I'm sorry there's been so much bad in this situation for you.
I hope you feel a bit better for airing some of it out. You sound like you've been burdened a long time.
Yes, despite the so called "benefits" i think i would be enjoying, it does make me physically and emotionally sick and I feel like an idiot and a prude for reacting like this...but much like vomiting, its beyond my control, and i hate this reality.
Know what? Don't need to ADD to the load by calling you own self names like "idiot" or "prude." You cannot help being turned off by things that turn you off.
Be ok being who you are and preferring what you prefer.
If you guys were kind of pushed into marriage by the families? You sound like you have both given it a shake for several years. Doing so did not make it any more of a match or make you guys any more compatible. The sensible thing to do at this point in time is to part ways. Not invest more time and energy into the marriage where neither is happy being in it.
You are both adults and can make your own choices. You don't have to choose to keep pleasing families any more. Could end it as quick, clean, and polite as possible so you can each move on to relating in a way that is healthier -- as exes and coparents.
If her coping skills are rough due to her family background? Or whatever other reason? It is what it is. But it doesn't make it ok for her to be bullying you or excuse that poor behavior. It does underline
how incompatible you guys are.
You guys have been two people enduring a very ill-fitting marriage for a very long time. You both are getting more and more stressed and frustrated the longer it goes on. You cannot have civil discussion about problem solving to make it better. So... I encourage you to be brave and talk about disbanding so both get some relief. Take the pot off the burner. Don't keep it on the heat. Don't point fingers or blame. Just
move it forward so both get relief.
But honestly, in between the good is a LOT of bad. Screaming, yelling, name calling, using sensitive information to hurt, etc. Ive never, ever had such a volatile, damaging experience in my life.
Sometimes i just want to run fast and far....
Then disband the marriage. You were given an ultimatum: Do this, or part ways.
- Well, you don't want to be doing poly. Not what you prefer. Feels yucky to you. Which is fine -- you are allowed to prefer what you prefer.
- That leaves "part ways". Which you actually do seem to want. Just maybe feel scared of changes all that will entail. Understandable!
There is a reason "divorce" is #2 on the
stress scale.
Ending a marriage carries a load of complex emotions. Even if a wanted change, you will feel sad, mourn a loss, fear new changes, rearrange living quarters, change finances, ... LOTS of feelings and things are set to wobbling first before you can create a new stability for yourself. It is OK for things to feel weird when the "old normal" is ending/gone and the "new normal" isn't quite here yet.
You could be ok being a person in transition, and could be FIRM about this needed change.
For 30 plus years, I was doing pretty good I thought, but apparently for the last 5, ive become a total shite in every sense of the word.
She doesn't sound happy here either. Just that she dumps it all on your head so she can push the yucky feelings away from herself and not be feeling them.
And you take it personally like you "are a shite" rather than seeing it for what it is -- bad behavior and blame shifting.
And neither is taking a step back to see the bigger picture -- NEITHER is happy in this marriage but NEITHER is asking for constructive changes like asking for a divorce. That could be change so BOTH can get relief.
Sounds like "going along" with the unwanted marriage to incompatible partner just to please the families was a choice you made that took you away from your core values. You compromised your values.
Could start the walk back to being more true to yourself and your values. Be more authentic you.
- Disband the wonky marriage; don't keep going with it just to keep pleasing the families or "for the children" or whatever. Those are not good reasons to stay in an ill-fitting marriage.
- Do NOT start flying even more off track from the things you prefer and value by choosing to participate in a poly network you don't even want just to try to please her. That's not a good reason to poly.
- Start flying more true to your values and please YOU. Figure out what that looks like.
You describe this marriage as the most volatile, damaging experience in your life. You have clocked 5 years. Why sign up to go for more? How many years have to pass before you decide you are done?
YOU could be firm about a divorce even if she ends up flip flopping on it or promises to change or whatever when she realizes you are serious about parting ways.
Be kind but firm. Tell her you hope her next romantic relationships are good ones. Tell her firmly you are done with marriage here. And you prefer to focus on being good coparents for the kids.
Don't take on NEW pretzels.
It's ok to be done. It's ok to feel sad about being done. But stay done. Don't clock more time on an unhappy marriage. Be willing to stop putting energy into fueling that unhappiness. Use the energy to fuel other things instead.
Life is not a dress rehearsal. You only get the one. Aim more for the kind of living you prefer and what actually makes you happy. You are the one living your life. The only one that has to be pleased with how you are living it is YOU.
Right now you don't sound pleased with how you have been living it.
How can forum people help you?
Galagirl
