Heavily considering a triad

B

bt43

New member
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My wife and I have been together for almost 9 years. I won't go into detail, but in the past we've been through some things that would absolutely destroy most couples, but we always fought our way through and in the end came out stronger because of it. Right now we feel our relationship is about as strong as on can be. She is bisexual and I am straight, and recently we have begun to heavily discuss and consider bringing in another bisexual woman to have a closed triad/triangle/trinogamous (whatever you want to call it) relationship.

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Of course, we wanted to do some research, but almost everything we can find seems to be negative, and almost everything negative listed we were able to figure out just in our general discussion beforehand. We know that it could be hard in the beginning. We know that early on there could be some jealousy arise that will go away with time once we get used to the situation and it becomes the norm for us. We know we have to be completely open and honest (which the 2 of us are already that way). We know that the love and affection would need to be spread evenly, and that there possibly may be times where it might get a little lopsided, but we'd be fine as long as it didn't get out of hand. We know there would always be the possibility of 2 vs. 1 arguments, however we also realize that when 2 get into an argument, instead of taking sides, the 3rd could be an intermediary. Pretty much all the negatives we've seen listed online, we already thought of.

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It just feels like on all the websites with negative information, it feels like A) most of the information is coming from people who dove right in without giving it enough thought, and B) people like to treat relationships as something far more complex than what they really are. Is there anyone experienced in that type of situation that have some positive information or advice?
 
Good luck, I see tons of couples looking for a single bisexual woman. You'll get tons if info on this site if you do a search about triads.
 
464

No looking needed. We already have a woman who would be up for it if we decide to do it. I'm just wanting to see some positive info or advice on it. Everything I can find online is negative.
 
Well, I thought this website, of any, would be one where I wouldn't get any unnecessary comments like that one. Clearly I was wrong.
 
You need to ask yourselves why any woman (or man) would be willing to commit to a couple immediately?

The reasons usually are not good ones.

Triads the most sought after situation but with the highest failure rate. Google unicorn hunter... that is what you are doing.
 
Dagferi said:
You need to ask yourselves why any woman (or man) would be willing to commit to a couple immediately?

The reasons usually are not good ones.

Triads the most sought after situation but with the highest failure rate. Google unicorn hunter... that is what you are doing.
Click to expand...

No offense, Dagferi, but I think your reply was incredibly narrow-minded.

People seek out all kinds of relationships for all kinds of reasons. I don't believe it's our place to judge (as long as everyone involved is honest, consenting, and adult.)
 
bt43: Have you, your wife, and potential gf all read "Opening Up" by Tristian Taormino? If not, I suggest you do and discuss it all together. It may give you some idea about the pitfalls you can avoid.

Best of luck.
 
I have been successfully poly for years and years... Apart of the poly community for close to a decade. I have seen ONE triad make it . Seen dozens fail in real life.

If I count what I have seen on line I could buy a car cash if I had a dollar for every failed triad.
 
It isnt just some woman we randomly found. All I was looking for was some positive input, but obviously just everywhere else, people can't help but throw their negativity out there. Thank you for taking all of about 2 hours to make me say screw this website.
 
Might be best to talk about the triad situation you're in if you already have a partner in mind rather than triads in general. If you already know this person, talk about your situation specifically with regard to how she feels about it too. Your first post is all "me and the wife talked/feel" and nothing about the person with whom you're making this triad. Surely she has some feelings and input you can add? That you don't is going to trigger responses like those you're getting.
Unicorn hunters get flack because they tend to seek and idea rather than a multi faceted actual person. No one would be able to know from your first post that you already knew your potential triad person. Since you do, posting about this can be practice towards not being couple centric. Share what you've discussed with this third, her concerns and input. So yay you and your wife feel this way.....so what? You're already in contact with your potential third and she is now a factor too. Not sharing that is just going to come off like supeerrrr another couple centric triad mess in the making.
 
Dagferi said:
I have been successfully poly for years and years... Apart of the poly community for close to a decade. I have seen ONE triad make it . Seen dozens fail in real life.

If I count what I have seen on line I could buy a car cash if I had a dollar for every failed triad.
Click to expand...

I understand that, but the OP had done some research before posting and was looking for some perspective on the positive side of creating a triad. You started off by questioning the motives of the potential gf, without a shred of evidence to go by.
 
Hi bt43,

Sorry the feedback has been negative so far. I guess you are aware by now that the "M/F + F = MFF (hetero male, bi females)" model is largely frowned upon by much of the poly populace, even though it's a wildly popular model amongst poly newcomers. The reasons it's so frowned upon are numerous and complex, but basically boil down to concerns that the added female is going to be objectified by the original couple.

For some relatively positive-minded advice on how to avoid that pitfall, see the following article:

Ultimately, what you want to do is try to practice three-way egalitarian ideals. So, rather than deciding something as a couple and then informing the additional woman of your decision, let that woman be a part of your decisionmaking process in the first place. Let her have a say in it. Treat her as an equal.

There are various other suggestions but I won't belabor that as the article covers a lot of it. If you'll tell me more about your research so far, and about this woman who's willing to join you, I might have more ideas of stuff to suggest.

Let's talk.
 
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=70847

Threads like this one started the beginning of this month along with situations I have seen and been privy to in real life are why I said what I have said.

Usually a friend who would be interested in a couple they have known for awhile either are cowgirls who have had an eye on one of partners and want to break up their marriage. Or have fallen for ONE part of the couple but have been told it is the couple or nothing and are foolish enough to think they can fake it. An evil individual with an unknown ax to grind who just want to prove a point. Once in a blue moon someone will date one part of the couple separately but through time fall for the other partner too. Those are the triads that work.
 
That's not evidence, Dagferi. That's anecdotal, not necessarily pertaining to the OP's situation at all.

Perhaps it was the way you phrased it. Why not something more like, "Be careful and go slow. I've seen a lot of people attempt triads, and here's some of the bad things that have happened to them. Look before you leap."

That's constructive and supportive, imo.


(Sorry all. I'll stop derailing this thread now.)
 
Gee someone who has been around the block a few times. Who has FIRST HAND as in close friends and acquaintances IN REAL LIFE seen people destroy their marriages trying to unicorn hunt. I am not talking one couple I am talking MANY. Including MY PARENTS (who were lucky enough to save theirs.)

Add in failed triads or failing triad threads posted on this message board WEEKLY. I guess I am wrong.

Reminds me of the people who call my office wanting veterinary advice when I give my professional opinion. They will sometimes come back with well my friend said..my breeder said.. I googled. *facepalm* The degree I put blood, sweat and tears into, along with YEARS in practice must not mean snot since someone with little to NO experience in the subject must know more.
 
Its been mentioned before many times. We hear the bad more often because people in successful situations don't have a reason to post on an advice forum. The bad situations don't mean its always going to go bad. They're just more commonly shared.
 
You asked about pitfalls, and people are giving you honest answers. I was in a live-in FMF emotional triad, sexual vee (neither of us are bisexual) that lasted over two decades. It came to an end when our hinge died. The next triad I was in lasted less than a year. I have seen both sides.

The thing I would say is most pertinent is that people's emotions do not always follow their logic. In fact quite frequently they don't. This can be a huge stumbling block because unfortunately no one can predict exactly how he or she is going to feel until he or she tries it.

One question you might ask yourselves is when stressed, do you make decisions based on logic or based on emotion? A person can use logic to retrain emotions, but if a person bases reality on what he or she feels without the input of logic, things can get screwed in a hurry. This is what happened in my triad that lasted less than a year.

The other topic you might want to Google is "couple privilege."

I would suggest that even if you don't like the "negative" messages that some people on this board are giving, you read every thing that everyone posts. They are imparting their experiences - experience that you don't yet have. Does that mean you shouldn't try the triad? Hell no. But go in with every bit of info you can. The triad I was in that failed? It was the single most painful experience of my life - and the complete opposite of my first lengthy experience.
 
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