hello from a hesitant polyam in Kentucky

M

mrd6582

New member
good afternoon everyone. first time posting here.

i'm a 40-something poly fella who was monogamous until just a few years ago. finding polyamory felt like the key to some kind of happiness for the back 9 of my life following a divorce. my first poly relationship was perfectly lovely until it fell apart. i've really only dated casually since then, until recently, when i started seeing someone a couple of months ago.

what i'm finding recently is that i feel like i'm giving a lot but not getting much from being polyamorous. not because of anyone's shortcomings--i have very little to say negatively regarding anyone i've dated--but because of maybe how i interact socially, or because of how the polyamory scene is locally, or maybe how it is for cis males generally. i feel like this may be a common experience for polyam guys, but i only have local experience so i'm not sure.

anyway, i've been really looking for community recently, and i hope to find it here. bless y'all.
 
Greetings mrd6582,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Hopefully Polyamory.com will be a nurturing community for you, we are here to help. I feel bad that you have had to do more give than take when it comes to polyamory. It's true that men often find it harder to find willing partners than women, although that is a complex subject. Anyway, I hope you can make yourself at home in this website.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

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Welcome aboard!
 
When you say you are giving a lot but not getting very much, can you clarify what you mean? It's a bit unclear. If you can let us know what's actually happening, perhaps we can lend some insight or even advice.
 
Evie said:
When you say you are giving a lot but not getting very much, can you clarify what you mean? It's a bit unclear. If you can let us know what's actually happening, perhaps we can lend some insight or even advice.
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i've been polyamorous since early 2023, and in that time i've been in two relationships and also dated a fair bit.

in my first relationship, i always joked with my partner that she could get a date by walking out onto her front porch and whispering into the wind that she was available for the weekend, and if my life depended on finding a date by this time next month, i'd just start saying my goodbyes. it was a joke but also pretty much true. she didn't date a *ton* outside of our relationship, and her other partner, but she could pretty much find whatever she wanted whenever she wanted it. in the year and a half we were together, i went on about 3 dates, none of which went anywhere at the time (though a couple of them did turn into something later on, after that relationship was over).

my current relationship is very similar. i've been seeing a girl for about 6 weeks, and she's had...i guess 7 dates in that time, outside of me, and i've had one.

again, none of this is to slight either of these lovely women. there have been instances with both where i felt *slightly* manipulated to keep me from other opportunities, but as weird as it might sound to say, nothing that felt toxic--none of us are perfect, we're all capable of being a little territorial, and i haven't really felt with either person that they're being unfair. it's more about schedules and opportunity and that sort of thing.

however, the fact that no one is to blame doesn't make it any easier to take. if you see your partner's dance card constantly filling up while you sit on the sidelines, you start questioning the lifestyle pretty quickly, especially when it seems like the norm rather than an anomalous period.
 
Thanks for elaborating. So have I understood...? You see yourself "giving" your dating partner (and were "giving" your ex) time with other people but you aren't "getting" time with others yourself?

And this is largely around scheduling of time together when it comes to the giving? But around success in meeting new people to date when it comes to getting. So, apples and oranges.

Obviously, any partner isn't yours to "give" so I am expecting you mean that you are giving your time that you could see them away so they can schedule with someone else. Do you sacrifice your time like this a bit too much? Or were your expectations around poly dating a mismatch with hers in the first place? Do you seek a partner to fill your leisure time or do you have other personal hobbies and friend groups that you also spend time on or with?

What have you got going on outside of potential romantic relationships that's going to attract like minded women to want to date you? Because people with the fullest lives also tend to have the fullest dance cards 😀
 
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