Help?

[DazednConfused]

Thanks for taking the time to read my post. I've been with my wife for 6 years, married 4. We are both female. She left her husband of 6 years for me.

Throughout our relationship, we had said she could sleep with whomever she wanted, as I had a very promiscuous youth, but I never believed she would act upon it.

Friday night, we went out with a group of friends and got very intoxicated. She was attracted to a male friend of mine whom I'd known since childhood. I may have given my okay... I'm not sure. I then interrupted them and stopped it. Yes, I behaved like an ass and have since apologized to them both.

She has decided she is polyamorous. She has continued communicating with him, and intends to finish what she started.

I am trying to come to terms with a myriad of emotions; rage, hurt, inadequacies, embarrassment, love, the whole package. I've pretty much done nothing but cry and vomit since Friday. (I have still somehow been able to go to work and minimally function.) I don't know how to come to terms with this, or if I can. Any advice is hugely appreciated!!!

 

[AutumnalTone]

Welcome aboard.

I'm going to move this thread to the New To Poly board, as it's likely to spawn a discussion and is better suited there.

I'd say that the first thing to consider is that this is not the end of the relationship, necessarily, and that the pain will pass. Your situation will get better as you work through it. Accepting the pain as only temporary can help make it much easier to deal with and less of a strain on your body.

 

[DazednConfused]

Thanks for the relocate and kind words.

I'm just so lost. It's such a double-edged sword. I want her happy, and I told her to pursue it, but I'm not remotely close to happy about it. I don't know if I should, or even can stay and suck it up for her.

On the same token, I know she's going through a lot, and keep encouraging her to talk to someone besides me or him, but she has so far declined.

We communicate extremely well, and she does it with great class in an effort to protect me. She answers my questions minimally, with respect to try not to further hurt me. (Plus she's getting sick of seeing me hurt.) If I need more info, I ask for it and she accommodates me.

The three of us run in very similar social circles, and I keep going through all the potentially embarrassing future scenarios in my head.

 

[Ariakas]

Friday night we went out with a group of friends and got very intoxicated. She was attracted to a male friend of mine whom I'd known since childhood. I may have given my okay... I'm not sure. I then interrupted them and stopped it. Yes, I behaved like an ass and have since apologized to both.

She has decided she is polyamorous. She has continued communicating with him, and intends to finish what she started.

Drunk sex isn't poly. It's... well... drunk sex. Is she wanting to find someone else to love, or be open to having other people to have sex with? (BTW, you can be both, but if it's all about the shag with friends, that's more swinger style.)

I am trying to come to terms with a myriad of emotions; rage, hurt, inadequacies, embarrassment, love, the whole package. I've pretty much done nothing but cry and vomit since Friday... I don't know how to come to terms with this, or if I can.

Honestly, you should never have offered an open relationship so freely if you couldn't handle it. It sounds like you offered it to be the nice girl, but in reality created a bridge you weren't prepared to cross.

As to your emotional upheaval, you may need to work through why you feel inadequate. Is it because she is seeking sex with someone else? Figure that out, and ask her. Communicate the concerns. Hopefully she can reassure you.

Embarrassment is like regret. You are embarrassed because of how you acted, I think. Well, you can't live regretting the past, so you might as well accept the fact that they accepted the apology and move on into the future. It's really all you can do.

To come to terms with it all, find a way that is comfortable for you to vent and process what is happening. Personally, I like to write. I keep a journal that I use when needed. My wife has full access to it, so when I am completely off of my rocker and having challenges communicating completely, she can read my thoughts. It helps us in times of severe upheaval.

I would also recommend reading a couple of books (inclusive to reading here at this site):
Opening Up
Ethical Slut

and this website on poly:
http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html

... all of which should help you process your feelings and slowly move on into a healthy open relationship.

 

[Ariakas]

I keep going through all the potentially embarrassing future scenarios in my head.

Ahh... that embarrassment. Well, you could request they do their thing discreetly until the time comes when you have processed what happened. Once you are strong and confident in the relationship structure and set-up, it can migrate more publicly.

There is a term used in polyamory: NRE (new relationship energy).

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2997

This thread covers the pros and cons of the ride called NRE. You might want to understand where she is coming from; she might want to understand it, too. It's intoxicating and potentially dangerous, and as bad as I just made it sound, has positives, too.

 

[DazednConfused]

Thanks again for your help. Sorry I'm too newb to quote correctly.

"Drunk sex isn't poly. It's... well... drunk sex. Is she wanting to find someone else to love, or be open to having other people to have sex with? (BTW, you can be both, but if it's all about the shag with friends, that's more swinger style.)"

While it started as drunk sex, they have been communicating daily, had lunch, had a cocktail...

"Honestly, you should never have offered an open relationship so freely if you couldn't handle it. It sounds like you offered it to be the nice girl, but in reality created a bridge you weren't prepared to cross."

Very well said. You're absolutely correct. I just feel like I want to fast forward through it all.

I'm more embarrassed by thinking about what our friends might think of us, and particularly of me, as a Lesbian, who can't satisfy her wife, so her wife went to a man.

Thanks for the book suggestions. I need all the help I can get right now.

 

[Ariakas]

Quoting is done 2 ways. You can click quote on the message you want to quote in the bottom right hand side of the message itself.

Or you can surround what you want to quote in

[ quote ] I want to quote this [ /quote ]

Removing the spaces so it looks like this

I want to quote this

Hope that helps.

 

[Ariakas]

While it started as drunk sex, they have been communicating daily, had lunch, had a cocktail...

Okay, makes sense.

Very well said. You're absolutely correct. I just feel like I want to fast forward through it all.

I'm more embarrassed thinking about what our friends might think of us, and particularly of me, as a Lesbian, who can't satisfy her wife, so her wife went to a man.

I can't help here, to be honest. I know there are others here who will be able to relate and relay their stories. Any story I relay would be from my point of view, and I doubt that would help. I have been in a similar situation, but as the guy in the equation.

I can pose this though: what do you think of men whose wives decide they want to be with women? Are those men not satisfying their women, or are those women craving something their men are absolutely incapable of giving?

Men and women love differently. Period. It isn't better or worse, just different. I unfortunately cannot fulfill my wife's need for women. I am way way too male for that. haha

Thanks for the book suggestions. I need all the help I can get right now.

No prob.

 

[DazednConfused]

I can pose this though, what do you think of men whose wives decide they want to be with women? Are those men not satisfying their women, or are those women craving something their men are absolutely incapable of giving?

Depends. I get leaving a spouse if the gender preference isn't right. But taking on additional partners? I just don't know.

It's like my whole world just got ripped apart. I only want her happy, but I don't know if I'm the one to be able to do this with her. I don't want to push away from her, and really haven't that much. But part of me thinks I should move into the spare room until I'm certain I can deal. I feel like I somehow need to unlove her to see if I can still love her. The problem is, I can't shut off how much I do love her.

 

[Ariakas]

Depends. I get leaving a spouse if the gender preference isn't right. But taking on additional partners? I just don't know.

By the way you worded that, you seem to be dismissing bisexuality. "Gender preference isn't right" is very limiting.

It's like my whole world just got ripped apart. I only want her happy, but I don't know if I'm the one to be able to do this with her. I don't want to push away from her, and really haven't that much. But part of me thinks I should move into the spare room until I'm certain I can deal. I feel like I somehow need to unlove her to see if I can still love her. The problem is, I can't shut off how much I do love her.

Honestly, I would think the best thing to do would be for her to slow down with the guy until you are settled. Polyamory isn't built on a shaky foundation. Once you are ready and understand what it's like to open up, then she can begin looking at other relationships.

That's my take, anyway.

If only it were that easy to turn off love, like if there were a valve of love.

Well, keep reading and posting. It's midday here, so most people are at work. I am sure more people will come online.

 

[jkelly]

I am trying to come to terms with a myriad of emotions: rage, hurt, inadequacies, embarrassment, love, the whole package. I've pretty much done nothing but cry and vomit since Friday.

That's a really strong reaction! Your wife has made friends with someone she's attracted to, and when things started to go past friendship, she stopped when you told her you weren't okay. So... what's going on here? Is this about worrying that you're in danger of losing your wife? What's underneath the emotional storm?

It depends. I get leaving a spouse if the gender preference isn't right. But taking on additional partners? I just don't know.

Ariakis already pointed this out, but this strikes me as a strange thing to say. Does your wife identify as bi? Maybe it would help you to have a fuller understanding of how people experience bisexuality, regardless of whether she does or not.

As a follow-up question, would having your wife be attracted to another woman be a very different experience for you?

Part of me thinks I should move into the spare room until I'm certain I can deal. I feel like I somehow need to unlove her to see if I can still love her... I can't shut off how much I do love her.

I don't think I understand what you mean here, but pulling away from her is probably going to do more damage to your relationship than working through your feelings about this. A lot of people find the articles on jealousy at the xeromag site linked to above to be very helpful.

 

[sage]

Hi

You've been given lots of help. I'm mono, so maybe I can give some additional perspective.

First, I know what it's like to be fine about open relationships until you find yourself in one with someone that you love to bits. I was fine with my husband having other lovers, but with my new partner it was a completely different story. My ability to handle it was obviously very dependent on the relationship, and you just don't know until it happens. I also associated the desire for other relationships with the primary one being not the best. So it was a real shock to discover that even in our beautiful, sparkly new relationship, Z still loved his SO. I was even fine about it philosophically, but emotions don't seem to take that much notice of philosophy.

Secondly, I know what it's like to want to pull away and stop the pain. I threatened this a lot, but as someone said, love is a really hard thing to pull away from, and I never managed it for long. I analyzed this behavior, and what was actually behind it was that I wanted Z to really feel the loss of me and happily give up his polyamorous ways.

Dealing with this is a process, the length and success of which is different for everyone. From your reaction, it sounds like you're purging some pretty heavy emotional stuff. Not all of this will be about what your partner is doing. It's just been triggered by your partner. It certainly won't all be put right in a few days, or even weeks.

It might be really hard to see it now, but looking back on my process, I can honestly say it has been one of the most significant opportunities for personal growth I've ever had.

Nurture yourself and accept all the love that is on offer.

 

[DazednConfused]

Thank you all for your help, and for providing me with such invaluable resources. They have really helped me get a better grasp on this.

I think where I'm at is: I could handle the extramarital intercourse, but not the intimacy of this budding relationship she is building. I know it's my own damn fault for being so narrow-minded that I can't deal. I'm just at my wit's end. I want nothing but complete and total happiness for her; I'm just not sure I'm strong enough to provide it for her like this.

 

[DazednConfused]

Now I find myself searching for a way to redefine "us." I'm trying to be the girlfriend who doesn't give a shit, but it's so hard. I am trying to support her and celebrate her happiness, but I just feel awful.

 

[sage]

I found that trying to be anything other than what I really am is a waste of time and just makes everything worse.

There's no other way than to be honest and be vulnerable and let her love you and help you through. In a polyamorous relationship, you get to be loved as well, you know, especially when you need it most. Does your partner understand that? Try and work out what is at the core of your upset, bring it up and work through it with your wife.

 

[DazednConfused]

Thanks, Sage. We've been talking a lot, and communicating well, I think.

I just feel like calling her my wife is a lie. I love her madly, but don't know if I'll ever be able to share intimacy. It's not that she's having sex. I could not care less if she wants a little on the side. It's not being mono at heart I'm struggling with. I'm trying to build to acceptance, which feels like an impossible task. I'm really trying to be as loving as I can.

 

[sage]

Oh yes, the big philosophical questions-- I struggle with those at times, too. Like: I will never be able to call him my own; there will never just be us two; I will never be all that he needs. I feel lonely when I think that I do not have a partner who I can probably ever quite satisfy, or that I am not someone's one and only, forsaking all others, etc.

At times, I am impacted emotionally by it. I'm doing some writing around it. On Saturday night I wrote, "I will never wear his ring because I will never complete his circle." Well, that completely set me off into Misery Land. It still brings me to tears when I write it here. But I try to see it as cultural conditioning. I remind myself that even with all that stuff I will never have, I still have more than anyone I know.

I can accept his feelings, but I don't pretend to understand them. He holds me and tells me how incredibly he loves me, yet in my head, I'm still thinking "but how can you when...?"

It's a process. It will take time. It's not something I can come to terms with in a few months, or even years, probably. I also accept that now.

 

[redpepper]

I am reminded of when I first got into polyamory, as I read your post. I had been married to a woman for about five years at that time. I met my present husband when my wife and I decided to be non-monogamous. She tried her darnedest to care, to join in, to hide it from our lesbian community. I tried to deny I loved him, to frame it in terms of fun and sex. I told none of my lesbian friends. In the end, we all just had to be what we were and go down the path that was before us.

When we decided to just leave it alone and slowly allow it to become what it was to become, it turned out that we broke up because she wanted to travel and I wanted kids. She has now traveled extensively. She is still not settled, still moving around.

She is still a love of mine and very much a part of my life. It just was meant to be like that. We would have gotten there, but we could have saved ourselves pain and hardship if we had started by just being ourselves, expressing whatever came up for us, stopped denying what was happening to us.

I really do believe that such matters need to go at the pace of the one who is struggling the most. That would be you. I think that your wife needs to slow things down to a mere trickle in order to maintain some kind of balance, for your sake. You need time to figure out what your needs are; where you fit; how your community will react; how to create a team approach to this in the face of your community-- because I can tell you, it's no picnic when, just as you need support, your lesbian friends drop like flies in disgust, and through lack of empathy, understanding or acceptance.

No doubt she is experiencing some gleeful girlish emotions (NRE) in this that she will need to keep in check if she is going to be able to consider your needs. That will be hard, but in the long run it will create a good foundation and encourage you to believe that she loves you still and isn't going anywhere.

Sure, this stuff hurts, but it doesn't have to crush you. You can come out of it emotionally damaged and unhealthy if you allow progression that is making you feel you should sleep in the spare room and cut yourself off from caring. That is never good. You won't learn how to function that way, just how to deny yourself your needs.

Keep at it. It will be a long haul, but it doesn't last forever. One way or another, you will get to the bottom of what is going on for all of you, and it will all work out as it should.

 

[DazednConfused]

Thank you!! All the feedback has been of great assistance. Words can't express how much help talking with you all has been.

She went to him last night. I moved to the spare room. This morning, I was able to look her in the eye, tell her I hope she had a fantastic night, and actually mean it.

He's now starting to contact me out of guilt. (He is married.)

I'm doing my best to be kind and non-bitter, and it really seems to be shoring up my emotions. The thing is, I know this guy. We grew up together. He's not a noble man.

I guess where I am is: this sure would have been easier if it were just sex, and/or she'd actually picked a good guy.

We're not hugely active in the LGBT community. I'm not talking to anyone about it, except for two friends that were there. This is mostly to allow her to do it at her own pace, because of my own embarrassment, and for the sake of his marriage/wife/kids.

Today is starting to be a better day. Maybe... time. I don't know.

 

[redpepper]

Okay... He's cheating? Yeah, I would be very concerned and would probably react the same way. Your wife needs to read on here about the disasters that have occurred when someone has cheated, I think.

Really, the whole foundation of a relationship is in jeopardy when someone is cheating or is with a cheater. Essentially, she is also cheating and causing a world of pain and suffering for another person (not only you): his wife. She is ruining her integrity, and degrading the relationship she has with you.

Yeah, I'd be furious, and probably move into the spare room, too.

Good for you for sucking it up, so far. I can see that you are trying your hardest to let it play out and let her learn from her own mistakes. To what end, though? How long and how far are you willing to stay in this? Eventually it will reflect on your integrity and good judgment, also.

This is not polyamory. This is cheating. I see no love in your wife's affair, at this point, just sex and selfishness.