Help!

[PinkGirl]

My husband and I have been married for seven years and live abroad. We decided to try polyamory a few months ago. I have been dating two men. He has a group of friends and is interested in one of the women. I have had a few overnights and have made it my business to always be communicative and make him feel like he is my priority. If he calls, I will message him at the very least when I’m with the other men.

Recently, my husband asked for a trip home to see his family for a month. It has been a long time since we’ve been home so I purchased a plane ticket for him with the understanding that his friends would visit for a few days in his hometown and a few days in NY. A few days turned into two weeks, no call when he landed until the next day and limited calls and texts. Won’t pick up the phone, etc. i feel neglected. I’m supposed to meet him in the US for a family event but I’m so angry and sad. He has lied about his travel plans, and everything else. What should I do? The lies are unnecessary as I have always pushed for honesty. I don’t know what to do. Our relationship was great before this trip.the dishonesty and gaslighting is insulting.

 

[Jimmmm]

Hi, PinkGirl. I'm new to this site, but not (at all) to polyamory. It's a pleasure to meet you. I'm Jim(mmm).

I have several questions about what you related, so that I can better understand your present situation. Did you discuss keeping in close touch with your husband before he left on his trip? In what way has he lied about his travel plans "and everything else"? How is he gaslighting? Have you been able to reach him by phone at last? If and when you have talked with him by phone, has he explained what's going on, and has he indicated that he cares about how you're feeling and why?

 

[PinkGirl]

Hi, PinkGirl. I'm new to this site, but not (at all) to polyamory. It's a pleasure to meet you. I'm Jim(mmm).

I have several questions about what you related, so that I can better understand your present situation. Did you discuss keeping in close touch with your husband before he left on his trip? In what way has he lied about his travel plans "and everything else"? How is he gaslighting? Have you been able to reach him by phone at last? If and when you have talked with him by phone, has he explained what's going on, and has he indicated that he cares about how you're feeling and why?

Hello.

Yes, I was emphatic about maintaining daily contact in our agreements. We’re always in touch (I travel a lot for business out of the country). This behavior is new.

Lies include her arrival time in the US and time together. Halfway through his flight there he messages me, “oh wow… she’s there now,” when she wasn’t due for three days after his arrival which led to no calls until the next day. We never do that and it was his first time traveling without me.
He admitted that this was a lie, in addition to holding up his agreement, having a ticket to fly back to Chicago (interestingly that flight had to change - the ticket wasn’t booked) and the gaslighting is, “I told you all of this” or “I didn’t lie, even when he admitted to it. Lots of details were left out. He says he cares about my feelings but maintains the same behavior. All this while not admitting that he is in fact dating her. I overexplain to avoid him feeling this way with the expectation of the same. I want to be happy for him, but all of this dirt and deception is making it difficult. I have two non-negotiables; do not lie and don’t play me for a fool. He did both.

It’s obvious that he planned a vacation with her under the veil of her friends traveling with her. All I ask for is one call per day… that’s it. I have forgiven him for lying as we are still new in this and some truths are difficult, but I have never been so angry at.

 

[Jimmmm]

Hello.

Yes, I was emphatic about maintaining daily contact in our agreements. We’re always in touch (I travel a lot for business out of the country). This behavior is new.

Lies include her arrival time in the US and time together. Halfway through his flight there he messages me, “oh wow… she’s there now,” which led to no calls until the next day. We never do that and it was his first time traveling without me.
He admitted that this was a lie, in addition to holding up his agreement, having a ticket to fly back to Chicago (interestingly that flight had to change - the ticket wasn’t booked) and yeh gaslighting is, “I told you all of this…” where he did not or else we would have discussed it. Lots of details were left out. He says he cares about my feelings but maintains the same behavior. All this while not admitting that he is in fact dating her. I overexplain to avoid him feeling this way with the expectation of the same. I want to be happy for him, but all of this dirt and deception is making it difficult.

Thank you. That leads me to two more questions.

First, is this behavior totally out of the blue? That is, until this trip was there a strong bond of trust and honesty between the two of you? I understand that polyamory is new to the two of you, but have there been other instances (not necessary related to polyamory) where you feel that he has been dishonest with you?

Second, do you have any understanding why he would find it necessary to deceive you, given that your relationship explicitly allows for him to have other relationships? Is it that he feels, and is concerned that you might feel, that his first step into polyamorous behavior has gotten "out of control"?

 

[PinkGirl]

Thank you. That leads me to two more questions.

First, is this behavior totally out of the blue? That is, until this trip was there a strong bond of trust and honesty between the two of you? I understand that polyamory is new to the two of you, but have there been other instances (not necessary related to polyamory) where you feel that he has been dishonest with you?

Second, do you have any understanding why he would find it necessary to deceive you, given that your relationship explicitly allows for him to have other relationships? Is it that he feels, and is concerned that you might feel, that his first step into polyamorous behavior has gotten "out of control"?

We have had issues with dishonesty from him in the past but we have been really communicative and in our best place before he left. I feel he thinks I can’t handle the truth even thought I feel I have created a space for openness as I have been completely open to him. If he asks questions, I give solid answers… no maybe or I don’t know. I feel like I want to bail and just file papers. I can’t take being lied to to regain trust and let it happen again.

 

[Jimmmm]

We have had issues with dishonesty from him in the past but we have been really communicative and in our best place before he left. I feel he thinks I can’t handle the truth even thought I feel I have created a space for openness as I have been completely open to him. If he asks questions, I give solid answers… no maybe or I don’t know. I feel like I want to bail and just file papers. I can’t take being lied to to regain trust and let it happen again.

Do you think your husband realizes the gravity of the situation between the two of you? That you feel on the brink of ending the marriage?

 

[PinkGirl]

Do you think your husband realizes the gravity of the situation between the two of you? That you feel on the brink of ending the marriage?

I don’t think he cares or he is placing her feelings over mine. In any case, this isn’t what I signed up for. I guess extreme situations show who a person is. My eyes have definitely been opened.

 

[Jimmmm]

I don’t think he cares or he is placing her feelings over mine. In any case, this isn’t what I signed up for. I guess extreme situations show who a person is. My eyes have definitely been opened.

I recommend that the two of you seek couples therapy when he returns, PinkGirl. Even if you remain determined to decouple from him, therapy is likely to yield useful guidance. It seems as if the two of you will have quite a bit more to unpack than his luggage.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

Recently, my husband asked for a trip home to see his family for a month. It has been a long time since we’ve been home so I purchased a plane ticket for him with the understanding that his friends would visit for a few days in his hometown and a few days in NY.

This sounds very paternalistic. Like he had to ask you to go home and then you bought his ticket.. why doesn't he have his own spending power?

To me, a relationship like this is always going to result in someone rebelling against being treated like a child. He lied because he should have never been in a situation where he had to justify going away.

 

[PinkGirl]

He’s a trailing spouse and legally cannot work. He is there for his family but tacked this trip on in the beginning.

 

[Jimmmm]

This sounds very paternalistic. Like he had to ask you to go home and then you bought his ticket.. why doesn't he have his own spending power?

To me, a relationship like this is always going to result in someone rebelling against being treated like a child. He lied because he should have never been in a situation where he had to justify going away.

This is PinkGirl's quote: "It has been a long time since we’ve been home so I purchased a plane ticket for him with the understanding that his friends would visit for a few days in his hometown and a few days in NY." She doesn't say anything about his "asking" to go home. Also, she purchased a plane ticket for him; might that have been a gift, rather than a paternalistic controlled act? Might he have his own spending power? Also, the wording is "with the understanding that ...", not "under the condition that".

It seems to me that the second paragraph of the most recent reply to the original post is jumping to a conclusion that may or may not be correct -- especially the part imputing motivation of the husband.

That's how I see it, anyway.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

I didn't ask why he doesn't have his own money, I asked why he doesn't have his own spending power. if i marry someone and bring them to a foreign country, or agree to host them as my spouse, I wouldn't think of the money I have/earn as my money. So "I" wouldn't buy them a plane ticket. We'd be buying a ticket.

 

[PinkGirl]

I didn't ask why he doesn't have his own money, I asked why he doesn't have his own spending power. if i marry someone and bring them to a foreign country, or agree to host them as my spouse, I wouldn't think of the money I have/earn as my money. So "I" wouldn't buy them a plane ticket. We'd be buying a ticket.

My company pays for the ticket, if you want the full detail. So, he needs to let me know when he wants to travel.

 

[Magdlyn]

This is PinkGirl's quote: "It has been a long time since we’ve been home so I purchased a plane ticket for him with the understanding that his friends would visit for a few days in his hometown and a few days in NY." She doesn't say anything about his "asking" to go home.

She said just before the line you quoted:

Recently, my husband asked for a trip home to see his family for a month.

Anyway, OP, your story has not been told in a clear way. I don't know what a "trailing spouse who can't work" means. Something to do with immigration/visas?

How can your "company" pay for a ticket for your husband to go to the US (Chicago and NY, it seems) to visit family, friends and a poly gf?

It seems you two may have thought your relationship was solid after possible history of perhaps both of you lying to each other. However, his NRE for his new gf seems to have put him into another world where you don't matter.

Did he absolutely agree to having a phone call with you every day while he was on his big busy trip to the US to see a gf, other friends, maybe his gf's friends, and his family? That's quite an agenda. Sometimes it can be hard to keep in close communication when one is away. A daily call might be too much. Even a daily texting session can be difficult.

It sounds like he planned to be away for a month, but you're complaining that he saw friends for 2 weeks when it was supposed to just be a few days? Sometimes plans change when one travels. I guess you think he's just with the new gf and not really seeing old or new friends?

Is he staying in hotels?

Do you think this whole trip supposedly to visit family was just a ruse to get to have a fun trip with his new gf?

Why did you two decide to open your relationship and start practicing polyamory?

What kind of research did you do before starting to date others?

Have you two ever had couples counseling to work on issues with dishonesty?

Did you marry him just to get him to be able to live in your current country?

Did he come to your country and move in without knowing you well, other than talking online?

I am asking all these questions because your story is just showing us the tip of the iceberg, some kind of current crisis, and it's impossible to know what kind of feedback/advice to give.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello PinkGirl,

I don't blame you for wanting to file papers (divorce I assume). Is there anything your husband could do, to improve the way you feel about him right now? or are you just looking for ways to feel okay about his gaslighting and lying to you?

I am just kind of following this thread for the moment, but I will try to think of some way to be of help too. Hang in there.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.

 

[PinkGirl]

Hello PinkGirl,

I don't blame you for wanting to file papers (divorce I assume). Is there anything your husband could do, to improve the way you feel about him right now? or are you just looking for ways to feel okay about his gaslighting and lying to you?

I am just kind of following this thread for the moment, but I will try to think of some way to be of help too. Hang in there.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.

Thanks, Kevin. I just need to work things out with myself and with my husband. It’s been a jumble of emotions and thoughts for the past few days. I’m not excusing or accepting the dishonesty. I just need to hold him to the fire on this one.

 

[kdt26417]

Yeah, it is not cool of him to be dishonest with you like that. Methinks he owes you an apology, and a sincere effort to do better.

 

[dingedheart]

It seems you two may have thought your relationship was solid after possible history of perhaps both of you lying to each other. However, his NRE for his new gf seems to have put him into another world where you don't matter.

Did he absolutely agree to having a phone call with you every day while he was on his big busy trip to the US to see a gf, other friends, maybe his gf's friends, and his family? That's quite an agenda. Sometimes it can be hard to keep in close communication when one is away. A daily call might be too much. Even a daily texting session can be difficult.

It sounds like he planned to be away for a month, but you're complaining that he saw friends for 2 weeks when it was supposed to just be a few days? Sometimes plans change when one travels. I guess you think he's just with the new gf and not really seeing old or new friends?

Is he staying in hotels?

Do you think this whole trip supposedly to visit family was just a ruse to get to have a fun trip with his new gf?

Why did you two decide to open your relationship and start practicing polyamory?

What kind of research did you do before starting to date others?

Have you two ever had couples counseling to work on issues with dishonesty?

Did you marry him just to get him to be able to live in your current country?

Did he come to your country and move in without knowing you well, other than talking online?

I am asking all these questions because your story is just showing us the tip of the iceberg, some kind of current crisis, and it's impossible to know what kind of feedback/advice to give.

This looks like you were channeling me with the number of questions

I’m particularly interested in why or how they decided to open up and why research they did before jumping in beds with other people.

 

[MeeraReed]

It sounds like he moved abroad for you, where he can't legally work and can't even make his own travel plans to go home for a visit.

It sounds like his family, his social life, and any poly dating prospects for him are all at home. Whereas you have friends and dating prospects where you live abroad, and maybe elsewhere where you travel without him?

I'll bet he is homesick, lonely, and enjoying having a vacation on his own and finally having a chance to be poly for himself.

Extend him some grace for not communicating well during this trip.

 

[dingedheart]

It sounds like he moved abroad for you, where he can't legally work and can't even make his own travel plans to go home for a visit.

It sounds like his family, his social life, and any poly dating prospects for him are all at home. Whereas you have friends and dating prospects where you live abroad, and maybe elsewhere where you travel without him?

I'll bet he is homesick, lonely, and enjoying having a vacation on his own and finally having a chance to be poly for himself.

Extend him some grace for not communicating well during this trip.

To me it sounds like he was reluctantly on board open the relationship and when he could he planned a bit of payback disappear/ ghosting for however long.