Hello & About Me


New member
Hello! Please call me Bean. I use they/them pronouns.

I'm a non-binary nerd that's over 40, but doesn't feel it. I enjoy playing tabletop roleplaying games (D&D, Pathfinder, etc), some video games (WoW, ACNH), reading queer sci-fi and fantasy, and doing outdoorsy things like camping and hiking. I'm an avid gardener and would love to have a micro farm on my one-acre lot.

This summer/fall I'll be building a workshop, establishing some garden beds, and talking my wife into getting chickens next spring. I'm also hoping to get back into sewing this winter so I can work on a LARP/Renfaire costume.

Between all that, my wife and I are dipping our toes back into polyamory. We actually met through a poly relationship 14 years ago, but have been monogamous for the last 12 years. That initial poly relationship wasn't a great experience, aside from meeting each other, and we are both treading lightly into this new foray.

Our decision to try poly again stems from a major libido mismatch, and both having needs that we have tried and failed to meet for each other. Due to health issues and pain on her end, my wife is no longer interested in or, frankly, able to have a sexual relationship. She's also finding that she is more interested in queer-platonic relationships and relationship anarchy these days.

Meanwhile, thanks to starting testosterone as part of my transition, my already high libido has kinda gone through the roof. I'm hoping to find a way to navigate that. I'm not applying too many labels to myself yet, but I have been happy both in poly and mono relationships in the past. I'm pretty extroverted, but get tapped out easily by drama and some social anxiety, so I tend to take things slow.

We are doing a lot of reading (just finished Polysecure) and a lot of listening. (Have I downloaded all of Multiamory yet? Maybe.) Neither of us have other paramours in sight right now, but we are actively building a secure base to start from.

Anyway! I'm glad to be here and I'm looking forward to getting to know folks and chatting. It's nice to return to the forum format, as well. Feels like coming home after the rat race that is current social media.
Hey Bean,

I really appreciate your well-written and thought-out post and I am curious to find out more about you and your wife. My partner and I are new members, new to the lifestyle, and are slowly dipping our toes into the water.

I am a cis-woman and my partner is a cis-male. We both are open to all genders and non-genders as we see ourselves in others and are attracted to many varieties of people... me more than my partner, in my opinion. ha ha. My pronouns are she/her and my partner's are his/him.

I am 40 and my partner is 43. I would say that my partner and I have different sexual appetites. I do not have as high of a sex drive as he has, so I can understand a bit of what you're saying.

We live on Vancouver Island in BC, Canada. Where are you two from?

You caught my attention when you mentioned DnD and gardening, as my partner is passionate about both and I wish I were! ha ha. I enjoy playing both, but I am kept busy with the demands of my work (independent online school) and running after our 3 and a half-year old. Oh, by the way, we have a child. I'm not sure if that is a dealbreaker at all, but I thought that I would at least message you and say hi, as you seem like a cool chill person to correspond with, at the very least.

It's just after 8 am over here so I am going to lie in bed for a little while longer (my child slept over at my parents' place last night so my partner and I had the night to ourselves, which is a rare occurrence). Enjoy your day and hope to chat soon, but also, no pressure.

Hey, Ani!

Great to meet you, also. I'm so glad to meet other folks over 40 here trying things out. It's awesome to connect with folks that are in sorta the same life zone/phase.

I'm not quite ready to start dating yet, but I'm very interested in making friends and connecting over hobbies! Both you and your husband are welcome to DM me if you wanna chat gardens, tabletop, or online school. I taught in my industry briefly during Covid since I had just graduated after a big career change.

One thing I am still sorting out (hence not being ready for dating) is if kids are or aren't a dealbreaker. I love kids, but my anxiety goes through the roof around toddlers, in particular. They are super fun in low doses, which might be fine for some forms of poly. Reading about people's experiences with that here is definitely one of my interests.

I also still consider myself a lesbian, though as a non-binary person I have complex feelings about how that does or does not include people of different genders. I've been out of the dating pool since before starting my transition so I am curious to see how that affects my sexuality, if at all.

I am over on the East Coast, so I am finishing up my workday soon and looking forward to a weekend of playing in my garden and going for a hike.
Greetings Bean,

Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

You sound like a fun and interesting person. I played a lot of D&D myself back in the good old days. It sounds like this is your second foray into poly, and the first foray didn't go so well. It sounds like you are doing lots of homework this time around. Polysecure and Multiamory both come highly recommended.

I hope you are able to have a positive poly experience. If you have any lingering questions, let us know. Good luck!

Kevin T., "official greeter" :)


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Welcome aboard!
Welcome, bumblebean. Always nice to have more queers on board. ;)

As another person with a super-high libido, and a female partner who barely has one, I sympathize haha.
Hey Ani and Daddy,

Didn't want to creep on your conversation, but I searched Vancouver and your thread came up. I just signed on here. We are 40/44 from Vancouver. I used to be a DM of DnD years ago. I still have my dice, but that's about it.

Anyway, I'd love to chat. We have family on the island and go over a few times a year. Maybe we could meet for DnD fun sometime. See if you write back then we could chat more. Cheers.