Helen Fisher-anthropologist.

Tonberry

New member
I think I kind of agree... I feel ORE for Rag, NRE for Sean and limerence for someone else (have felt that since before meeting Sean).
I have delayed starting a relationship with him because I feel it would be unmanageable. While I think it would be possible emotionally, I think it would be a strong back-and-forth and be exhausting. Also, I doubt I'd have enough time for that.

I still think it's possible, but I think it would involve a lot of on-off for me, focusing all of my attention and thoughts onto someone, then someone else, then the first one, etc, if I'm making sense. I would probably become overwhelmed if they were both in the same room. Too much emotion at once!

Right now, because I'm in a different stage with all three, I find it manageable (and wonderful).
 

PollyPocket

New member
"I think the the anthropologist said it best in the other thread, where almost everyone agreed...."there can be ONLY one Romantic Love at a time". "
--------------------------------------
When she described the various forms of love, I paid close attention since I had come to a new realization that like the Eskimo word for Snow, English should have 20 different words for love. As I processed her "Romantic Love" pieces over the next several weeks, I began to see how she was right. When you have that FRESH NRE, there is no possible way that you could have double the amount for 2 people. It would kill you. I mean you could have excitement about seeing a couple, but you can really have that Romantic Love for ONE. IMHO.

As far as the baggage goes, I think that Unicorns come with baggage (don't we all). I haven't intimately known a LOT, however....it seems that they have some broken pieces. It's about dealing with them somehow, I suppose. Or not. Definitely 3 is complicated!!

Here is the talk in the vid format: http://www.ted.com/talks/helen_fisher_tells_us_why_we_love_cheat.html

Good luck! P2
 
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MonoVCPHG

New member
I haven't been reading that thread, so I'm not sure what you're referring to. However, I'm hard-pressed to believe that "almost everyone" on a forum about polyamory would "agree" to that sentiment.

In her e-mial to me she was specific in Highlighting the word "intense" romantic love which I think we consider to be the NRE Phase. She also states no hard and fast can't or cannot, even experts don't deal in certainties around the topic of love...that is usually done by "self enlightment" individuals pushing an agenda or trying to justify their behaviour....Like me :).
 
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NeonKaos

Custodian
In her e-mial to me she was specific in Highlighting the word "intense" romantic love which I think we consider to be the NRE Phase. She also states no hard and fast can't or cannot, even experts don't deal in certainties around the topic of love...that is usually done by "self enlightment" individuals pushing an agenda or trying to justify their behaviour....Like me :).

I didn't see the word "intense" at all, highlighted or not, in the quote mentioned earlier in this thread. The phrase "can only" DID appear. I'm not sure what I'm expected to assume or read in to that statement, and I'm still hard-pressed to believe that most of the people on here agreed with it, "intense" NRE or not.
 
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MonoVCPHG

New member
I didn't see the word "intense" at all, highlighted or not, in the quote mentioned earlier in this thread. The phrase "can only" DID appear. I'm not sure what I'm expected to assume or read in to that statement, and I'm still hard-pressed to believe that most of the people on here agreed with it, "intense" NRE or not.

Yeah, it was in the original, just a misquote is all and I agree with you as well. I'm sure there are people who would disagree that you can only have NRE for one person at a time where as other won't....there is no certainty for sure.
 

AutumnalTone

New member
I haven't been reading that thread, so I'm not sure what you're referring to. However, I'm hard-pressed to believe that "almost everyone" on a forum about polyamory would "agree" to that sentiment.

Ditto. I don't recall reading that, though I don't read every thread in detail. I can say that I disagree with that notion wholeheartedly--my experience shows me different.
 

MonoVCPHG

New member
Here's the original email sent to me: Just for reference.

"I apologize for being so slow to respond. I am overwhelmed with work. But to answer your question briefly. I certainly think you can feel deep attachment to more than one person at a time. We see this all the time. You can be attached to your work, your family, your children, and more than one lover. The attachment system doesn't seem to focus on just one person. Same with the sex drive. You can feel lust for several people at a time. But I don't think you can feel INTENSE romantic love for more than one person at a time. This particular brain system is associated with deep and intense focus on one individual, and people tend to get quite possessive too."
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
"... I don't think you can feel INTENSE romantic love for more than one person at a time. This particular brain system is associated with deep and intense focus on one individual, and people tend to get quite possessive too."

Well, she's just wrong on that.

When I'd only known my gf 3 mos, I met a guy who seemed to meet all my qualifications for a good boyfriend. I was over the moon for him and still in NRE w my gf... I tell you, it was confusing at first! But I definitely felt NRE for 2 at once.

And while we were all feeling NRE, me for both of them, each of them for me, no one was possessive... b/c we were all poly.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Poly people can still be possessive. Not all obviously, but some.

Well, just to make the distinction, NRE does not automatically cause possessiveness in poly relationships.

I guess this Helen Fisher has not heard of compersion... i still havent made time to watch her youtubes.
 

MonoVCPHG

New member
I guess this Helen Fisher has not heard of compersion.

I agree that compersion is probably not a recognized word in anthropologiocal circles or any other scientific one as it was coined in the 70's. The concept is not mainstream and so escapes many people regardless of education.
 

redpepper

New member
I guess this Helen Fisher has not heard of compersion... .
I don't think she mentioned compersion. Although, if she did, that particular word was not used...

How does compersion relate to being in NRE with two people at once... oh! I guess because sometimes NRE pushes us to be in love, or in NRE, with one or more of our other partners again? That's not compersion though... sorry I'm confused. :confused:
 

kymberleea

New member
i watched it

very interesting video not sure if i agree but the part about never heard about the antidepressant part :D

kymberleea:eek:
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
I don't think she mentioned compersion. Although, if she did, that particular word was not used...

How does compersion relate to being in NRE with two people at once... oh! I guess because sometimes NRE pushes us to be in love, or in NRE, with one or more of our other partners again? That's not compersion though... sorry I'm confused. :confused:

No, that's not what I meant. In my scenario, I was in new hot relationships w 2 people at once. Both my my partners accepted the other and didnt begrudge each other time with me.
 

MindfulAgony

New member
Social scientists especially tend to deal with averages. And often forget in public talks to provide the appropriate nuance to their statements. So, I would guess Dr. Fisher is asserting that the average person has a hard time being in - what she calls - romantic love with more than one person at a time. Not only are we talking about persons on average, but situations on average as well. So, even an average person within a highly unusual circumstance might have an experience well outside the norm.

I have no disagreement with the notion that - on average - we can't have romantic love/NRE for more than one person at a time... while recognizing that there is variation in both people and situations which may lead to that "rule of thumb" being violated.

Overall, the TED talk resonated with me. The notion of there being three kinds of love (romantic, attachment and lust) is interesting. Doubly interesting in poly scenarios.
 

redpepper

New member
I wonder if we naturally seek out on person to have NRE with at a time. The other may just be waiting for the right moment, or maybe it becomes a love of a different kind for a time... attachment love or lust love? I don't think I have had NRE for more than one at a time. I still have NRE with Mono and it has been interesting the process of having Derby in my life now. I think I am waiting to have NRE. It doesn't diminish what I feel, just feels slower, more controlled... waiting somehow. I'm not sure how to explain it.
 

PollyPocket

New member
I have no disagreement with the notion that - on average - we can't have romantic love/NRE for more than one person at a time... while recognizing that there is variation in both people and situations which may lead to that "rule of thumb" being violated.

Overall, the TED talk resonated with me. The notion of there being three kinds of love (romantic, attachment and lust) is interesting. Doubly interesting in poly scenarios.

Yes, for me too! I can soooo see ~ as time passes ~ that the NRE might JUST be HUGE components of Lust for me!! It feels so good to touch someone new, and you can see how one's mind tricks you into thinking that it is "love" but really, for me....it is not. It took a long time to figure that out though!

I seem to have fallen into the average - about 3 months of STRONG NRE and now it is more calm. I can say "No" (to many things!). Yay!

Of all the things to be addicted to....this one would be a bitch! I hope I don't crave it again!

P2
 

AutumnalTone

New member
"I think the the anthropologist said it best in the other thread, where almost everyone agreed...."there can be ONLY one Romantic Love at a time". "
--------------------------------------
When she described the various forms of love, I paid close attention since I had come to a new realization that like the Eskimo word for Snow, English should have 20 different words for love. As I processed her "Romantic Love" pieces over the next several weeks, I began to see how she was right. When you have that FRESH NRE, there is no possible way that you could have double the amount for 2 people. It would kill you. I mean you could have excitement about seeing a couple, but you can really have that Romantic Love for ONE. IMHO.

Which is utter nonsense because I've experienced NRE for two at once without any more stress involved than going through NRE for one.

I doubt I'm much of an outlier in that regard. I suspect she came to that conclusion because of the rarity of the event of NRE hitting for two people at once.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
This thread is back. I don't even know why we polys have to debate it. What about triad relationships? Lately a lot of unicorns have been posting here, over the moon for their COUPLE. NRE. For two at once. Sheesh. Is it love? Too soon to tell. Will it crash and burn? Probably. Is it NRE for two at once? Definitely.
 

MindfulAgony

New member
This thread is back. I don't even know why we polys have to debate it. What about triad relationships? Lately a lot of unicorns have been posting here, over the moon for their COUPLE. NRE. For two at once. Sheesh. Is it love? Too soon to tell. Will it crash and burn? Probably. Is it NRE for two at once? Definitely.

I wonder if that's the best example since a couple can feel and act more like one person. The less individuated the members of the couple are (for example, never having "alone" time with the unicorn, joint communications, joint dates, etc.), the more likely you'll have this kind of NRE for the couple.

My only experience that I can relate to this is the sense of connection one can experience with a team. It has certainy felt a very much separate thing than the sense of connection to a specific individual on that team. Maybe the same dynamic is playing out with a couple-unicorn pairing. I would note that a team dynamic isnt automatic and is formed through individual interaction. So, perhaps indivuation supercedes and then that sense of team evolves from that. The hard part is that a couple may have that sense and struggle with accepting a new member to the team....

I dunno. I'm rambling now.

I tend to resonate with the notion that NRE is somewhat rarer occurance with 2 at once. Perhaps it has everything to do with the rarity of NRE generally.

I looked up this thread to find Dr. Fisher's video again. I'm experiencing classic NRE for the first time in quite some time despite the fact that I've been dating and partnering all the while in between. I thought to myself yesterday, "Wow! this is how NRE feels. I'm losing my f*ng mind."
 
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