Help me, please.

And now for even more...

I told Bea that I was willing to write a letter to Carrie, stating why I wanted to meet her. I wrote that I was having trouble with this situation. Bea asked me to change much of the wording of what I wrote, and finally asked me to change wording to say that "I am respectfully and humbly asking you to help me by meeting me." Am I an idiot, or what? Should this be enough? Does this make me look like a fool? I am at a loss. again.
I think if Bea asks one more thing of me I will not feel respected. I am not happy at all that Carrie wants Bea to herself.

Any advice is welcome. thank you all so much.
 
If your girlfriend wants you to write your reasons, she should let you write your reasons and not dictate what you get to write. Plus that wording sounds like you're asking for a peace treaty from the leader of another country. It's really weird.

I think you should stand your ground and write the letter the way you'd write it, or not write one at all.
 
Yeah, that request is ridiculous.

Just write a sandwich letter. Compliments, followed by your concerns and request, followed by another nice thing.
 
Too late, I guess. I wrote the letter. Basically I said that I needed to meet her because I am suffering too much when she is with Bea. I said that I was respectfully and humbly asking for her to help me. I guess we'll see what happens, but at least I will know that short of losing all sense of myself, my self-esteem and self-respect, I have done all I can do. Now I just have to wait to see what plays out. It's torture. I hate it. I am just praying that I don't end up resenting Bea for making me feel so desperate and discarded in all of this.
 
excerpts from my initial letter to Pretty Lady

I wrote a letter to Pretty Lady about 4 1/2 months into my relationship with Wendigo (her husband). It was something I'd been incredibly nervous to do, at first, but after a month of chatting online both with him as the in-between and w/o I realized that I needed to do it. I don't know if this will help you, as you are hoping to be the primary in your situation, if not getting your GF back all to yourself and I was reaching out to my secondaries primary, who is now my OOSO. But I thought that it might illustrate the tone you should use. I know that you are hurting, but if you go at it from a place of compassion and respect, she might be more willing to meet you halfway, and it will show your GF that while you are uncomfortable with the situation, you are trying to be respectful of her decisions. Writing from the heart and using "I" statements instead of "you need to" statements may also help her feel less manipulated and pressured. Good Luck!

"Pretty Lady, I've been trying to write this for a while now. So forgive me if its rushed or jumbled. Wendigo told me last night that you're a little concerned about my feeling for him and I know that you probably read what I told him, but I wanted to hear it from me. I think this conversation should have happened a while ago, but I wasn't even sure you'd talk to me then."

"I believe that you can love more than one person in different ways. I also personally believe that there are people who are fated to come into your life. That those people each carry with them a piece of your heart.... Wendigo holds a piece of my heart. I'd be less of who I am without him in my life. There are a handful of people that I've adopted - they called out to me on a psychic level.....Unfortunately, me adopting people comes with a price, I'm over protective of the people I call mine and probably a tad bit possessive too. But I'm loyal to my friends and I'll do anything for them. I'm glad that we're getting to be friends and I don't want to screw that up. And just to be clear on something else, I'd want to be your friend even if you weren't married to Wendigo."

"I'm not going to ask you to stop worrying about my feelings towards Wendigo. You're his wife, its your place, but know that I love Runic Wolf and am truly lost and empty without him. So I understand how you must feel about Wendigo."
 
So is waiting as horrible as I think.

Thank you, Brigidsdaughter. I don't think my letter was as lovely, but it was what was asked of me. I just hope Bea stands by the request that Carrie agree to meet me before they get together again. If she can't, then I think I am not going to have many choices. Shit, it feels like I have lost her already.
 
There were times that Runic Wolf felt that he was losing me to NRE along the way, and whether it was the impression I was giving, or his own personal issues didn't seem to matter. What mattered was that he told me and gave me the opportunity to reassure him and try to be a better me.

Bea may truly want to believe that she can give up Carrie for you, she may want with all her heart for you to know just how much she loves you, but she also might have a bit of New Relationship Energy of her own, or be developing feelings for Carrie that cloud her ability to do that. So maybe giving her up isn't an option at the moment, but allowing yourself to present your side to Carrie, explain that you're struggling with having to share Bea, because for 2 years and 5 months she's been all yours, and you need some time to adjust, and some reassurance that Carrie isn't trying to steal Bea from you. Having that assurance from her could mean a world of difference in how you interact with her (which benefits her), how you see the situation, and how you act with Bea (which alleviates the stress on Bea, which benefits all 3 of you), and how you determine what you yourself want/need/can handle from this now poly relationship.
 
Agreed!

Stick to your guns. You have every right to meet the new person in Bea's life.

IMHO, her refusal to meet you is a backhanded way of being in charge of the situation.

What is she afraid of? Meet at a Starbucks for 10 minutes. That way, you are not stuck waiting for a meal you ordered or something.

Good luck, girl. You can get through this!
 
Thank you again, JameeDee. Your link was helpful and I appreciate it.

I have had a long day, and although it isn't over yet, I feel a bit more at peace. I am hoping that I can meet Carrie. It is my deep hope that eventually I can even like her. I think part of the difficulty is that it's all so ambiguous and unknown. Carrie is probably just as frightened as I am, and just trying to get some peace.

I appreciate everyone's help here so much.
 
Well, Bea stuck to her guns and insisted that Carrie meet me. I wrote the letter I referred to, and got a response from Carrie that basically said that the situation sounded like an ultimatum and she didn't like it. She also said that "IF" we met, she wanted it to be when we both agreed to. She also stated she was not ready.

I replied to her message and said that I was glad she replied. I acknowledged that the situation was uncomfortable for all of us, and that I could admit that we were making a demand. I stressed that the meeting was a demand so that I could stay involved. I also expressed a hope that we could be able one day to negotiate our needs in a way that would not have Bea feeling pulled two ways. I stated that I was not poly, but trying to follow the poly rules, since I can't deny that this is the situation I am in. I also said I found comfort in her acceptance that we needed to meet before she and Bea were together again, in order for me to remain involved.

Carrie has broken up with Bea over this. Bea thinks it was my email; that if I had not written the email, we would have progressed and met.

Carrie said that not only does she not want to meet me, she is afraid of me.

I don't know what to do. The only thing I can do to make Bea happy is to tell her to remove the demand. I don't want Bea to resent me for her losing Carrie.

Any advice? Thanks to all.
 
Oh, that's ridiculous. Your fault? Carrie is being entirely unreasonable, it seems to me. You're reaching out and she is being resistant.

It's very very common, and recommended, for metamours to meet eventually, with respectful PMs or emails in the meantime, feelings of warmth and sharing. Everyone has to get along, and meeting each other can only facilitate that!

Bea needs to do more research into poly if she is going to attempt to have 2 gfs. Whether she and Carrie get back together, or she finds someone else she just can't resist, you can't just run into this kind of thing willy-nilly and hope for the best. You're all adults here. It takes work from all parties to facilitate this. This isn't a secret affair. Everyone needs to be on the same page or it won't work. Don't let yourself feel guilty. You're the one trying here!
 
Carrie feels "uncomfortable." That is understandable, normal and okay! She will live. Everyone is going to live through this... especially if everyone decides together that they are going to walk through their fear, embrace the feelings that make them feel uncomfortable, and get about dealing with them, rather than avoiding them. Avoiding doesn't make them go away; it makes the situation go away, and that can lead to resentment, blame, hurt, pain, and can break up relationships, or at the very least, make them unhealthy.

Polyamory is hard for people who don't want to deal with their shit and other people's shit. Maybe Carrie is that kind of person. Maybe this is just not going to work for her and she has decided that. It's too bad, because it puts Bea in an awkward situation of having to decide. That is not your problem, or for you to take on as your problem. You just need to be yourself and carry on reaching out to her.

You never know, Carrie might eventually decide that it's too hard NOT to meet you because of all the insisting going on. Or maybe she has broken up with Bea for real. Sorry, I'm not really entirely buying this break-up thing. It seems like a last ditch effort to make Bea decide who it's going to be, you or her. In which case, it was never meant to be, and Carrie, you and everyone else will move on and be happier for it. Also not because of you. It kinda irks me that anyone, especially a gf, would blame their break-up on you over an email! Yeah, way to point the finger elsewhere. It sounds like more is going on here than you realize. They just don't seem all that compatible for a poly relationship.
 
Thank you, Magdlyn. I have been so worried that I was being too pushy. Right now, I feel like Carrie has broken up with Bea, and we are going to move forward and pursue a monogamous relationship and try it on 100%. I don't ever think I'll try poly. It's all so complicated for me. I may just be a one-dyke dyke. I hope that Bea can return to us fully, without resentment, and if she can, I think we'll be fine. We have work to do, but I think we will be okay. I hope.
 
Redpepper, Carrie did break up with Bea, for real. As far as I am concerned, that is the end of this. I am not willing to go through this again. I don't think I am suited for poly. I hope that Bea and I are able to make a mono relationship work. I feel confident that we can. She just has to come to it without resentment of the fact that Carrie left over a demand that she didn't like.

Thanks again.
 
the letter

Tonberry said:
If Bea wants you to write your reasons, she should let you write your reasons and not dictate what you get to write. Plus that wording sounds like you're asking for a peace treaty from the leader of another country. It's really weird.

I think you should stand your ground and write the letter the way you'd write it, or not write one at all.
Click to expand...

It was requested of me that I write a letter to Carrie to request a meeting, so I did.
 
I don't think this forum can accurately evaluate how considerate or creepy any letter was without seeing all the details. From what floundering says, I don't think such an evaluation would matter. The facts as presented mean floundering and Bea are back on track.

Floundering... I hope you and Bea are able to figure out what Bea was looking for. If you're both mono-wired, but fell into a poly situation, then please check for short circuits so you aren't shocked in the future.

Though it's moot at this point, let me offer some sage advice...
1) You and any partner's other partner have something in common: you both care about that partner in common. Having something in common is an automatic reason to have affinity with someone else. Just beware the beast of jealousy.

2) No matter how scary any new partner is for an existing partner, that new person had some value that caught the attention of your partner. Sometimes it is better to focus on what about that person attracted your partner, as a way to enjoy that variety, rather than worry about competition or flaws.

Poly or mono or don't know... Be good to each other. *hug*
 
floundering said:
It was requested of me that I write a letter to the new gf to request a meeting. So I did so.
Click to expand...
Yeah, I saw other posters responding to you about a letter, but I've read this thread up and down and didn't see where you said your gf wanted you to write a letter, so I was confused. Was that in another thread?

I saw this and couldn't figure out what wording she was referring to. It's not in any of your posts here:
Tonberry said:
Plus that wording sounds like you're asking for a peace treaty from the leader of another country. It's really weird.
Click to expand...

Just trying to follow the situation to understand correctly.
 
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the letter

NYCindie, I had mentioned in a previous post that Bea asked me to write a letter "requesting" a meeting with Carrie because Carrie was unhappy that a "demand" was being made. Bea wanted me to use specific language in the letter that didn't feel natural for me, but I did it.

sagency, I'm not sure anything is moot for Carrie could change her mind.
 
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