Helping mono partner understand

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BrianneGoddess

New member
Today I had a lovely talk with Rock. I thanked him for his acceptance of all the major things I've thrown at him in the last 4 months, for his kindness and support during the breakdown of my relationship with Wonder Woman.

He has been lightly teasing about her, saying he hopes it works out, I should not give up hope, and he was getting the kids involved too, so that they would see he was totally fine with me chatting with her and needing time to dedicate to that. I appreciated it, but it also made it harder for me to accept that we were truly over when I could keep seeing how it could have worked so beautifully.

Anyway I told him I am starting to pull away from her because I need to heal. Because I don't want to be an emotional door mat, there when she needs me on any terms she sees fit to impose. I told him my two theories on why she ended us like she did. He listened so respectfully and held me gently before telling me she doesn't deserve me, that he loves me and always will.

And then.... He said that I was so deeply invested during the relationship and so obviously broken after, that I was not here. He said this is why he doesn't think poly works, because you cannot compartmentalise relationships, emotions and responses. At least, I can't. And he is right.

But...

I do want to heal and try again to find love. I want the chance to understand my attraction to women and to see where it can take me. How can I help him and myself, better understand how we can make this work? I know I cannot guarantee never responding or acting the same way again should I meet someone else one day... How can I reassure him, and myself, that I can do this responsibly, still holding his emotions and needs as essential to me??
 
I guess he'd need to believe in the power of experience. You've experienced NRE one time, and maybe didn't handle it right in terms of tending to Rock and the kids ... so, next time you experience NRE, you will be more aware of how it can pull you away, and you will put more effort into tending to Rock and the kids.

It's a leap of faith. I'm not sure how to convince your husband; this might be something he has to do on his own. You can of course give him your word that you'll do better next time.

Polyamory works some of the time but not all of the time. And the same could be said about monogamy. We always take risks in life, no matter what.

I hope you guys can work things out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I agree with Kevin. It would be hard to convince him unless you guys have the opportunity to work through you experiencing NRE, this might have to be something he does on his own.

Try to encourage him to read articles with you and figure out what aspects in particular bothered him. Maybe the two of you can work on potential resolutions and remember that COMMUNICATION IS EVERYTHING. You might find yourself having the same conversation in a variety of different ways. If you consistently show him that you are being patient and receptive of his feelings every step of the way, he might be more comfortable the next time you experience NRE.
 
"I can do this responsibly" is an outcome. It's the evaluation after you have done it.

All you can say at this point in time is "I want to do it again. I want to try to do it more responsibly. I have done these things ____ to better prepare."


In your shoes? I would slow the conversation down. Just a few points before having the next conversation and stay on topic of "What can I do?" and the topic of "what could he do?" Other topics can be at another time.

1) I would acknowledge what he said. That at this time, I do not have the skill to balance the existing relationship with the new relationship. That I have a tendency to get caught up in the new one and be absent.

2) I would make him aware that I want to heal first. Then later try again to find love with a woman. That I want the chance to understand my attraction to women and to see where it can take me. I want opportunity to grow/learn the skills I currently am not strong at and gain the self knowledge I seek.

3) I am willing to learn balancing skills. I plan to (read, take a class, etc) to help me.

4) Is he willing to be more vocal about his needs and give me feedback if I am not meeting them? What are his preferences / wants? Then wait for his answer and do active listening.

5) Next I would thank him for his honesty and say I want some time to think all that over before having more conversations. I would resist the impulse to keep going at it right then and there.

I think taking it "bite size" makes it easier.

Galagirl
 
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Get him to understand or get him to agree with your beliefs?

These are two different things.

People often ask here how they can get their mono spouse, friends, family to 'understand.' I think mono people understand just fine. They don't agree, and that's different.
 
Kevin - you are right. Of course I never knew what was happening, so it kinda steamrollered me. I am quite sure that I want to try to manage it better next time. And yes, I do want there to be a next time.

WhatHappened - I want understanding. I have no illusions that I can get him to agree with my beliefs. For all the time we have been together I have lived a different faith to him. I am fully aware of the difference. I'm okay if he doesn't agree that it's valid for him. I need his understanding as to why its valid for me.

GalaGirl - I like the idea of staying on point and keeping it to small bite sized chunks of discussion. We have small conversations here and there, so using your framework laid out here will be most useful to keeping us on track. Thank you!

In conclusion I think that like anything else it requires time, contemplation and communication to see how we can make this work for us, in our space and in where we are at. It doesn't have to look like anyone else's version of poly.
 
I think, if I were you, I'd ask him for specifics regarding how you "weren't there" for him. Things like... did you ignore him? Neglect the kids? Did your eyes glaze over when he talked to you? Were you constantly texting her in his presence, or talking about her too much? I wonder if you were truly "not there" or was it simply a case of him not getting the kind of attention he wanted or believed he should get?

In actuality, it isn't playing fair for him to bring that up now, after it ended. It's rather mean of him, in fact, because now he has you thinking you've handled things badly - yet you have nothing specific to go on and look out for. If he saw you doing things that took your attention off him when he felt he needed it, he should have spoken up at the time. If he saw you as not being present, he should have pointed it out when he noticed it. If there were things or people you neglected, he should have called you on it when it happened. I think you need to talk to him further about this, and why he brought it up now instead of in the moment it occurred.
 
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Nycindie - he had no idea what was happening then. I think he was talking from hindsight. Although he did berate me for texting her when I was with him. And I immediately corrected that behaviour.

I know during the breakup and subsequent recovery I was a shell. But during, you are right I need specifics because to me I actually was more emotionally available to him and my kids. He benefitted greatly from the bounding waves of energy and my kids commented on how happy I was and how much more I was there with them.

Hmmm.. Thank you for this valid perspective. I need to think on how to raise all of this with him constructively.
 
I agree with Whathappened. Understanding and agreeing are two completely different things. HOWEVER, my two cents from the mono side, take it or leave it as you wish, would be to suggest not trying get him to do either. There is a third option, which is much more likely... See if you can find out if he can ACCEPT it. While I'm sure it's obvious he will likely never agree with the poly, "understanding" it is just as difficult, if not impossible. Understanding requires a certain amount of empathy, which - admittedly- we mono folk do not possess a lot of, especially in areas like that. But acceptance is much more possible to obtain, even if it's something that one cannot agree with, or understand.

It's certainly going to take some constructive communication on the subject. And while I agree that he should have spoken up more in the moment(s), instead of waiting until it was all in hindsight, it's possible that he may have been in a bit of denial about it, or was simply keeping quiet in an effort to keep the situation peaceful because he saw that it was making you happy. Sometimes we have blinders on, and try our best to see the positive in situations. And maybe, once the other relationship went south, he felt more comfortable about speaking up because he thought you might have been more inclined to agree with him after you both experienced some negativity with the other person.

As for the bounding waves of energy... Please know that that's not necessarily a positive thing for the monos. I know it seems like a paradox, but the fact is, that just because we might receive some extra attention from time to time, we can begin to actually feel worse about ourselves. Of course we enjoy seeing you happy, and of course we enjoy the attention... BUT, the questions start to flood our minds... "Why is this extra attention & energy contingent upon an extramarital relationship?" "Was I the problem this whole time?". "Am I not good enough to keep you happy?" etc...

With the kids, it's a different story. Kids don't see having another partner in a parents life, as a threat to their relationship with you. Loving one of their siblings doesn't change the fact that they're still your child. In fact, they often already have another sibling, so they can justify what would happen if another person on the same level as them entered the picture (although sibling jealousy is very common). But husbands & wives don't generally see it that way. We see another potential partner come into the mix, and view it as though you need them because we didn't live up to the expectations to make you happy. We tend to work backwards like a detective. If you're happier with an additional partner, then you were less happy when it was "just us". Or, "he/she makes you happy, and I do not, therefore, I am the problem". And so on.
 
Thank you for your valuable input CTF. And it is extremely valuable! Everything you say rings true to what he is experiencing and what he has communicated thus far. I think acceptance would be easier for him too.

I need to consider that as a third option.

Thank you!
 
You're very welcome. At the end of the day, polys & monos are just two, very, very different of people. It doesn't mean that there cannot be agreements that satisfy both, but it's an extremely sensitive situation. What one views as a positive, and liberating realization, can be an extremely miserable realization for the other side. Above all else, try to have as much patience with him as possible. Things can move very fast, and when one's perspective of their partner that they thought they knew everything about for years & years, seems like it was all turned on it's head, there's a foggy period where you feel like everything you know is wrong. Just do what you can to try & reassure him of how you feel about him.
 
Gosh, what you say, CTF, about the energy and the questions it brings up in the mono partner's mind is *exactly* what my husband has been saying this week. Actually, everything you say (except the kids part, we don't have any) is like you were eavesdropping on my husband and me in the few days since my relationship broke up. So you weren't talking to me but thank you anyway. :)

The problem is, I wonder if our marital happiness *is* contingent on my having another relationship. (In my case, with a woman.) I have never felt as whole as I did when I had both relationships--it was like I was finally, for the first time, firing on all cylinders. And realizing that makes me feel horrible and guilty.
 
loveboth said:
Gosh, what you say, CTF, about the energy and the questions it brings up in the mono partner's mind is *exactly* what my husband has been saying this week. Actually, everything you say (except the kids part, we don't have any) is like you were eavesdropping on my husband and me in the few days since my relationship broke up. So you weren't talking to me but thank you anyway. :)

The problem is, I wonder if our marital happiness *is* contingent on my having another relationship. (In my case, with a woman.) I have never felt as whole as I did when I had both relationships--it was like I was finally, for the first time, firing on all cylinders. And realizing that makes me feel horrible and guilty.
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Well, I can assure you that I wasn't eavesdropping :) . In reality, those were the exact thoughts that went on through my mind when my wife revealed herself as poly to me.

The truth is, that I don't want her feelings towards me to improve because of another person in the mix. I want her, to want me for ME. And if the only reason I'm being treated well, or given that attention, is because there's some sort of spill over from another relationship, I'd rather be ignored. For a while, I had lost my sexual appetite because I was fearful that she was thinking about him when we were together... It was incredibly emasculating.

I know you don't have kids, but it seems to be a common analogy used when talking about polyamory. My wife used to bring them up all of the time. She'd say, "The kids accept me for who I am, why can't you?" To which I replied by telling her that it had nothing to do with whether or not I "accepted" her, as tough as it was to accept this side of her, I did find a way to muscle through it. But that, by no means, translates to whether or not I was willing to consent with that sort of relationship. Not that she couldn't pursue it if she felt that strongly, but I was not willing to continue in the marriage if she did.

I'm sorry to hear that your relationship didn't survive. As tough as it may be to process (especially so recently), it's probably for the best. That way, each of you is free to pursue what works best for both. Personally, I have nothing against poly as a concept, it's just not something I can ever be part of. Not because I'm selfish (although I have been called that), not because I'm jealous, but because I don't seek something that I don't need.
 
I can't imagine needing or wanting another man in my life. My husband is the only man I want and need. And I don't for a minute suggest that one can't be bisexual and monogamous. But for me, having both a man and a woman in my life made me feel complete in a way that was utterly exhilarating.

My husband is/was, of course, free to pursue another relationship as well. He has tried but not connected with anyone. So I have not had the opportunity to test my philosophy in that direction yet, although we have talked about some of his attempts and that felt OK for me.
 
loveboth said:
I can't imagine needing or wanting another man in my life. My husband is the only man I want and need. And I don't for a minute suggest that one can't be bisexual and monogamous. But for me, having both a man and a woman in my life made me feel complete in a way that was utterly exhilarating.

My husband is/was, of course, free to pursue another relationship as well. He has tried but not connected with anyone. So I have not had the opportunity to test my philosophy in that direction yet, although we have talked about some of his attempts and that felt OK for me.
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And I agree completely. I do believe that one can be bisexual AND monogamous. Personally, I don't think that either one have anything to do with the other. Bisexual is simply the attraction to both, whereas monogamy puts a quantitative limit of one partner at a time. I'm heterosexual, but that certainly doesn't mean that I have any sort of desire to sleep with other women since I am already with my wife... Genders of attraction aren't something I take issue with.

My wife is also bisexual... She revealed this a very long time ago. I had no problem with it, because I never felt threatened that she would seek female partners since we we (and still are) together. Now, please don't take this the wrong way (I sincerely mean no offense), but the thought of my wife with a woman, is just as upsetting to me as with another man. And while I have a tad bit more understanding with a case such as yours (wanting a female partner, but not another male), I actually found it VERY insulting when my wife (along with a couple of her friends seemed to think that I should at least be okay with her getting physical with another woman. While the anatomy from male to female may be different, the fact is, that it's still another person in the fold. It's amazing when people are shocked at the notion that some guys actually do NOT have the girl on girl fantasy.

The night my wife dropped the poly bomb on me, once she saw how distraught I was, she began to do, what she thought, was "damage control", by stressing that those she had the most desire to sleep with, were women. One in particular (I'll refer to her as "Y"). She said, "the only one I would really like to sleep with, is 'Y'. And let's face it, her boobs are awesome". What she didn't expect, was that I would find that incredibly insulting. I asked her if she really believed that I was that shallow. I told her to replace "Y" with "JB", and replace "boobs", with "dick"... How should I feel about that statement then? In other words, my own wife, not only revealed that I'm not enough for her, but she insinuated that I was sexist to boot.
 
CTF - I totally understand your perspective and I suspect my husband is the same, although he has said he would prefer me to be with women and not other men. I think though that more than anything what he objects to is the emotional connection that I may form with someone else.
 
Yeah, I wish I were attracted to the idea of strictly recreational sex. I did that when I was younger but it no longer appeals to me at all. I need emotion too.
 
BrianneGoddess- Thank you for understanding. Not many do, so it's quite refreshing. I don't know your husband, so I have no reason to doubt when he says he prefers women over men. To tell you the truth, I would say the same thing if I were forced to choose. Not because I think it's "hot", but strictly because of the anatomy difference in which I know that neither of us could give my wife the same experience. So there's less of a threat.

As for the emotional connection... That IS what I (and I suspect many of us monos) fear the most. There comes a point & time in life where the casual, recreational sex just doesn't have any appeal. I don't know, maybe I'm getting old, or maybe I just don't have the patience or energy to connect with other people, but it sounds like more trouble than it's worth.
 
I imagine my husband feels the same way about the effort required for emotional entanglements. But he's also always felt that way about the complexity of my platonic friendships--they just seem like a PITA to him. Whereas I find them necessary to my well being--I don't want/need a lot of friends but the friendships I have go deep, and that can mean not-fun complications sometimes. I guess to me the poly relationship is more like an extension of a close friendship.
 
loveboth said:
I imagine my husband feels the same way about the effort required for emotional entanglements. But he's also always felt that way about the complexity of my platonic friendships--they just seem like a PITA to him. Whereas I find them necessary to my well being--I don't want/need a lot of friends but the friendships I have go deep, and that can mean not-fun complications sometimes. I guess to me the poly relationship is more like an extension of a close friendship.
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It's different for everyone, that's for sure. I've always had difficult times getting close with people. Other than my family, I have a couple of close friends that I can speak with about personal things, but that's about it. To me, it's easier to avoid grieving someone leaving your life, when you never let them get closer than arm's length to begin with. I also happen to find "love" to be something I actively avoid with most. And that's an area where my wife & I are definitely two different people. While she says that she loves all of her family & friends, I have 6 people in that category.
 
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