Hello Forum, New to poly after 13 years of marriage

Mzill

New member
Hello,

Me: 39 yr old Male, straightish (who knows, everything seems possible these days)
Wife: 40yr old female, straitish

My Wife and I have been married for 13 yrs and recently had a 3 some with a woman we both very much enjoyed. The idea of polyamory or open relationship was not new, and after some thought we have decided to give it a try officially.

Its hard! and Fun! and weird! and not weird! I have been shocked by range of emotions felt, but also very encouraged by the incredible growth in communication, love, and trust, which I already thought was abnormally strong.

The beginning has been a bit surprising for me. My wife decided to look into online flirting during covid, and has found a few people she would now like to meet. I have found myself a bit more jealous than expected, but Im eager to work through the emotions and learn. Its all part of the experience, just gathering as many tools as I can to make the journey go as smooth as possible.

this site has been helpful, so I figured I'd join and say hello and Thank You.

Lastly, I am pretty surprised at the lack of mention of the Spike Jones film "Her" in poly stuff i have read so far. I think this film was what really made me understand the idea that love is not finite, and that loving more than my partner, or her loving others, does not subtract from our love, but can in fact enhance it.

so a quote from "Her" that helped my brain click over
Samantha : The heart is not like a box that gets filled up; it expands in size the more you love. I'm different from you. This doesn't make me love you any less. It actually makes me love you more.
 

vinsanity0

Active member
Welcome to the forums.

I think I've seen that movie, but watched it more for the AI aspect. I'll have to rewatch it now.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Greetings Mzill,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Polyamory can be a very challenging type of relationship, but also tends to be very worth it. In case it might help, here's a few links on dealing with jealousy:

I saw the movie Her, a few years ago, it was a really good movie, and definitely questioned the normativism of monogamy, as well as questions about AI and emotional involvement. Great movie, I'd gladly watch it again.

Good to have you with us, let us know if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 

hedgehog

New member
Hello,

Me: 39 yr old Male, straightish (who knows, everything seems possible these days)
Wife: 40yr old female, straitish

My Wife and I have been married for 13 yrs and recently had a 3 some with a woman we both very much enjoyed. The idea of polyamory or open relationship was not new, and after some thought we have decided to give it a try officially.

Its hard! and Fun! and weird! and not weird! I have been shocked by range of emotions felt, but also very encouraged by the incredible growth in communication, love, and trust, which I already thought was abnormally strong.

The beginning has been a bit surprising for me. My wife decided to look into online flirting during covid, and has found a few people she would now like to meet. I have found myself a bit more jealous than expected, but Im eager to work through the emotions and learn. Its all part of the experience, just gathering as many tools as I can to make the journey go as smooth as possible.

this site has been helpful, so I figured I'd join and say hello and Thank You.

Lastly, I am pretty surprised at the lack of mention of the Spike Jones film "Her" in poly stuff i have read so far. I think this film was what really made me understand the idea that love is not finite, and that loving more than my partner, or her loving others, does not subtract from our love, but can in fact enhance it.

so a quote from "Her" that helped my brain click over
Samantha : The heart is not like a box that gets filled up; it expands in size the more you love. I'm different from you. This doesn't make me love you any less. It actually makes me love you more.
Good post. Glad things are working out and expanding your boundaries and life experience. I imagine everyone here has also seen or is at least aware of Professor Marston and the Wonder Women. Another one that includes a relationship triangle is Savages ( 2012 )
 

TXretired

Member
Welcome

Poly for SW and myself has been awesome. Ups, downs, way down, back to ups. Life with SW Had blossomed. It takes work from all parties enrolled. Enjoy your journey. This is a great group.
 

Mzill

New member
Thanks again,
Ive read through the majority of the resources given, but im still battling with some jealousy and trust issues. I find working through things academically is a lot easier than when an actual trigger comes up. still lots to learn on dealing with my emotions i guess.

We have begun to speak with a therapist, but my wife is having trouble trusting the therapist, as she seemed to "take my side" too often. I dont think there are sides, just some situations where we rushed ahead without proper communication and made mistakes, both of us.

Its been pretty exhausting, i have no energy or time to maintain any other relationships right now, its even hard to remember to take care of myself properly at the moment.

hoping to get back to those highs soon
 

FallenAngelina

Active member
She had quite a few partners .. lol.

Yes, she reveals that toward the end and Theodore is rather crushed. He goes on to understand her point about how love expands, but he ultimately forms a one on one (a "real") attachment with a human. I guess the film brings up some poly ideas, but it's not exactly a film about poly relationships. OP, we have film, TV and media-dedicated threads in which you can find more recommendations.
 

Al99

Active member
Hi Mzill - and a somewhat belated welcome to the Forum! We will look forward to hearing more of your story as it unfolds. Please continue to feel free to join in the conversation - and thanks for the film recommendation.

You mentioned that poly/open was not a new idea to you, so I don't know how much you've research you have done. I found that for me, the more I learned, the easier it was to accept the poly concept and to dismiss the jealousy.

Here's a list of some of the best poly websites that you might find interesting:

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=108191

Again, welcome!

Al
 

Mzill

New member
Hi Al99,

I have read Sex at dawn and Ethical Slut. I have read most of the commonly linked articles about jealousy. The Poly Hell article really hit home for me.

Its interesting, I think i have come to terms with my wife having sexual relations w another man, the parts that triggered me were the timing (like 2-3 weeks and during covid a suggested meeting? weird, plus some other complicated issues), the introduction of a dom/sub dynamic when my wife has shown no previous indications toward kink, and desiring to explore that with a stranger, without really asking me a thing about it, the newness of online dating, and our inability to communicate well about expectations, guidelines, limits and more i dont even know to consider yet.

i think what we had was often called a "false start", we are each having some vision of the next step, meanwhile that is not really what the other thought would happen next. we had talked about sex parties, courses, tantric missions, or just dinner with a poly couple to ask questions, things to explore the lifestyle together, figure out what we desire out of it, what the possibilities were. then all of the sudden i find her immersed into a solo mission on Feeld meeting DOMs which i had very little idea was happening until it was already time to be ready to meet.... "poly hell" is what i found myself in. That article perfectly describes my defense mechanisms and how i felt.

i know none of this was done maliciously or on purpose, it was simply a case of we dont know what we dont know. she got caught up in the NRE and attention, and we didnt understand how much to talk about what she was doing and feeling, what she wanted, and when. nor about my confusions and jealousy, how to address them in a healthy way, and how to keep me feeling like i had some amount of involvement and control. we just had a lot of layers fall on top of one another, adding to the complexity, and we didnt quite have all of the tools to rush to the next step.

i have shut down at times, i have felt amazing at times, only to be mad at myself or guilty for falling back into fear and anxiety about the unknown. I want my wife to be happy, so i feel guilty for not being able to get to a place of comfort about her meetup fast enough. some days i feel i have the vision in sight, and some days i cant remember why i ever had sexy dreams about my wife with another man... its been a confusing range...;)

Reading through your experiences (AL99) has been very helpful. every day i learn more about poly it becomes more normal. Thanks for sharing

My wife decided to call off her 2 online relationships for now, not for good, just until we can decide whats next. this made me feel better, as i was felling very rushed to deal with my issues, and when half the time your lizard brain is shutting off and refusing to be rational, i was finding the rush added another layer.

lastly, i have no desire to control my wife's choices, i just want to comprehend the reasons behind them and fully understand all of the elements before consenting. if what she desires is to have a dom/sub relationship some day, i would like for her to one day enjoy that, and i will do as much work as it takes to get us there.

thanks everyone for the kind words
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
I have to say, I am somewhat alarmed that your wife desired to explore a Dom/sub dynamic with a stranger, without really asking you a thing about it. That is definitely a red flag. Before you delve any deeper into poly, you need to find out why she did that to you -- why you can't be the first (only?) to be in a Dom/sub dynamic with her. I don't mean to blow the whole thing out of the water, I just mean it's a point of concern.
 

Mzill

New member
I have to say, I am somewhat alarmed that your wife desired to explore a Dom/sub dynamic with a stranger, without really asking you a thing about it. That is definitely a red flag. Before you delve any deeper into poly, you need to find out why she did that to you -- why you can't be the first (only?) to be in a Dom/sub dynamic with her. I don't mean to blow the whole thing out of the water, I just mean it's a point of concern.

Once I found out she desired that I ordered toys and did immediate research. We have now explored this a few times, and while I enjoy elements, its hard to train and punish your wife when its new.. im eager to try..
but yes. This was a red flag for me. She says she's not sure about the dom sub part but certainly curious. They did already have a safe word I guess? Before I knew what that meant. She said she didn't think they'd jump right into that. I'm not so sure that's realistic... not after playing a certain role to some degree online. I really don't know...

We are speaking w a poly specific couples therapist weds and exploring that topic w her.
 

Mzill

New member
Also. Thanks for your input. Sometimes I have no frame of reference as to whether or not my concerns are based in reality or just dark insecure corners. I don't have a lot of insecurity that I was aware of. I'm not so naive as to say there's none.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Okay, it sounds like you guys are addressing that concern. I think it's really good that you have a poly-friendly therapist, that will help you to work out a lot of the problems you do/will encounter. Keep us posted, and carry on.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
I posted before I saw your other post ... :)

Yeah, I didn't know if that concern was something you had already addressed, but I thought it was worth mentioning just in case. It sounds like your wife is mostly just mulling the idea over, she hasn't decided yet and maybe it just didn't occur to her to come to you first.
 

Mzill

New member
I posted before I saw your other post ... :)

Yeah, I didn't know if that concern was something you had already addressed, but I thought it was worth mentioning just in case. It sounds like your wife is mostly just mulling the idea over, she hasn't decided yet and maybe it just didn't occur to her to come to you first.

To be clear, she would have met one of them 2 weeks ago if the red flag didn't go up. Without really addressing that potential at all as far as I know. I had to ask to know more, contemplated the reality of things, then I said I'm sorry, I'm not ready yet, and asked her to delay the visit some. I spent 2 weeks trying to dissolve my jealousy to allow the visit.. Then i kind of had a breakdown friday and saturday. Just Sunday my wife finally put a pause on things with the 2 guys to give us space to work on our stuff without outside influence, and Monday we decided to see a therapist this week to address some of these topics.
 
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FallenAngelina

Active member
Once I found out she desired that I ordered toys and did immediate research. We have now explored this a few times, and while I enjoy elements, its hard to train and punish your wife when its new.

Others more experienced that I can add more, but from what I know, it's rare for a long time couple to suddenly switch into this kink dynamic. You'd be in the vast minority if you were able to switch into D/S with your wife for more than a few tries. Yes, you can read up on it, buy equipment and costumes, but don't feel as if you've failed if it doesn't work out. Many people try it and find that the marriage has a very different energy than the power exchange relationship one of them has in mind. That well established marriage energy is near impossible to override. This is why it often feels much more natural and desirable for one of the mates to have a D/S relationship with someone else.
 
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Magdlyn

Well-known member
It's interesting. I think I have come to terms with my wife having sexual relations with another man.

The parts that triggered me were:

- The timing. Within 2-3 weeks, and during Covid, suggesting a meeting? This was weird.

- The introduction of a Dom/sub dynamic, when my wife has shown no previous indications toward kink. She desired to explore that with a stranger, without really asking me a thing about it beforehand.

- The newness of online dating, and our inability to communicate well about expectations, guidelines, limits, and more I don't even know how to consider yet.

I think we had a false start. We each had a vision of the next step, but it was not really what the other thought would happen next. We had talked about sex parties, courses, tantria, or just dinner with a poly couple to ask questions, things to explore the lifestyle together, figure out what we desire out of it, what the possibilities were.

Then, all of a sudden, I find her immersed in a solo mission on Feeld, meeting Doms. I had very little idea this was happening until it was already time to meet. "Poly hell" is what i found myself in. That article perfectly describes my defense mechanisms, and how I felt.

I know none of this was done maliciously or on purpose. It was simply a case of: we don't know what we don't know. She got caught up in the NRE and attention, and we didn't understand how much to talk about what she was doing and feeling, what she wanted, and when.

We didn't talk about my confusions and jealousy, how to address them in a healthy way, and how to keep me feeling like i had some amount of involvement and control. We just had a lot of layers fall on top of one another, adding to the complexity, and we didn't have all of the tools to rush to the next step.

I have shut down at times; I have felt amazing at times, only to be mad at myself or guilty for falling back into fear and anxiety about the unknown. I want my wife to be happy, so I feel guilty for not being able to get to a place of comfort about her meetup fast enough. Some days I have the vision in sight, and some days I can't remember why I ever had sexy dreams about my wife with another man. It's been a confusing range.

My wife decided to call off her 2 online relationships for now, not for good, just until we can decide what's next. This made me feel better, as I was feeling very rushed to deal with my issues. When half the time, your lizard brain is shutting off and refusing to be rational, I was finding the rush added another layer.

I have no desire to control my wife's choices, i just want to comprehend the reasons behind them and fully understand all of the elements before consenting. If what she desires is to have a Dom/sub relationship some day, I would like for her to enjoy that one day. I will do as much work as it takes to get us there.

I reread this post, editing along the way. I'm glad your wife has seen how she was rushing into things. Besides your discomfort with the speed of change, she's a newbie to poly and D/s too, and could make mistakes out of ignorance, that could also hurt other people along the way.

I have had several men on Fetlife offer to meet me during the pandemic! Both established occasional partners (who have not been as isolated as I have) and new guys. I turned them down.

Personally, I am not going to meet with anyone until there is a vaccine or at least widespread testing and tracking. The US is still highly overrun with the virus. My state of Massachusetts has had the most reduction of numbers of all the states, but we still have Covid patients in hallways in hospitals. There are enough beds, but not enough actual rooms!
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Hi Mzill,

I really think your wife should have informed you that she was thinking about Dom/sub before she actually started making plans. That was somewhat dishonest of her. I still think there's something weird about this whole D/s thing, like it's an area she doesn't want you to visit. You said you tried D/s a little bit, but as it turns out it sounds like it was kind of awkward. I wonder if that is, in part, because your wife didn't want you to have that with her. Like the excitement of having it with a stranger was preferable to her. Forbidden fruit. It's just something that can happen in a poly situation. :(

I'm hopeful that your session with a therapist can help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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