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Hi, I have fallen in love with the most beautiful, clever, witty, intelligent and wonderful woman. I have never felt so loved and we can communicate in a way I have never had before. She is polyamorous and I have always been monogomous. Though I have had quiet a few sexual partners who have had boyfriends I have only once cheated on a partner and I guess I am saying this because I want to be honest and because I am trying to elicit some honest help, I am heterosexual and I feel no jealousy towards her main partner. She tells me she loves me just as much and I want to believe her. I have an anxious attachment style and I am about to start therapy. It's frustrating because although my partner is the focus of my anxiety, she is not the cause. I am more in love than ever before. She is beautiful, clever and amazing and I we have bonded so quickly and if she lets me I will love her all my life. The thing is though I will never be the one she sleeps with at night, I miss her and I am doing all I can to make my attachement style healthy. My friends tell me to run, that I will never be fulfilled, I try to explain what she means to me , that for me this is a long term commitment. Part of me hopes I can find someone who at least can help me understand. I wonder if I should try and embrace it, find someone who can help me fill the gaps, but I love my girlfriend and I feel I can't ask someone and I wouldn't even know where to start. How do you explain that you love someone and they love you and that whoever else you meet will be a secondary? Last night I asked my girlfriend how deep she wants this bond to go. How long she wants it to last. She told me it already runs deep in her too. That she wants it to last for all our lives. I want that too. I feel this deep bond and I will love her all my days if she wants it too. Yet I also need someone to watch TV and eat chinese with, someone to cuddle and she has a partner she lives with, so for her that will never be me.
Secondary is a word that scares me. I told my friend who is polyamorous about my relationship and he laughed and said "oh your the secondary". He told me I am going to get hurt, that her love for me was just infatuation and now his words haunt me. My love told me this was not true, that she loves me just as much but part of me can't help but hear the word echo at times. It's not jealousy, it's not about comparison, I would never change a thing about her. Yet the idea I am not important to her sets off my anxiety. I spent 5 years in a marraige where I was physically and emotionally abused and it destroyed so much of my personality and my lover heals me and loves me. The fact that I know I will never be her primary leaves me with a sense of worthlesness that leaves me in pain but in so many ways I am so lucky and the biggest way is that I have never been so in love and I just want to be happy and reassured with what I have. I am in what I believe is called a non-hierachal polyamorous relationship and I am trying to be more secure about it so would like to know what people think.
I want to better understand her and also come to terms with this. I am sorry to ramble but I don't know what to do or who to turn to to make sense of this.
Any advice, thoughts appreciated
Secondary is a word that scares me. I told my friend who is polyamorous about my relationship and he laughed and said "oh your the secondary". He told me I am going to get hurt, that her love for me was just infatuation and now his words haunt me. My love told me this was not true, that she loves me just as much but part of me can't help but hear the word echo at times. It's not jealousy, it's not about comparison, I would never change a thing about her. Yet the idea I am not important to her sets off my anxiety. I spent 5 years in a marraige where I was physically and emotionally abused and it destroyed so much of my personality and my lover heals me and loves me. The fact that I know I will never be her primary leaves me with a sense of worthlesness that leaves me in pain but in so many ways I am so lucky and the biggest way is that I have never been so in love and I just want to be happy and reassured with what I have. I am in what I believe is called a non-hierachal polyamorous relationship and I am trying to be more secure about it so would like to know what people think.
I want to better understand her and also come to terms with this. I am sorry to ramble but I don't know what to do or who to turn to to make sense of this.
Any advice, thoughts appreciated
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