Heartbreak

[Pigwidgeon]

Partner has broken up with me after her new monogamous partner gave her an ultimatum. I am heartbroken. Hoping others have been through similar and might have stories to share or just words of support.

Background:

I met a girl this time last year and we became great friends. In September we started having occasional sex with each other. At Christmas she also started sleeping with a guy who knew about me already. Evidently he assumed that once she got with him, she’d stop sleeping with me. When it became clear that wasn’t the case, he basically told her it was him or me. She’s gone back and forth but has chosen him.

I’ve been married for nearly 20 years, with kids. Husband monogamous. I’ve had a few relationships with other men which have run their course and ended mutually. This is my first relationship and sexual experience with a woman and it’s hitting me harder than I’ve ever experienced before. She had become part of our family.

 

[Magdlyn]

I'm sorry for your loss. Before I share my story/give support, I want to clarify:

You've been married 20 years. This means you are a person of mature years.
You are a poly woman, your husband is mono.
You occasionally date other men.
You've never "been in a relationship/had sex" with a woman before.
You met "a girl," (let's call her Jade) a year ago. You became close friends.
In September you started having "occasional sex."
In December she started seeing a guy (let's say Nick), and having sex with him.
Since then Nick has been pressuring Jade to choose him or you.
She finally chose him.

It sounds like you and Jade had a FWB thing going on-- good friendship + only occasional sex.

It also sounds like Jade prioritized hetero monogamy over a gay FWB thing. Had you and she spoken about her preferences at any time since you first became friends? Did you have the expectation that she'd keep seeing you no matter whom else she dated?

And now for my stories. As a poly woman who's been dating new people on and off for about 12 years, yes, of course I've had this happen to me several times. I have dated both men and women who seemed to be into me, who said they were not interested in monogamy, and yet dumped me to commit to a mono person/relationship. It seems that many people confuse polyamory with "playing the field" while they are (secretly perhaps) actually just looking for their Ms or Mr Right to have a mono relationship with. I even dated one guy who said not only did he not want to be mono, he never wanted to have kids, yet he dumped me to form a serious relationship with a single mom who had a young child.

So... yeah. Dating sucks sometimes. People lie, or they are self-unaware, and say one thing, only to do another.

But in your case, despite your deep (?) friendship, Jade did not meet your expectations. Please share more details about the kind of talks you two had about your "relationship" since December, and the future expectations each of you had for it. There seems to have been a disconnect.

 

[Pigwidgeon]

We have future plans for holidays with her and my family for this summer and next (which obviously won’t happen now). We both knew we could sleep with other people. She was very clear that she wanted only “casual” relationships (meaning not living in each other’s pockets, no relationship escalator stuff). She often expressed regret for sleeping with him again when she knew he wanted more than she could give and she didn’t want to hurt him. She told me that he’d told her he’d made a choice to accept me as part of her life, which I understood to mean she’d made it clear she wasn’t willing to give me up.

She wants to still be friends but I’m not sure I want to. Before we starting sleeping together, I always wanted to and was just too scared to bring it up for ages. But I always saw her with that hope/intention, when it didn’t happen we’d still have had a great time so I’d just transfer that hope to the next time. I don’t need sex/physical affection every time I see her but “just friends” isn’t going to do it for me.

 

[Magdlyn]

We have future plans for holidays with her and my family for this summer and next (which obviously won’t happen now).

We both knew we could sleep with other people. She was very clear that she wanted only “casual” relationships (meaning not living in each other’s pockets, no relationship escalator stuff). She often expressed regret for sleeping with him again, when she knew he wanted more than she could give, and she didn’t want to hurt him. She told me that he’d told her he’d made a choice to accept me as part of her life, which I understood to mean she’d made it clear she wasn’t willing to give me up.

So, she was definitely telling you one thing while dealing with a good deal of pressure to conform to our mono-hetero-normative society.

She wants to still be friends, but I’m not sure I want to.

Of course. You feel rejected, betrayed, confused, hurt.

Before we starting sleeping together, I always wanted to. I was too scared to bring it up, for ages. But I always saw her with that hope/intention. When it didn’t happen, we’d still have had a great time, so I’d just transfer the hope [of sex] to the next time. I didn’t need sex/physical affection every time I saw her, but “just friends” isn’t going to do it for me.

It's hard to go back to being platonic friends so soon after a breakup of a more romantic physical form of relationship. She feels fine. She's got her new man, and she wants to keep you as her good friend, as well. I don't think she realizes the enormity of her betrayal, to even expect you'd be fine with "just friends," though! I can see why you wouldn't want to go back to being just friends now, and probably ever.

 

[Pigwidgeon]

So, she was definitely telling you one thing while dealing with a good deal of pressure to conform to our mono-hetero-normative society.

Of course. You feel rejected, betrayed, confused, hurt.

It's hard to go back to being platonic friends so soon after a breakup of a more romantic physical form of relationship. She feels fine. She's got her new man, and she wants to keep you as her good friend, as well. I don't think she realizes the enormity of her betrayal, to even expect you'd be fine with "just friends," though! I can see why you wouldn't want to go back to being just friends now, and probably ever.

Thank you. It’s helpful just to know I’m not the only one. Speaking to friends helps a bit, but as mono people their response is often along the lines of “at least you’ve still got a husband” which does not help!! She’s not fine though, she’s gutted. It’d be easier if I felt like she just didn’t want me any more, but there’s still a lot of love between us.

 

[GalaGirl]

This is my first relationship and sexual experience with a woman and it’s hitting me harder than I’ve ever experienced before. She had become part of our family.

Understandable that it hits hard.

I'm so sorry to hear about the break up. I hope telling our story here helps you air out some.

I am glad you are talking to friends IRL, but yes.

If grandpa died, people don't say "At least you still have grandma!" They say "I'm so sorry to hear of grandpa's passing. (event) My deepest sympathies. (Acknowledging your grief.)" And then some of them add practical help like "Give me a call if you need a distraction, want me to take you to lunch, come mow the lawn so you can nap, etc."

While they probably mean it in a comforting way when they say "At least you still have husband!" it's not really acknowledging that you are grieving your exGF. Which kinda sucks. And sometimes it can be hard for a poly person with mono friends because you just want to BE sad or BE happy or whatever it is without having to educate anyone on anything poly or basic manners. So if any of that is adding to your burden, I'm so sorry.

You kinda remind me of my friend when she was dumped by her GF. The husband was meh on supporting her because he was coping with the triad breaking up another way. So no help from him when he's down too.

The mono friends and family were all "What did you expect? You were all doing that weirdo triad thing." Which adds rather than takes away from the burden.

She leaned on me a lot as one of her other poly friends who could comfort and NOT add to the burden. Like really SEE her in context. A person grieving a break up.

She wants to still be friends but I’m not sure I want to. Before we starting sleeping together, I always wanted to and was just too scared to bring it up for ages. But I always saw her with that hope/intention, when it didn’t happen we’d still have had a great time so I’d just transfer that hope to the next time. I don’t need sex/physical affection every time I see her but “just friends” isn’t going to do it for me.

It is ok to feel that way. When I've broken up, in some cases I wanted nothing to do with the person any more. In others? I was willing to be friends and exes. But the other party was not. So we ended up plain exes. When I broke up with my fav ex? We remained close for another what? 6 years before drifting down to a "holiday card exchange" type relationship that still happens decades later. Not super deep or anything. But I enjoy getting a holiday email or e-card.

It's ok for it to end up however it is going to end up in your situation. Even if she wants to be friends? If you don't? That's ok. Just be plain exes then.

And it is ok to feel sad, grieve the loss in the meanwhile.

I hope over time, you find peace and healing.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Pigwidgeon,

I'm very sorry that your partner has broken up with you. And maybe she didn't mean to treat you unfairly, but it is kind of unfair to you when she gave you every reason to believe she would not go away. And maybe her new monogamous partner didn't mean to be mean towards you, but it was kind of mean for him to hit her with that ultimatum. The bottom line is, you got the short end of the stick. Yes, she is grieving the loss of the relationship too, but surely she realizes that it was her own choices that led to that loss.

I hope you get some healing going forward.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Leander]

I feel for you. That is a sad situation.

If she still wants to be friends but you're not sure you want that, would waiting a while be ok? (And telling her you're doing that?) Things change with time, can bring forgiveness and acceptance or reveal other aspects to this you can't see now.

Thank you. It’s helpful just to know I’m not the only one. Speaking to friends helps a bit, but as mono people their response is often along the lines of “at least you’ve still got a husband” which does not help!! She’s not fine though, she’s gutted. It’d be easier if I felt like she just didn’t want me any more, but there’s still a lot of love between us.

"At least you've still got X" is also what I've heard during a couple of painful separations, sometimes with the (morally judgmental) implication I shouldn't be experiencing difficulty because I'm polyamorous. Its as if some people think polyamory offers protection against loss, loneliness and heartache. Well, it doesn't, imo. I've had the experience of devastating loss even while in the throws of NRE with an amazing new nesting partner, being excited about other wonderful partners AND fully accepting that I was better off without my previous partner. Love isn't reasonable.