He's committing to another girl in our open relationship and I don't know how to feel about it

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lovelee56

New member
My husband and I have been in an open relationship for over 5 years now, and we have two small children together. It's been quite a journey getting to this point. He initially spoke to me about being open. I didn't take it well, but knew that if I didn't agree, he would cheat. So I decided to accept it because I didn't want to lose him. I've had a few boyfriends during this time, while my husband tends to have multiple sexual partners at once (with no labels).

A few months ago he met another girl. I've noticed that since he started dating her, he hasn't been going out as much with his other partners. The only thing he told me was that she was a doctor and that he really liked her. I noticed him wearing expensive jewelry and brand-name sneakers, which he said she has been buying him. I don't make as much as her, and I can't afford most of these things, so I'm feeling some type of way.

My husband has been revealing some things recently, such as that she pays for all their dates. I jokingly said, "Wow, she might steal you away from me," and he just laughed. He told me that he plans on being exclusive with her (while still married to me, obviously). I found this weird, because he never wanted to commit to any other girls in our relationship and definitely didn't want to give up sex with other women. When I asked him more about it, he said it's because she gives him a different experience, and it's unique, so he wants to dig deeper into it.

I looked through his phone one night, because I couldn't help it. I read some of their conversations. Basically he said that he was willing to give up sleeping with other women (except for me) for her, because she's special, and he doesn't want her dating other men because he doesn't want competition. I was so hurt reading this, because he didn't want to give up sleeping with other women for me, but now he's doing it for her! He even mentioned that he has thought in depth about being her husband in the future, and said "My wife knows our marriage could look different in the future."

Apparently she comes from money, because I looked her family up. I'm wondering if he's doing this just to get more stuff out of her. She even said that she wouldn't buy overly expensive things for a man she wasn't committed with, and then all of a sudden he wants to commit?!

I'm not sure how to confront this situation, because my husband is hiding this from me. He never spoke to me about this. I feel like it's cheating, even though we're open.
 
It seems he took this relationship from open to poly without discussing it. More concerning is that he's hiding it from you. He has removed consent, and frankly, he didn't have enthusiastic consent from you in the first place, but what sounds like under duress. But it does sound like you are bi and wanted to date women?... So it was a concession you were willing to endure to get what you wanted?

On the flip side, you violated their privacy by snooping his phone. It's time to sit down with him and discuss the betrayals in your relationship and how to move forward. If you are willing to transition to poly, then he needs to know that you will be dating whomever you want, including men. You are no longer ENM, where the marriage is held as sacred above all else. He already removed that. He should also know that in polyamory, he cannot dictate that his partners not be poly or date others. He can't be in love with two women and expect they can't do the same. He either wants poly or monogamy. The standards apply to everyone. It's unethical. If he wants to be exclusive with her it means he needs to divorce you.

He is in NRE with someone of only a few months and he's being spoiled. Time will reveal the true feelings of this relationship that's being bought on NRE.

I'm sorry you are going through this very difficult situation.
 
Hello lovelee56,

It is hard to know how to feel when your husband commits to another girl, it is definitely going to feel disorienting, as you no longer know whether he is committed to you, are you still his number one, will he always come home to you?

It sounds like you didn't really have a choice about opening your relationship, you had to consent, this is going to increase the emotional turmoil you feel as your husband commits to someone else. You don't want to lose him, but can you stop him from leaving you?

I take it this girl is wooing him, with her superior earning position (a doctor). This sets things up in an unfair way towards you, as you can't afford to buy him all those expensive gifts. He is choosing expensive gifts over you.

He is definitely giving her preferential treatment, he is giving up seeing other women for her, something he was never willing to do for you. It is a terrible feeling when your husband obviously loves the other girl more, he is engrossed in his NRE for her.

Essentially he is cheating on you, because he is hiding what he is doing with this woman, and he is talking to her in a way that suggests he prefers her over you. He is kind of being materialistic, as he is favoring her for the gifts that she gives.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
He initially spoke to me about being open. I didn't take it well, but knew that if I didn't agree, he would cheat. So I decided to accept, because I didn't want to lose him. I've had a few boyfriends during this time, while my husband tends to have multiple sexual partners at once (with no labels).
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I'm sorry this is happening. It sounds like it's open or poly "under duress," not because you actually wanted to be open or poly, but more like you didn't want to deal in divorce, restructuring your whole life and single-parenting 2 small kids on your own. Could that be true?

People can still cheat on their open or poly agreements. It's not like being open or poly makes things "cheater proof." It's about the character of the person, not the relationship model. Are they a person of their word or not?

I'm going to guess, okay? I might be wrong.

He told me that he plans on being exclusive with her (while still married to me, obviously). I found this weird, because he never wanted to commit to any other girls in our relationship, and definitely didn't want to give up sex with other women. When I asked him more about it, he said it's because she gives him a different experience, and it's unique, so he wants to dig deeper into it.
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Your husband is way oversharing stuff about his other relationship with you. Is it because he already knows he's got you sewn up and kind of over a barrel with the small kids, like, no matter what poor behavior he does, you will keep putting up with things and sticking around? And now he's telling GF whatever she wants to hear, so she will stop dating other people and focus on just HIM? He likes her spending her money on HIM only?

I looked through his phone one night. I couldn't help it... Basically, he said that he was willing to give up sleeping with other women (except for me) for her because she's special, and he doesn't want her dating other men because he doesn't want competition.
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I think you know it's not okay to snoop in other people's phones. What you learned there just makes me think he's telling her whatever to get her "sewn up" better too.

I was so hurt reading this, because he didn't want to give up sleeping with other women for me, but now he's doing it for her!
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Gently... is he, though, or just saying stuff and "future faking" with her to get her more securely on his string and his hands on her money better?

Apparently she comes from money. I looked her family up. I'm wondering if he's doing this just to get more stuff out of her. She even said that she wouldn't buy overly expensive things for a man she wasn't committed with, and then all of a sudden he wants to commit?!
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You're thinking the same thing I was thinking. You found out it's not just her own doctor's salary, but she ALSO comes from family money. You know him and his character. Is he buttering her up just to mooch better presents off her? I know it's not kind to think that of a person. But some people really are like that, kinda like users and the "What's in it for me?" type.

I'm just some internet stranger, and I might be way out of the ballpark with that guess. You are the one actually there. You KNOW him.

I think you might have to do some heavy thinking, including if you still want to be here doing this open or poly thing with him, like this, or not. It doesn't sound like healthy open or healthy poly, to me. On your side, it sounds like your husband railroaded you into it. On the gf's side, he's doing some other kind of weird stuff, too. It doesn't sound like he's being nice to either of you.

You don't have to worry about her, but you do have to worry about YOURSELF. You might not like learning about this side of a man who would do this type of stuff to people. You may find yourself respecting him less, loving him less. You may find yourself in a lot of pain too. :(


I'm not sure how to confront this situation. My husband is hiding this from me. He never spoke to me about this. I feel like it's cheating, even though we're open.
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You do not have to confront anything if you don't want to.

I also don't think it's helpful at this time to get bogged down with asking, "Is he cheating?" People CAN cheat on their shared agreements for open or poly relationships. It's just about whether agreements are being kept, or not.

I think you need to come to calm, step back, and then think about, "Is this a healthy thing for me to continue to be involved in?" The bigger picture, YKWIM?


You have to be able to say "I love you. But NO, not even for you will I do stuff I don't really want, or stay in things that hurt me. That's asking too much. I have to take care of my own well-being." Are you able to do that?

Do you know what your dealbreakers are? Can you articulate them? Are you starting to hit them?

Galagirl
 
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This sounds bad. Look how little trust you have with your spouse:
You "know he would cheat". You look through his phone. You even think he's in a relationship for money, or deliberately deceiving another woman to get her money.

You make him sound like a very bad person. Maybe he is one.

Some people say not to look for bad intentions where stupidity is a good enough explanation. Maybe in this case NRE is a good enough explanation. "Falling in love" makes people want to commit. Is he in love? Would that be harder for you to accept than if he was only doing this for the money?
 
It sounds like you see her as competition rather than your relationships with him being complementary.

You're the mother of his children, she's a career woman. You're different to each other and that's okay.

Consider it less threatening than a clone of you! Shift your view on things to make this easier for you.

She's probably feeling as insecure as you are.

Talk effectively with him on how serious it is, make it real for all of you by becoming more transparent. No phone snooping required. Get to know this woman (not girl...) who has become so important to him. Tell him (and her) that you would like to be able to be friendly metamours so in event of emergency you and she could contact each other. Get him to arrange a meet and greet for the two of you so there's no chance the first time you contact each other is an emergency.
 
While it does sound like you were coerced into polyamory, you've actually had a couple of boyfriends yourself. That tells me that you weren't just "open" and commitment to other people was always on the table.

Honestly? A wife, a couple of young kids, and a girlfriend is a lot to take on. He's probably smart by saying that he will stop seeking other partners. Many people feel saturated at 2 full time serious relationships. Many people feel saturated at 1 of those!
 
Is this what you want? A husband who is toggling between 2 women? And she is agreeing to be monogamous to him??? That's going to be added responsibility on his behalf to keep her happy. Are you joyfully embracing the idea of having a "metamour," (a.k.a. someone you did NOT choose who suddenly has a huge place in your husband's life.) Or do you just consider her unwanted baggage?

Would you be happier monogamous? Do you enjoy having other boyfriends or just do it to try to even things out? There are men out there, quality men, who enjoy giving all their love to one woman, if that's what you're into.

Were you aware that "your marriage could change in the future?" Sounds like he is operating fully autonomously despite having a wife and small kids. Honestly, to me sounds like he's looking to monkey-branch to a r'ship where he'll have less responsibility and more expensive gifts. Might be time to come up with an exit strategy for your own sanity.
 
LoveBunny said:
Are you joyfully embracing the idea of having a "metamour," (a.k.a. someone you did NOT choose who suddenly has a huge place in your husband's life.) Or do you just consider her unwanted baggage?
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By the risk of sidetracking the discussion, honestly, how many people DO joyfully embrace this particular aspect of poly? Because even if you do genuinely want to have multiple relationships and wish your partner(s) the same, you don't get to choose your metamours. They are more like relatives and in-laws. Some are great, some are difficult.

LoveBunny said:
Might be time to come up with an exit strategy for your own sanity.
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Right. Even if you @lovelee56 aren't considering a divorce, it would be wise to prepare for the possibility.
 
LoveBunny said:
Were you aware that "your marriage could change in the future?" It sounds like he is operating fully autonomously, despite having a wife and small kids. Honestly, to me, it sounds like he's looking to monkey-branch to a relationship where he'll have less responsibility and more expensive gifts. It might be time to come up with an exit strategy for your own sanity.
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I wasn't aware of this. He told the other woman in the text messages that he had thought in-depth about being with her in the future. To be exact, his words to her were, "I would still take care of my family and visit them, but you would be given wifey priority." This makes it seem like he is planning to leave me for her in the future. No, I didn't know that "Our marriage could look different in the future."

I just feel hurt, because he was also telling her things about me, such as all the financial responsibility is on his shoulders and I don't contribute to the rent. Basically telling the other woman that it's nice he gives her financial security.

It just hurts. I feel like he is planning on leaving me for her because of the financial security she offers him. It seems like he wants to commit to her because if they are "exclusive" she will buy him better gifts. It hurts that he's willing to give up sleeping with others for her because, in his eyes, she's worth that sacrifice. And I wasn't worth it.
 
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It's not fair to you that he is giving her the preferential treatment. You work hard at keeping up a home, and taking care of the children. He is not giving you credit for that.
 
lovelee56 said:
No, I wasn't aware of this. He told the other girl in the text messages that he has thought in-depth about being with her in the future. To be exact, his words to her were, "I would still take care of my family and visit them, but you would be given wifey priority." This makes it seem like he is planning to leave me for her in the future. No, I didn't know that "Our marriage could look different in the future." I just feel hurt because he was also telling her things about me, such as all the financial responsibility is on his shoulders, and I don't contribute to the rent. Basically telling the other girl that it's nice he gives her financial security.

I feel like he is planning on leaving me for her because of the financial security she offers him. It seems like he wants to commit to her because if they are "exclusive" she will buy him better gifts. It hurts that he's willing to give up sleeping with others for her because in his eyes, she's worth that sacrifice. And I wasn't worth it..
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I'm sorry. You're right to feel hurt. Polyamory isn't supposed to look like that.
 
Consult a divorce lawyer ASAP.

I am sorry. This does not sound like any type of joyful or healthy open relationship or poly. Telling his new partner that he is essentially planning to leave you, and to only visit and "take care of" you and the kids, is not good and not okay, even if he's just telling her that to string her along so she keeps giving him gifts.

I think you will have a happier life ahead of you if you consider ending a marriage with someone who does not seem to cherish or respect you.
 
I agree with Meera about talking to a lawyer ASAP and planning your exit strategy so you don't get blindsided.

Even if he's lying to her to get her money, and doesn't really mean it, like he's actually going to dump you, he's not treating YOU well. You might not want him here taking up your time, energy, and space anymore, if he behaves like this to people.

I feel like he is planning on leaving me for her because of the financial security she offers him. It seems like he wants to commit to her because if they are "exclusive" she will buy him better gifts. It hurts that he's willing to give up sleeping with others for her because in his eyes, she's worth that sacrifice. And I wasn't worth it.
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This is NOT about your value. You are worth it.

But yeah, it hurts to be taken for granted, like he seems to be doing.

He's just willing to tell her whatever to get her money. If I were her, I'd be like, "Whaaaat? You just want me to be your sugar mama? You claim to be poly, but want to use me AND your nesting partner?" But then, if she dropped him, you'd be stuck with him, and he doesn't treat you well.

Now, while he's distracted with her, might be the best time to make your escape if you need to get out of there, because you did not want this at all, or did not want poly like THIS.

I'm sorry this is happening, though. :( You deserve way better.

GG
 
Tinwen said:
Because even if you do genuinely want to have multiple relationships and wish your partner(s) the same, you don't get to choose your metamours. They are more like relatives and in-laws. Some are great, some are difficult.
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I definitely enjoy having metamours more than I used to. I think, on some level, they used to bring a sense of instability and anxiety because I knew that their wants, needs and desires DID influence my life with our Hinge partner, which used to be a lot more scary when I was in former stages of my life.

But as you say, "loving to have metamours" isn't a requirement of polyamory. Being able to compromise with the wants and needs of your people important to your partner is a requirement of most relationships, though.
 
Sigh, I guess this is the next step. I feel hurt because I gave up my career to raise our children, but now he's upset that I don't make as much money. And now I don't really have the money to leave him and take care of the kids myself, so I'm just stuck.
 
lovelee56 said:
Sigh, I guess this is the next step. I feel hurt because I gave up my career to raise our children and now he's upset that I don't make as much money? And now I don't really have the money to leave him and take care of the kids myself so I'm just stuck.
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That's why you get a lawyer and take him to the cleaners so he can commit to his rich doctor girlfriend full time and she can support him while he pays you alimony and child support and she can complain that *he* doesn't contribute to the rent while buying him expensive gifts.

By the way, even though iT wAs WrOnG oF yOu To LoOk At HiS pHoNe, a judge won't hold that against you under these circumstances, so I hope you took screenshots or something and sent them to yourself as evidence, otherwise it's your word against his.
 
Generally, I'd agree, don't snoop in your partner's phone. You *should* be able to trust your partner. However, when you're being lied to and manipulated, your intuition is screaming at you that you're being lied to and manipulated, but you can't quite put your finger on it, because emotional abuse has left you brain damaged... YES, SNOOP IN HIS PHONE.

If OP hadn't snooped, she might have taken much longer to realize that she is being used as free child-care, extra sex and someone to triangulate with his rich girlfriend. Snooping, in this case, was an act of self-preservation, as knowledge is power. Now she can get a divorce lawyer and get out, pull the rug out from under her douchebag husband, and watch his manipulations fail.

Personally, I'm glad she snooped.
 
Yep, it's lawyer time, to at least see what the options are, at this point.

GG
 
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