Hello- Here to Learn

[pricklypear]

Hello everyone!
I am new to learning about poly and here to understand and grow. I am married to an amazing man and in our mono/poly relationship, I am mono. I was also the one to bring up the concept of poly to him and the conversation started from there. He’s not actively pursuing anyone nor resistant. We’re enjoying our time together and for lack of better words, we’re just living life with an open mind. I’ve really liked seeing him feel comfortable to explore more of himself. I like being outdoors, including the beach, exploring new places and going on drives. A day spent drinking tea and snuggled up is also time well spent for me.

I’ve read some articles elsewhere online and many do not resonate with me. I’m personally content with one person in my life and not interested in having more partners, though I support and feel genuine joy for my spouse who has interest and capacity to be open for more. We communicate a lot and that helps both of us feel understood. Even though this is a poly community, I do think I could learn a lot from you all and new friends are great. From what I’ve read so far, I’ve enjoyed the different perspectives that push me to consider things from variety of viewpoints.

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings pricklypear,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like you and your husband have an excellent mono/poly dynamic going. I admit it's slightly unusual for the mono partner to be the one to join Polyamory.com, but I wouldn't say it's unheard-of. It certainly speaks of how loving and supportive you are towards your husband. And it shows that you have a super open mind. Often a mono partner struggles and does not want to hear about poly; you have moved yourself past that. I encourage you to explore our site, read the threads that call to you, and post your thoughts and questions as they arise. It's good to have you with us!

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

 

[GalaGirl]

Welcome! It's fine to be the mono partner in a mono-poly situation here. You both sound like you are easing into it. That's a good thing.

Galagirl

 

[pricklypear]

“...Often a mono partner struggles and does not want to hear about poly;...

Yes, that’s what I came across which did not match the way I look at things. And left me a bit frustrated with finding somewhere I can be happy for my poly partner while being a mono wife.

haha being unusual is kind of how Ive been my whole life I’ve mentioned this community to him and from there, I leave his journey as authentically his.

 

[pricklypear]

Welcome! It's fine to be the mono partner in a mono-poly situation here. You both sound like you are easing into it. That's a good thing.

Galagirl

Thank you for the welcome and reassurance. I’ve been browsing the threads for a bit before finally working up the nerve to introduce myself.

 

[3908]

welcome to the forum pricklypear,

my wife is resistant and is one of those that really doesn't want to hear about my interest in poly.

you say..."I’ve really liked seeing him feel comfortable to explore more of himself" i would interpret that to be Compersion.

when evaluating my own poly interest I had to come to terms with the idea that if i was going to go down that road, i would have to be ok with my wife doing so and in that, the idea that she could enjoy someone else or be enjoyed by someone else was fine with me, I learned about Compersion.

Compersion is the opposite of jealousy. I've never really been a jealous person, so it is not surprising to me. for us we have been together for over 10 years, married for 8, she will never leave me, i will never leave her so there is no concern there.

stick around, theres alot of nice people on this forum.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi pricklypear,

I think you will find Polyamory.com to be a refreshing change, we will accept you as being happy for your poly husband while being a mono wife. Being unusual is good for your soul. It is appropriate that, having mentioned this community to him, you let him decide how and whether to participate.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[MeeraReed]

I don't identify as mono, but I don't particularly seek out new people for dating. I don't think I have the energy for more than one relationship at this point in my life. I am very introverted and treasure my alone time.

But my partner of 10 years has always had several other partners and an active dating life (in addition to his relationship with me). He is very extroverted and has a much higher sex drive than me (and mine is not low, LOL!). He has the freedom to totally be himself--in dating other people, he can explore his bisexuality and embrace his kinkiness and have all sorts of experiences that truly don't interest me. Meanwhile, I can be myself and pursue interests that I don't share with him.

I don't get sexually jealous at all--whatever he does with his body is his business. But I don't really like hanging out with my metamours much, just because I don't like people, not because of them at all. So my partner and I keep things very separate (parallel poly not kitchen table poly). We both value our own autonomy.

We are very happy! But I don't really have much in common with monogamous people--I don't understand the jealousy or the struggle when a mono person has a poly partner. I identify as poly because I have been non-monogamous in the past when I had more energy/interest and philosophically, non-monogamy makes the most to me. But because I have been happy with just one partner for so long, I am not quite sure how "poly" I am anymore, if that makes sense.

 

[pricklypear]

welcome to the forum pricklypear,

my wife is resistant and is one of those that really doesn't want to hear about my interest in poly.

you say..."I’ve really liked seeing him feel comfortable to explore more of himself" i would interpret that to be Compersion.

when evaluating my own poly interest I had to come to terms with the idea that if i was going to go down that road, i would have to be ok with my wife doing so and in that, the idea that she could enjoy someone else or be enjoyed by someone else was fine with me, I learned about Compersion.

Compersion is the opposite of jealousy. I've never really been a jealous person, so it is not surprising to me. for us we have been together for over 10 years, married for 8, she will never leave me, i will never leave her so there is no concern there.

stick around, theres alot of nice people on this forum.

I’d agree with your interpretation and yes, as I looked more into compersion, that’s exactly how I feel inside in regards to him. I feel like what I have with him is special and him making connections with someone else is separate; its own thing. Thank you for the welcome!

 

[pricklypear]

I don't identify as mono, but I don't particularly seek out new people for dating. I don't think I have the energy for more than one relationship at this point in my life. I am very introverted and treasure my alone time.

But my partner of 10 years has always had several other partners and an active dating life (in addition to his relationship with me). He is very extroverted and has a much higher sex drive than me (and mine is not low, LOL!). He has the freedom to totally be himself--in dating other people, he can explore his bisexuality and embrace his kinkiness and have all sorts of experiences that truly don't interest me. Meanwhile, I can be myself and pursue interests that I don't share with him.

I don't get sexually jealous at all--whatever he does with his body is his business. But I don't really like hanging out with my metamours much, just because I don't like people, not because of them at all. So my partner and I keep things very separate (parallel poly not kitchen table poly). We both value our own autonomy.

We are very happy! But I don't really have much in common with monogamous people--I don't understand the jealousy or the struggle when a mono person has a poly partner. I identify as poly because I have been non-monogamous in the past when I had more energy/interest and philosophically, non-monogamy makes the most to me. But because I have been happy with just one partner for so long, I am not quite sure how "poly" I am anymore, if that makes sense.

This was refreshing to read, thank you! I, too, don’t fully understand at times the struggle from what I’ve read about from monogamous partners. Maybe it’s also because I’m not exactly a “people person” myself. I want my husband to feel free when he goes out and simply enjoy life. If he ends up striking up conversation with someone, great for him. He likes meeting new people and hearing about their lives. He’s not exactly an extrovert but, as long as I’ve known him, he’s enjoyed building a little community with people he meets along the way. I’m content with the people I know. And it makes me happy, seeing him happy. When it comes to sexual intimacy, we both have high drives and I don’t see that changing much. I know some areas will adjust (his time, attention, focus) but having my own time to myself —that’s where I also feel unable to relate to monogamous partners because I don’t see that as a negative or something being taken away. We have fun and like spending time together but we’re also two different people.