Help needed

johann

New member
Firstly, I would like to introduce myself…
I’m gay male from Europe, 30 years old and at the moment single.

Now, the situation:

I’ve been in relationship with my ex Luka for 3 years and it was really great, we loved each other and broke up because he was cheating on me. Of course, I was devastated, but so was he in a way. We broke up 2 years ago, and spent 6 months without any contact. In May 2015., we started to talk again, I met his boyfriend Marko (since we share the same circle of friends), and after some time I have fallen in love with his new boyfriend Marko and we started having an affair (Marko and me). Marko loves Luka, but he has some strong feelings for me as well and that’s why we continued to see each other. In the same time, I would lie to myself, or anybody else, that all my feelings for Luka have disappeared, I still care for him and feel awful because I can’t tell him what’s happening behind his back.
Marko and me, we have started thinking about including me into their relationship. At this moment, we are not completely sure if Luka would like that but Luka’s relationship with me changed as well in the past few months and we are becoming closer day by day (he comes to my place when seeking advice, tells us how he likes a lot when the three of us hang out together, makes plans for us three, invites me to have a beer with him (without Marko) and then tells me that the he had a wonderful time…) but I still cannot be sure about his feelings. He was always a bit anxious and unsure about everything. The three of us also share a group chat on facebook and chat all day long.

I had a conversation with Marko a few days ago and he is sad that he cannot share his feelings with the both of us in the same time. I feel the same, and don’t like the situation where I’m doing something behind my ex’s back. I know, that if he finds out what’s happening, he would be devastated as I was when he was doing the same thing to me and that everything would end for us.

I’m not a mean person, and I’m not doing anything with Marko just because I want to hurt him. I truly care for them but Luka and I are currently in front of the brick wall. We are trying to make this happen, but are unsure how to continue from this point on. Also, we are aware that we can fail, and we discuss about failure all the time, just to make sure that we don’t loose our heads in the process.

Thank you for reading this. Hopefully, my English was good enough so that you get the picture about my situation. I would really appreciate if you could give me/us some advice. We are trying so hard to make this happen and to make our lives richer and more fulfilling.

I’m sending you warm greetings and hope for some kind guidelines from you.
 
Hi johann, your English was very clear & understandable! Thanks for sharing your story. Here are my thoughts on what you posted.

Marko and me, we have started thinking about including me into their relationship.

It is not useful to progress this thinking without Luka involved in the conversation. But your affair with Marko could make this very difficult for you! Do you really want to see if a multiple relationship of some kind will work between you, Marko and Luka? Then - in my opinion - your best chance will be to stop the affair, confess to Luka, explain what you desire, then give Luka and Marko plenty of space to process the cheating. Do not expect a positive response from Luka. It may take a long time for Luka to heal from the cheating from both of you, and you should keep in mind that this may never happen.

Yes, this path involves risk. But not much more risk than what is going on for you right now, if Luka were to find out about the affair.

Regarding a (V or triad) relationship between you, Marko and Luka, you say:

At this moment, we are not completely sure if Luka would like that...

But regarding the affair, you say:

I know, that if he finds out what’s happening, he would be devastated ... and that everything would end for us.

Luka's feelings about a shared relationship with you & Marco will almost certainly be connected to his feelings about the cheating. You can't think of one without the other. So let's assume that Luka would not accept a V or triad with you right now!

It can be hard to transition a relationship from cheating to an honest, open relationship. Some people find this article helpful: http://felislunae.org/relationships-love/coming-clean/

In your case, it may help that there is some history between you three already, and possibly some natural 'empathy' on Luka's part as Luka cheated on you with Marko in the past. But really, it's probably going to be very, very messy!

Perhaps you were thinking of proposing a shared relationship to Luka but not confessing about the current affair between you and Marko. This is a shaky foundation for any relationship, whether mono or poly, and I can't imagine anyone would recommend this. I certainly wouldn't.

Finally, I notice that you seem to have hope about the future of this potential joint relationship because of Luka's positive feelings about you right now. Yes, he seems to enjoy you being in his and Marko's life, hanging out the three of you etc. This is not a reason for hope, though. In fact, it is more likely to make any fallout from the betrayal even worse. So it's time to stop dreaming, and be very careful from now on if you want to give this the best chance of working out for the three of you.

That all said and done, you could get extremely lucky and find that Luka was hoping for the same development! Unfortunately, the cheating may still ruin this, but you never know - sometimes people and situations can surprise you.

Good luck with this tricky issue, johann.
 
Hi johann,

I hope you have an exit strategy for your affair with Marko. If transitioning into a poly triad serves that purpose, then by all means attempt to do that. Perhaps the three of you could sit down and discuss the possibility. You could talk about polyamory and learn a little about it. Franklin Veaux's Poly FAQ is a good place to start. Reading and posting on this forum will also help, and we have a Golden Nuggets board that's great for learning the basics.

Whatever you do, do it soon. Affairs are scary business, you can easily get caught and that would be a disaster. Confessing the affair before you're caught would be better ...

Hopefully what we've told you has been helpful so far.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

Basically you have some choices to make.

  • (Stop cheating with Marko) or (keep on cheating with Marko)
  • (Tell Luka about the cheating) or (don't tell about the cheating)
  • (Ask Luka if he wants to be in a poly thing with you and Marko) or (don't ask Luka if he wants to be in a poly thing with you and Marko)

No matter what you pick about the other things, I think you could stop cheating with Marko. It's not loving behavior. You could expect more from yourself than that. You could expect more from Marko than that. And you could treat Luka better than that. I think you know that already.

Galagirl
 
Dear fuchka, Kevin and GalaGirl, thank you so much for all your replies.

I will definitely stop cheating Luka with Marko starting from now. I've realized that continuing with cheating doesn't help in our situation and that we should look for some other way out.
I need to speak with Marko first since he's the one in relationship right now and see if he's ready to take any of the steps you have mentioned (not about if he's ready to stop with cheating, that's my decision and I will let him know why we cannot continue with it). It's going to be hard to convince him to make things clean, considering his anxious personality, but I'll try my best.

If something else comes to your mind, feel free to let me know. I'll keep you posted on a progress and check the links. :)

Johann.
 
That sounds good. Hang in there.
 
Back
Top