Here we go again

C

Cougarwolf

Member
To those that have read my posts, my wife’s first FWB ghosted her a couple of weeks ago. She said she was done with anything NSA and wanted actual dates, and was even talking to someone. That didn’t happen, and tonight she tells me she wants a NSA relationship again, and has even been talking to a guy she plans to meet this week.

I was happy to hear about her wanting actual dates, but NSA eats me up inside. I know it’s her decision on what type of relationship she chooses, but I can’t stand this.

It might just be the emotional rollercoaster I am on because of it, but I have given thought to sleeping on the couch and have been asking myself if I could be in a relationship with someone who does that. It’s not that I am looking down on her, just how this eats me up inside worse than if she were looking at dating someone.
 
This all sounds very new. She doesn't know what she wants and is learning that dating is hard work. She will find NSA is also hard work. I'm betting she isn't settled on what she wants yet and might even give it all up after enough bad experiences. Try not to get wrapped up in what she is or is not doing. Focus instead on your relationship with her and making it great.
 
Bobbi said:
This all sounds very new. She doesn't know what she wants and is learning that dating is hard work. She will find NSA is also hard work. I'm betting she isn't settled on what she wants yet and might even give it all up after enough bad experiences. Try not to get wrapped up in what she is or is not doing. Focus instead on your relationship with her and making it great.
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We talked and she admits that she wants to explore this and was ashamed to talk to me about it. That helps, but as I don’t understand that desire, I am having trouble accepting it. Any advice on that part so I can be more supportive would be greatly appreciated
 
Cougarwolf said:
We talked and she admits that she wants to explore this and was ashamed to talk to me about it. That helps, but as I don’t understand that desire, I am having trouble accepting it. Any advice on that part so I can be more supportive would be greatly appreciated
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This calls for more detangling. There is nothing intrinsically objectively wrong with consensual casual sex. It's actually nothing to be ashamed of!

You and your wife don't need to share every taste or attitude. You must have hobbies she doesn't share, and vice versa. This is just more of the same. And maybe it really is a phase and she will ultimately find it shallow and leaving her empty. It's part of her own growth as an autonomous human being, nevertheless.

I am so grateful that when I was newly separated and divorced from my husband of 30 years, that my new poly partner wholly supported my dating adventures, no matter where they brought me. She didn't criticize me or scold me or shame me. She knew I needed to sow some wild oats and she just kept loving me.
 
I'm sorry you struggle. I could be wrong, but I think your wife is oversharing with you out of habit. Long-term monogamous spouses end up being each other's sounding boards for everything. It may or may not be healthy to do that. But they do it.

I think one the the things that changes when you open your marriage is that you realize that you may have been okay with it before, even if it was too much. But now it is REALLY too much and you are not okay hearing so much stuff. Could that be true for you?

To those that have read my posts, my wife’s first FWB ghosted her a couple of weeks ago. She said she was done with anything NSA and wanted actual dates, and was even talking to someone. That didn’t happen, and tonight she tells me she wants a NSA relationship again, and has even been talking to a guy she plans to meet this week.
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Is she telling you too many "play-by-play" details and that is causing you to feel anxious or stressed? Would you be happier just knowing she's dating, knowing her calendar, knowing she is sticking to safer sex practices, and that you and she are also sticking to safer sex practices, so you can know enough not to be blindsided, and can start to feel stable, and not get disturbed by hearing about all these micro details, all the time?

It’s not that I am looking down on her, just how this eats me up inside worse than if she were looking at dating someone.
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It sounds like you also would prefer the stability that would come with a regular dating partner, rather than NSA up-and-downy. Is that true? Getting the up and down micro-details stresses you out, and her having different partners too fast also stresses you out?

We talked, and she admitted that she wants to explore this and was ashamed to talk to me about it. That helps, but as I don’t understand that desire, I am having trouble accepting it. Any advice on that part so I can be more supportive would be greatly appreciated.
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Just a point to ponder... do you actually have to understand her interest in exploring that? Or do you want her to be safe as she explores this, and need her not to bug you so much about it?

I have no idea why my spouse loves plastic WWII model planes so much. I am content to admire one when he finishes it, or listen to him talk about a particularly challenging bit. But if he goes too far into ABC123 vs XYZ789, details about paints, glues, what is authentic and what is not, my eyes will glaze over. It's not the same, but I wonder if you are in a similar position here. Kind of like...

"I have no idea why my spouse wants to explore NSA so much. I am content to know she's being safe about it, using condoms, meeting for sex dates in nice hotels, not in scary places. But if she gives me too much information about her problems arranging dates, what she thinks of this or that person, and so on, my stress and anxiety are going to climb through the roof, because she overwhelms me with extra data when I'm just trying to learn to cope with being in an open marriage now."

Is it something like that?

Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl said:
I'm sorry you struggle. I could be wrong but I think your wife is oversharing with you from habit. Long term monogamous spouses end up being the sounding board for everything. When it may or may not be healthy to do that. But they do it.

I think one the the things that changes when you open the marriage is that you realize that you may have been ok with it before, even if it was too much. But now it is REALLY too much and you are not ok hearing so much stuff. Could that be true?

"I have no idea why my spouse wants to explore NSA so much. I am content to know she's being safe about it, using condoms, meeting for sex dates in nice hotels and not scary places. But if she goes too far into TMI details about her problems arranging dates, what she things of this or that person, and similar? My stress and anxiety are going to climb through the roof because she overwhelms me with extra data when I'm just trying to learn to cope with being in an open marriage right now."
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She doesn’t share details about her dates, and I try not to ask too much. And yes, the possibility of her going out with multiple people in a short time span does give me anxiety. I know most of this is because of my own hang ups. I am wanting to understand so I can be supportive, instead of in an almost constant state of anxiety, because this is all so new, I guess. Learning to share her time and her person is hard enough. This just seems to add to it. It has helped that she has shared that she is wanting to explore this possible side of herself.
 
Cougarwolf said:
She doesn’t share details about her dates, and I try not to ask too much. And yes, the possibility of her going out with multiple people in a short time span does give me anxiety. I know most of this is because of my own hang ups. I am wanting to understand so I can be supportive, instead of in an almost constant state of anxiety, because this is all so new, I guess. Learning to share her time and her person is hard enough. This just seems to add to it. It has helped that she has shared that she is wanting to explore this possible side of herself.
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It might help to not think of this as you are sharing her, but that she is sharing herself.

You don't own her. You don't hold her as a possession. You may not consciously believe you own her. But this feeling has been inculcated in our culture from thousands of years of tradition and legalities where men actually did own their women.

She is her own person. She is an autonomous human being who chooses to be with you every day. What she does to further her journey on this planet is her own business.

Your anxiety is caused by fear of loss, I am thinking. The more people she fucks, the more chances there are she'll find another one to date who is "better" than you. But polyamory (or any kind of open relationship) by definition is not meant to cause us to replace one lover with another. The idea is having multiple satisfying partners, not being on that same old hunt for Mr or Ms Right, dating people and discarding them until we find our prince. We have a prince. We just want two princes... or a princess. We can enjoy the fine qualities of more than one person in an intimate way.

As long as you express your desires and needs, and she does her best to fulfill them to the extent of her ability, you can relax. Ask for what you want from her, know your love language(s), and let her know how to speak them, to reassure you and make your relationship worthwhile. And, to be fair, you have her tell you what she needs and desires, and respect her enough to do what you can in exchange and because you love her.
 
She doesn’t share details about her dates, and I try not to ask too much.
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Did you have to know that guy ghosted her, though? Or that she was up for NSA, then not, then yes? If her bottom line is "I still want NSA," did you have to do that back-and-forthing at her side while she was sorting herself out?

If you are experiencing a lot of anxiety on your own, maybe you don't need to hear about her internal stuff in this much detail right now. That's what I meant by oversharing. It's not always TMI details about the date.

I'm not saying NEVER talk... but how about taking a break and only checking in once a month, rather than this frequently, BECAUSE learning to share her time and attention in general is already hard for you?

You have an additional load of trying to help her out with her internal stuff this often, when you might be at capacity already. I see you want to help and be supportive, but if all you can do is once a month, would it be so terrible for her to talk to other people sometimes so you can catch a break? Who do you talk to besides her and here? Are YOU getting enough support? Reducing what drains you?
 
Magdlyn said:
It might help to not think of this as you are sharing her, but that she is sharing herself.

You don't own her. You don't hold her as a possession. You may not consciously believe you own her. But this feeling has been inculcated in our culture from thousands of years of tradition and legalities where men actually did own their women.

She is her own person. She is an autonomous human being who chooses to be with you every day. What she does to further her journey on this planet is her own business.

Your anxiety is caused by fear of loss, I am thinking. The more people she fucks, the more chances there are she'll find another one to date who is "better" than you. But polyamory (or any kind of open relationship) by definition is not meant to cause us to replace one lover with another. The idea is having multiple satisfying partners, not being on that same old hunt for Mr or Ms Right, dating people and discarding them until we find our prince. We have a prince. We just want two princes... or a princess. We can enjoy the fine qualities of more than one person in an intimate way.

As long as you express your desires and needs, and she does her best to fulfill them to the extent of her ability, you can relax. Ask for what you want from her, know your love language(s), and let her know how to speak them, to reassure you and make your relationship worthwhile. And, to be fair, you have her tell you what she needs and desires, and respect her enough to do what you can in exchange and because you love her.
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That has hit something inside me, and has given me much food for thought. She has always been the queen and goddess of my world. I guess a part of me is afraid that she would become tarnished, as well as truly letting her go to be her own self. And yes, the fear of her finding someone “better” is still there, but much smaller than when we began our journey.
GalaGirl said:
Did you have to know that guy ghosted her though, or that she was up for NSA, then not, then yes? If her bottom line is "I still want NSA," did you have to do that back and forthing at her side while she was sorting herself out?

If you are experiencing a lot of anxiety on your own, maybe you don't need to hear about her internal stuff in this great detail right now. That's what I meant by oversharing. It's not always TMI details about the date.

I'm not saying NEVER talk... but how about taking a break and only checking in once a month, rather than this frequently, BECAUSE learning to share her time and attention in general is already hard for you.

You have an additional load of trying to help her out with her internal stuff this often... You might be at capacity already. I see you want to help and be supportive, but if all you can do is once a month, would it be so terrible for her to talk to other people sometimes? Who do you talk to besides her and here? Are YOU getting enough support? Reducing what drains you?
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I have been reaching out as I can in various groups, and have started seeing a therapist, who has agreed to be our couple's therapist, as well. At times I do feel at capacity, but want to be there for her when she is having trouble.
 
Cougarwolf said:
That has hit something inside me, and has given me much food for thought. She has always been the queen and goddess of my world. I guess a part of me is afraid that she would become tarnished, as well as truly letting her go to be her own self.
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I was just watching a YouTube on ancient Hebrew religion, regarding all the laws they had about women being owned (we call it marriage, they didn't) by men. If a woman was taken by one man (penetrated, and moved into his home) and then divorced for being unpleasing, she was considered dirty, tainted goods. There mere act of being sexually penetrated made her dirty, and therefore, no other man would want to take her. She was used goods.

As per my belief, true goddesses can share their bodies and remain pure. Artemis was considered a virgin by the Greeks. She had lovers, but in their culture, she could still remain a "virgin" because she did not commit to any one man sexually. And this was fine and respectable (at one time). And it is again.

My bf constantly calls me his queen and goddess, despite knowing I am poly, and affirming that I have the right to share my body with whomever I please. In fact, my freedom seems to be part of my charm. :p Oddly, it's partly his celebrating of this that causes me to feel he is the man for me and makes me not want another! Hmm...
Cougarwolf said:
And yes, the fear of her finding someone “better” is still there, but much smaller than when we began our journey.
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Hi Cougarwolf,

I think maybe what kills you about NSA is that you had such a terrible experience with it the first time around. You don't want your wife to get messages like, "Hey, want some? I'm available right now," at all hours of the night, and have her run off and leave you right when you were having a close/intimate moment with her. She did not handle the first NSA situation (with the trucker) well, and so you do not expect her to handle the next one well either. I don't blame you. And as a result, maybe you are feeling a little more possessive?

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
 
At times I do feel at capacity, but want to be there for her when she is having trouble.
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What does an appropriate, realistic, and rational amount of "being there for her" look like to you when you are at 100% healthy and well? What behaviors would you be doing or not doing?

Does it change if you are not doing well and have issues of your own to contend with? What behaviors would you have to pause until you are more well? Which could continue even if you were unwell?

Do you put her on a pedestal AND put yourself on a pedestal? Does she have to be the perfect untarnished princess and you the perfect hero? Do you have realistic views and expectations of each person here? Maybe those are some things to talk about with your therapist.

I sympathize with your struggles, but I'm sad you don't take up more SPACE in this relationship and speak up for yourself.

I was happy to hear about her wanting actual dates, but NSA eats me up inside. I know it’s her decision on what type of relationship she chooses, but I can’t stand this.

It might just be the emotional rollercoaster I am on because of it, but I have given thought to sleeping on the couch and have been asking myself if I could be in a relationship with someone who does that. It’s not that I am looking down on her, just how this eats me up inside worse than if she were looking at dating someone.
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If I were experiencing this kind of rollercoaster, I'd tell her to SLOW DOWN, stop oversharing, and I'd take the couch. I would talk to the therapist and ask myself in session if I could be in a relationship with someone who is so up and down all the time, or wants a lot of casual sex in a way that keeps bringing me stress. Is this just her being a "kid in a candy store" and she will calm down over time? Or is this just her style now? Is it always going to be like this? What is my limit of tolerance?

It's like you're struggling with inner conflict-- "I want to be the hero who always supports her, no matter what" vs "I want to speak up for myself because she's really dinging me and won't cut it out."

I encourage you to talk to your counselor, and tell your wife you aren't crazy about this rollercoaster behavior.

Galagirl
 
Some will say that what your partner does outside of your time together shouldn't affect you at all (unless it directly affects your finances, kids, your time together, etc.) Like, what's the difference if your wife is out playing tennis with her bestie vs. out banging a stranger? Either way, it shouldn't matter to you or affect your time together.

However, perhaps you're unable to accomplish that level of detachment, or maybe you don't really want to reach that level of detachment with your spouse. Like how detangled is too detangled, before there's no more pleasure in it for you? Maybe it's not that you're possessive, it's that you know you won't be satisfied in the marriage if things become any more compartmentalized.

You're feeling upset and disgusted to the point of wanting to sleep on the couch. How long will you subject yourself to these feelings? It's fine that your wife is going through her journey of sexual discovery, but you don't have to join her on it if it's affecting your well-being and your satisfaction in your marriage.
 
So many of you replied in almost the same way. I do speak up for myself. I let her know how I feel about it.

She is a very private person, even with me at times, about some of her issues. She has opened up and begun to talk about some of what was going on with the gentleman she is talking to now. This is not like the first one, meaning, she has his phone number, among other things.

The emotional rollercoaster I get on has a lot to do with me, my ADHD, OCD, PTSD, anxiety and other issues I am dealing with, with her help. So changes like this are very hard for me. The fact that she has stood by me for so long is why I put her on a pedestal, and do not place myself on one. However, she does put me on one.

After many discussions with various people, I have gotten to the point where I am happy for her to find someone to talk to and possibly date, as that is where we seem to be headed, but playing it day-by-day so there is no pressure.

He is recently divorced.

I think she is testing her own personal boundaries and the freedom she now has, versus the conformity we both forced ourselves into because that is how we thought we had to be. With each conversation, as well as reading and audiobooks, my eyes get open more and more to how I have limited myself, as well. With that awareness, I am able to be more at peace with the change in my life.
 
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