Help... NRE fading

[Frassasass]

I’m new to ENM and polyamory. I’m seeing an awesome guy who I have an amazing bond with. We started out strong, building a deep connection and attraction over the past few months.

I’m still very much feeling NRE and want to keep on the trajectory. He, who is dealing with a lot on his personal life at the moment that does need his attention priorities, feels that the NRE took his focus off of his other responsibilities in his life (marriage, kids, etc.).

So now I’m left with this kind of let down. It scares me that it means he doesn’t care, I’m not important to him or that he isn’t interested anymore, even though he has said he definitely is.

How do I navigate this? Does the closeness or intensity of everyone’s relationships ebb and flow?

We both feel this is a long-term connection. I’m just confused.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

NRE is the initial phase of a relationship, all pink clouds and fluffy lalas -- like feeling high. But it is not a sustainable thing. Eventually all that "wheee!" stuff fades, reality kicks in and you get to see if you are actually compatible long term, without the NRE clouding the view. It's a GOOD thing.

I’m still very much feeling NRE and want to keep on the trajectory.

WHICH trajectory?

• Being high on NRE, enjoying the honeymoon bubble?
• Or moving on in the development of the relationship WITHOUT the NRE high?

He, who is dealing with a lot on his personal life at the moment that does need his attention priorities, feels that the NRE took his focus off of his other responsibilities in his life (marriage, kids, etc.).

It sounds like he's being honest about where he is at. NRE tends to go for 6-24 months, and you two are different people. Maybe he's coming off the NRE cloud faster than you. It doesn't mean he doesn't care, you are not important, and he's not interested. It just means he's coming out of the clouds because he needs to tend to real-life things now.

I’m left with this kind of let down. It scares me that it means he doesn’t care, I’m not important to him or that he isn’t interested anymore. Even though he has said he definitely is.

Why do you not believe him? Is he not trustworthy?

How do I navigate this?

What is the "this" you need help navigating? Your scared feelings? You wanting more NRE time and him moving out of it? Something else? This is not clear to me.

Does the closeness or intensity of anyone’s relationships ebb and flow?

Yes it does.

We both feel this is a long-term connection.

If you both think this is a long term connection, what's the problem? Keep being together.

I know coming out of NRE can sometimes feel like withdrawal, a let down, or a hangover. But that doesn't mean the whole relationship is ruined. It just means you are coming down from those intense emotions and brain chemistry.

Galagirl

 

[Jade]

Try not to fret. That NRE high can’t last forever. The upside is that when you’re not in the grip of passion, you can more thoughtfully and compassionately navigate poly challenges.

How to cope with what may feel like lopsided interest: remember that NRE reduction is a natural and necessary process for the relationship to last long term. I’ve had NRE last more than 3 years in a long-distance relationship, but in retrospect, that NRE made things hazy and more challenging than they would have been otherwise. So, enjoy it for what it is, but maybe also welcome the change. You never know what joys that freed-up mental energy will bring.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Frassasass,

NRE is tricky. It can fade out in one partner, well before it fades out in the other partner. This is what is happening to you. This guy you're seeing has kind of been forced out of NRE by his marriage, kids, and other responsibilities in his life. For you this may mean that he won't be able to see you as long or as often as he could previously. This doesn't mean he no longer has feelings for you, he has just had a wake-up call about the rest of his life. What you have to decide is whether the time he still devotes to you is enough to meet your needs. If it is, then I would suggest that you don't have a problem. You are just nervous because the NRE is fading, and you are afraid that he will break up with you. I admit I don't know whether that fear is justified. Sometimes people break up. It happens.

Fingers crossed for you,
Kevin T.

 

[Bobbi]

feels that the NRE took his focus off of his other responsibilities in his life

This is very common in NRE and is something to watch out for and try to prevent, especially in poly relationships. Just because a person has NRE doesn't mean they can ignore their other relationships. He has corrected this, which is good for him as a hinge, but you now feel like something has been taken away. These are things you need to work on if you are to remain in a poly relationship. The monogamous programming is strong and takes continuous work to learn a new way of thinking.

I'm sure you would be hating life if he found a new shiny person and neglected you. Being poly means you give space for other relationships. Remember, he’s poly. He’s not having an affair with you because he is unhappy in his marriage. You will not replace her.

It’s said that being poly isn’t about being comfortable having multiple partners, it‘s about being comfortable seeing your partner have multiple partners.

You need to ask if being in a poly relationship is right for you, if you are willing to work through very tough monogamous programming that will pop up for years to come, or if you’d be happier being the center of someone’s world with nobody else in the picture.

Good poly relationships are a lot more work and will not last if passively enjoyed. They take a lot of self-reflection and personal growth.

 

[LoveBunny]

See, I'm of a mind that whatever amount of attention/time you give me in the beginning, you better be able to sustain it, because I will not be happy with the excuse that I'm no longer new and shiny, and therefore, to the backburner with me.

NRE, and its ending, happens in monogamous r'ships too.

 

[Frassasass]

I totally understand that. Hence why it’s a terrible feeling

 

[Magdlyn]

See, I'm of a mind that whatever amount of attention/time you give me in the beginning, you better be able to sustain it, because I will not be happy with the excuse that I'm no longer new and shiny and therefor to the backburner with me.

NRE, and it's ending, happens in monogamous r'ships too.

I understand that. My gf's NRE faded in 3 months, but she suffers from anxiety/depression, PTSD, and ADHD (she's on meds and has had years of therapy, but it's never going to go away completely). However, we slid into a deep "established relationship intimacy" quite quickly, full of cuddles, security, fascinating conversation, learning new things together, going on adventures, etc. Her libido is just much lower than mine, unfortunately. But she knew much more about kink than I did when we met, so we did lots of kinky things for years. Not as much now... Hence one big reason I was always seeking horny kinky men to fill that need of mine.

My current bf and I are 2 1/2 years in, and he's just as passionate and attentive as ever. We're definitely out of the NRE stage. He's just an intense guy, romantic, and his love language is touch, so we have tons of sex. He's also very verbal though, and expresses his love that way, saying all the sappy goofy things you'd hear in a love song (almost to the point where I have to change the subject sometimes lol). And our sex life is through the roof.

 

[Magdlyn]

Let's not forget that one part of NRE is the anxiety around the new person: do they like me as much as I like them? Who are they, really? Are we going to be long-term compatible after the first infatuation (NRE) fades?

And other anxiety: am I neglecting my job, housework, family, platonic friends and other lovers? Am I neglecting MYSELF?

 

[Frassasass]

Omg yes I feel this so much

 

[Frassasass]

I understand that. My gf's NRE faded in 3 months, but she suffers from anxiety/depression, PTSD, and ADHD (she's on meds and has had years of therapy, but it's never going to go away completely). However, we slid into a deep "established relationship intimacy" quite quickly, full of cuddles, security, fascinating conversation, learning new things together, going on adventures, etc. Her libido is just much lower than mine, unfortunately. But she knew much more about kink than I did when we met, so we did lots of kinky things for years. Not as much now... Hence one big reason I was always seeking horny kinky men to fill that need of mine.

My current bf and I are 2 1/2 years in, and he's just as passionate and attentive as ever. We're definitely out of the NRE stage. He's just an intense guy, romantic, and his love language is touch, so we have tons of sex. He's also very verbal though, and expresses his love that way, saying all the sappy goofy things you'd hear in a love song (almost to the point where I have to change the subject sometimes lol). And our sex life is through the roof.

That “established relationship intimacy” describes what we have perfectly. It’s like wr are the perfect fit

 

[Magdlyn]

That “established relationship intimacy” describes what we have perfectly. It’s like wr are the perfect fit

Okay, so it sounds like you're good. You're moving through the normal stages of (hopefully) long-term compatibility, after the initial thrills and chills fades, the rose-colored glasses come off, and you're seeing each other for who you truly are.

There's a wise saying that when you first meet someone, you're not meeting them, you're meeting their representative. Everyone puts their best foot forward for the first while. It's only after you both go through some hardships together that you know you can trust them to be there for you, and that's when real love starts.

 

[Frassasass]

I appreciate you. Thank you

 

[Bobbi]

I will not be happy with the excuse that I'm no longer new and shiny, and therefore, to the backburner with me.

I don’t know if you were responding to me, but that’s not what I meant. It’s more that people can accidentally neglect current obligations in NRE. He has neglected his wife and child because of NRE and corrected it as he should have. It's not that she was put on the backburner, he just got carried away. NRE can do that. As both hinges and legs, we have to be aware if these things are happening and correct them, so as to not neglect anyone.

Being in a poly relationship also means you might not get the time you want, as well. If a new partner is found, where time is limited, that time has to come from somewhere. The chances of time being reduced for one or more partners to make time for a new partner is real and must be negotiated if you want to keep that relationship. You can always say no and end it, but know that the possibility is there in poly. Communicate your wants and needs to your partner and if they cannot provide for you, then you’ll have to let it go.

This all may be easier said than done and why many do not practice poly long term.