Thank you for more info.
For some poly groupings, a primary-secondary model works out just fine and it can be healthy and sustainable. There isn't anything toxic about it. In others who like some BDSM/kink mixed in, setting up a "Queen Bee" situation or similar is wanted. So the primary/secondary thing takes on some of that flavor as well. To outsiders the power exchange might seem weird, but the participants dig it, so it is fun for them. In other groupings, a primary/secondary model can be a little possessive/controlling/restrictive in UNFUN ways. So really it depends on how it's done in the group and what the group wants or consents to do together.
You don't really "let" or "allow" your spouse have another partner. You are not their parent or caretaker. They are adults in charge of their own behavior choices. What you do if your partner asks if you are willing/able to do poly? Is think it over and then
consent to participate in a polyship or not. Your consent to do things or not belongs to you.
Presumably you want to be doing this of your own volition. (And not just going along with stuff you do not really want from fear of a break up or something. Right? )
Here it maybe sounds like primary-secondary model is not working out or is being outgrown? I don't know if any of these help you process.
COMMON PITFALLS IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS Many people who are in a primary relationship stumble into an outside relationship either by choice or by chance, and once involved, things can go beautifully or can go terribly awry. Here are some of the most common problems that develop and some ideas for
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“First Aid” for Jealousy: Know Your Jealousy Pie Chart from The Jealousy Workbook by Kathy Labriola, Counselor/Nurse, Introduction: What are you experiencing when you are jealous? Jealousy can include any or all of the following: anger and rage fear and even terror, betrayal anxiety or
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By Kathy Labriola, Counselor/Nurse JEALOUSY IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS In my counseling practice, I work with many people who have chosen to have open relationships--to have more than one intimate sexual relationship. The biggest obstacle to creating successful and satisfying open relationships is
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So far I'm not reading anything toxic per se. Just maybe struggling with the reality of polyshipping and sharing a hinge partner's time and attention with someone else?
I struggle without names. So I'm going to take the liberty of calling your Husband "Harry" and your Metamour "Mabel." I'm happy to go with whatever names you pick if you want something else.
Have you and Harry healed from the abusive marriages you had with other people in the past before you got married to each other? Done any work on leaving codependency behind? So these things are not casting a shadow over the new poly thing? How this this V get started?
At this time, Mabel the metamour has certain beliefs on how healthy poly should be for her. She wants.... what? Are these reasonable/rational things?
At this time, Harry the husband now agrees with these beliefs and wants poly to be like that for him too. He wants.... what? Are these reasonable/rational things?
You think healthy poly for you would look like .... what? Are these reasonable/rational things?
And do any of these things line up together?
Just because two people were compatible enough for monogamous marriage, doesn't mean they are going to be "automatically" compatible for doing open/poly relationships together. There's many models. Then when you add the other people's wants/needs, that adds more layers to work out compatibility in.
Galagirl