Hello from Salt Lake City, Utah

[Jas6505]

Hello everyone,

This is all new for me. My wife and I have been married for 5 years. About 3 weeks ago she came out as polyamorous. This wasn't much of a shock as she has cheated on me twice. But it is different this time because I am attempting to encourage her to explore this side of herself. She already has a new relationship.

To be honest, this is all very difficult for me. I lean monogamous but I love her and want her to be her true self. I am hoping that coming out will help her feel fulfilled and more like who she really is. But I am stuck in the programming of monogamy and find myself becoming more anxious, jealous, and depressed than I have ever before.

I joined in hopes to get some help and support as to how I can support her and help her get her needs met while still being monogamous and getting my needs met. I already feel alone and abandoned.

I am happy to share details. Any words of encouragement and ideas on how I can navigate this would be greatly appreciated.

Jas6505

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings Jas6505,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I am originally from Highland (Provo Valley), so we are practically would-be neighbors. I'm glad you could join us on Polyamory.com!

I am sorry that you are experiencing so much anxiety, jealousy, and depression. I'm sorry that you feel alone and abandoned. Monogamous conditioning is hard to overcome. I can help you with the jealousy part by posting some links, let me know if you're interested. I think it's great that you are supporting your wife in exploring this side of herself. What are your needs in this arrangement?

Hang in there, it gets easier.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

 

[Evie]

Feeling alone and abandoned is one of the hardest parts about opening up a relationship. The old model of being together as a couple has gone and the new model hasn't settled in yet.

Have you guys found this article before? https://medium.com/@PolyamorySchool/the-most-skipped-step-when-opening-a-relationship-f1f67abbbd49
It could feel like a little exaggerated in places, but it makes its points.

The other thing that helped hubby and I was to be deliberate about quality time spent together. Phones away. Getting out of the house. Talking about things other than polyamory. Treating the time like an actual date rather than letting ourselves perceive merely living together as the linchpin of our relationship.

It can also be valuable to know and mindfully engage with each other's love language/s. Specifically, right now since you're the one feeling the struggle, let her know what you need.

I suggest she reads https://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell to know what types of behaviours she might be doing without realising.

The transition from mono to poly practical living is often hard, but can work out so well if you continue to support each other (not just you supporting her).

All the best.
Evie

 

[Jas6505]

Greetings Jas6505,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I am originally from Highland (Provo Valley), so we are practically would-be neighbors. I'm glad you could join us on Polyamory.com!

I am sorry that you are experiencing so much anxiety, jealousy, and depression. I'm sorry that you feel alone and abandoned. Monogamous conditioning is hard to overcome. I can help you with the jealousy part by posting some links, let me know if you're interested. I think it's great that you are supporting your wife in exploring this side of herself. What are your needs in this arrangement?

Hang in there, it gets easier.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

Highland? That's crazy. The world is so small sometimes.

I would love to read some links that could help with the jealousy. That is something I wasn't fully aware I struggled with until recently. The other issue I have learned about myself is that I have relied solely on her for all of my needs. Which she has told me puts a lot of pressure on her and is unfair. Hence, I am breaking out of my comfort zone to join a forum.

It's hard to say what my needs are in this new arrangement and way of life. I am still navigating what I am calling the death of our relationship and hopefully the rebirth of a new between us.

I do hope it gets easier, because I know that I am certainly no fun to be around right now. I am very emotional. And I think it is a side of me she rarely saw.

 

[Jas6505]

Feeling alone and abandoned is one of the hardest parts about opening up a relationship. The old model of being together as a couple has gone and the new model hasn't settled in yet.

Have you guys found this article before? https://medium.com/@PolyamorySchool/the-most-skipped-step-when-opening-a-relationship-f1f67abbbd49
It could feel like a little exaggerated in places, but it makes its points.

The other thing that helped hubby and I was to be deliberate about quality time spent together. Phones away. Getting out of the house. Talking about things other than polyamory. Treating the time like an actual date rather than letting ourselves perceive merely living together as the linchpin of our relationship.

It can also be valuable to know and mindfully engage with each other's love language/s. Specifically, right now since you're the one feeling the struggle, let her know what you need.

I suggest she reads https://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell to know what types of behaviours she might be doing without realising.

The transition from mono to poly practical living is often hard, but can work out so well if you continue to support each other (not just you supporting her).

All the best.
Evie

Thanks Evie,

I have not come across this article yet but I am glad you sent it. I will certainly give it a read. I am trying to expand my knowledge in as many ways as possible seeing how this is now a part of my life. I even reserved some books from the local library which I am hoping I can encourage my wife and I to read together.

Deliberate quality time sounds like a great idea. So far, we know that we do need to have more intentional quality time but it usually devolves into the discussion of polyamory and me weeping openly. hahahha

I did take the love language test. I am high on physical touch and quality time. All of which I feel has been lacking since she has spent a lot of time with her new relationship. It has always been difficult for me to ask for my needs because a) I want to put her first and make sure her needs are being met, b) I have low self esteem and feel my needs are not important, c) I have always been afraid of overburdening her, etc. But that is something I need to learn to be comfortable with going forward. It will be a big challenge for me.

 

[Evie]

but it usually devolves into the discussion of polyamory and me weeping openly

This is why it's valuable to make actual date plans. Go out. Do something interesting. Leave the hard discussions behind.

And if she's desperate to do more poly discussion, schedule that, too. Or email each other about poly stuff so you aren't "on the spot" to respond and the issues and challenges aren't coming at you thick and fast.

Also, what are you doing to address a, b and c?

Because a) you're not helping others unless you look after yourself well enough to do so - so how are you learning to do so? And b) it is possible to build self-esteem, so how will you do so? And lastly, this I'm just going to reply to...if you constantly try and do things for other people you are effectively reducing their chances to grow into their own maximum capacity. She is your partner, not your juvenile dependent. Please don't try to protect her from simply doing adult stuff.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Jas6505,
Here are the links I spoke of.

• What If I Get Jealous?
• Unmasking the Green-Eyed Monster
• "First Aid" for Jealousy
• Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, etc.
• Understanding jealousy
• How do you achieve compersion?
• Jealousy and Insecurity
• The Theory of Jealousy Management
• The Practice of Jealousy Management
• Teal Swan: Jealousy and Envy
• Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

What are some of the needs you hope to meet on this forum? We'll try to help. You may also want to schedule some sessions with a therapist.

You described it very accurately when you said poly is the "death of your relationship." Indeed, you are starting something very new here. It's not like you and your wife are "adding" something to your old marriage.

Regards,
Kevin T.