Help with first time enm (i’m monogamous)

B

bazingatroll

New member
Hi all, I’m looking for advice or perspective and hope this is the right place.


and deeply monogamous, with an anxious attachment style I’ve been actively working on in therapy. I recently got out of a long relationship and was single for the first time, casually dating while planning a move. Hookups didn’t work for me emotionally, and I realized I need care and connection to feel safe.



I unexpectedly matched with someone in ENM who’s married ( open, dating separately). We had instant chemistry and strong emotional connection. He was clear he wanted something casual, which I accepted but I still felt myself grieving that limitation early on.



Over time, we built trust, communicated openly, and I practiced setting boundaries for the first time in my life. He consistently showed up with reassurance and respect. Our in-person connection and intimacy felt unusually deep and safe. However, we see each other infrequently, and I’m very aware I’m not a priority in his life.



the connection remains intense but contained, and I feel the emotional weight of loving someone I can’t fully have. I’m struggling to date others and feel lonely holding this as a monogamous person.



Has anyone experienced falling deeply in a “casual” ENM dynamic especially from the outside partner’s perspective? Any insight helps. Thank you 🤍
 
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I've been in both your shoes at different times of life. Kindly, he's not for you. He's not your future as a romantic partner, although you indeed have a life long friendship as a friend with benefits, and those benefits, over time, become more about the deep abiding, loving friendship - if you want it to. But you want your own person, yes. One all to yourself? Then it's not him. Have you heard of Reason, Season, Lifetime? If you end up as lifetime people, it will be as each other's cheerleaders, not spouses.

Go date others.

He's not your person and that's okay, he's taught you things to bring into your next relationship.

Now go use them.
 
You are still healing from a lot of things. It's ok to be in an "exploring" chapter of life. Even in monogamy, people don't "go steady" from date 1. It's ok not to be looking for that right now.

If you are dating for short-term relationship, be clear on that from the start with your potential. Like dating for a season: til the end of winter, til the end of vacation, til the work move, whatever it is. And when the parting time comes, you part ways peacefully.

I could be wrong in my impression, but it sounds like you want casual for now, with the OPTION to go deeper if it clicks. Here, you don't get that option. If you date an ENM person, they will NEVER be able to offer you monogamy. If that's something you desire eventually, maybe it's ok to pass on dating ENM people in order to spare yourself this kind of grief in future, esp when you are healing from other things?

I unexpectedly matched with someone in ENM who’s married (open, dating separately). We had instant chemistry and strong emotional connection. He was clear he wanted something casual, which I accepted, but I still felt myself grieving that limitation early on.
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It sounds like you learned NOT to accept that again.

It's ok to say, "I enjoyed talking and getting to know you some, but I'm not looking for ENM. We aren't a match. I wish you well in seeking." And you bow out BEFORE getting all attached.

The connection remains intense but contained, and I feel the emotional weight of loving someone I can’t fully have. I’m struggling to date others and feel lonely holding this as a monogamous person.
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You sound more than lonely. You sound like you are in anticipatory grief-- like you kinda know this is gonna end up broken up, and that's probably best in this situation. But you aren't excited about going through that. Could that be true?

Unfortunately, there may be more loneliness ahead, after you break up with this person. But then your 1 sweetie spot would be open again, and after healing from the breakup you can seek someone who aligns with what you seek and is more compatible for monogamy.

I'm glad it was a good experience, and healing in some ways to date him. But if it isn't a long-term match, it's just not.

Galagirl
 
yeah, i think it just got more than casual without us both expecting it. even if the structure is technically “casual” it doesn’t feel that way at all. I don’t really know from his perspective. but at least from his behavior, i can tell he feels the same.

We have been talking consistently for three months. a lot of effort and time has gone into this, and pacing on both ends once i think we realized how strong our connection is. I respect his relationship with his wife, and of course would not want our relationship to interfere with theirs. he did say something that has stuck out to me about their relationship. basically saying we both know (him and his partner) that it is possible to fall in love with someone else, and we know there are also ways to go about that, if that time comes. which makes me think he might be open to poly? but not sure.

i feel like i’ve been anticipating grief a lot with this because i don’t want to be naive about the structural limits of our connection. but i also think i have more to learn from the connection, and would be self-sabotaging if i just cut things off right now. it’s just been a lot to deal with being monogamous and kinda getting into this without knowing it would get this serious for me. and a lot of self soothing and emotionally dealing with this all myself. So thanks for your input. :)
 
Evie said:
I've been in both your shoes at different times of life. Kindly, he's not for you. He's not your future as a romantic partner, although you indeed have a life long friendship as a friend with benefits, and those benefits, over time, become more about the deep abiding, loving friendship - if you want it to. But you want your own person, yes. One all to yourself? Then it's not him. Have you heard of Reason, Season, Lifetime? If you end up as lifetime people, it will be as each other's cheerleaders, not spouses.

Go date others.

He's not your person and that's okay, he's taught you things to bring into your next relationship.

Now go use them.
Click to expand...
yes, i appreciate how blunt you are about it. i think it just sucks finally getting a connection where the possibility of it outside of reality would be literally everything i would want in a person. still mourning it sometimes, and also trying to learn from it and accept that this is just a learning lesson about myself and what i want with someone that can be mine fully. thanks for your input!
 
Hello bazingatroll,

It sounds like you are caught between a rock and a hard place. You do not want to break up with this man, but you also wish he was not ENM. I wish I could help you, you seem to be really struggling with this.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.
 
Your nickname is unsettling 🤔

Anyway, I agree with Evie. An encounter with enm can be deeply transformative, but to get locked into a casual dynamic if you want a serious one is a trap.

From your first post it seemed you enm person is making his boundaries clear, but in subsequent ones it's more blurry. I would ask again about how he wants to deal with NRE - the comment you cite could mean anything.

You seem to find the possibility of him being open to poly appealing. As someone who fell in love just as 'casually', still 11 years later in the relationship that should have been short term, I urge you to reconsider. Best case (in terms of developing a deep relationship with him)? You become a co-primary to his wife, and he splits his time somewhere close to 50-50. By the time that happens you will have interfered with their relationship hugely, probably against her choice, and your conscience will have to come to terms with that. But morals have a way to do so... ok. You now have a part-time husband. That's fine... most day to day situations are really ok. You get used to sleeping with your partner half of the nights, that's not a problem. You fet enough quality time, and you're over.jealousy with his other partner. So it's nice... most of the time. Until you plan vacation. Until you want to move and you can't because his wife is not moving an inch. Until you understand how hard it's to get two flats in the same house to make that timesplit effective. Until you don't wanna spend Christmas Eve with her, but he has to choose his kid. Until your relatives are everything but open to polyamory and your parner is banned from your grandma's house. Until you want a kid yourself and you can only expect half the support from your partner.

So if you already know you are monogamous, you don't want to date multiple people yourself... Just don't go deeper. (If I can judge based on my experience,) it's not going to get easier to break up.
 
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Tinwen said:
Your nickname is unsettling 🤔

Anyway, I agree with Evie. An encounter with enm can be deeply transformative, but to get locked into a casual dynamic if you want a serious one is a trap.

From your first post it seemed you enm person is making his boundaries clear, but in subsequent ones it's more blurry. I would ask again about how he wants to deal with NRE - the comment you cite could mean anything.

You seem to find the possibility of him being open to poly appealing. As someone who fell in love just as 'casually', still 11 years later in the relationship that should have been short term, I urge you to reconsider. Best case (in terms of developing a deep relationship with him)? You become a co-primary to his wife, and he splits his time somewhere close to 50-50. By the time that happens you will have interfered with their relationship hugely, probably against her choice, and your conscience will have to come to terms with that. But morals have a way to do so... ok. You now have a part-time husband. That's fine... most day to day situations are really ok. You get used to sleeping with your partner half of the nights, that's not a problem. You fet enough quality time, and you're over.jealousy with his other partner. So it's nice... most of the time. Until you plan vacation. Until you want to move and you can't because his wife is not moving an inch. Until you understand how hard it's to get two flats in the same house to make that timesplit effective. Until you don't wanna spend Christmas Eve with her, but he has to choose his kid. Until your relatives are everything but open to polyamory and your parner is banned from your grandma's house. Until you want a kid yourself and you can only expect half the support from your partner.

So if you already know you are monogamous, you don't want to date multiple people yourself... Just don't go deeper. (If I can judge based on my experience,) it's not going to get easier to break up.
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I hear what you’re saying, and I understand the structural realities you’re pointing to. I’m not pursuing co-primary, escalation, or a poly future, i’m being honest about my current emotional experience and learning from it. and sometimes that comes off as i’m confused because; i don’t want to really think of the ending..it does hurt and i am confused because im navigating something new and something i was not expecting because our chemistry is very strong. but I’m already aware that long term alignment likely isn’t there, and I’m holding that alongside the connection with care and discernment.
I appreciate you sharing your perspective.
thank you!
 
kdt26417 said:
Hello bazingatroll,

It sounds like you are caught between a rock and a hard place. You do not want to break up with this man, but you also wish he was not ENM. I wish I could help you, you seem to be really struggling with this.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.
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Thank you, I really appreciate the empathy. That’s a very accurate summary of where I’m at, and it helps to feel understood rather than judged. I’m taking things slowly and trying to be honest with myself as I navigate it, but can be a bit confusing at times.
 
Glad if I could help. Hang in there.
 
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