out with/etc my husband.
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I think that is done at swinger parties sometimes, but it's not the poly way. We aren't usually looking for merely sex. I have gone to ok cupid for years. There you can read profiles and see if you share common interests, location, schedules, etc., then message someone mentioning your shared interests. I block and delete men who only mention my physical attractiveness.
 
Magdlyn said:
I think that is done at swinger parties sometimes, but it's not the poly way. We aren't usually looking for merely sex. I have gone to ok cupid for years. There you can read profiles and see if you share common interests, location, schedules, etc., then message someone mentioning your shared interests. I block and delete men who only mention my physical attractiveness.
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It's done quite a bit in the Seattle poly scene by the young and hip crowd. Then again, so is ok cupid...lol.
 
vinsanity0 said:
It's done quite a bit in the Seattle poly scene by the young and hip crowd. Then again, so is ok cupid...lol.
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There's no such thing as "the poly way". These boards and the poly people I've encountered in the Portland community have shown me very clearly that there is a wide spectrum of behavior that all fits neatly under the "polyamory" banner.
 
Hi dollface,

If you are in the Pacific Northwest, there is a good chance that there is a local poly group near you. Try googling "Seattle polyamory" just as one example. And if it would help I can give you some links to resources for looking for a poly group in your area.

Once you find a poly group, you and your husband can attend their get-togethers and get to know people as a couple and make some friends. Eventually one or more new friends may become interested in your husband romantically. This is one of the ways your husband could find someone, and you could be there to cheer him on.

Beyond that, I have to say I don't know how you would find someone for him. He at least has to be present and involved in the process, doesn't he? If you proposition people (for him) while he's not there, I can't imagine what you could say that wouldn't scare them off. Just my perspective.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I agree with kdt fully. The only think you can do that comes to my mind is getting to know new people with him.

But maybe you could ask husband what specific help he would appreciate?
 
dollface said:
My husband is at a point where he feels he needs another relationship stat.
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If by "stat" you mean ASAP, then it's in your husband's best interest to look more deeply into why he is feeling this way. No relationship, however it's procured, is going to be a balm for whatever lies beneath his feelings of urgency.
 
vinsanity0 said:
It's done quite a bit in the Seattle poly scene by the young and hip crowd. Then again, so is ok cupid...lol.
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Young "hip" women act as pimps for their boyfriends and husbands for polyamorous relationships with other women? Or is it for drunk on PBR one night stands? I'm sorry... that's a bit weird to me. Does it result in successful relationships? Do straight girls also make out with each other in bars to turn on guys? Or is that "unhip?" (That makes me sick. Ugh.)

That said, a bisexual kinky Dutch woman "adopted" me on okc when I first joined, and she does matchmaking for a hobby/kink. She searched local people, bi men and women, til she found Pixi, bugged us til we wrote to each other, and we've been together 8 years...! But we had both taken the trouble to write excellent friendly descriptive profiles and answer tons of the questions to make matching accurate.
 
Magdlyn said:
Young "hip" women act as pimps for their boyfriends and husbands for polyamorous relationships with other women? Or is it for drunk on PBR one night stands? I'm sorry... that's a bit weird to me. Does it result in successful relationships? Do straight girls also make out with each other in bars to turn on guys? Or is that "unhip?" (That makes me sick. Ugh.)

That said, a bisexual kinky Dutch woman "adopted" me on okc when I first joined, and she does matchmaking for a hobby/kink. She searched local people, bi men and women, til she found Pixi, bugged us til we wrote to each other, and we've been together 8 years...! But we had both taken the trouble to write excellent friendly descriptive profiles and answer tons of the questions to make matching accurate.
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I think your use of the word "pimp" is derogatory and sets up a strawman argument.

Remember, we are talking about people that pretty much started their poly journey while single so they don't have some of the hangups older people do.

From what I've seen it's more like a girl (or guy) meets up with someone and thinks they might be good for their partner so they suggest it. Sprite never introduced me to specific people, but she did give me a list of ideas and places I could check out to find poly partners. I didn't ask her to. She just knew I didn't have any in Seattle because I was new there. Even Cat gave me some ideas when I mentioned having a hard time meeting people.

Cat was bi. While looking mainly for a girlfriend for herself, she wasn't opposed to suggesting I hook up with her too if she thought we would get along. Again, not something I asked for.

I've never met a straight girl who would kiss another girl just to entertain men. Women I know do that because they enjoy making out with women.
 
vinsanity0 said:
I've never met a straight girl who would kiss another girl just to entertain men. Women I know do that because they enjoy making out with women.
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Me too, but apparently it is a thing. I've heard reference to this many times, although I've never seen it in action.
 
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