Heartbroken. Girlfriend of two years broke up with me to be monogamous. So hurt.

[Dagferi]

Why is the GF's feelings valid and the OP's not?

This is one of the pitfalls of dating monogamous people. They don't always take the relationship seriously. For some it's just a placeholder until a more traditional possibility comes along.

I'm not going to search it out but we had a thread here awhile back where a woman convinced herself that her relationship with a married man couldn't go anywhere. Because of that she refused to put any effort into the relationship.

The OP put a OPP on his exgf thus removing the chance of his gf from finding a nesting partner fo herself.

He wanted her to move into his wife's house. Only be with him. The gf was stuck playing poly his way. There was no compromise. For example the OP could have offerdd sharing separate homes with both women. In another words have 2 residences. He could have allowed her to date other men who would be open to a poly marriage and remained her partner... I couldd go on and on.

 

[JacobTV]

Hi, KDT... Yes, I’m still here. Thank you for checking in on me.
I’ve wanted to reply many times to posts on here, but my heart wasn’t in it.

My main post was for sympathy, but also for a change in perspective, which I got. I get that marriage matters. That’s why I married my wife.
And I don’t treat my wife as less than. She is also very beautiful to me. I gave my girlfriend more affection because I felt that she needed it. I also wanted to, but I knew she was not used to this type of relationship so I tried very hard to let her know how loved she was. She was so concerned about being my priority and felt that would never happen. She would often say she would like to know how it feels to be the priority and that’s why we couldn’t work, and I would express they are both very inportant to me. She’s one of two women I’ve ever loved in my life. My wife takes a very small priority because we share a home, bank account, and more history. Doesn’t make the love less for my girlfriend. Just at a different stage and she couldn’t understand that.

I didn’t want her to date anyone outside because I wasn’t secure I guess. And I KNEW this would happen. She’d leave me like I was nothing and I’d be in the state I am I’m now. I don’t handle heartbreak very well.

I’m so attached to the idea that she would move in and we could be a real family. That’s what my heart wants. But I don’t think I can do this again. Im thinking it’s time to give poly up for my own piece of mind. My wife has been very understanding and allows me so much feeedom. I’m grateful to her and don’t want you all to think treating her poorly. I just had to try extra hard with my girlfriend to make her happy.

Thank you all for your support/comments/criticisms.

I am grateful for them

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Jacob, thanks for reporting back to us. I can see why you gave your girlfriend the most attention, you could tell she was going to leave you and you wanted to prevent that. It's like vinsanity said, to a mono a poly relationship is often like a placeholder. That seems to be the case here.

I think you understand poly, but your (ex-) girlfriend does not. She thinks she will always be second place to your wife. She doesn't understand that she can be at a different stage with you, and still be just as important.

Sorry to hear you feel you need to give up poly, but I don't blame you after all that has happened. I am glad to hear that the posts in this thread have been helpful to you.

 

[GalaGirl]

My wife takes a very small priority because we share a home, bank account, and more history. Doesn’t make the love less for my girlfriend. Just at a different stage and she couldn’t understand that.

So maybe another point of incompatibility. You both view the world/things in different ways.

Could stop taking this so personally and more situationally.

Breaking up is a bummer when things don't line up enough for deep compatibility. But it isn't a comment about your value or her value as people.

I didn’t want her to date anyone outside because I wasn’t secure I guess. And I KNEW this would happen. She’d leave me like I was nothing and I’d be in the state I am I’m now. I don’t handle heartbreak very well.

Could work on that. Become more resilient.

How did you KNOW? Because you knew from the start you were incompatible? If so, why keep on dating her?

Or you didn't actually KNOW? You think you got lucky to find GF? It was one of those things where you cannot believe anyone else could actually like you?

Do you have these sorts of beliefs?

I’m so attached to the idea that she would move in and we could be a real family. That’s what my heart wants. But I don’t think I can do this again. Im thinking it’s time to give poly up for my own piece of mind.

If you need to let it go for your peace of mind? Fair enough.

But could still work on beliefs the above (if they are happening) so your relationship with yourself and your relationship with wife can be a bit better.

My wife has been very understanding and allows me so much feeedom. I’m grateful to her and don’t want you all to think treating her poorly. I just had to try extra hard with my girlfriend to make her happy.

You cannot MAKE people happy. You can contribute to their well being.

If you were trying SO hard to make her happy so she doesn't leave you? That's more about your insecurity than about contributing to your GF's well being. Could work on becoming a more secure person.

Thank you all for your support/comments/criticisms.

I am grateful for them

I hope you take them in spirit intended.

I do sympathize with the break up. Those are never fun.

I think perhaps you might consider doing some work on yourself.

Whether you ultimately keep poly dating or not? Becoming a more secure person that worries less about what other people think and worries less about "making people happy" may help you enjoy YOUR quality of life a bit more.

Become a little more emotionally resilient. Life is gonna have its ups and downs. YKWIM? They become easier to take when you are resilient.

GL!
Galagirl

 

[Dagferi]

Happiness is not a a constant state. It is like a string of pearls... You take small bright moments and string them into a beautiful string of memories....

 

[vinsanity0]

The OP put a OPP on his exgf thus removing the chance of his gf from finding a nesting partner fo herself.

He wanted her to move into his wife's house. Only be with him. The gf was stuck playing poly his way. There was no compromise. For example the OP could have offerdd sharing separate homes with both women. In another words have 2 residences. He could have allowed her to date other men who would be open to a poly marriage and remained her partner... I couldd go on and on.

Why are you assuming the GF would have been happy with those alternatives?

While I agree that the OP went about things in a way I wouldn't have, I think it's likely she would have left no matter what. She wanted to be the priority, which does not fit well with poly principles (as I see them).