Here I am again seeking advice

N

Newtopolybutverysure

New member
Hiya, my poly people! I’m here to ask y'all for advice yet again. So, here’s the story:

My partner and I have been together for six amazing years. Recently we both starting dating a girl. We will call her Yellow. Last week, Yellow and I began to realize that we did not want the same things. To us, "something serious” and “being partners” meant very different things. I was falling for her hard and fast, but she wasn’t looking for something as serious as what I wanted, and through all of this we both came to the conclusion that we just weren’t going to work. So I ended it.

Now my current partner is still dating Yellow (as they should be). I cannot express how happy I am that just because Yellow and I didn’t work out, it didn’t change anything for them. This was a concern because my partner and I live together. But Yellow and I ended on good terms.

Last night, my partner came home after spending the day with Yellow, and they smelled of Yellow, and I cried… like, quite a bit. I guess I just feel shitty because I didn’t want to end things with Yellow. I wanted us to figure it out, and Yellow didn’t want to, which I understand. But I miss Yellow. I miss the group dates we had. While I absolutely adore my partner, I miss the three of us together. It’s just shitty.

I don’t know a way to go about this, where my partner and Yellow both feel like their individual relationship is not just valued, but appreciated, while still having my time to get over Yellow in a romantic way before coming back to being friends. I’d also like to add that Yellow seems to be past it and is ready to be friends, while for me I’d love to say I’m ready, and while every single part of me believes that Yellow and I will be able to be friends and have it be a good healthy friendship, I am just not over them. It’s really fucking hard right now...
 
I think you could take it easier on yourself.

Yellow and I did not want the same things, To us, "something serious” and “being partners” meant very different things. I was falling for her hard and fast, but she wasn’t looking for something as serious as I wanted... We came to the conclusion that we just weren’t going to work. So I ended it.
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You JUST broke up with Yellow last week.

Last night, my partner came home after spending the day with Yellow. They smelled of Yellow, and I cried…
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Just in general, or like, they'd shared sex and you could smell Yellow's scent on your partner? You might ask Hinge to shower before coming home, or soon after coming home, if you can smell sex on them and it bothers you, since the breakup is so recent.

I miss Yellow and the group dates we had. I miss the three of us together. It’s just shitty.
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It's ok to grieve the recent break up. It's ok to miss things. It's going be a process. Again... this JUST happened last week.

I don’t know a way to go about this, where my partner and Yellow both feel like their individual relationship is not just valued, but appreciated, while still having my time to get over Yellow in a romantic way before coming back to being friends.
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"Hinge, I'm glad you and Yellow are doing well. But since my breakup with Yellow is so recent and I need time to get over it, would you please be willing to....?" And there you list the behaviors you would like from Hinge, from showering after sex, to not auto-gushing about Yellow at you, to whatever else you might need.

"Yellow, I'm glad you are willing to change to exes and friends. I take longer to get over breakups, and this just happened last week. I'll let you know when I'm ready for that. In the meantime, you can expect "basic polite" if we happen to bump into each other, since you and Hinge are dating still."

It's ok that it's hard right now. What you feel is NORMAL, since the breakup is so fresh. Just be honest with Hinge and Yellow as needed, and take it easy on yourself as you grieve. That is my suggestion.

Galagirl
 
Breakups are always hard, especially when you are the one being rejected.

This is why so many experienced poly people do not recommend trying to date as a triad. Many formerly monogamous couples think dating the same person will be a fun couple experience for them, and prevent jealousy/envy and fear of loss. On the contrary, the feelings between three are (almost) always going to be unequal. It's extremely rare for everyone to be on the same page, sharing and caring and kumbaya. So, anyone trying to open up as a mono couple by attempting a triad is likely in for a big shock.

In a triad, each person is your metamour as well as your partner. Now Yellow has become just your metamour. It's possible you will be able to be her friend some time in the future. On the other hand, maybe it will take months, or a year or more, for you to get over your feelings of loss and regret that she didn't want you in the same way you wanted her.

Scent is a very primal sense. I can see why her scent on your partner (Orange, as he was called in your last thread) sent you over the edge. Showering, brushing teeth, changing clothes is very important. In fact, you might want even more distance from Orange when he comes home from a date with Yellow. You may not want kisses, hugs, cuddles or sex from Orange for 24 hours, for example. You might need physical space. It's okay to tell him that.

However, some people like to re-bond physically with their partner when they come home from a date. Orange may want to re-bond; but if you need space, it's okay to assert your need for distance. Y'all need to openly communicate about that. (This need for re-bonding or, on the other hand, holding space, is common with poly couples who are dating individually as well, not just for former triad partners.) The one who needs space gets to take that space, and the one who wants to re-bond needs to respect that, be patient and wait for them to be ready for a physical reconnection.

At the very least, you'll need 40 days or so for the scab over your wound from losing Yellow to start to form. So, Orange should be very sensitive to your grieving state and not speak much about Yellow for now. (He can talk about his fun dates with Yellow with other supportive friends.) There's no need for you to falsely celebrate that the two of them are on the same page and doing well, while you've lost something. Be real. Be authentic. Don't be mean about it, but respect your own emotions and take care of yourself!
 
By the way, much of what GG and I recommend is in the book Opening Up, which I highly recommend to any people new to open relationships.
 
Me again. I just reread your last thread.

It seems that being with Yellow was your first time being with a woman. You're also a woman, and Orange is a man. Orange (and Yellow?) wanted to do group sex with you, but you felt uncomfortable being with a woman for the first time. You weren't into the group sex.

Your last thread was from September. Now it's just a few weeks later. The whole Yellow thing has not gone well for you.

Added to that, your sex life with your long-term partner Orange has been suffering for quite a while. He told you outright that he often/usually/always fantasizes about someone else when he's having sex with you. Now, he's avoiding having sex with you completely, preferring to do this with Yellow.

Meanwhile, you fell for Yellow somehow, despite it being your first time attempting a relationship with a woman. (Maybe you were hungry for her attention since Orange has been neglecting your needs.) But she's not into you. She's just into Orange. It sounds like maybe she gave lip service to the idea of threesome sex just to land Orange. Now she's happy to avoid you sexually and emotionally altogether. (Saying "I just want to be friends" is kind of a classic brush-off.) And Orange is putting ALL of his emotional and sexual energy into Yellow, not giving you any of his emotional or sexual energy? And even if he did have sex with you one-on-one, it's likely he'd be fantasizing about Yellow (or someone else) during it, and not focused on you.

Pity sex is never fun.

This all makes you extremely happy why? ("Words can't express" how happy you are?) This whole Orange/Yellow thing should be appreciated and valued why? This actually sounds like poly hell. Are you being honest with yourself, or just going along with this to avoid breaking up with Orange? He doesn't sound polyamorous. Or maybe he's a NRE junkie. He sounds like he's done with you, to be perfectly honest.

kathylabriola.com - ARE YOU IN POLY HELL?

COMMON PITFALLS IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS Many people who are in a primary relationship stumble into an outside relationship either by choice or by chance, and once involved, things can go beautifully or can go terribly awry. Here are some of the most common problems that develop and some ideas for
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Hi New2,

Sorry you are having these difficulties right now, I hear you saying that you need more time to get past your breakup with Yellow before you are exposed to your partner's romantic relationship with Yellow. I think my suggestion, is that when your partner spends time with Yellow, and especially when they have sexual contact, that they should shower (I presume they can do that at Yellow's place) before they return home to you. Also it might help if they don't gush to you about Yellow, like maybe they could reduce their comments about Yellow to a bare minimum. This can all change once you and Yellow renew your friendship, of course.

Such are my thoughts,
Kevin T.
 
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