Help?

[helloobturator]

My husband and I have been exploring poly for over a year now. Recently there's been some tension between us, but we're seeing a poly-friendly counselor and working through it.

My husband abruptly had to cancel plans we had made weeks ago to be with his girlfriend. He was cagey with details and being incredibly secretive. Through the information I was given, it was easy to piece together that she was pregnant and going to be having a chemical abortion. (I'm not here to litigate the morality of abortion with anyone). He had absolutely no intention of telling me that this was going on. I feel like it's a pretty significant betrayal.

I've also come to discover that he and his girlfriend are also likely hiding this from her husband, which I also find completely reprehensible. Obviously, people have different emotional reactions to things and I understand that some people may not have any issues with the deception, lies, and omissions. However, I am really struggling. My husband is making me feel crazy for having these feelings. I don't know what answer I'm looking for here. I just feel so lost and don't know how to progress forward.

 

[Evie]

Hi and welcome , this whole situation sounds really distressing to you and I'm sorry you're going through it.

I would like to ask a couple of questions, just so I understand better.

My husband abruptly had to cancel plans we had made weeks ago to be with his girlfriend.

Would you mind explaining this a little clearer please? It kinda reads like you were going to have group sex with him and his gf, but I'm not sure this is actually what you meant.

I feel like it's a pretty significant betrayal.

Could you also please clarify why you feel like her abortion, or perhaps him not wanting to share her medical information with you, is a betrayal?

I hear that you feel that this is about deception, lies and omissions. I would like to suggest that this is centering yourself, and by extension, her husband, at a time when your husband and his gf are craving privacy, facing medical fears and possibly grief.

Accidental pregnancies happen, and it sounds like they are making sure that there are extremely little future consequences from this one. Are you distressed that there even was a pregnancy? Did you have a condoms rule that you believe was broken rather than a simple accident?

In short, why are you letting this bother you so much? What is the real core of the issue?

 

[ref2018]

Through the information I was given

Given by whom?

I've also come to discover

Discovered how?

 

[helloobturator]

For your clarification:

Absolutely not. It's his birthday this weekend and we have had plans for it for weeks. He has had knowledge of this impending abortion for about a month, and yet he still continued to make plans and arrangements with me and our family for this weekend.

I have no issues with her having an abortion. Not sharing information that could potentially have blowback effects on my life is pretty significant. This also isn't the first time he has omitted and lied about critical information, but he has no issue violating our bond by sharing intimate knowledge about me with his girlfriend.

Accidents happen, yes. We are adults. The excuses are limited here. She messed up her birth control and didn't use a back-up method? I have absolutely no sympathy for her in this situation. Not to mention, neither of them have any interest in having children.

He has repeatedly lied and withheld information that we had agreed to share and speak openly about, to the point where I no longer feel safe being intimate with him because of his reckless sexual behaviors.

His actions directly impact me and to pretend otherwise is asinine.

 

[helloobturator]

Given by whom?

Discovered how?

By my husband.

I asked my husband point blank if her husband knew and was told no.

 

[ref2018]

He has repeatedly lied and withheld information that we had agreed to share and speak openly about. To the point where I no longer feel safe being intimate with him because of his reckless sexual behaviors.

His actions directly impact me and to pretend otherwise is asinine.

I guess it's time to leave him.

 

[Bobbi]

It's his birthday this weekend and we have had plans for it for weeks. He has had knowledge of this impending abortion for about a month and yet he still continued to make plans and arrrangements with me and our family for this weekend.

Well, that's not okay. He should have told you he couldn't make that day or put off the abortion until after the party. It is chemical so she could wait a couple days to take the pills. I would be angry about this, as well.

Not sharing information that could potentially have blowback effects on my life is pretty significant.

This is her private health info that doesn't directly affect you in any way. If she chose to keep it, then you would absolutely need to know. Otherwise, it's none of your business, unless you and hubby have a condom policy and he broke it. Regardless, that's all you would need to know. A pregnancy is not something you need to know about. Even if you'd want to know that, doesn't mean you are entitled to it.

has no issue violating our bond by sharing intimate knowledge about me with his girlfriend.

This is a problem and needs to be discussed. You have a hinge problem. He doesn't know what to share and what not to share. He needs to learn quick or he will ruin his relationships. It sounds like he's close to destroying yours already.

She messed up her birth control and didn't use a back-up method?

Did he tell you this too, or are you guessing? Also, it's none of your business if he shared it with you.

He has repeatedly lied and withheld information that we had agreed to share and speak openly about, to the point where I no longer feel safe being intimate with him because of his reckless sexual behaviors.

Well, it sounds like he's a terrible hinge. It's possible your agreements might violate other's privacy, but that's no reason to lie to you. If you don't feel safe sexually with him then you can choose to use barriers with him (insist on it) or leave. This doesn't sound healthy to me.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello helloobturator,

It is not okay for your husband to deceive you, lie to you, and omit stuff. If this is the kind of stuff his girlfriend influences him to do, then I can see why you might feel that she is a bad person for him. Would he break up with her if you asked him to?

It seems that your husband is doing you wrong in a number of ways, such as hiding stuff about his girlfriend from you, while revealing stuff about you to her, stuff you expected him to keep private. That is a double standard. Also he is being sexually reckless.

Sounds like an unhealthy situation.
Kevin T.

 

[Evie]

Ahhh, so he's cancelled plans with you (and your family) to go support his girlfriend while she's taking the abortion pills. But he's known about the abortion need and prescription for some time, and yet it's falling at a time where he's had to break plans with you, plans that coincided with his birthday and sound like they were going to be quite special for the whole family.

So this is very much about him being unreliable at your end. A bad hinge, or more accurately, a bad partner to you while being a good partner to her.

And there are issues with what information he shares with whom.

And you don't trust him regarding being sexually reckless (what does this mean?)

And you have no sympathy, and what comes across as distain, for her so I'm guessing you do parallel polyamory in the first place?

Is this really the life you want to be living?

 

[MeeraReed]

If the situation were reversed, and you'd had an accidental pregnancy that you were terminating, would it be any of your husband's girlfriend's business? Would it affect her at all? Wouldn't you feel it was your private business that she didn't need to know?

Your husband obviously mishandled the cancellation of the plans with you. But I can see he was in a tricky spot--the chemical abortion was to happen that same weekend, he wanted to respect his girlfriend's privacy and not tell you about it, but he wanted to be there to support her. If he'd told you he needed to cancel the birthday plans for a medical emergency with his girlfriend, you would have wondered why her husband couldn't be the one to do that, etc.

I don't like the way your husband handled it, but I do see his side of it.

I'd prefer a more openly communicative type of poly where I could tell all my partners and my metamour if I were dealing with a pregnancy termination. But if there are friction and struggles on all sides, it could be potentially difficult.

I understand why you're concerned that she chose not to tell her husband about the termination. But again, I am not sure how the knowledge or lack of knowledge would affect him. If she goes through with a pregnancy, that would obviously affect him; but how would a termination affect him? She is unlikely to have medical complications from a chemical abortion. I would certainly want my partner to know that I was going through that, emotionally and physically; but for some reason, she doesn't feel she can tell him. You have to respect that it's not your business to understand their marriage. It could be something as simple, for example, that the husband is infertile and he would be very hurt by the knowledge she got pregnant with her other partner. Or, for all you know, she is planning to tell him later, when her emotions aren't so raw.

To me, your disdain for the unplanned pregnancy sounds judgmental and harsh. Unplanned pregnancies happen when people have sex. Prior to my hysterectomy, I was lucky that my birth control never failed. But I wouldn't have been having "irresponsible sex" if it had failed.

To me, it sounds like you are struggling with polyamory in general. Are you uninterested in dating polyamorously yourself? Are you very unhappy with your husband's decision to explore polyamory, or is it something you are both doing joyfully?

Do you and your husband have children? Are you planning to have children in the future?

I can see how you're feeling that the possibility of a pregnancy radically changes the "stakes" of polyamory. A way forward might be to discuss with your husband what he can do to reduce the risk of future unplanned pregnancies, with this girlfriend and future girlfriends. A vasectomy, perhaps? Always using condoms even when birth control is being used?

Since you are seeing a poly-friendly marriage counsellor, this whole issue might be something to discuss in therapy. To me, it seems like you and your husband need to work on communicating better when there are scheduling conflicts, and on how to set boundaries around what things are private and what things can be shared.

I do understand why your husband's cagey behavior, and the revelation of the pregnancy, feel like a blow to you. But I think your reaction (that you were entitled to know this information) seems embedded in monogamous thinking.

For a happily polyamorous person, a more typical reaction in this situation might be to be initially angry/hurt at the canceled plans, and then upon finding out the real reason (the abortion), to be, in fact, relieved and sympathetic, because your husband was NOT actually lying to you to deceive you, but rather to preserve his other partner's medical privacy, and they have NOT been reckless sexually, but rather are making the responsible choice to have a termination.

If you'd prefer to be monogamous, that is okay, but that's a whole other issue.

 

[Inaniel]

I am surprised about how many people posted before the question arose - how is another person’s soon to be aborted pregnancy any of your business? It isn’t…

 

[Evie]

Well, the OP was rather distressed about the flow on effects of the timing so I was trying to be sympathetic to that rather than go straight for that level of explicit.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry this came out this way. I'm trying to understand the key points. Is it like this? You correct me if I get parts wrong, ok?

Accidents happen, yes. We are adults. The excuses are limited here. She messed up her birth control and didn't use a back-up method? I have absolutely no sympathy for her in this situation. Not to mention, neither of them have any interest in having children.

If Husband wants no children, is he using condoms and seeking info about vasectomy? Or he is just not taking personal responsibility for himself at all and leaving it on his partners? Is the BC all on her on that side of the V and the BC is all on you on this side of the V?

He has repeatedly lied and withheld information that we had agreed to share and speak openly about, to the point where I no longer feel safe being intimate with him because of his reckless sexual behaviors.

Was it also part of the betrayal that he'd promised to use condoms always, but it turned out he wasn't?

Did he share bare sex with you without telling you that he was sharing bare sex elsewhere? So he was all cavalier and put your health at risk by not doing continued informed consent?

I have no issues with her having an abortion. Not sharing information that could potentially have blowback effects on my life is pretty significant. This also isn't the first time he has omitted and lied about critical information, but he has no issue violating our bond by sharing intimate knowledge about me with his girlfriend.

So he tells the GF info about (you + Husband) that you'd prefer be kept private. His blabbing dings you.

He also keeps secrets and tells lies of omission about things he does in the (GF + Husband) dyad which could directly affect your health. That also dings you.

And now you know that (GF + Husband) are keeping her husband in the dark about all this too. Accidental pregnancy/abortion might be private medical info. But sharing bare sex with one person and its possible impact on other lovers if more bare sex is shared without giving them full info? Then lies, obfuscation, and making you feel crazy/unsafe?

Those are a LOT of dings to trust. I'm not sure if one bounces back from that. You might be at the dealbreaker place, especially if he's making you feel crazy or making you feel unsafe there with him.

I don't know if this could help you:

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Feeling unhappy in or unsure about your relationship? Having problems you don't know how to work through, or don't even know if you should? We'll talk you through making these choices, including how-to's on conflict resolution and doing breakups better.

www.scarleteen.com

You might consider talking to a counselor so you can have some support while you figure out what to do next. This sounds like a lot.

GG

 

[Tinwen]

Hi,

Your husband certainly didn't handle the situation all that well. I think it's shitty that he's giving you crap for your feelings, and I think it's insane if he knew about the date of abortion and still continued making plans with you for the same dates.

However, as far as information flow goes, I think in this case her privacy is a priority. It's pretty hard on the psyche, having to abort. She should not have to share the fact with her metamour if it's not her wish, and she should share with her husband on her own time.

It would not be my choice to make this decision in secret. I would tell everyone. But I know some people feel very different about their privacy and don't want to share hard decisions.