Help! Help! Help!!

[katiebug102579]

I'm new to this site, so please bear with me.

My husband Nate and I have been married for almost 6 years and have been poly for the last 2 1/2. I came out to him as bisexual and he has let me explore that. My biggest issue I have is jealousy! I get jealous very easily and it has made me question whether or not a poly relationship is for me.

All of the past relationships we have had have ended with ugliness. I've found out that, for the most part, the other woman was just there for Nate, and felt that she had to play with me in order to get him. So, needless to say, I have been scarred quite a bit by this.

Now to the present day. Nate has tracked down his jr. high/high school sweetheart, Shelly. She is someone he still is in love with. You never forget your first love! He has been completely honest with about her with me. I was jealous at first, because we were going through a REALLY BAD break-up with another woman, and my biggest fear was that if he were to leave me, he already had someone to go to now that he'd found Shelly.

Shelly reached out to me and actually wanted to start a friendship with me. We talked on the phone and texted and I immediately fell in love. She is amazing. I have told Nate that I can totally see why he was able to hold onto her memory for over 20 years. She is bisexual as well, and willing to be with both of us. The only problems we have to overcome are:

1) Shelly is still involved with someone who has no idea that she is thinking of becoming our third.

2) She lives 5 states away and does not want to move to us just yet, but we are toying with the idea of moving to her.

3) My jealousy issues.

Nate and I tried to have "alone time" with partners in previous relationships. It didn't work. We would end up playing tit for tat, like, "Well, you got to hold her for 45 minutes and I only held her for 30." We understand how important alone time is. I want to know how it has worked out for others in the same situation. How do you tell the third person (whoever it may be) that you only want to be with the other person? Do you tell them to go sleep on the couch? Do you schedule it? Our gf (that's what we call her now) and I have joked that she gets him M W F, I get him T TH Sat, and Sun is for her and me. I know that is a crazy idea, but it is just a joke for now.

Also, how do I deal with the fact that I am fine with them having alone time with each other, I just don't want to hear them going at it? Will that feeling diminish with time once we get comfortable with each other?

Please offer your advice for a struggling polyamorist who has finally found her unicorn and does not want to give her up!

 

[sweetaugustbaby]

I think jealousy is a huge issue in any relationship like this, but since Nate already has a past with Shelly, I can see it being even more. I think you have to agree upon ground rules first.

 

[katiebug102579]

The past

I can see what you mean about Nate having a past with her. But the way I see it is, every other girl we have been with has been new to our relationship and I have had to struggle with "sharing" someone that I have been sharing for 8 years, and now he gets to see what I go through since he has to share someone he has a past with. I know that probably sounds petty. She makes me happier than any other woman ever has and I am willing to do whatever it takes to make it work.

Another thing that is different about this relationship is that she has expressed, and I have seen it the week we spent with her, that she is in this for both of us, not just him. I take that as a good thing in a polyamory situation.

 

[sweetaugustbaby]

I kinda relate. The new girl I'm seeing is totally into both of us, and it shows! It does make things a lot better.

I think you should make a list of why things failed in past triads and think about how it could affect this new relationship.

 

[MonoVCPHG]

Shelly is still involved with someone who has no idea that she is thinking of becoming the third in our triad.

Don't get caught up in someone's dishonesty. Make sure she is up front with her partner.

She lives 5 states away and does not want to move to us just yet, but we are toying with the idea of moving to her.

Take your time! Moving is a huge leap.

 

[Derbylicious]

Is there any reason why you both have to date the same woman? You might find things a little less tit for tat if you were with different people.

As for Shelly, who lives 5 states away, spend a lot of time with her irl before even considering moving her in. She would have to give up her whole life where she is to move in with you, and that's no small undertaking. Also make sure she has a plan to support herself when she does move. Money troubles put a lot of additional stress on a relationship.

 

[IndieSolo]

I get jealous very easily and it has made me question whether or not a polyamorous relationship is for me.

Just because you are in poly relationships doesn't mean you can't, won't, or shouldn't feel jealous. You're human and you feel what you feel. It's how you deal with jealousy that makes more of a difference.

All of our past relationships have ended with ugliness. The other woman was just there for him and felt that she had to "play" with me in order to get him. I have been scarred by this.

Is it a requirement that you two must be involved together with the same woman? Why?

We talked and I immediately fell in love!

Really? Seriously? Egad. Through phone calls and text messages you are in love with someone you haven't met yet? I find this hard to fathom. What about chemistry, that hard to describe thing that can only happen in person?

The only problems we have to overcome are:

1) She is still involved with someone who has no idea that she is thinking of becoming our third.

2) She lives 5 states away, not wanting to move to us just yet, we are toying with the idea of moving to her.

I think you are largely being unrealistic. Nate tracks down his high school sweetheart, for whom he's carried a torch, and she's responded positively, but is involved with someone. She may be thinking about being with you two, but it could just be a fantasy she doesn't necessarily need to make happen. She has a life.

Furthermore, why would you want her to uproot herself, when you have no relationship established with her yet? That seems nonsensical. If you want to have something solid, some face-to-face meetings are in order, to see if there really is something there that you ALL want to develop into something more substantial and worthwhile.

Nate and I tried to have "alone time." It didn't work because we would end up playing tit for tat. "You got to hold her for 45 minutes and I only held her for 30". We understand how important alone time is. I want to know how it has worked out for others.

This sounds very icky. If I were treated like that, I'd run and never look back. I would say stop treating these women like toys or possessions that you each need to use to satisfy some idea of ownership.

How do you tell the third person that you only want to be with the other person? Do you tell them to go sleep on the couch? Do you schedule it? Our GF and I have joked that she gets him M W F, and I get him T TH and Sat, and Sun is just for her and me. I know that is a crazy idea.

See: Is our time split unusual?

How do I deal with the fact that I am fine with them having alone time with each other, I just dont want to hear the two of them going at it? Will that feeling diminish with time once we get comfortable with each other?

Well, this is a common consideration and involves setting boundaries. Read some more of this forum, perhaps looking specifically for the keywords or tags "boundaries."

Please offer your advice for a struggling polyamorist who has finally found her unicorn and does not want to give her up.

That comment smacks of seeing her as a sex toy again, and not a person with individual rights, wants, needs, and feelings. Ick again. Truthfully, you do come across to me as having a somewhat immature outlook-- either that, or you don't think things through well enough. I question your approach to polyamory because of this.

 

[BlackUnicorn]

All of the past relationships we have had have ended with ugliness. The other woman was just there for him and felt that she had to "play" with me in order to get him.

My advice? Date lesbians.

I have to chime in with everything everyone else has already said. You have a bad track record of trying to form a triad. Why not try for something new this time?

I was jealous at first because we were going through a REALLY BAD break-up and my biggest fear was that if Nate were to leave me, he already had someone to go to now that he found Shelly.

How is your relationship with Nate now? A looming threat of a break-up is not exactly an ideal situation to start trying for a triad.

1) She is still involved with someone who has no idea that she is thinking of becoming our third.

Yep, in full agreement with everyone else. Stop all progress NOW and wait till her current partner in person gives you the green light.

2) She lives 5 states away and does not want to move to us just yet, we are toying with the idea of moving to her.

Please don't. Wait till the NRE wears off (up to two years, even longer with long-distance!) before making life-altering decision, or asking anyone else to.

How do you tell the third person that you only want to be with the other person? Do you tell them to go sleep on the couch? Do you schedule it?

It's much easier if 'unicorn' has her own apartment. In your specific situation:
1) Have separate dates, on separate days. First you, then him. Then you again. Make sure to have dates with your hubby, too.
2) No threesomes! Huge explosive potential for jealousy and feelings of neglect there.
3) Some people feel that no sleepovers at the beginning of the relationship make everything smoother.

All in all, go slower than you would like to. Schedule dates to start and end at a specific time, instead of suddenly hanging out all the time together, the three of you. Get to know her. You have time. If it's worth it, it's worth the work and wait, too.

 

[redpepper]

She is cheating, and you are not able to share, and you are going to move to be near her... Wow! I don't know where to start.

From my own experience, I make a point of reminding myself:
- don't date cheaters
- don't encourage cheating
- if you can't share, date separately
- don't move in a state of NRE

So Shelly came to visit you and didn't tell her partner, and you think that is not only okay, but encouraged it by having her stay with you? Her partner is being lied to. He (?) thinks he is in a monogamous relationship with a woman that is faithful and committed to him.

If you were in his shoes, how would this make you feel? If you were standing beside him at the bank and knew that you had touched his woman without his knowledge or consent, how would you feel?

Do you not think she could also cheat on the two of you? Where is her integrity? Where is her backbone to stand up for herself and begin making moves to better her life by addressing the issues they have, or leaving if she is not able?

Where is your integrity in this? You are as much a part of this as she is. I suggest you do a tag search on "cheating" and see how cheating has effected people in their lives, poly or otherwise. There is a lot of info on here that might help.

If you can't share, then why are you dating the same people? This is not essential to poly relationship. In fact, it seems to work better to become independent and find your own loves. Sharing time together, sharing stories of what you do with your lives, and sharing a future together in poly is where it is at for me. Having lived this for a good long while, we do not have rules about sharing lovers. If that happens, great, but is not ideal.

Triads such as the ones you describe making rules about for your poly life, seem to last until the NRE is over. Then, when it becomes impossible to live your lives doing everything together, it becomes a matter of who loves whom more, and who doesn't really want to have sex with whom, and who is spending more time with whom and... petty stuff, ya know? At least, of the relationships I have known that last over a year, sometimes less, if this isn't worked out, or at least considered as it goes along, then it's usually done. Maybe that doesn't matter to you though, and under a year is enough. It doesn't sound like it, though, if you are moving close to each other.

That leads me to another thing... moving. It seems to work better to save all that until after the NRE is over. Being drunk on puppy love is fun, but not a great time to make life-changing decisions. Just because Nate knew Shelly as a teenager, and they had a history, doesn't mean that it will be the same with you in the picture. It will be different. Three is different than two. Why not see what those differences are before making huge changes in your lives?