I am a bisexual female who is in a long-term happy monogamous marriage with my wife in Toronto. A few months ago, 2 different female friends have independently approached us about a possible sexual relationship with us as a couple. Neither my partner nor I had seriously considered swinging or poly before and we started talking about it. We are both interested in continuing to explore our sexuality individually and as a couple, but we don’t want to blunder in unprepared. We’ve been reading some of the published literature and I wonder if I lean more poly since I may need at least some degree of emotional attachment (I’ve never had any casual hook-ups but did enjoy friends with benefits), although I think it might be fascinating to watch a sex party. We have also talked about exploring the BDSM world (I find the art of Shibari absolutely beautiful). I’m very much looking forward to more discovery.
Hello everyone. I’m Phoenix
- Thread starter phoenix
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Greetings phoenix,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.
Spend some time reading and posting on our various boards, Poly Relationships Corner is particularly helpful. It does sound like you lean in the poly direction (FWB is kind of in the gray area between poly and swing), have a talk with your wife and see if she also prefers (or at least tolerates) poly.
Good luck and I hope we can help!
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"
Notes:
There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!
Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.
Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.
If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.
Welcome aboard!
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.
Spend some time reading and posting on our various boards, Poly Relationships Corner is particularly helpful. It does sound like you lean in the poly direction (FWB is kind of in the gray area between poly and swing), have a talk with your wife and see if she also prefers (or at least tolerates) poly.
Good luck and I hope we can help!
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"
Notes:
There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!
Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.
Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.
If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.
Welcome aboard!
It sounds like they just want a sex-only encounter or two. Be aware that these can be fun, or go horribly wrong! It's nothing like porn lol
Good. Please read the book Opening Up, by Tristan Taormino. It explores all the common missteps people new to ethical non-monogamy make, whether you decide to do swinging or poly, or both.
Most people want a long-term relationship with some affection. Casual one night hookups can be common for very young people who are wary of commitment, or older people who are emotionally immature. I've never been into that, as I want to actually cuddle, talk to and learn about my partners. Also, while some people can just get in bed to get their rocks off, get dressed and leave, it can leave one feeling empty and lonely after a while.
Obviously, since you are already in a committed relationship, you want to be careful not to mess up one good thing by experimenting without doing some preparation.
You can go to swing clubs and just observe.
Many of our members here enjoy kinks or D/s.
Thank you Magdlyn for your very thoughtful responses. We actually started our exploration with Taormino’s book and found it extremely informative. Through your forum we have already found a local poly group that appears mindfully run and has a strong focus on respect and education. I think this will be our next step (along with a Shibari workshop 
). I look forward to meeting others who are openly exploring their complete humanity.
). I look forward to meeting others who are openly exploring their complete humanity.
Oh good. When you began by just saying a couple of friends just randomly hit on you two for threeway sex (and maybe just sex, not an actual relationship with either one of you as individuals), I didn't get the impression you knew much more about ENM than that. It's sounds like you're on the right track.Thank you Magdlyn for your very thoughtful responses. We actually started our exploration with Taormino’s book and found it extremely informative. Through your forum we have already found a local poly group that appears mindfully run and has a strong focus on respect and education. I think this will be our next step (along with a Shibari workshop
Yes Magdlyn, you are right. When we were approached by our two friends separately we knew almost nothing about ENM. One of our friends who approached us (and her partner) had been considering polyamory for awhile but she remains monogamous at present as she and her partner determine their best way forward. She has expressed that she is still interested in us when they are ready to pursue polyamorous relationships. We do worry that her partner might be an NRE junkie since they were a serial monogamist previously. The other friend who approached us is part of a hook-up culture at large events in agreement with her husband who is monogamous (she identifies as strongly lesbian and her partner is a transgender man…..they met as women). That arrangement existed before they got married so everything is in the open between them. Both friends are very knowledgeable and careful about safer sex. So, with all that, we felt very popular but scared out of our minds since both of these dynamics seem complicated. I didn’t think it was common or likely for someone to be part of a triad right off the bat in polyamory and have it work, but maybe we are different since these are friends who know us already???? Your opinion on this would be welcome.
You are wise to be wary of triads. They are the hardest kind of relationship structure to navigate and, in the opinion of most, should never be attempted by people new to polyamory. Yet, they get the most attention in mainstream media, since sex threesomes are a common fantasy/porn subject.
However, triads are 3 Vs stacked up. Every lover of yours is also your metamour!
Let's call your nesting partner Jo. And one of the women who hit on you as a couple could be Jax. We'd have:
Jo + Jax
You + Jo
You + Jax
and then all 3 of you together. That is not one relationship. It's 4! So many moving parts. What if your first sex threeway was fun, but after another time or two, you aren't feeling it for whatever reason, and want to bow out. Maybe you stay in it not to rock the boat, thereby betraying yourself. Or maybe you tell them you're bowing out. Will that mean Jo will be expected to stop playing with Jax too? Or will Jax dip, since she just wants 3way sex, not a one-on-one with anybody? Etc. It gets complicated real fast, and hurt feelings usually ensue, if not heartbreak.
You and Jo would be better off dating others as individuals. Or you can date polyamorously and Jo can go do casual sex on her own. Or you can go watch a swing event, or participate in one as a couple, without establishing real relationships with anyone, IF you can stomach that.
If you want to do shibari, and Jo doesn't, you could maybe find an experienced rigger for just that activity alone (no sex). They'd be a platonic friend that you share a hobby with.
Those are just some examples of how to proceed.
However, triads are 3 Vs stacked up. Every lover of yours is also your metamour!
Let's call your nesting partner Jo. And one of the women who hit on you as a couple could be Jax. We'd have:
Jo + Jax
You + Jo
You + Jax
and then all 3 of you together. That is not one relationship. It's 4! So many moving parts. What if your first sex threeway was fun, but after another time or two, you aren't feeling it for whatever reason, and want to bow out. Maybe you stay in it not to rock the boat, thereby betraying yourself. Or maybe you tell them you're bowing out. Will that mean Jo will be expected to stop playing with Jax too? Or will Jax dip, since she just wants 3way sex, not a one-on-one with anybody? Etc. It gets complicated real fast, and hurt feelings usually ensue, if not heartbreak.
You and Jo would be better off dating others as individuals. Or you can date polyamorously and Jo can go do casual sex on her own. Or you can go watch a swing event, or participate in one as a couple, without establishing real relationships with anyone, IF you can stomach that.
If you want to do shibari, and Jo doesn't, you could maybe find an experienced rigger for just that activity alone (no sex). They'd be a platonic friend that you share a hobby with.
Those are just some examples of how to proceed.