Help with anxiety

Angray39

New member
Hello, I’m new to poly. I have never had any loving relationships outside my husband but he has has 2 now on the last 3 years. The first was not approached in the right way. He said open relationship at first then kept moving the goalposts until finally saying he was poly and wanted this other woman to be equal to me. This was a huge hit to me since I had been through so many ups and downs with this man over our entire adult lives. I didn’t handle it well and he made poor choices leading to a separation. We were able to work things out and the girlfriend was out of the picture. Now we are way more open and honest about everything. His new gf is amazing. I’ve met her and she’s very friendly and open and honest. My husband keeps saying how he wants to spend more time with her (they currently meet twice a week). At the time I said ok how about mon, we’d, and Friday you spend with her. Now after agreeing I am feeling very anxious all the time. My husband has spent so much energy on making me feel loved and protected but I can’t seem to shake the axcious feeling. My heart rate is elevated and has been for 3 days now. He went over to her place Sunday and won’t be back until Tuesday night after work. I’m really nervous to do something that would jeopardize our relationship so I’m not sure what to say to him that isn’t me denying poly all together. This is something he needs but something I can either have or go without. I’m trying to talk to people and date more. Which was fun a week ago but now just spiking my anxiety more. Will this get better or are we just a bad fit? We have been married for 17 years and I don’t want to lose him
 
That sounds stressful and painful, even though you like her and you trust him and everyone is open and honest (well, you're temporarily being a little less than honest while you work though these feelings, aren't you, but I get wanting to get some clarity before bringing it to them).

So, what's the issue about moving from regular visits a week to three? Why has it sparked such a reaction in you?

And if you said you can deal with Monday, Wednesday and Friday, what's this Sunday to Tuesday thing he's doing right now?

Here's a thread discussing things from the other perspective https://polyamory.com/threads/for-m...ears-of-your-poly-partner-leaving-you.154716/ perhaps something there might inspire you in your thoughts.

Maybe, without even knowing what's bothering you about the change from two to three visits, you can have a sit down with him (them? How kitchen table is this?) and be forthcoming about your fears.

I hope that you and he are taking time to "date" each other too and do the romantic stuff as well as the cohabiting stuff.

(p.s. if you're worried you're going to end up doing extra household chores because he's out more, talk with him about him getting certain things done before he goes).
 
That sounds stressful and painful, even though you like her and you trust him and everyone is open and honest (well, you're temporarily being a little less than honest while you work though these feelings, aren't you, but I get wanting to get some clarity before bringing it to them).

So, what's the issue about moving from regular visits a week to three? Why has it sparked such a reaction in you?

And if you said you can deal with Monday, Wednesday and Friday, what's this Sunday to Tuesday thing he's doing right now?

Here's a thread discussing things from the other perspective https://polyamory.com/threads/for-m...ears-of-your-poly-partner-leaving-you.154716/ perhaps something there might inspire you in your thoughts.

Maybe, without even knowing what's bothering you about the change from two to three visits, you can have a sit down with him (them? How kitchen table is this?) and be forthcoming about your fears.

I hope that you and he are taking time to "date" each other too and do the romantic stuff as well as the cohabiting stuff.

(p.s. if you're worried you're going to end up doing extra household chores because he's out more, talk with him about him getting certain things done before he goes).
 
You can go back and and edit the above post to add your own text.
 
Hello Angray39,

You had an agreement: He would spend Monday, Wednesday, and Friday with her. Now he's staying with her from Sunday thru Tuesday. That is not what you agreed to. No wonder you're feeling anxious.

Honestly, I think three days a week is too much anyway. You thought you could try it, and that's fine, but now that you've experienced it, you've found out that it's more than you can stand. Tell him to go back to two days a week. He is letting NRE get the best of him.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.
 
My heart rate is elevated and has been for 3 days now.

I'm not a doctor, but I think you might want to have a talk with one. Depending on what "heart rate is elevated" means to you, this might be something you want a professional to take a look at. Either a shrink because you have severe separation anxiety, or a cardiologist because you've got something going on with that side of the system.

If this heart thing is just hyperbole, then I'd say you are just experiencing a new challenge and you are having anxiety symptoms as a result.

Which was fun a week ago but now just spiking my anxiety more. Will this get better or are we just a bad fit?

One of two things will happen as your husband continues to see his other partner. You will either learn to deal with your insecurities, and both of you will get to live your lives in the way you want, or you won't learn to deal with your insecurities and decisions will need to be made that will cause at least one person to not get what they want.

Only time will tell. For the moment I would say that you are just experiencing something new and you're working through your emotional response. This sort of thing can take time and practice, and until you have signs pointing otherwise, I would say that being a little anxious while you are becoming accustomed to it is pretty normal.

Once you have done this a handful of times and you don't seem to be getting better at handling your fears, that would be a good indicator that you just aren't built for it. At that point you would hopefully decide to gracefully bow out (as opposed to telling your husband he needs to be monogamous).
 
I'm sorry you struggle. I think it is normal to feel some anxiety right now.

It sounds like the previous attempt was a mess, so even though he promises to do better this time, and his new partner seems nice, you still have to be willing to risk another try so that you can see that this time there is no doom, so you can breathe a sigh of relief and relax.

But to find that out, you have to do what? That's right. Take the risk again.

He's already off for the weekend, so it's too late now for THIS trip. But I think you could review what happened and how your anxiety came into play.

I'm going to guess some things. Maybe it will give you some things to think about with your anxiety management.

I am an anxious person. To reduce it, I maintain strong boundaries and I do NOT leap up to serve. I expect actual requests. I also like knowing what's going on with the calendar with some notice. I do not like last-minute changes.

I also know some people in NRE are really obnoxious -- they get all caught up in the lalas and behave NRE drunk.

Right now it's still new. You don't have benefit of experience to think to yourself, "He's always this way for the first ____ weeks. Then he calms down. What helps me is ______." You are still learning all that.

The most recent past experience was a mess. So for anxiety, it might feel worse right now than before, where your past experience was zero, a blank slate, neutral. That comes with some anxiety too, but doesn't have shadows like this time around does. Here, you are coming out of an ugh past experience. So yeah, it might be more of a nail biter for you.

He said open relationship at first, then kept moving the goalposts, until finally saying he was poly and that he wanted this other woman to be equal to me. This was a huge hit to me, since I had been through so many ups and downs with this man over our entire adult lives.

So, is it that you don't like the changing goal posts? Do not want to practice a co-primary model? Would prefer some other kind of model?

Or do you have to assess how compatible you two are to begin with? Like, there were too many ups and downs already before, so you don't want to sign up for new ones in a poly context? Or something else, or a mix of the above.

My husband has spent so much energy on making me feel loved and protected, but I can’t seem to shake the anxious feeling.

Maybe it is not about what he does at home with you, because you already know how he is at home, when it's just him and you. Maybe it's how he handles himself as a hinge with two partners. That has yet to be seen. Or rather, so far, he's not been great at it. The old relationship was a mess, and with this new thing, it's too soon to tell. So, you feel anxious while waiting to find out how it is going to be.

My heart rate is elevated and has been for 3 days now.

He doesn't get home until tonight (Tues). See if it gets better once he's home.

My husband keeps saying how he wants to spend more time with her. They currently meet twice a week.

I didn't hear that DH was making any requests of you. Maybe he did, and you did not write about it. But like this, I just hear NRE lalas. DH wants to spend more time with her. DH could just as easily be saying he wants more ice cream, or, he wants a new shampoo.

It does not mean YOU have to do anything about any of it until he makes an ACTUAL request. If he's just making random announcements, so what?
  • You don't have to consider/coordinate schedule changes on the calendar with him.
  • You don't have to serve him ice cream.
  • You don't have to go out and buy him shampoo.
This is part of detangling. Sometimes anxiety makes us want to jump up to fix/solve the thing so the anxiety will go away, especially when it's multi-prong anxieties and you can't tell which is the one ACTUALLY poking you.
  • Anxiety about having to do conflict resolution with him, especially if he has the stronger personality and you tend towards passivity
  • Anxiety about you getting stuck with the home chores while he goes to have fun
  • Anxiety about wanting to know what's going on, and not have the schedule be like moving goal posts
  • Anxiety about him getting tired of having to work things out with you and just break up with you instead
So one might REACT and go "AAAH... do something to make this anxiety away!" and then later, regret the choice.

One way to help your anxiety is, you could slow down and ask yourself, "Is this even my thing to deal with, or is this just him making random announcements?" RESPOND rather than REACT. Until he ACTUALLY makes some kind of request, don't do anything about it.

I could randomly announce "I want pie." You aren't going to run off to bake me one, right?

At the time I said, "Okay, how about Mon, Wed, and Friday you spend with her?" Now after agreeing, I am feeling very anxious all the time.

Did you offer something you could not actually handle at this time? MWF? Or was that part was fine, but the anxiety was the overnight? How did it suddenly become a Sun-Tues overnight thing?

I wonder how you and DH negotiate. Is some of your anxiety source how you come to negotiate things? Is he a stronger personality? Are you a passive one? Do you have a hard time saying "No" to things?

I’m really nervous to do something that would jeopardize our relationship so I’m not sure what to say to him that isn’t me denying poly all together.
What would you be doing to jeopardize things, just saying how you feel?

What would he do to jeopardize it?

Have you both actually articulated the dealbreakers?

Are you doing something you don't really want to be doing just to avoid a break up? I cannot tell.

I also cannot tell if you and DH have some kind of "training wheel" agreements he has to get through to demonstrate his word IS going to be reliable this time. And he's not going to behave like before, with all the moving goal posts.

Do you? If not, maybe you could make this request: "Look, this overnight deal is pinging my anxiety a lot. Would you be willing to consider a slower ramp-up to the next one?"

If he agrees to work something out with you, whatever the terms of the "training wheel" agreements, he has to make good on it and you have to hold him accountable.

He slows the schedule down a bit.
  • MWF for __ weeks.
  • Then try a shorter overnight, rather than Sun - Tues, like he's gone 2 days, rather than 3 days, and has these overnights every ____ weeks.
  • Then shortening the time between overnights and/or going for longer days.
  • Then he schedules whatever he wants, so long as it's on the calendar ____ days/weeks ahead of time, not announcing it the night before and just ditching you with all the chores.
You list the tasks you will be doing on your side to mitigate anxiety -- seeing a doc, reading a book, joining a support group, etc. He holds you accountable.

Maybe plan the tasks you BOTH will do, like learning about Non-Violent Communication.

Presumably, if you do have such "training wheel" agreements, then his other partner will also know about it and consent.

It's not you being some kind of gatekeeper on his other relationships. It's also not him expecting you to just "lump it." It's coming up with some kind of "slow ramp-up" plan you can all live with, so this attempt is NOT a repeat of last time's wackiness, because you are all still newbies.

If you also need to see a doc and think about getting anxiety meds, take care of yourself and go. But don't take anxiety meds JUST to endure a wonky situation, YKWIM?

This is something he needs, but something I can either have or go without. I’m trying to talk to people and date more, which was fun a week ago, but is now just spiking my anxiety more.

So don't date right now. Know you also have the option, but you don't feel like exercising it right this minute.

Will this get better, or are we just a bad fit? We have been married for 17 years and I don’t want to lose him

I will gently suggest that the "old marriage" ended when you agreed to open up. You broke up on purpose to start a new relationship model. Now that you are in this new relationship model, nobody knows the future. Not even you can answer "Will this get better? Or are we just a bad fit for doing poly together?"

Being compatible for monogamous marriage does not automatically make people compatible for open or poly relationships. If you discover in doing this that you two are no longer compatible, you must be able to say, "I love you a lot. But I will not do stuff or continue in stuff that hurts me." You have to love yourself and take care of yourself, too.

Your consent to participate in things or not belongs to you. So if this ends up not being your cup of tea, you can bow out.

Galagirl
 
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It could be you're anxious because he moved the goalposts before when you weren't ready, and you're concerned it's happening again. If that's so, and he isn't, you very well might get over it with a little time and when he earns your trust. If he IS moving the goalposts to a place you don't want to go, well, your mental health and happiness needs to be your top priority.

If he's a good hinge, and your time with him is quality time, and you generally enjoy being in a V because you cherish your alone time, or love the freedom to have other partners, or feel compersion seeing your husband happy with two women in his life-- If this is the case, you can work on managing your anxiety and take extra care to create a full life when he's not around (good things to work on regardless.)

But if this arrangement really isn't what you want, and especially if you continue to feel bad anxiety, you'll have to rock the boat. I know you don't want to lose your husband, and I get that telling him you now realize you don't want to be without him almost half the week might not go over well. But you need to advocate for YOU--even if it means walking away from the marriage.
 
If your anxiety continues, it might be helpful to consider seeking guidance from a therapist or counselor who specializes in relationships and anxiety. They can provide you with strategies to manage your feelings and offer a safe space to explore your emotions.
 
I understand that this thread is from about a year ago, but I still want to offer some support and insights for anyone who might come across it or be in a similar situation.
 
Feeling anxious in such a situation is entirely understandable, and it's great that you're trying to communicate openly and honestly. Remember that it's okay to have mixed feelings about this journey, and it doesn't necessarily mean you're a bad fit.Don't forget to take care of yourself and prioritize your emotional well-being. Your feelings matter, too, and it's essential to find a balance that works for both you and your husband.If you're interested in exploring resources related to managing anxiety and relationships, I found a source that might be worth checking out: https://fherehab.com/learning/supplements-for-depression. Sometimes, different perspectives can offer guidance during challenging times.
 
Mod note: link is to an article. Valid. Not ad/spam.
 
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