I'm sorry you are hurting.
How long have you been practicing ENM? How old is this agreement? Is this the first time this agreement is bumping?
I guess the first thing is to try to cool off. Then reflect on the original agreement and test it if was reasonable/rational/realistically keepable as written.
What was the agreement FOR? What was it trying to achieve? And WHO agreed to uphold this agreement? Just spouse? Or the friend agreed to this too?
We are in an ethically non-mono relationship and have always had an agreement that my spouse would tell me when they were interested in someone. We also have an agreement that I not be home when they are engaged in sexual activities with someone.
Does the agreement pass the reality checks? Create unforseen or unwanted circumstances or consequences? Was this agreement one of those "sounds good on paper, but not really practical in real life" kind of things?
Next you could reflect on your tolerance for mistakes happening.
Sounds like they both owned it pretty soon after it happened. They didn't try to hide or pretend it didn't happen. So... how much weight does that carry with you? In the past, has either one ever been inconsiderate? Not trustworthy? Can people make mistakes around you, or do you expect them to be perfect at all times from the get go?
Was this an honest mistake, because they got carried away in the moment? Does the original agreement make space for spontaneity or does this happening highlight "Oh. We forgot to make space in our agreements for safe, spontaneous encounters."
Is this a hard line with you? Or a soft limit? Where you land on forgiveness? Second chances?
The irritating thing is had my spouse mentioned interest in them and done it somewhere else or when I wasn’t home, I wouldn’t have had a problem with it.
- Do you want to sever your relationship with both friend and spouse because they didn't follow the original agreement as written?
- Are you willing to stay married and stay friends only if they agree never to share sex again?
- Something else?
So why the problem with it now?
The expectation was what?
- That he should have woken you up to tell you he's interested in sex with the friend before doing it. And that meets part 1 of the agreement.
- And then he and the friend should have gone elsewhere to share sex -- in the car on a road somewhere, or her place, or tell you to get up go to a coffee shop so you are not at home and they can use the house. And that meets part 2 of the agreement.
- Or did you have another expectation? That he tell you today, and him and friend wait to share sex til tomorrow or next week or?
- Were expectations actually articulated? Understood in the same way by all the agreement keepers?
How much do you and spouse value spontaneity? And is there room in the original agreements for that to happen in?
Does the physical floor plan of the shared home allow him to have his own bedroom for guests? Or not so much?
But why do you
need to give consent for them
to share sex? Isn't the sex they share between their
I could be wrong. But to me it sounds like you need full information so you can give continued consent
to spouse. So you can decide whether or not you want to share YOUR body with your husband again through sex. You seem to want to know if there's been new people that he shared sex with since the last time him and you shared sex together.
So... is the problem in the original agreement the TIMING of when to tell? That is the part that is not reasonable or realistic? You were putting the communication time before he chooses to share his body with someone else. Could it serve you all better to place the communication time before he shares his body again with YOU? Then there can be room for spontaneity AND giving you full info so you can give informed consent or not?
These are all things only you can answer for yourself -- what you are and are not willing to put up with, what you are willing to bend on and adjust when the reality checks pop up, etc.
I suggest you do your soul searching. If the relationships with both spouse and friend have been good ones til now... maybe it's ok to give a second chance. Like three strikes, and then you are out.
Or... don't and call it one and done. They broke it, you are out of here on one strike.
It's your call. You get to decide where your limit of tolerance lies.