Hello from me, and a little bit of our story.

zigzag

New member
Hi,

I'm the male part of a couple who's wife "F" has entered into a loving poly relationship.

We are both in our early 50s, been sweethearts since school and married for 32 years. We are both still very fit and active. We have been monogamous for all our lives apart from one incident of straying by me over 10 years ago, that was painful but ultimately dealt with. I have always known that my partner was very special and I always felt had more to give.

A few years ago we moved into a new community and then just over two years ago met a single seperated man "M", who over two years became very close. He had had a rough time due to the financial crisis and his family let him down. Over a period he became like a second family to us with us making sure he was looked after if he was unwell, organising birthday parties etc.

A few months ago this close relationship became physical. It was not planned, just sort of happened, and seemed like a natural next step. While we remain living separately, we have regular "family" days where we cook, watch tv, walk, shop together etc and sleep together.

The physical side works in two ways, sometimes its the 3 of us together, and sometimes its just F and M together. I am learning, slowly, to share her. I have found Franklin Veaux's book invaluable. I won't pretend its all been easy for me, and we are taking small steps. The sex and intimacy has been the easy bit for me as we have always been open and experimental, its more the "spacial" issues. I.e when she spends the night in his bed (with me in the guest room) or visits him alone. She has generally been excellent and understanding of us both. So has he.

He has asked if in the future if they could have one night a week alone at his house. Neither of us are ready for that yet but we are working on a plan to slowly get there. Step by step. Somedays I can happily let them go to bed together and play, sleep, wake up, play other days I do not object but I cannot sleep and my tummy hurts and I have to work hard to control my emotions, but have managed successfully so far. Some days if they just get me for the last play, or the 1st play I am fine.

One of the interesting things us how different we are. I am practical, he isn't, I'm a scientist, he's an artist. I make her physical things, he writes her poetry. We even naturally go on opposite sides of her, me to her left, him to the right. On many things like politics, music, arts etc we are very close.

Without rambling too much, I feel we have come a long way and done exceptionally well so far.

I have mainly registered here because I would like to chat with like minded and more experienced people as other than my beautiful loving partner there is no immediate support network I can turn too.

I don't think many of our friend's or relatives would understand this but I am happy to share her, not becuase I don't love her but because I do.
 
Congrats and welcome, that sounds lovely.
 
I am unable to sleep when my primary is away with her partner. We don't allow sleepovers because of this problem. I wouldn't allow it if you are not ready. If you ever go on an overnight trip, that might be a good time to try when you are ready. If you ever get your own partner, a date night for you both might be a good transition. I feel you on this one. Another option is to have them do a whole morning to early evening. That way they get 12 hours together.
 
Greetings zigzag,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I've heard a lot of good things about Franklin Veaux's book, and hope to get a copy myself in the not-too-distant future. It sounds like you are managing your poly challenges pretty well. There's lots of good people here on Polyamory.com that you can confer with, so dig right in.

I hope you enjoy your stay with us.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

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Welcome aboard!
 
I am unable to sleep when my primary is away with her partner. We don't allow sleepovers because of this problem. I wouldn't allow it if you are not ready. If you ever go on an overnight trip, that might be a good time to try when you are ready. If you ever get your own partner, a date night for you both might be a good transition. I feel you on this one. Another option is to have them do a whole morning to early evening. That way they get 12 hours together.

Thanks SmileTexas I mentioned the idea of "dayovers" as an interim step to my partner and she was impressed with the idea. At the moment they don't have stayovers with me not in the house but I am in a different bedroom. She is not ready for full stayovers either yet. Most "all nighters" have not been a problem but twice I have struggled. But on both occasions we have managed to talk about it. Once was because I felt a bit left out the previous day and was my issue, and the other was because agreed boundaries were crossed by them. These boundaries were always meant to be crossed just wasn’t done as agreed.

We are going to have a chat together all three of us on Friday about "logistics" but feel if we all agree that we will move to an arrangement where she spends one afternoon and early eve a week with him and at the weekend we all spend (day and) night together in the same house but finish up in different beds, and also make sure the "spare rooms" at both are houses are nice so whoever is in them will feel more relaxed.

I really do desire to give her as much space as possible. Just takes work getting there!
 
You'll get there; you're already getting there. These things are supposed to take awhile.
 
Somedays I can happily let them go to bed together and play, sleep, wake up, play other days I do not object but I cannot sleep and my tummy hurts and I have to work hard to control my emotions, but have managed successfully so far. Some days if they just get me for the last play, or the 1st play I am fine.

Wow, yes, I bet that can be tough on the heartstrings. You must have a big heart. :)
 
Wow, yes, I bet that can be tough on the heartstrings. You must have a big heart. :)

Well it does tug quite a lot. Sometimes more than others, and sometimes at the most unexpected or trivial thing, while supposed "big" things like phsycal intimacy and sex can seem fine. A really silly thing happened the other week, her boyfriend referred to her by her full maiden name, with both middle names that she never uses and her unmarried name and I could feel the jealousy rising.

My girl is still beautiful, gorgeous, sexy and the centre of my world. But she is also very kind and honest and I am learning to trust her 100% If she says she will do something she will. Despite her now having a new boyfriend as well she has been very attentive and kind to me, to the point where I would say our relationship, which was already close, has improved. Certainly communication has improved.
 
Sounds like good news overall to me!
 
OK. So 3 way meeting over lunch went very well. Ground rules and logistics discussed and easily sorted. Nice afternoon and evening spent together plus they had some private time after which we all played trivial pursuit, watched a movie, had supper, and had a play together. We are all now going asleep. Me in my bed and my partner and her lover in one of our spare rooms which is becoming "their room". Feeling very relaxed. If only it was this easy all the time. Maybe it will become.
 
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Every little miracle counts. ;)
 
...I don't think many of our friend's or relatives would understand this but I am happy to share her, not becuase I don't love her but because I do.

I completely get that statement and have probably said the exact same words wrt my wife.
 
I really do desire to give her as much space as possible. Just takes work getting there!

The relationship, and by that I am referring to you, your wife and her lover, should proceed only as fast as that of the slowest moving partner. You need to take whatever time needed to build trust, security and safety and there's no rushing it.
 
Took an unusual turn this weekend. Her OSO stayed over friday night, but weather was so foul we invited him to stay for the weekend. On Saturday afternoon my sweetheart went for a nap and me and her lover spent the late afternoon making dinner, having a really good time, real quality time. For the 1st time we discussed our joint love and her wonderfulness, and her happiness, wants and needs, but not in any lurid way.

After dinner we watched a Dvd but at about 10.30 when they were snuggled up I excused myself to go to bed. I was not sleepy but thought I should give them space. I really really hope I am doing the right thing, as I do love her so much but I am not feeling stressed.
 
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Sounds like the right thing to me. :)
 
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