married male to other male. recently met another guy and developed a loving online relationship. What do i do next. currently in a 18 year closed relationship and we love each other deeply and have total trust and respect for each other. The last thing i want to do is to ever hurt or break his heart. I am interested in learning if a V relationship would be right for us or what i should do next.
Help with possible V relationship
- Thread starter fiddleman
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SEASONEDpolyAgain
Well-known member
Confess to cheating ?
Greetings fiddleman,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.
I take it your husband doesn't know about your loving online relationship with the other guy? If that's the case, you do need to inform your husband about that. Perhaps the thing to say is, "Honey, I need to let you know that I have started to have a loving online relationship with another guy. This doesn't change how I feel about you, but I wonder if we could try a polyamorous relationship." There may not be a way to come clean with your husband without him being upset, but not coming clean may just make things worse. You did not manufacture this situation on purpose, so hopefully your husband will come around and understand that you still love him as much as ever.
Hopefully this post helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"
Notes:
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Welcome aboard!
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.
I take it your husband doesn't know about your loving online relationship with the other guy? If that's the case, you do need to inform your husband about that. Perhaps the thing to say is, "Honey, I need to let you know that I have started to have a loving online relationship with another guy. This doesn't change how I feel about you, but I wonder if we could try a polyamorous relationship." There may not be a way to come clean with your husband without him being upset, but not coming clean may just make things worse. You did not manufacture this situation on purpose, so hopefully your husband will come around and understand that you still love him as much as ever.
Hopefully this post helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"
Notes:
There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!
Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.
Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.
If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.
Welcome aboard!
The problem is that you’ve already broken his trust and he’s gonna be hurt by that and no amount of calling it polyamory is going to change that. Sorry to be blunt, but it’s probably better that you realize that before you try to tell him about it.
And even if he does think that polyamory may be a good idea for the two of you… 1. The person you’re in an online relationship with may be considered “on the messy list” forever just because of what already happened and 2. Be prepared for him to want to have other partners as well, and start thinking about that now before you even approach it.
So what led you to pursue this online emotional affair?
What do you think a poly V is gonna do here?
I don't think suggesting a poly V is going to make up for the cheating.
Not gonna say it is IMPOSSIBLE, but it's rare that the betrayed spouse gonna be willing to forgive the affair, rebuild trust, change to a poly V, AND be ok with your former cheating affair partner being one of your poly partners.
They very well may say a condition to rebuilding trust with you and later considering poly is you dumping the cheating affair partner.
Then what?
Did the online affair partner know you were married? Or was this you telling them stories/keeping secrets there too?
And if you don't resolve what led to the affair in the first place... then what? It happens again?
Not judging. Just trying to understand where you are coming from and what the goal is here.
What do you think a poly V is gonna do here?
I don't think suggesting a poly V is going to make up for the cheating.
Not gonna say it is IMPOSSIBLE, but it's rare that the betrayed spouse gonna be willing to forgive the affair, rebuild trust, change to a poly V, AND be ok with your former cheating affair partner being one of your poly partners.
They very well may say a condition to rebuilding trust with you and later considering poly is you dumping the cheating affair partner.
Then what?
Did the online affair partner know you were married? Or was this you telling them stories/keeping secrets there too?
And if you don't resolve what led to the affair in the first place... then what? It happens again?
Not judging. Just trying to understand where you are coming from and what the goal is here.
Openbook23
Active member
As with the others above, I'd like to help, but this just sounds like cheating, not poly. You'd like to retcon it to poly, but I don't think that's possible. Here's an anecdote. I've been open to ENM for a long time. My wife wasn't sure about it, but when we ultimately did it, she asked for it. She had a crush on a coworker and shyly asked me if it would be OK. Then she admitted she had already kissed him. I was a bit surprised but said "Whatever. Go for it." I was still slightly upset that she didn't ask BEFORE the kiss, but it's just a kiss. No big deal. Let's redo that story with your scenario. I would have been hurt. The deception is the problem, and I think you know that.
We all make mistakes, and I'm guessing this is one where at first you thought "Ok, it's a slight transgression" and over time, it got more and more serious and telling your partner got harder and harder. Well, now it's going to be really hard. I'm sorry. We are human, and we make mistakes, but this is a big one. I have no idea how your partner will react, because I don't know him. But your ONLY chance at keeping all the people here is to be honest, work through the repairs, and hope that can restore everything. Alternatives: you break up with one of the two people you love....but which one? My guess is you don't want to lose either. So, it's time to do the hard part.
We all make mistakes, and I'm guessing this is one where at first you thought "Ok, it's a slight transgression" and over time, it got more and more serious and telling your partner got harder and harder. Well, now it's going to be really hard. I'm sorry. We are human, and we make mistakes, but this is a big one. I have no idea how your partner will react, because I don't know him. But your ONLY chance at keeping all the people here is to be honest, work through the repairs, and hope that can restore everything. Alternatives: you break up with one of the two people you love....but which one? My guess is you don't want to lose either. So, it's time to do the hard part.
How recently did this happen? A few months, or just weeks? How do you know it's "love"? How far away does he live? Is there really a chance for an actual relationship or is this just all fantasy? If you barely know this guy, there is a chance that once you get past the initial infatuation, he won't really be long-term compatible, but by then you'd have possibly lost your husband.
Online relationships can seem loving and good, but they aren't reality.
As others have said, you must confess. Monogamy is just one way to have loving relationships. Open relationships have been more common in the gay male community than in the hetero world, for a long time, so maybe you have a better chance at opening than a MF couple would. Best case scenario, your husband will also confess to feeling lust or love for other guys, and then you can go from there! You might need the help of a poly-friendly counselor though, to keep emotions in check.
The only way you will know is to tell your husband about your online emotional cheating and go from there. Best of luck.