He won’t let me date anyone

[Christine6]

I have a few issues I’m struggling with.
My partner is a hetero male. I’m a bi female. He wants to have a triad and so do I. He says he’s okay with me going out alone but when I have the chance he starts a fight and my nights get cancelled. He wants us to only see girls together but won’t say it directly.
I’ve never been able to experience poly in its true sense, as in me dating on my own. This is my first poly partner. He’s had many relationships but for the last 2 years he’s been monogamous with me since it’s hard to find other partners.
He’s starting a new relationship and I’ve been supportive, picking his clothes so he looks good etc. I’m happy and encouraging when he has doubts. He thinks because I’ve been monogamous all my life I will leave him if I start dating men.
He thinks I’m faking the support so I can push him off on someone else and leave. He won’t face his feelings or talk about them. He just says no. What advice do you guys have?

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

I'm going to pair some things from your post in a different order so you can see them that way. Maybe it helps you.

• I’ve never been able to experience poly in its true sense, as in me dating on my own.
• He says he’s okay with me going out alone but when I have the chance he starts a fight.
• Then I cancel my plans for that night. (<--You called it "my plans get canceled." But it is you canceling them.)

So if you want to experience dating on your own... why are YOU canceling your plans to go out?

It is possible for you to say "I am not up for talking about it now. I am up for talking about this later" if he up and picks a fight right then in order to prevent you from leaving. He didn't make an appointment with you for this. Your person DID make an appointment with you to have a date. Could honor your appointments in the order made, esp when things are not an emergency.

Your partner feeling upset? Is not an emergency. It isn't FUN, but it is not an emergency.

• He thinks because I’ve been monogamous all my life I will leave him if I start dating men.
• He wants us to only see girls together but won’t say it directly. (<--Do not do mind reader-ing. Expect him to state what he wants. )

So go date people and let him discover you are still here after having some dates.

• He’s starting a new relationship and I’ve been supportive, picking his clothes so he looks good etc. (<-- You can be supportive without dressing him. Stop being so involved in his stuff.)
• He thinks I’m faking the support so I can push him off on someone else and leave.

Is that what he does to you? Fakes support? Says one thing, but really means another?Wants you to mind reader the REAL meaning?

So he expects YOU to do fake support, say one thing and do another, and he tries to mind reader your words even if you have no secret meaning?

Is this is how he relates to people? Expects from people?

• He won’t face his feelings or talk about them. He just says no.

Do you enjoy dealing with a partner like this for the last 2 years?

What advice do you guys have?

So far the options I see are...

Let go of wanting to practice nonmonogamy with this guy at this time. Because he doesn't sound ready at this point in time to do it well or healthy. It kinda sounds like he wants a One Penis Policy if he's gonna go there. If you don't want an OPP but still want the guy? Could keep doing the monogamy you've been doing together for 2 years if that worked out better. While doing more education and work on yourselves before trying to open and trying to do some form of nonmonogamy.

Reconsider the model. Why does it have to be a triad like a shared GF? It can't be a V or N where you each have another partner while still dating each other?

Let this partner go, and you go explore non-monogamy however it is you want with more compatible people. So far the only thing that matches is that you both want non-monogamy. HOW you want to practice it? Sounds very different. If you cannot agree, or find out you are NOT compatible as non-monogamous partners because you want different kinds of non-monogamy? Then each could do it their own style of non-monogamy with other people who match those styles.

There might be other options I don't see right now.

Galagirl

 

[Christine6]

Thank you

We have D/s relationship, I should have stated that sooner. It’s his way or the highway. I cancel the plans because I wouldn’t enjoy myself knowing he’s upset and going out while he’s upset, to me, shows I don’t care about his feelings. I don’t manage my emotions well when he’s upset with me. I can’t date who I want because of the D/s, side note the rules change depending on his mood.
If I had to guess his motivations about supporting me I’d guess it’s what you said, more along the lines of manipulation at times. He has unrealistic expectations of people close to him. I don’t enjoy these aspects of our relationship. My focus is more on us rather than the poly. Is that wrong?
Deep down I know this isn’t a healthy dynamic to have. I’d like to de escalate this relationship slowly over time. Maybe he’s right about that part, I don’t want to end it. I just don’t want to be smooshed down by someone anymore.
He was pushing for the triad style and we haven’t met anyone we all 3 like yet.
I say 3 because the future partners feelings matter too.
He has said he didn’t want to date on his own. I encouraged him to change his mind because I could see how unhappy he was being monogamous by default.
I hope that makes sense.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Christine6,

It sounds like your partner is trying to get you to read his mind. By saying he's okay with you going out alone, but then when you try to do so, he sabotages the effort. My initial advice, therefore, is to come right out and ask him, "Do you actually just want us to see girls together?" If he says yes, you'll know where you stand, and can go from there. If he says no, you'll have to decide if he's being honest and if he is, something else must be causing him to say one thing and do another. Perhaps at that point, your best move would be to ask him, "Then why do you always start a fight with me when I'm about to go out alone?" If he can't answer that question, that's probably a sign that he's not telling the truth. I can't tell whether he's deliberately lying, or if he honestly believes he's okay with you going out alone, but then when it comes right down to it, and it's about to happen, he panics. Whatever the case, you need him to realize and talk about his true feelings, before you'll know what to do.

If he refuses, you'll have to decide if you want to be with a dishonest man.
Sympathetically,
Kevin T.

 

[vinsanity0]

Run.

First off, he's not poly.

Secondly, he's only "dominant" because he's insecure.

 

[GalaGirl]

If I had to guess his motivations about supporting me I’d guess it’s what you said, more along the lines of manipulation at times. He has unrealistic expectations of people close to him. I don’t enjoy these aspects of our relationship. My focus is more on us rather than the poly. Is that wrong?

Deep down I know this isn’t a healthy dynamic to have.

Ok.

What would HEALTHY D/s look like to you?

Galagirl

 

[Christine6]

Vinsanity, I’ve thought both those things on several occasions.
Maybe I’m just now getting to know him?

Gala, a healthy dynamic, from what I’ve read and feel about power exchange relationships is one where you both grow and support each other. Bring out the best in each other, make sure needs and wants are met. Where the D type is willing to learn from their mistakes and accept constructive criticism. Where the s does what the D does. Mutually beneficial. Strengthen each other. I’m rambling.
I want the good feelings of getting to know new people in a romantic way. The freshness and new conversations.

 

[GalaGirl]

You D/s 24/7 with him?

Maybe I’m just now getting to know him?

Possible. After 6 mos to 2 years the new relationship energy rose colored glasses tend to come off and you see true colors.

Gala, a healthy dynamic, from what I’ve read and feel about power exchange relationships is one where you both grow and support each other. Bring out the best in each other, make sure needs and wants are met.

Sounds like he doesn't really support you, and doesn't make sure needs and wants are met.

He basically blocks you from some of them, sometimes with manipulations.

Where the D type is willing to learn from their mistakes and accept constructive criticism.

Doesn't sound like he does that if he clings to unrealistic expectations.

Where the s does what the D does. Mutually beneficial. Strengthen each other.

This relationship is not sounding mutually beneficial. Doesn't sound like he's great at being a healthy D and doesn't sound like he's all that into healthy poly.

You sound like you do a lot of the work propping HIM up. (Which is maybe why he's so latched on to you. You are not a person. You are his crutch.)

I want the good feelings of getting to know new people in a romantic way. The freshness and new conversations.

Well, doesn't sound like you will if you stick around here from the sound of it.

Is he your first D? If so, maybe you didn't know what to look for back then or what you really wanted. And now you know more clearly what it is you want/seek in a D.
Cuz your list sounds reasonable to me.

And like this person just doesn't meet your personal standard for what you want in a dominant TODAY.

Galagirl

 

[Tinwen]

We have D/s relationship, I should have stated that sooner. It’s his way or the highway. I cancel the plans because I wouldn’t enjoy myself knowing he’s upset and going out while he’s upset, to me, shows I don’t care about his feelings. I don’t manage my emotions well when he’s upset with me. I can’t date who I want because of the D/s, side note the rules change depending on his mood.

My partner tried to be dominant in how I date, but didn't manage his insecurities well, tries to interfere with the development of new relationships too much. I told him he could not be my dom in that area of my life. He was upset but eventually yielded.
It's still not sorted, me trying to date occasionally will cause trouble, but at least the Ds dynamic is out of it now, so I manage it like having an insecure partner, not from an "s" position.

I strongly recommend speaking up about the fact that if he can't be consistent in his demands it's impossible to submit to them, and preferably just scratching the dynamics in that area of life.

 

[breathemusic]

Sorry, but your boyfriend is crap at both poly AND being a Dom.

As a switch who has experience with both, I can tell you that a good Dom doesn't just make whatever rules he wants without negotiating boundaries ahead of time with their sub, and a good sub knows that being submissive doesn't mean that you have no boundaries or limits and that if something is off or wrong then there is a responsibility to speak up.

for BOTH roles, it takes healthy communication and mutual respect. Both parties should understand that if what you're doing hurts one or both parties (and I mean hurt in a bad way, not consensual pain play) then it shouldn't be done.

A Dom who changes the rules to suit their mood, creates double standards in both D/s and in poly, lashes out, and abuses the power dynamic should be dropped like a hot potato. You may be his sub, but that doesn't mean that you don't have the right to be treated with respect, to have your boundaries respected, or to even negotiate the limits of the power exchange. Someone can be your Dom, even with a 24/7 dynamic, and still not have the power to control EVERY part of your life. You can negotiate boundaries about no one else having authority over your outside relationships, or really any boundaries you want.

PLEASE consider looking more into what a healthy D/s and a healthy poly dynamic look like and reconsider whether this relationship, or at least this dynamic in your relationship is healthy for you. D/s dynamics, and really, many aspects of BDSM are literally people playing with trauma. So doing it in unhealthy ways can really mess with your mind. Take care of yourself.

 

[FallenAngelina]

We have D/s relationship, I should have stated that sooner. It’s his way or the highway.

This is not the defining factor of a D/S relationship. The submissive's growth, safety and ultimate empowerment are the nucleus of healthy D/S relationships. It is perhaps your choice to have a relationship in which he dictates, but dominant-submissive power exchange in general is not based on the dominant's wielding of desires over the submissive's unconditional compliance.

a healthy dynamic, from what I’ve read and feel about power exchange relationships is one where you both grow and support each other. Bring out the best in each other, make sure needs and wants are met. Where the D type is willing to learn from their mistakes and accept constructive criticism. Where the s does what the D does. Mutually beneficial. Strengthen each other.

Why are you engaging in a relationship that falls short of what you know and want?

I cancel the plans because I wouldn’t enjoy myself knowing he’s upset and going out while he’s upset, to me, shows I don’t care about his feelings. I don’t manage my emotions well when he’s upset with me. I can’t date who I want because of the D/s

Going out while he is upset shows that you know what is important for your own life and that his emotions are his emotions to manage.
Staying home because he is upset about your going out is not showing love, it is showing weak boundaries.
Staying home to appease him is a petrie dish for resentment, guilt, shame, insecurity and anxiety.
You can't date who you want to because you choose to be involved with someone who does not share your values.

 

[Christine6]

Thank you all so much. I have a lot to think about. It is a 27/7 dynamic and we live together. He’s my first and only experience with D/s. I think I let it go too fast. I made a lot of mistakes.

 

[kdt26417]

It is okay to make mistakes, just try to remember to treat yourself right. You deserve the right to go out alone and date (both) men (and women). You deserve the right to enjoy the freshness and the new conversations.

 

[GalaGirl]

You are welcome.

It's ok to realize you made some mistakes. It's also ok to decide to stop making them.

A) You can ask for changes, and if he doesn't want to change anything?
B) You can make changes for yourself. You can decide to stop participating with him. Could move on to seek a more compatible situation.
C) You can also choose to skip doing A, and jump right to doing B.

You do not have to stay in a dynamic you know deep down is unhealthy.

Galagirl

 

[ref2018]

Thank you all so much. I have a lot to think about. It is a 27/7 dynamic and we live together. He’s my first and only experience with D/s. I think I let it go too fast. I made a lot of mistakes.

You don't need his permission to stop the Ds or establish new boundaries. You are still your own person. Don't let endorphins rob you of your common sense and self esteem. There are people out there who would treat you better than this man does, and he knows it; that is why he won't "let" you date anyone.

 

[Leetah]

Also, if he refuses to calmly reach new agreements for your relationship, try not to fall for his "See! I knew you were going to leave me!" guilt trip.
All relationships end one way or another so staying to prove something to him will not help either of you.

Leetah

 

[FallenAngelina]

As Marcus has so wisely said, carrying someone else's baggage fosters their weakness and gives you a bad back.

 

[Christine6]

Leetah, that’s exactly what I was thinking. I try to be as reassuring as possible and it doesn’t seem to help much. We have the same work schedule and I think part of that is if I go out and he stays home he has an issue with it. It’s easier for me to find people etc. Female privilege he calls it. We have been having a better conversation over the last few days. He’s much more amiable when he’s talking to someone. As soon as they fall away he switches back and shuts down on me.
I seem to be seeing things through new eyes in a way over the past month or so.

 

[kdt26417]

While it's true that women in poly tend to have better luck than men at finding people to date, I would not call that "female privilege" because it's not like you are somehow causing the imbalance. If you have a date, and the person you're dating is planning on it, I think you should go on that date, you are well within your rights to do so.

 

[GalaGirl]

I try to be as reassuring as possible and it doesn’t seem to help much

Because if he's the one punching holes in his bucket? Thinking to himself that he sucks or whatever? The only one who can fix that thinking habit is HIM.

No matter how much you fill him up? It will drain away when he thinks the new "I suck" thing that he thinks.

You end up tired of filling all the time to no avail. He's never filled because he doesn't fix the old holes and he keeps on punching new ones.

We have the same work schedule and I think part of that is if I go out and he stays home he has an issue with it.

Nobody's making him stay home but him.

Even if he doesn't have a date, he can still go out and do fun stuff.

It’s easier for me to find people etc. Female privilege he calls it.

Sounds like he envies your social skills and puts it down, rather than work on developing his own social skills.

Poly dating might favor women some, but c'mon.

In the end if he is poor company to be with? Who wants to be with that? Esp if he is the never ending, never filled hole person? How is that attractive to date?

We have been having a better conversation over the last few days. He’s much more amiable when he’s talking to someone. As soon as they fall away he switches back and shuts down on me.

That is HIS behavior, HIS doing. He puts on a good show for a potential, and then goes all surly if it doesn't happen to match. This is what happens in dating -- some of them aren't gonna be runners. Bummer, but don't have to take it so hard. And also don't have to use it as reason to be all blah at you about it.

That's not female privilege. That's him being poor company.

I seem to be seeing things through new eyes in a way over the past month or so.

Well, you are allowed to change what you want as you grow and change.

If you guys have grown apart over time?

Or like you don't have that much in common any more? It is what it is.

You will have to figure out what you want to do about it, if anything.

Galagirl