Help?

Good for you sucking it up, so far. I can see that you are trying your hardest to let it play out and let her learn from her own mistakes. To what end, though? How long and how far are you willing to stay in this? Eventually it will reflect on your integrity and good judgment, also.
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Thanks again for the advice, everyone.

Geez, what a mess.

Redpepper, I really do appreciate your input. Ten days ago I was able to brag about my wife having more integrity than anyone I know. I can't cast stones; I've been a mistress in the past and know what a disaster she is headed for.

I am sincerely trying to suck it up. I guess you asked the 20 million dollar question: to what end? Right now, my heart, mind, and body all have different masters. I love her so deeply, but I just don't know if I'm equipped for this. I really am trying. I'm educating myself, seeking help from friends and strangers, biting back my snide comments, being kind and loving (as best I can) to them both. I just don't know what else to do.

Edited to add: I've suggested some websites to her. I bought her 'The Ethical Slut.' She responded that she'd figured out how to be gay all on her own, so she'd figure this out, too. She isn't willing to talk to any of her/our friends about it, and is not ready to tell her family. I keep encouraging her, begging her, to do something. I told her I'm not trying to fix anything, but maybe if she got educated on all this, she might be able to help me deal.
 
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She said she'd figured out how to be a lesbian on her own, so she doesn't need help now? Oh, the NRE is running deep. She's like a junkie on it.

Yeah, there's not much more you can do now but save yourself, and think about what you are doing and what you will do. It sounds like you have done all you can for her, at this point.
 
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So, yesterday was another drama-laden mess. Sometime midday, a mutual acquaintance of ours contacted me on Facebook, and asked me why my wife's profile was changed to "Interested in M&F."

Well, I lost it. We argued for hours, with the end result being we are "roommates who date."

I told her she needs to slow down with all this teenage lovestruck bullshit and stop being so selfish. She needs to remember who she is: a kind, caring, compassionate, dignified person; that all her actions now impact me, him, his family. I asked her how it would've made her/our brother/sister/mother feel to see this garbage. I said that the only reason for her to have done this was for her own pleasure, not considering anyone else's; that if she wants to come out, fine, but she needs to discuss this stuff with me first.

So after a week of me begging her to educate herself, she tells me he has a friend who "has been through the same stuff," and she's going out to meet them both to talk. Fine. At least she's trying, right? Well, she met him at a concert. The "friend" never showed. The concert ended at 9. She came home at midnight.

Ugh! I'm trying so hard.

Where do I draw the boundaries on this "roommates" thing?

How do I keep myself from trying to "compete" with him, when I know that's just silly?
 
I really feel for you. You have done all the right things and it sounds as if you're losing the battle.

To most people reading this thread, I'm sure it sounds like it's time for you to pull back and take care of yourself. Does she still want to be polyamorous? Or is she just using you until she can get this guy to leave his wife?

Was it ever polyamory? Because of his cheating, by definition, no, not really.

I have been through NRE when I was married, so I know what it feels like. At the time I didn't know what it was. I thought I had felt so unloved for so long that it was my own unique reaction to feeling it again and coming alive. I had all these justifications for what I was doing. Just Like Redpepper, I was in lala-land and I saw most attempts on my husband's part to rein me in as him trying to keep me a prisoner.

(Because in polyamorous relationships we don't have quite the same boundaries, are our relationships more at risk from NRE? In the light of a few of the threads at the moment, this is starting to worry me. If it happens to me or my partner again, I'd like to know in advance how to handle it effectively, or even better, stop it from happening in the first place. If others feel the same way, we should start another thread, so as not to Daze and Confuse any further. Sorry, DazedandConfused, I didn't mean to hijack your thread.)

She's obviously right into this guy. But for you to have any chance, you need to establish if she is willing to at least work at being honest and loving in her dealings with you. If not, I'd be packing my bags, or even better, packing hers.
 
Thanks, Sage. I don't consider the thread hijacked at all, no worries. I'm trying to suck up as much of all of the members wisdom and experience as I can. I appreciate it all. Even seeing what polyamorous couples go through further into the relationship is relevant.

I really don't know if she's using me or not. I doubt it. But I find doubt in everything these days. I tried to leave yesterday. She would have no financial concerns, so I don't see any upside for her fighting for me.

I find the info on NRE invaluable. I sincerely am trying to let her do her thing, but I get pissed when she outs me in the process, without so much as a warning.

My immediate issue is now that we've gone to roommates, I'm trying to draw lines in the sand regarding intimacy. It seems that now that I'm at risk of being without her, I want her more than ever. I keep saying "slow down," but well, it's half-hearted, at best. The issue here is I want her madly, but I'm not emotionally there. I kiss her and it feels like total bliss, then my mind flips to him in her mouth and I just get somewhere between a turned stomach and furious. So, I've told her no more intimacy for now, but she knows me well enough to see I'm not very strong in that conviction, and is flirting like crazy.
 
Dazed, I hate to say it, but your wife likely cheated on you when she went to the concert. Personally, I would draw the line in the sand and tell her flat out that she can't have her cake and eat it too. Either she comes out and is completely honest with you, or you leave. Period.

But that's just me, and I'm not a licensed therapist. Best of luck to you.
 
TL4ever, that is totally a misnomer about having one's cake and eating it too. Poly people put a lot of work into their relationships, seemingly more than mono ones. And then continue to the whole life of the relationship dynamic.

It sounds like your wife needs to know that, Dazed. No work, no relationships. You simply can't have your cake and eat it too.
 
Thanks again. I think the root here is I need to go slower and figure out if I can accept this part of her. I need more reassurance, and I need to be able to get over the "ICK" of him, but she so wrapped up in her NRE, I can't get her to see that.
 
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DazednConfused said:
My immediate issue is now that we've gone to roommates, I'm trying to draw lines in the sand regarding intamacy. It seems now that I'm at risk of being without her, I want her more than ever. I keep saying slow down, but well, its half hearted at best. The issue here is I want her madly, but I'm not emotionally there, I kiss her and it feels like total bliss, then my mind flips to him in her mouth and I just get somewhere between a turned stomach and furious. So as I've told her no more intamacy for now, she knows me well enough to see I'm not very strong in that conviction and is flirting like crazey.
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This seriously does not sound like very healthy relationship behaviour on either of your parts. "She's hurting you and you want her more"? "she's flirting like crazy"? I believe that the love we attract into our life is a reflection of the love we feel for ourselves. I don't think that an effective way of dealing with NRE is to allow yourself to be treated badly. Allowing someone space and allowing them to treat you badly are two very different things
 
This seriously does not sound like very healthy relationship behaviour on either of your parts. "She's hurting you and you want her more"? "she's flirting like crazy"? I believe that the love we attract into our life is a reflection of the love we feel for ourselves. I don't think that an effective way of dealing with NRE is to allow yourself to be treated badly. Allowing someone space and allowing them to treat you badly are two very different things.
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I can see why you'd say that. I think I probably articulated myself poorly. Just two weeks ago, we were meeting with a Planner, working on retirement, and now I can't even look two weeks out. I think I'm wanting/needed her more because I'm so scared of losing her. I really can't picture a life without her. Sort of happy might be better than never happy again. On her side, I think she's flirting more as a way to show me she still loves me and finds me attractive.

Last night was her first date-free night since Sunday. She was sad. She said it's because she feels like everything is falling apart. She wants two relationships, and feels completely alone, like she has two half-relationships. I held her and comforted her as best I could until she went to bed, and I retired to the spare room.

She also had some more drama yesterday. She came out to her boss, who is a very dear friend of both of ours, the day before. Her boss was very encouraging to her, but has also been a bit hard on her at work. As I said, we're also friends.

I called her (the boss) to make sure she was okay, and understood I was going to be okay. She just burst into tears and couldn't even speak. I told her I loved her, that I'd be okay, and to please just try to support my Mrs. as much as she could.
 
DazednConfused said:
I'm more embarrassed for what our friends will think of us, and particularly of me, as a Lesbian, who can't satisfy her wife, so her wife went to a man.


Thanks for the book suggestions, I need all the help I can get right now.
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Dazed,

I feel so much for you, some of which is spillover for what I feel for my wonderful husband (on this board as David Webb).

I wish I could convince you, as I wish I could convince him, that the desire to be poly has nothing to do with your shortcomings. Her loving someone else, regardless of gender, does not mean that you don't satisfy her!

I have a potential OSO who has been in an open marriage for 15 years. He's been communicating with both my husband and me, and is just so grounded in why an open marriage works. He's rarely threatened by his wife's relationships. (Of course, he's dating too, but thus far has not been physically intimate with anyone since they've tried poly.) She has at least 4 bfs (or potential bfs) right now.

I wish I could pass along his security to all who struggle. Instead, I'll just offer the example in the hopes that it is encouraging, and wish you much peace as you work through this! Definitely read Opening Up!

Some people on here also suggested that I do a search on the board for mono, poly and mono/poly, to get an idea of how it works for others. I've been reading some of these threads and getting a lot out of them. Perhaps if he hasn't, David Webb will respond to you as well. He's been struggling with very similar concerns.

Best wishes,
Christie
 
Thank you all so very much. My emotions are slightly settling down, or shifting. I was even able to kiss her last night without the anger, or the thought of him, which was absolutely awesome. I've come to kind of a place of weird acceptance.

At the risk of sounding like an ass, I'm going to stop worrying about if/when I'll leave, and protecting her from it, and focus on trying to stay. If I get to the breaking point, I'll worry about it then. Until then, I'm going to do my damndest to love and woo my wife. She's a big girl-- she can protect herself however she needs to.

In the meantime, I'm going to try to step out of my head and love with my heart. Could be disastrous, but I'll deal with that when the time comes.

Last night, she promised me she was going to try to be the woman I fell in love with, and be more respectful through this. If she can do that, it'll be a start. She told me if it came down to losing me she'd stop. I'd never ask her to do that. I'll worry about it later. I've been diligent and logical for two weeks. It may or may not have helped, but I love her, dammit, and I'm going to start acting like it again.
 
Hi Dazed,

Any update from the last few days?

As far as what ILW2 said, yes, I am faced with some of the same issues, the external pressure of what others think. Sure, I hear, "Who cares what other people think?" "It's between you and your wife!" etc., etc., but the fact is that I do feel it.

I've come to terms with the fact that it is not related to any shortcomings of mine. But I still struggle with it being related to not-enough-comings of mine. (Does that make sense?) I think it was Sage (if not, I apologize to you and whoever did say it that I am not quoting correctly) who said it took a while to realize that even if they were THE perfect partner, it wasn't going to make their spouse not poly. I found that useful to think about.

Good luck with your situation!
-DW
 
Yes, I that said that. Now I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that I don't have to be anything more than I am to be loved.

But I am also having the "What will people think?" dilemma. I told my 19-year old daughter last night and she had a fit. All the stuff I have come to expect. "Why do you put up with it?" "You deserve better." "You obviously don't make him happy."

I have worked through all that stuff, but now I have to work through other people working through it. But hey, I guess that's just life. I'm sure if it wasn't this, it would be something else.
 
Wow, yeah, this isn't easy. Thank you all again for all your help. I'd be completely at a loss without your wisdom, guidance, experience.

So, on Friday we went out-- dinner and a festival... Just a beautiful night.

On Saturday, I dated her again-- mall, lunch, a movie, a festival.

And then I screwed up. We went to a gentleman's club. We were having a great evening. But we were drinking too much. I'm quickly learning that is not a good idea until I get my head on straight.

I smoke, and frequently have to run outside to partake in this nasty habit, which she begrudgingly tolerates. Well, as the night wore on into morning, I met a guy outside. He was nice enough. I don't know what I was thinking, if I was being a bitch or just having fun. I'm sincerely not sure. I just know I'm not this stupid... I invited him to join us inside. We had several cocktails with him. He walked us to our car, and kissed us both. Now, I have no issue with this, a little drunk making out is not a biggie. I'm just not sure what my motives were.

On Sunday we went on another date, out for lunch and to the park. I've know my gal for 6 years, and can read her like a book. She was obviously distracted and texting her bf whenever she thought she had a moment. It's not like she was blatent about it. She'd do it when I stepped away. Eventually, she admitted she told her bf about this parking lot make-out session, and he got pissed.

I was angry, but understood, she couldn't be in the moment with me until she got this thing with him off her chest. I gave her some advice, and the rest of the evening was okay. Not great, just okay.:rolleyes:

Monday night rolled around. We were watching TV, and she was texting with the BF like crazy. I snapped, she snapped, heated argument, but we hugged it out.

I took yesterday off work to run some errands and gain some clarity. I read about half of "Ethical Slut," which really helped.

I'm just all over the place. Before I met her, I was the epitome of a tramp. I dated a married guy for 6 years, typically would only sleep with people I would never want to see again, swore love didn't exist, I'd never wed. And now look at me!

So today, I'm calm and trying to be accepting. I repeatedly ask for reassurance that she's not leaving, which she gives me. I can't/won't give her the same until I'm certain. I have moments when I believe I can deal, and it might even be better in the long run. Then I have moments of "I'm not good enough," "Is she sharing our private stuff?" "Is she leaving?" "This is so embarrassing," and 1000 other random ugly thoughts. When she sings along in the car, it crushes me, because I feel like she's singing about him and not me anymore.

I'm really trying.
 
Dazed, I'm confused here. I'm not sure if this will affect anything or not, but are you a man or a woman? The reason I ask is this: men and women are typically wired differently, which would explain some things (like why you have these emotional feelings all the time). I was under the impression that you were a man. Typically, men don't have as many emotional feelings with the bounce from one end of the spectrum to the other. Please note that I said "typically." It does happen, but not as commonly as with women.

Just an observation. My apologies in advance if this question offends at all.
 
Okay, that may actually change a little bit of the info and help you may receive. (Of course, I may be the only one here who didn't pick up on it. LOL)

Anyway, a relationship between two people is always difficult. Add in a third or even a fourth, and the problems compound exponentially. Not just a little, but a lot. Now, you have to remember, that if H is having an issue with your girl seeing another girl (you), his issue is likely this: "Man, I'm dating a lesbian, and I can get her to like men! Yeah! But if she's going to continue dating girls, then I can't get my groove on and switch her around."

Now, this is just a possibility. We men are weird beasts. For some odd reason, we think that we can somehow make a bisexual woman or a lesbian like men enough to only like men. We think that we can re-wire them and "fix" them. Well, okay, some men think this. I wouldn't try to, but hey, some guys think that.
 
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