Help needed with a potential partner opening up relationship "for" me

[confusedandunsure]

Hi, new here and looking for some guidance.

For context, I am in a poly relationship with a nesting partner. Things are good on that front, but I need advice on what to do about someone that I'm entangled with...

A co-worker and I have been getting closer as what we truly thought was a friendship level for about a year. He is in a monogamous marriage and has kids. We had a bond that we both thought was platonic until we realized it wasn't. He told me he thought I'd make a good partner and I told him I thought the same of him - it just... clicked.

We've been talking about the situation for a week now and he does think he wants to see if something could happen with us, but of course needs to have some pretty hard conversations with his wife first. I know it's a potentially messy situation for both of us on many different levels, and I'm really scared for him (and myself).

Even before anything between us was realized, we had talked about polyamory from my perspective and experience. He had been interested at the time and trying to understand. Now, he seems to be really working on this thinking and doing a lot of reflecting. I fully believe he is still deeply in love with his wife and the life they have together, and he says that he just is now understanding that things don't "have" to be going down the usual routes of monogamy, which hadn't been something that he'd been able to understand before me talking about my own experience as being poly.

I also have talked to him about how his feelings towards me can't be coming from feeling like there's a lack of something between him and his wife. They have had some issues and stressors recently and his wife gave him the okay to sleep with other people, but that's clearly not what this is. And to be clear, we have not escalated anything physically from what we had done before (hugs and the like).

I've told him that he needs to figure out what he wants and how to bring it up, but I've said he needs to be 100% honest about the fact that his feelings for me would be the "reason" for his ideas on monogamy have shifted. He is also trying more actively to fix the issues that he has with his wife currently... but I really fear that she may completely reject the idea and our friendship would be irreparably broken. I still value him first and foremost as a friend.

Any advice on how to navigate this? And when does it become an emotional affair vs him understanding something new about himself? I don't want his wife to get hurt by any of this because I really want them to be happy, but this whole thing has just suddenly blown up and I'm not sure what to do now.

Thanks for any advice you can give!

 

[Magdlyn]

Just in my opinion, I don't connect with the term "emotional affair." Some people throw it all around, when a friendship develops into something deeper, as if you go from being pure and innocent to suddenly evil for more deeply bonding and appreciating someone you have met and gotten to know better.

Affairs must have the element of deception to be considered such, aka cheating.

I personally wouldn't date someone whose marriage was in trouble, who may have been told by their spouse in a fit of spite, "Okay, then, go fuck other people, I don't care!" or something like that.

Many formerly mono couples decide to open their relationships to loving and having sex with others when one or the other of them suddenly realizes they've really fallen for someone else. But any couple who wants to remain together would do well to take at least a year to research and discuss what they are getting themselves into by opening up. That includes opening to casual sex, but even more to polyamory, since, obviously, feelings are involved, and the couple can get hurt, and so can the new SO.

You're not going to want to hear this, but I'd recommend stepping back and letting your friend come more to terms with whatever struggles he's having with his spouse. Not to mention, there are innocent children in the mix. Maybe he and his wife have grown apart and want to split. Maybe they can seek counseling and reconcile their differences. Maybe they want to formally separate but continue to live together to coparent... I have no idea. But it would be kindest to avoid emotional intimacy with your friend, to let the fire die down at least somewhat, so he can focus on his main responsibilities-- to his family.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello confusedandunsure,

You have confessed your feelings to him, and he has confessed his feelings to you, now the ball is in his court, and when he brings it up with his wife, the ball will be in her court. There isn't a lot you can do at this point, you have to let the chips fall where they may, and adapt to the end result. Not everyone can do polyamory. For some people, it's just not on the table. This may be the case with this new love interest, sometimes people fall in love but can't act on it. But I will keep my fingers crossed that his wife will give the okay.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

I don't know if my opinion helps you any, but I don't think getting involved with coworkers is a good idea.

He told me he thought I'd make a good partner and I told him I thought the same of him - it just... clicked.

I would have shut that down then. "No, thanks. Not appropriate. You are monogamously married and we are coworkers. We aren't going to be dating partners."

We've been talking about the situation for a week now, and he does think he wants to see if something could happen with us, but of course needs to have some pretty hard conversations with his wife first. I know it's a potentially messy situation for both of us on many different levels, and I'm really scared for him (and myself).

And that is why. He's talking to you before he's even sorted anything out with his wife. He's jumping the gun in declaring himself to you prematurely. His wife could take that as him stepping out on his marriage. However cute, fun, or attractive he is, you deserve a better poly-dating offer than THIS. Dating a guy who is having marriage issues, doesn't know anything about poly dating, is kinda stepping out on his marriage... meh. Too messy. And for you... scary.

Why pick that over dating healthy people who can offer you poly dating on the level, rather than all wonky? You are already in a poly relationship with a nesting partner. YOU are in the clear for healthy poly dating and don't have to truck with messy or scary.

You could reassess, too. Is what you call "friend" him using you like the free therapist? Or like his way out of a marriage he doesn't want any more?

He is also trying more actively to fix the issues that he has with his wife currently... but I really fear that she may completely reject the idea and our friendship would be irreparably broken. I still value him first and foremost as a friend.

You can't know what's going to happen with them. They might stay together, they might break up, they might change to polyamory, or some other kind of non-monogamy. And whatever happens in their romantic relationship, they STILL have to coparent, and that could be decent or ugly.

But YOU do not have to sign up to be the one he dates amid all that. Your consent to do things or not belongs to YOU. You are allowed to decide "Nope. Too messy and too scary for me. I'm not touching that one with a ten-foot pole." YOU decide what you get involved in.

If you value him most as a friend, I suggest you steer clear of all that. Be firm. Tell him, "Do what you have to do with your wife, but dating me is off the table. We're friends only."

He's rethinking his whole life based on poly conversations with you. Latching on to the "poly mentor" sometimes happens. New shiny ideas and there you are -- a handy person to pin them on. Like teens with their posters on the wall -- celebrity crushes they can pin fantasies on safely, and try things out on, in their heads.

Just because he's crushing doesn't mean you should actually date him. He can poly-date OTHER people instead.

And when does it become an emotional affair vs him understanding something new about himself?

To me? He's understanding something new about himself, AND it's already an emotional affair if he's declaring his interest in dating you before he's even talked to his wife and opened his marriage.

I'm not even sure if the new thing he understands is, "I'm polyamorous." It might just be, "I'm not into my wife anymore. Here's this coworker I'm crushing on. Maybe I'll do poly to get with that coworker so I don't have to deal with being on my own while breaking up with the wife."

Some people do that, line up a new one before dropping the old one to avoid being alone in between. And some "accept poly" to get with a partner because they come with a poly partner already. So to gain dating access to them, they deal with the ones who "came before me" as part of the price of admission. Then they get really weird if you date anyone else "after them." Dating monogamous people or recent converts can sometimes come with issues.

You sound like you aren't up for messy or drama stuff. Rather than worrying about his wife getting hurt or not, I think you could worry about YOU getting hurt.

I don't want his wife to get hurt by any of this, because I really want them to be happy, but this whole thing has just suddenly blown up and I'm not sure what to do now.

You could step back and bow out. Not get involved.

Could tell him, "You have things to sort out with your wife. Dating me is NOT on the table. As your friend, I think you need to get it better together with your wife, or break up decently and sort your coparenting out. You might think about talking to a marriage counselor. Stepping out on her behind her back to declare yourself to me prematurely is not great. It is unkind to her and unkind to me. I'm bowing out til you get your life better together. You can contact me after you and your wife are sorted out, if you want to resume a friendship outside of work. You can expect me to be basic polite at work."

Then see if he sorts his life out, apologizes to you, and actually STAYS your friend, or not.

Galagirl