Healing and Moving On?

[Promise]

Hi, everyone. Thank you for those who welcomed me! I'm in the process of learning my way around the forum and finding all of the resources. I look forward to getting to know people in the community! I have a small group of really close friends who are monogamous but understanding. They know that Hubby and I are poly and have even met the ex girlfriend - Journey.

My tribe has been wonderfully supportive during the breakup! They're amazing friends but it would be great to talk to some people who are poly and understand the way this feels. I was close friends with Journey for over a year - a year that was filled with flirting and blurring lines- until I finally told her that I have a crush on her. (With Hubby's encouragement.) She confessed that she had feelings for us both and we began dating. Long distance dating. lol. She lives six hours away. In the long run, that's what really got in the way. It's hard to explain everything, but I'll try to give a summary.

For over a year we were managing it well and found time to spend together as a couple and with my husband as a triad. They went on their dates as well. We even spent time with each other's family. It started out with plans for her to move to our area but that changed because of a family obligation. We were disappointed but dating long distance had been working so far and we felt committed to each other.

Things didn't start falling apart until she started working night shift and took on multiple jobs. At one point she was working 4 jobs. Scheduling time together was a nightmare, but there were also melt downs and bouts of insomnia and irritability with us and with her family members. Anytime I acted like I was worried about her she would get upset and tell me that I wasn't being supportive of her career goals- so I backed off even though I was really worried about her anxiety and depression.

Things got to the point that we weren't really talking about anything because simply asking her how her day was would trigger her. And anything I was going through and needed her support with was too much for her to deal with. She completely withdrew from us - and others. We started arguing because I was putting a lot of effort into helping her cope and meeting her needs - but when I brought up my needs and feelings she would have a panic attack and say that I made her feel like she's not good enough.

Eventually she broke it off a couple of months ago. We tried to stay friends but it was more than I could handle. I realized that I was still putting her needs first and ignoring my own. I kept getting mixed messages. As "just friends" she was constantly telling me how beautiful I am, how much she misses me, how much she loves me, how much she appreciates everything I did for her, etc. All the things I needed to hear while we were dating. I tried really hard to be a good friend to her but every conversation hurt I'm still in love with her.

My therapist and I agreed that I need to take a break from her. I need time to let go of our romantic hopes and dreams before I can see her as just a good friend. I also need to take the time to think about my own needs for a change and figure out what I want from this point forward. Five days ago I told her that I need some space to deal with my emotions. I'm making progress, but I still find myself thinking about her and wanting to check her social media or message her to see how she's doing! It's so hard! I'm worried about her and I want to be her friend - but right now it just hurts too much. Mutual friends have pointed out how she "takes" so much of my energy and doesn't give much support in return. It leaves me exhausted!

So that's the point that I'm at now. I'm working on dealing with the transition and the heart break. Hubby and I are focusing on each other and talking about what we want moving forward. Any advice on letting go? Anyone have any success being "just friends" after an emotional breakup?

 

[Magdlyn]

You're wise to consider going no contact for a time.

I agree with your friends. She sounds like an energy suck who doesn't give much back in return, now that her NRE has worn off.

It is very hard to let go and block an ex's social media, and stop taking their calls and texts. But it gets easier the longer you do it.

It is quite common to take a good 40 days for your emotional wounds to start to scar over. Give yourself at least that long to keep her blocked. After that time, you could attempt a friendship, but be wary. She might just want to suck you in again and the same old pattern could repeat.

I had an ex who was an emotional and spiritual vampire. It wasn't long distance. The first year was pretty wonderful. But after the first year of NRE, he also let me down. I realized he was a narcissist, a sociopath. I had to go no contact. He was driving me crazy.

After 40 days I felt fine with remaining out of contact. But at day 42 he contacted me! I met him to see what we could salvage. Turns out he still had the same draining character (no surprise). I was wondering if we could go from gf/bf to a more casual sexual relationship (sex having been great at times), or to just friends. But he actually rather horrified me all over again, and I made a complete and clean break.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Promise,

Thank you for sharing your story, you have been through a lot, and are still dealing with the pain of a breakup. Honestly, I think you're already doing the best you can to heal from this and move on. You're building a support system, seeing a therapist, and cutting contact with your ex (for the time being). A breakup is a painful loss, and there's a certain amount of pain you have to go through, you have to go through the stages of grief. The only additional advice I could suggest would be to take up a hobby or other means of occupying your time. If there's intervals where you have nothing to do, your mind will tend to return to your ex, anxiously wonder how she's doing, and sink back into the pain. You can't completely stop that from happening, but you can keep yourself occupied, to keep it down to a minimum.

I hope you will find some relief in the coming weeks.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Promise]

Oh Mags. I'm so sorry you had to go through that! Thank you for sharing your story with me. -hugs- It's such a frightening and heartbreaking experience to open your heart to someone and find out that they're unstable.

I'm a big believer that it takes courage to be kind in such a cruel world, but it sure does backfire sometimes. lol. I'm only on day 7 of no contact and today I checked her facebook page. Dumb move! I guess I have to start my count all over again.

She's been posting a lot about depression and missing someone she loves and I had to fight the urge to check on her and make sure she's ok. It's some sort of caregiver drive in me! It drives my career (teaching) and my relationships.

Hubby and I have been talking about it a lot and he has been encouraging me to spend all that energy taking care of myself for a change. I think he might be right so I'm taking a break from dating.

How did you break the habit of talking to them? We've talked to each other every single day for the past 4 years. I'm finding that breaking the habit is just as hard as letting go of the feelings.

 

[Promise]

Thank you, Kevin. The kindness of this community and the local Facebook group I found has been a huge help! I slipped up and checked on her social media today and had to fight that urge to make sure she's okay. It was definitely a mistake but I'm kind of proud of myself for not giving in and messaging her. lol. Baby steps! Thank goodness for support circles! It's a relief to find people who understand. I"m working on the hobby part next! I'm trying to convince my friend to teach me how to crochet. haha! And I've started writing again. I've been a roleplay writer for years. It feels good to be creative!

Thank you again for the support and encouragement! <3 <3

 

[kdt26417]

You're welcome. I think baby steps is the secret ingredient. If you fall off the wagon, don't beat yourself up about it, just get back on again. And even if you're still hurting inside, don't think that that means you're doing something wrong. You're going through a breakup, it's going to hurt, there's no secret way of making it stop. Hopefully it will fade little by little, but it will take a long time. And it may never completely vanish, you may always hurt a little because you miss that person. It's okay to hurt, that's part of the human experience.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

My therapist and I agreed that I need to take a break from her. I need time to let go of our romantic hopes and dreams before I can see her as just a good friend. I also need to take the time to think about my own needs for a change and figure out what I want from this point forward. Five days ago I told her that I need some space to deal with my emotions.

And maybe she just ISN'T a very good friend. You might need time to see that too.

Listen to your friends -- If this person was an energy drain and it was you doing most of the giving and you not getting much back? It sounds like it was a one way street relationship. Not a two ways street relationship.

It's ok to just plain break up. You do not HAVE to be exes and friends. It could just be exes.

It is also ok not to be over a break up in 5 days. Be ok grieving a loss. Even if you broke up for good reasons, you will grieve.

I'm only on day 7 of no contact and today I checked her facebook page. Dumb move! I guess I have to start my count all over again.

Don't call yourself dumb. You are grieving. No need to add to the load by calling yourself names. Could make it so you just cannot peek even if you wanted to -- drop her as a FB friend.

For the first stretch, you made it 7 days. Start the count over, and see if you can go longer. In time, you may find you can go for longer and longer stretches.

I don't know if this is comforting.

https://www.good.is/articles/best-comment-ever

How did you break the habit of talking to them? We've talked to each other every single day for the past 4 years. I'm finding that breaking the habit is just as hard as letting go of the feelings.

It will come in time. It's ok to miss things when you are grieving.

Hang in there.

Galagirl

 

[Magdlyn]

Oh Mags. I'm so sorry you had to go through that! Thank you for sharing your story with me. -hugs- It's such a frightening and heartbreaking experience to open your heart to someone and find out that they're unstable.

Thank you so much for your kind words and hugs. I can see you are a caring person. I am too. And narcissists often prey on kind, talented people. They benefit from your kindness, and they receive status (in their mind) from dating a talented intelligent person.

I'm not saying your ex is a narc. I can't determine that from here.

I'm a big believer that it takes courage to be kind in such a cruel world, but it sure does backfire sometimes. lol. I'm only on day 7 of no contact and today I checked her facebook page. Dumb move! I guess I have to start my count all over again.

She's been posting a lot about depression and missing someone she loves and I had to fight the urge to check on her and make sure she's ok. It's some sort of caregiver drive in me! It drives my career (teaching) and my relationships.

Hubby and I have been talking about it a lot and he has been encouraging me to spend all that energy taking care of myself for a change. I think he might be right so I'm taking a break from dating.

How did you break the habit of talking to them? We've talked to each other every single day for the past 4 years. I'm finding that breaking the habit is just as hard as letting go of the feelings.

We also were in the habit of talking every morning, and always having at least a quick good night chat. I liked that about him, that he was good at keeping in touch in between in person dates. He was on the autism spectrum, which I knew, and it made me make a lot of excuses for him. He loved his routines. He was also unable to be without an audience. I finally realized he was a narcissist, basically dead inside if he didn't have someone's attention.

As far as going no contact, I wasn't able to cut him off right away. Even after we stopped chatting, I'd check his FB, his Fetlife account. I was FB friends with the new couple he'd gotten involved in, and I'd check their accounts for "clues" too! But I was blogging about my progress here, and it was the very wise GalaGirl who helped me determine he was a sociopath and a vampire. Once I fully understood that, and had the evidence of our last disastrous repellent date, I saw through all his lies, his half truths, his shallow nature, his "word salads," his mirroring, his gaslighting, his triangulating, and it was easy to leave him in my dust.

I was extra wary of meeting another narc right away, when I was so raw, and I was also just a mess, so I stopped dating for 6 months (besides my live-in partner).

Man, soon after that breakup, I was in such a state of shock. We went to a long anticipated music festival/camping trip with my adult son. I was a wreck. What a wasted vacation that was!

 

[SenatorBinks27]

Thank you so much for your kind words and hugs. I can see you are a caring person. I am too. And narcissists often prey on kind, talented people. They benefit from your kindness, and they receive status (in their mind) from dating a talented intelligent person.

I'm not saying your ex is a narc. I can't determine that from here.



We also were in the habit of talking every morning, and always having at least a quick good night chat. I liked that about him, that he was good at keeping in touch in between in person dates. He was on the autism spectrum, which I knew, and it made me make a lot of excuses for him. He loved his routines. He was also unable to be without an audience. I finally realized he was a narcissist, basically dead inside if he didn't have someone's attention.

As far as going no contact, I wasn't able to cut him off right away. Even after we stopped chatting, I'd check his FB, his Fetlife account. I was FB friends with the new couple he'd gotten involved in, and I'd check their accounts for "clues" too! But I was blogging about my progress here, and it was the very wise GalaGirl who helped me determine he was a sociopath and a vampire. Once I fully understood that, and had the evidence of our last disastrous repellent date, I saw through all his lies, his half truths, his shallow nature, his "word salads," his mirroring, his gaslighting, his triangulating, and it was easy to leave him in my dust.

I was extra wary of meeting another narc right away, when I was so raw, and I was also just a mess, so I stopped dating for 6 months (besides my live-in partner).

Man, soon after that breakup, I was in such a state of shock. We went to a long anticipated music festival/camping trip with my adult son. I was a wreck. What a wasted vacation that was!

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT:

As someone with ASD, I just wanted to chime in and do some damage control (as the words Autism and Sociopath have often been used in the same breath to disparage those with ASD). While there are certainly many horrible people on the Spectrum, it is not indicative of ASD itself. And even if faux pas are made, most folks ince confronted with the effects will be conciliatory and try to fix/change as much as possible. While there are those who use their disability as a crutch or an excuse, half the time those douches are faking Spectrum (especially online).

People with ASD are just as varied as neurotypicals. Mags' ex was clearly toxic, and if he really has ASD he's not the only one like that. But folks with ASD are more commonly victims than abusers, so please don't let that color your percrption of a marginalized group.

/PSA

 

[Magdlyn]

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT:

As someone with ASD, I just wanted to chime in and do some damage control (as the words Autism and Sociopath have often been used in the same breath to disparage those with ASD). While there are certainly many horrible people on the Spectrum, it is not indicative of ASD itself. And even if faux pas are made, most folks ince confronted with the effects will be conciliatory and try to fix/change as much as possible. While there are those who use their disability as a crutch or an excuse, half the time those douches are faking Spectrum (especially online).

People with ASD are just as varied as neurotypicals. Mags' ex was clearly toxic, and if he really has ASD he's not the only one like that. But folks with ASD are more commonly victims than abusers, so please don't let that color your percrption of a marginalized group.

/PSA

Yes, I know that. But thanks for announcing it.

I knew he was autistic from the beginning, by his own admission. I also finally figured out he was a narcissist. It was actually another autistic person here (a nice one), as well as GG, who helped me make the distinction and break up with him.