Hello Forum, New to poly after 13 years of marriage

Al99

Active member
Others more experienced that I can add more, but from what I know, it's rare for a long time couple to suddenly switch into this kink dynamic. You'd be in the vast minority if you were able to switch into D/S with your wife for more than a few tries. Yes, you can read up on it, buy equipment and costumes, but don't feel as if you've failed if it doesn't work out. Many people try it and find that the marriage has a very different energy than the power exchange relationship one of them has in mind. That well established marriage energy is near impossible to override. This is why it often feels much more natural and desirable for one of the mates to have a D/S relationship with someone else.

I am far from an authority on this also - but my wife and I (neither of us previously into kink) found this observation to be essentially true in our case - when we decided to experiment with kink for a bit. We just could not really obtain a D/s energy (either way) - because of the overriding marital power balance dynamics, even though we got the toys, and played out the scenes.

Al
 

icesong

Member
I've written about that inability to shift too, in my blog - Knight and I can do physical kinky things sometimes, rarely, but not D/s power exchange at all.
 

Mzill

New member
Thank you all. I will certainly try to learn more. It is interesting to me to add this dynamic into a sensitive situation.

I mentioned to the therapist we have a role reversal already in place with her the type a workaholic career driven one and me the stay at home and manage the chores and farm. She immediately realized this adds a dynamic to the situation. But we ran out of time to explore that more.

Overall. The pause has me hopeful as well as therapy. It was quite a gesture and I'd like to use it well.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
It sounds like things are going pretty well, that is good to hear.
 

BrokenArrow

Member
Hey Mzill,
So much of your post rang true for me. I feel like you're taking it much better than I did but, you've read my thread. Thanks for the link, by the way. I'll check it out when I have a little more time on my hands.
I'm still feeling the occasional pangs of jealousy. How are you doing with that?

We have begun to speak with a therapist, but my wife is having trouble trusting the therapist, as she seemed to "take my side" too often.

That seems to be a running theme. Spitfire has made me promise that when we start therapy that she has the right to quit and find a new one if she doesn't like them. Given our couples counseling in the past where she felt like it was too one sided, it's conceivable that this is the same reason. Maybe you just need to let her find one that she likes. Or maybe you've got the right idea and I'm just being too noncommittal.

i have shut down at times, i have felt amazing at times, only to be mad at myself or guilty for falling back into fear and anxiety about the unknown. I want my wife to be happy, so i feel guilty for not being able to get to a place of comfort about her meetup fast enough.

I feel you. I'm at a pretty steady place right now but I went through some times where I straight up could not function as a normal human being. It seems like it's a pretty standard thing to experience. I've seen that story pop up a few times around here.

Sometimes I have no frame of reference as to whether or not my concerns are based in reality or just dark insecure corners. I don't have a lot of insecurity that I was aware of. I'm not so naive as to say there's none.

It's crazy what a total restructure of your core beliefs can do to you. I thought I was doing great. I thought I had beat vanity back in college. I was happy with who I was. Then all of a sudden I hate the guy I see in the mirror. I'm jealous of my wife's time and hoard it like it's a pile of gold (it may very well be). I have angry and scared thoughts that I didn't know I was capable of. Also I was lonelier than I'd ever been in my whole life. Opening up my feelings more to Spitfire really helped me. So did dumping my feelings all over this site. I'm not saying I'm out of the woods or that what worked for me will help you but...

if you need someone to talk to, even if they're just there to listen(or read in this case) I'd be happy to be an open set of eyes. Take care of yourself and best of luck!

-BrokenArrow
 

vinsanity0

Active member
Others more experienced that I can add more, but from what I know, it's rare for a long time couple to suddenly switch into this kink dynamic. You'd be in the vast minority if you were able to switch into D/S with your wife for more than a few tries. Yes, you can read up on it, buy equipment and costumes, but don't feel as if you've failed if it doesn't work out. Many people try it and find that the marriage has a very different energy than the power exchange relationship one of them has in mind. That well established marriage energy is near impossible to override. This is why it often feels much more natural and desirable for one of the mates to have a D/S relationship with someone else.

I think this is all true. It's my experience, from observing others, it can be difficult to assume a role if it's not really a part of who you are. I think this is especially true with Dominants. It's a little easier to be a sub because you are not the one in control.

In the case of my vanilla marriage, I was already an experienced Dom. My wife wasn't submissive at all, but was willing to give it a shot. She didn't like it. I didn't really like it either because that was never our dynamic.

It makes perfect sense to me that someone who is interested in being submissive would be more comfortable letting go with someone who is a more experienced Dom. They have no history as a vanilla couple.

I once dated a married woman whose husband was a Dom. She had been vanilla but developed an interest. He had no interest in domming her though. It did seem strange to me at the time. He was definitely missing out...lol

All of this to say there is more at play than what appears to be on the surface.
 

Mzill

New member
Hey Mzill,
So much of your post rang true for me. I feel like you're taking it much better than I did but, you've read my thread. Thanks for the link, by the way. I'll check it out when I have a little more time on my hands.
I'm still feeling the occasional pangs of jealousy. How are you doing with that?



That seems to be a running theme. Spitfire has made me promise that when we start therapy that she has the right to quit and find a new one if she doesn't like them. Given our couples counseling in the past where she felt like it was too one sided, it's conceivable that this is the same reason. Maybe you just need to let her find one that she likes. Or maybe you've got the right idea and I'm just being too noncommittal.



I feel you. I'm at a pretty steady place right now but I went through some times where I straight up could not function as a normal human being. It seems like it's a pretty standard thing to experience. I've seen that story pop up a few times around here.



It's crazy what a total restructure of your core beliefs can do to you. I thought I was doing great. I thought I had beat vanity back in college. I was happy with who I was. Then all of a sudden I hate the guy I see in the mirror. I'm jealous of my wife's time and hoard it like it's a pile of gold (it may very well be). I have angry and scared thoughts that I didn't know I was capable of. Also I was lonelier than I'd ever been in my whole life. Opening up my feelings more to Spitfire really helped me. So did dumping my feelings all over this site. I'm not saying I'm out of the woods or that what worked for me will help you but...

if you need someone to talk to, even if they're just there to listen(or read in this case) I'd be happy to be an open set of eyes. Take care of yourself and best of luck!

-BrokenArrow

Hey Broken Arrow
Jealousy is still the worst emotion running around, along with a slight lack of trust. The trust is growing with better communication. And its not like my wife is lying so much, its just that she seems embarrassed to share certain things up to now, so i hope we are beyond that phase. I find the more i know, the better i feel. i think shes learning that too. and the Therapist is helping as well.

one thing that bothered me, one of the guys (Ryan the Dom), kept reaching out to her after she "broke contact". apparently the last time he told my wife that she would cheat on me with one of the guys, would it be him or the other guy or both? My wife says she understands why he said this. I told her i thought that was a really lame thing to say and I hope its enough for her to not want to reach out to him in the future. and stop answering him! you dont have to answer texts just because they come!

One reason she supposedly likes this idea of D/S is the rules and respect and trust. this seems to me like a breakdown of that trust and respect, hes a married guy in a poly relationship (supposedly) so why is he now ok with "cheating?" thats not respectful, nor does it abide by the rules set forth by all parties. Im at least encouraged she shared this with me.

I dont know the next step: i guess i need to let the trust fully develop w time, work on the clear communication needed, and work on my own jealousy issues. so easy;)
 

BrokenArrow

Member
kept reaching out to her after she "broke contact". apparently the last time he told my wife that she would cheat on me with one of the guys, would it be him or the other guy or both?

That guy sounds like a fucking douche! I hope your wife sees what a huge red red flag that question is in any setting.

I'm glad to hear that things are improving. I'm seeing a bit of that myself though I had a trust backslide this morning. Are you finding that weird little things are suddenly very important and topple your whole day?

Myself, I'm not worrying too much about the next step. I'm still trying to find my footing on the step I'm on. In my opinion, that's okay. Everyone keeps saying to take your time. Well fuck. I'm going to take my time and move at my pace. If Spitfire needs me to slow down even more, I will gladly.

Speeding things up, though? I'd rather take my time and try to get it right than rush through and ruin everything.

I just need to say, I am for sure not qualified to give you advice. I can just hear your side and tell you my side so you can compare. Hope it helps.
 
Top